honesty, criticism, reality.

i'm a horrible person.

{yay for stupid-me and what-have-i-done-now posts. this is one of those. it will probably be deleted within the next 24 hrs so read while you still can.}

but i am.

and sometimes i just want others to admit it too. but not in an angry way. why can't people have conversations like:

"hi. i'm a horrible person. i enjoyed pulling the legs off of flies when i was little. they were still alive."

and then they answer

"wow. you really are a horrible person."

or maybe:

"well hello. will you please line up for me to break your heart? i won't mean to, but i'm a complete realist and if you don't fit the bill...bzzzp! you'r out."

"well that's just dumb. why would anyone sign up for that?"

honesty never killed anyone. it certainly hasn't killed me yet, and i am a firm believer in giving and taking it.

for example, today my mom told me:

"if you constantly push people away, they're going to come to expect that. and they will never come back. you can't treat people like plastic bags, saving them only for when you need them. that's selfish."

{those weren't her exact words...but rather what i heard. isn't is funny how sometimes our thoughts are much more eloquent? and harsh.}

but i agree.

and if you are one of those people...

i am so sorry.




i will be better.

opinionated.

some people have really good opinions, incredible minds.

but at the slightest criticism, they just give up.

i wish they wouldn't.

to me that shows weakness that is of the worst kind.

yes, sometimes people criticize without content

or with the aim to hurt

but oftentimes, just like most jokes contain truth,

criticism does too.

and it's there to help you see things clearer.

and if you learn to take it all in with a grain of salt

or a spoonful of sugar,

you may become something unique.

incredible even.

i wish people didn't take offense when i told them what i see.

never have i ever done it to tear anyone down

and i guess that is something i need to change in myself.

and i'm sorry if i ever hurt you, or someone you know.

it was unintentional. and meant for the best.

next time though when you ask for someone else's opinion,

be prepared to not simply hear yours reflected back to you.


because not everyone is a liar.

geese.

geese smell bad yah?

and things that smell bad...should be removed...yes?

okay.

so my small group of friends...well...some of the girls are kind of acting like geese. they're gossiping.

i know. i was shocked too.

but you know what?

i'm going to get up the courage to ask them to stop.

and by writing it? i am holding myself accountable.

please tell me that you too get very, very annoyed when you hear three different people, three separate times, all saying the same petty silly thing about one girl.

{by the way - that girl? she's probably one of the most innocent and sweet girls i've ever met.}

just know.

gossip? you may not know you are doing it. but it hurts

it's even killed some people.

don't do it.

because me? ima gonna come after you.

free. at last.

so i had a really nice, short and sweet realization today that i would like to share with you.

i no longer have to pretend to love people who have been p**sing me off for years. it's quite a wonderful feeling. especially that i no longer have to say a pathetic cutesy hi to this one girl. haha. i'm done. i no longer have to go back to american heritage if i never want to ever again, and if i do - i don't have to pretend like i like those people. because honestly i will be going back for mr. haymond and maybe one or two others.

i won't list names because that would be blatantly rude of me, and i'm not blatantly rude {usually} but. haha but. let me just say that three people in particular i am glad to be free of. free for eternity. i never have to see their sneering ugly faces ever again.

maybe they always meant the best. but now that certain things are no longer apart of my life ...they don't have to lie about liking me either. and since they were his friends, and never really mine. i need never speak to them again. i. freaking. love. it.

goodbye pee-brains. goodbye watered-down-sluts. goodbye dramatic flirts. goodbye scummy two-face people. i am happily bidding you adieu.

quite the opposite of love,

kaylla.

{post script} if any more girls dis on my music using stupid excuses i will not be happy. i know you really just want to dis me, my appearance, my attitude, my life. i don't care, just do it. but once you dis my music you are in for a barrage of voodoo and i-hate-your-guts-snail-mail. you've been fore-warned.

and just for kicks:

come again?

{did she really just say that?} .... {jerk}....{rude.}

maybe it's a really good thing that i moved when i did. if i lived close enough to bike my way to some people's houses again i would probably beat them to a pulp.

i've been considering cancelling my facebook account, or at least blocking certain people {don't worry - just a handful and they probably wouldn't even notice}. why you say? because i'm tired of memory lane honestly, and because one person in particular is really...ugh - really used me. like, i don't even know how to explain how angry this makes me but i have ALWAYS hated copycats - and that's all she's been. a pain in the butt. haha she even tried to pull one on me that it was actually my fault. uh - yah right. i've done a LOT of things wrong in the past year and that was not one of them. thank you.

all in all i am having an angry swing and kind of just want to physically do her harm.

that is all.

-kaylla

my responsibility, my fault.

{drama alert - post may be stupid and a bit dumb and depressing} {do not read if you don't love me unconditionally} :P

it's a hard thing when you discover that everything that is hurting you, ultimately is your own fault. i've come to discover that except for a very spare few of my old friends, even remember me from time to time. even those that i hung out 80% of last year failed to include me {even before i'd moved down here} honestly it really really hurt when i found out about it. i tried being mad, jealous, betrayed, but like i said - ultimately the blame came down to myself. the only way to be mature in my circumstances as my mom has constantly told me is not to push the blame on someone else but accept responsibility with open arms.

so it demands the question: why is it your fault kaylla that barely any of your friends were really even as much? because i myself wasn't a good friend. admission time: i was a drama queen, i made everything out of nothing and nothing out of everything. i belittled my used-to-be best friend and took for granted those who actually cared. i forced myself upon certain others until i was accepted, and chased after a romance that i should have known would only end and end with me the only party really hurt. yes we all say we are friends but lets be honest here...5...7...10 years from now...? will you really remember my name? will i remember yours?

i think back to my first crush in kindergarten, i don't even know his name. {ironic though - he was a twin - the dark haired one of non-identical twins...haha i just realized that...o the irony is really...killing me wow} ;P and it makes me wonder, if i don't even remember my first crushes name...how much will i remember from this last year? how many friends have i truly made? how many did i change for the better?

i just gotta be honest, right now i'm feeling like the worst friend ever. i've never focused on anyone but myself, unless the other's troubles are painfully obvious. i am just a dunce!!! a flat out idiot. if i had been a truer friend, then i would have truer friends. it just makes more...sense... and with truer friends, i doubt i'd feel quite so abandoned after moving out here. maybe...maybe just maybe i'd have had those last weeks with the people i loved and cared for the most instead of staying home because of my foolhardy stupidity.

it kind of makes sense though...when the going gets tough, the tough get going idea - that i should make new friends, just buck up and start over. but it's not really that easy...i'm kind of an oddball. i just...i don't want to have to change who i am, in order to be happy again...i shouldn't have to, yet already i feel myself reverting back to the shy girl of my childhood, the one who rarely spoke and was moody and occasionally rude.

the wind here is almost always blowing and if it is blowing, it's usually blowing northward... it makes me wish i were a leaf and could fly back, back in time and just re-live the best moment and fix my worst mistakes. funny thing is that my first mistake was myself. i should have stuck to one group of friends, instead of trying to do both {which almost failed}. if i had never known what i'd missed, i'd still be as happy as an idiot high on ignorance's bliss.

but then i'd never give it up now that i've had it. i wouldn't trade a single one of those memories. no matter how much i love them or hate them or how much i let them hurt me, i wouldn't give them up.

it's funny...i kind of realize now how stupid i was to think that if i let my standards down just a little bit, that it would eventually mean that people would love me more. in a way i was right, because i let down some unnecessary walls - but then...i became more attached than i should have realized any of them could ever be to me, especially since maybe i was attached for the wrong reasons. going back to the fact that i was a complete selfish witch. they were all good friends...and maybe i was a good friend at first - but i failed the long-term test, and ruined them in the end. {probably a good reason to add to my list of reasons for not having best friends - because i suck at the whole stupid idea of long-term anything} {probably a good reason for me not to get married either. at least until i fix that.....ha.}

so all this honesty has got one thing as a common denominator: i gotta pull my act together. i may not know how the next few months will come and go...but i do know that if i can make it one day at a time - doing my utmost to improve myself, eventually years will pass without even a second glance and maybe someday i won't have to say "what if..."

wow. today was just rough...

it started out really well with an adventure with lilly, trying to find a grocery store because we desperately needed milk, but ended with me here in front of my bedroom window watching as the city lights turn on...maybe a little wet around the eyes. darn allergies right?

so many wishes unfulfilled...it makes me wonder how it'll all work out, if it's even possible to work myself out of the mess this time. but day by day, with my david tolk music and jenny phillips and one chapter of that good 'ole blue book each morning and night...someday i'll be smiling again without even a glimmer of this frown...keep taking pictures of sunrises and sunsets (: keep being quirky, getting enough rest and eating right and maybe go for a run to force those endorphins of happiness when i find it hard to. some country music here and there, cookies and cream chocolate when it gets really tough...but always a prayer in my heart and in the end?...

"all will be well."

Kaylla

Right Now? I'm crying

That's a lot of information I know to put in a post. Maybe it's open and weird and awkward, but you know what? It's a part of life and I want people to know, I cry to. I get hurt. I trust and that trust is broken.

Saturday night was one of the worst days of my life. I wanted to punch one person, cry on someone's shoulder - and settled for sobbing in my friends car and then once I got home? I screamed into my pillow and sobbed looking at the mirror, wiping away the mascara. I was wrong about the tears being cleansing. I felt dry, and empty. Completely empty.

I've decided some things. First of all, I'm not going to kiss anyone ever again unless I know they love me (which basically means after the alter and the vows issue going down), I'm not going to date seriously till my Sophomore/Junior year at college, and I AM going to go on a mission (which also infers that I wont be dating seriously until after I'm 23). Boys make amazing friends...but I just don't know how to trust and keep trusting them with my heat. I think they have clumsy issues, and when someone drops your heart - it's a pretty bloody mess. And I'm the one who has to clean it up while they get a rain check. Thanks a bunch.

Been listening to a lot of ..."breakup" songs recently. Just gotta say - calling it at "just friends"? is hard enough after the level of friendship and closeness we had, it's worse when they ignore you and don't tell you everything anymore. Yup - thanks a lot pal. And I don't care if he reads this one day...I'm sick of regretting what I say to people.

From now on, I'm going to say what I mean and mean what I say to people. If I want to shout out the window of my car, whose gonna stop me? If I want to punch him in the face - who is gonna stop me? If I want to just walk away because people are just sooooooooooo so stupid, I totally can. No one is going to stop me now. I have complete control of my life. No guy is so perfect that you can trust him with everything, honestly that even applies to after marriage...think of all the marriages where the woman has trusted her whole heart to him - and he leaves her with a new born and five other kids to take car of on her own. Yah...That's what I'm talking about.

Gosh. I have trust issues. I trust people so easily and when they break that trust I like...cut them off forever. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse. I'd rather just not trust anyone from the start - that way I'd root out the bad rocks from the gems from the start and I'd have less pain and heartache. yah...good idea.

I'm so tired right now...But I can't sleep. So tired of not being able to get him off my mind. There's no music about random things that I like....I like these two

But....y'know. It's just not the same. I wonder if I really want things to go back to the way they were...and I don't think I do. I'm tired of doubting him, guessing whether I'm as attached as he was (guess not) :P and just always having to have to lower my standards. I still love him...but he's not the one I want to marry - and why spend time on someone who would make a great friend, but who I would probably kill if I ever shared his bed. Thaaaaat's awkward. But it's the truth.

Guys are weird. Hurtful. Not-trustworthy. Stupid.

"Who needs a boyfriend, I've got my girlfriends" ;) and aint that the truth. I've never been so happy as when I'm with Kaytlyn and Kelsey. Kaytlyn and I can REALLY talk, and not just about guys! I've had so many gal friends and really that's all we talk about - I like how I can talk piano, sports, anything really with her. She's amazing :)

Life really just needs some major makeovers - time to change, like I said. New standards, new rules, and lots of barb-wire around THIS little country girl's heart!!!

Pretty much!

Kaylla

Lies, Liars and...Lawnmowers.

Sometimes (especially recently) I feel like I can't trust a word anyone says except for a spare few, most of whom are either in my family or I have known for a very, very long time and have no reason to lie to me. One person said this, this person denies it, this person saw this, she said that....it's all a bunch of junk and I'm so confused that I just want to dump them all in a huge garbage can and laugh when the garbage man comes and they go screaming into a waste heap. Most of the thems and theys that are liars are girls. As usual...

I wish I could just really trust everyone. But I've seen them lie about other things, why would they tell the truth? It's funny - I think that most of the lies that people tell me they think honestly would be for my best, so as not to hurt me or so that I don't react and etc. But they don't realize that the other people they tell? Have other allegiances and will tell me or the person they are hiding/lying about and then guess what!! The secret and the truth is OUT.

Maybe they are doing it for my good - and in the end it will be for my good, in some twisted (veryyyy twisted) way. Because then I know who they really are...and can know that I can never trust them again. I trust some people more than others...but then I just am so tired of trusting people that I throw them in with the whole lot of them. I'm too lazy to sort out through them all.

(I'm sad...I just tore a whole in my favorite shirt...sorry...random...)

Anyway - back to liars. It's just really hard to trust people after being confused, because so many lies have been told at this point...or at least that's how it feels because of all the conflicting stories from people I used to trust. Someone has to be right...but Who???

Do I trust the people I've trusted for years and years or do I believe that they have now honestly changed on me and so instead I should trust the friends who I haven't known for quite so long. Everything everyone says is different.

How did everything go from being so good and fine, to this disaster?

I'm so SICK OF THE DRAMA!!! Seriously. THIS? is pathetic. I'm sick of petty little girl drama, I like-him-can't-let-him-know-so-I'm-going-to-lie-about-everything-to-everyone shiz and/or I-like-her-for-the-physical-and-nothing-else-so-I'm-going-to-dump-her-and-start-kissing-all-her-friends pizazz...and then other friends just telling me that none of them are who they say they are and just give up on them. I'm so tired of the drama that I seriously wanted to swear at them all. I wanted to punch one in the face, tear another's hair out, and sob in the other's arms.

Being a girl is hard. I should just mow them all over with a lawn-mower. At least then they couldn't bother me. Haha...mental image of just ramming into big card-board cut-outs of people who have been stupid recently. It's a funny picture.

My friend called me Saturday night because she had to tell me some things, that apparently other people are saying, and just a whole new level of confusion...and at first I was crying and saying I hate certain people and I just hope they burn in Hell and all that stuff...but then...still crying and still hurt, I realized I could never hate that person. I wouldn't trust them with my heart like that again - but I still loved them (crazy! I know!) ugh...I can't help but love these people. I hate them so much for hurting me, because that's just not fair and right - but then...I will always feel like they are my brother, someone I would talk to...or my sister...who I will never talk to (haha).

Drammmmaaaaaaa....I'm still not sure if I want to go to high school when we move down south still - because I really just want to skip out on the drama; but my friend Amy told me that there is drama in college too. And honestly - the kind of drama you have, depends on your kinds of friends.

SOMEday, everything WILL work out. I'm sure of it. Just not now, and not today. Today - I am going to the Library and reading and hopefully forgetting about this crazy world and situation. I'm tired of the lies...I hope and am willing to give them chances to explain themselves...if that's what they want - but whether I believe them or not? We'll see.

Kaylla

PS - I really miss my friend Nick. He was a great pal, and now he's going back to Korea...I'm going to miss that tall asian man. He gave me a really good hug yesterday when I drove by to say one last goodbye. He's my pal...for life :)

oh and Esteban too - gosh...I got more teary-eyed when I said bye to Nick than Esteban, but I'll miss him too. They were good guys. Not dead haha - sorry if I'm making it sound that way - but seriously. I'll miss them both a LOT.


Annnnd Here's a song to go along with the topic.

Drama, Bureaucracies, Geodes

Wow. Today sure was interesting. With all the potential for an amazing day, it went from just that to just the opposite to settling at somewhere in between the two. But meh, that's alright - life's a rollercoaster right ;)

So today like half the highschool at my (retarded tiny drama centered bureaucracy) school got called into the office. Some of them may have deserved it more than others but honestly - leaving campus to go eat lunch when they can legally drive and drive others? What's the big deal? We're friends, we're young adults - w'ere NOT STUPID three-year-olds with our mom's favorite pearl necklace - destined to break everything. C'mon, a little trust yah?

Some of those students that got in trouble, even asked permission beforehand from PARENTS - and STILL got in trouble! Seriously? We have minds, we don't need to be monitored for every little thing. Why can't we grow up? Stop trying to keep us in elementary school.

THEN. oh yah, THEN they have the GALL to FIRE one of the only SANE teachers I've ever had. EVERY student loves this guy - Mr. Miller. Let me just explain what kind of guy he is with this story:

Once (I think it was ninth grade, the year after I had him in 8th grade) we were studying rocks in Earth Science in the lab room that he and Mrs. Logan shared. We were supposed to separate our many rocks, classifying them. It was pretty fun but I made a comment I think that they were all just a bunch of stupid rocks, who cares blah blah blah. He came up to our table and told me that I was just a rock. At first it really hurt...I was already having a bad day and the fact that he just kind of called me a stupid rock - just like all the others, hurt.

Wait for it... ;)

So there I was feeling sorry for myself and he comes around back to our table. Silently he places one of the smallest and prettiest crystallized looking rocks in front of me. His point was different now. I started to cry (if I remember correctly - I excused myself to go to the bathroom or something) Later he told me the story of Geode; how on the outside it may appear to be just another ordinary gray rock but once you break it open, inside is a myriad of beauty - hidden beauty - and that's the true value of the rock. Not the ugliness on the outside, but the beauty on the inside. He understood and was telling me that though sometimes I may feel like just a plain rock through and through - I was a geode: full of beauty inside.

Today? He told me that I was no longer a geode (and at first that made me sad) but he told me I am now a diamond, beauty had finally blossomed inside and out...he made me cry again. Haha...ugh - I'm such a cry baby, I'm getting red-eyed thinking about it - He told me how I must find a man someday who treats me like the princess I am. Thank you Mr. Miller, I'll never forget you and the story of the geodes.

What is WRONG with a school that would fire a teacher like that? Ha, or what's wrong with the school that gets mad when a boyfriend and girlfriend give each other hugs in public? And what the heck - not giving us Valentine's day (we did anyway) :P Not letting us call our "Prom" just that? (haha *snicker...nobody even calls it "Royal Ball" psh)

Ugh. They're all just a bunch of stupid idiots with sawdust in their heads. I'm so ready to grow up and start my real life - away from all the drama of girls (haha...myself included - I create drama too - not gonna lie) and away from the manipulating hand of administration. I'm ready to just - grow up.

I was reading Peter Pan yesterday (didn't finish - got too bored) but it made me think about growing up again - and I don't know why Peter hated it so much. Honestly, we can still keep our childlike innocence and become mature and have it ten times better! Life could be so fulfilling if we would simply let it.

Well...C'est la vie I guess...haha and au revoir or however you spell that one :P

Kaylla

It's a Kick-Butt and Cry Hard Day.

Ugh.

Yuck.

Some days should just never...leave the womb of whatever gives birth to them. They start out as if they could be REALLY good days, and then each small disappointment slowly builds up on another one; weighing it down to the point of capsizing. Too bad my dingy has a major temper issue...

So instead of sitting down and crying and getting it out I kick soccer balls. Hit it as hard as you can and make an idiot of yourself. It's relaxing. Especially if you imagine all the faces of those people who should go dig themselves holes on the ball. It's very stress relieving. Pinky Promise.

And then...you are so tired you just want to....cry. You're tired and the walls of strength you build up around yourself have begun to crumble. When they fall it's as if earth could never even define flood except by your sorrows.

Then you buck up and start over right?

Well what if I refused to get back up and turn left at the stop sign? What if I turn right? What if I just...leave behind all my troubles? Start over, clean slate. If high school is like a big pond of MUD then why not just shove my way on through, kicking all those nasty clumps out of the way instead of pausing to see/examine if they might be pretty rocks caught in the mess with me. Because they aren't. It's all mud.

It's a good thing I have a handful of people who I've realized that no matter what, genuinely care about me no matter what. Yah, actually there are a lot of those kinds of people - but the handful is narrowed down by the fact that I care about these people probably just as much as they care about me. They seem....REAL to me. As opposed to fake, I know. But anyway - without these friends (some of whom are quite a bit older than myself) I am pretty sure my little dingy would sink. They are the scraps of sanity that tell me that life, even in its stupidity is worth it...even if it's just to get through it (specifically - through high school).

*sigh....

I'm so tired. So tired of the stupid games people play. All their stupid manipulations...I'm guilty sometimes but right now, I don't think it's my fault. And honestly - gah! I'm so tired of forgiving this person! Why can't they just...have different issues other than playing with my heart. They can play but I can't. It's all just a useless stupid mess. I hate it. I love them...if only right now because I know they are a good person...DEEP down inside, and because they are children of God but other than that I'm about ready to just kick them in the place where it would hurt them the most! Brutal, I'm sorry...but I am so mad.

And then they have the gal to think that a simple sorry or short hug is gonna make up for it? Heck no! The repeated offense is getting old and the patience is wearing VERY thin.

I know 1) if this person reads this post then I will be sorry about writing it but 2) if I don't write it I will explode. I'll probably regret it - just so you know...and write a long sorry tomorrow...or maybe even tonight but...right now? I'm just trying hard to keep my language clean of profanities. So far so good.

So what do I do...wait it out I guess, or come to a mutual understanding with certain said persons. (haha...that idea makes me laugh because it sounds so dumb and unlikely) sadly true...

So tomorrow I will face another day with a fake smile, walking back and forth between the hallway making up things to do and to get, just to see that face, talk them, smile at them, let them know I'm there for them when they need me - but inside I'll be crying. I won't be listening to a word they say. And I'll know that despite their fake/shallow promises, they will never be there for me when I need them most...

Because that's the way things roll ;)

Kaylla

"Oops, I did it again"

That's right. The title of this post is a famous Brittney Spears song...uh, but no - it's not about her or that song. Just the phrase. ;) sorry if that is a disappointment.

Well actually - in a way it is about that song; if you think about it the whole song is about a girl who has a guy fall in love with her and she returns none of those feelings except for the benefits. Physical benefits. Which of course is nasty but that is what it is about.

Love these days is so fake. Lust has been redefined to take Love's place. Nobody understands what love is about these days, and so our hearts are constantly on the breakage point. We are taught/trained from young ages to have crushes and then when they don't like us back - we cry, and hopefully move on.

But doesn't that tell us that that is a repeating cycle? Does that teach us that love always ends, it never stays strong with distance, and love never really was love in the first place.

So what is love...love love love....

The ideal love I think first of all is understanding. Love sacrifices all for the other. Love never grows faint with distance. Love uplifts and never ever brings down. Love is constantly climbing up the ladder and carrying the other upon your back if you must. Love is constant, not fading in and out with each time of day. Love is honest, but kind. Love is never about the physical aspects. Love is pure. Love is beautiful, raging, yet calm.

Love is love.

And love never ends.

Someone once explained to me all the physical junk and why God gave us those...senses (if you will - I promise I'll keep this clean. duh) But God uses infatuation and physical attractions to draw us to each other. Think about it, without the attraction - guys and girls really would never get past those small things that they hate in each other. By the time they have fallen in love though, they have come to realize and settle those differences - they have come to love the person and not their looks - and so if it is real love and outlasts the ultimate test of time, then even in old age when our looks are not appealing - we can still experience love in its purest form. That is of course why we have Eternal Marriage.

So yah...I started out with a Brittney Spears song but...and maybe that's sacrilegious (sorry) but that's kind of how my thought process has been going.

-Kaylla

Today? Meh...yaaaah..no. it was a Bad Day.

Let's just say days are worse when they start out amazing and full of happiness and end bad instead of when they start out bad and end up being good. That was yesterday...today should not have been the way it was.

I'm reminded of one of my favorite lines from a movie I saw recently with my sister, A Cinderella Story with Hilary Duff. The Austen Ames dude tells her about how he feels like "I'm surrounded by people but always alone". And it's not that I'm not grateful for my friends, I honestly couldn't ask for better but sometimes I wonder if we really are on the same page. If they were in my head and I were in theirs, what are our real thoughts? Are they secretly annoyed with you? Do they really want to hit you behind that smile? Do they see the fake smile and laugh at their jokes when you forgot to keep listening? Are they really listening, do they really truly care deep down what you are thinking about?

It just leads me to think about who people really are. Another movie line (unknown movie though) comes to mind. The guy asks what something depends on and she says "It depends on who you really are!"

So who are you?

Are you the person who in their spare time actually wonders if your friends are all right? Those that you say you love, do you love them because they have benefits or because you genuinely think they are worth caring about. It's so strange...if I were to be honest with my self, like brutally honest? I'd say about half the people I say I love I actually love. (Then there is that rare person who you are scared to say you love because you don't want to break your heart if they don't feel the same amount of affection....) Hm.

So who am I?

I am Kaylla. ha, no way? yup. That's me. I have issues with trusting people so I make issues up that never even existed. I create ten times more drama in my life than anyone else. I create issues for other people too. Skillful huh? yah, I thought so too.

...What if people could only tell you exactly what the truth was, no matter if they knew what the truth was or not. If that were so I'd know at least what people say about me, instead of hearing the whispers (still haven't kicked the eavesdropping habit...oops). I got tired of living in the shadow for years and years and being a nobody but is being a somebody worth anything if nobody else cares about you as a somebody other than just another name on their facebook account?

Can you imagine how your day would go?

At least with all the lies gone you'd look life directly in the face. Instead of dealing with maybes and should bes you'd be dealing with...bes. ha.

....maybe I do deal with bes. Maybe life really is the way it is and I just make up that there are hidden meanings just to confuse myself. It's not TOTALLY unlikely, y'know?

I mean gosh! I know for sure that at least 8 people love me and always will. :) heck, who can do better than knowing that?

gosh...sorry for the downer post. I'll be better tomorrow - or next time I post (whenever that is) I promise. maybe even later tonight. who knows.

Kaylla

Hey! So my sister shared this song with me and I actually really like it...even if the words don't really apply to me, sometimes you like songs just because they're catchy. And I guess it does apply to me - just not in the romance sense. If I were talking about witchy crappy friends who blankety blank blank then sure. ;) love the song anyway - enjoy!!!

-Kaylla

Bad Fruit and Gnats

I love the rain. It brings back lots of memories of waiting for rainbows and silly old men talking about leprechauns. So I was reading some of my past posts and I figured, I'm going to get something straight, with myself and with my post.

First of all let me use an analogy: the gnats and the rotten fruit.

Would you eat a rotten fruit, especially if there were a bunch of gnats flying around, flying into your face, mouth, ears and any other place that is uncomfortable that they find? yeah, neither would I. So here's the deal. So many boys I would relate to the rotten fruit and the gnats you are (hopefully) asking? Girls who follow them around. Really annoying.

The rotten fruit aren't worth it. The good fruit is. Unlike my analogy, there is more rotten fruit that I know of than good fruit - so it's hard, and I really hate rotten fruit. I'll get into Banana Bread a little bit later.

There's always going to be rotten fruit. It just happens. Sometimes they don't look rotten on the outside so you stick your teeth into them and they surprise you. With fruit we go "Eww! Gross!" and spit it out as quickly as possible. That is what girls need to do with those boys who 1) make you feel like dirt 2) make crude jokes about girls when they're not around (or worse when they ARE around) and 3) don't have the same standards as you.

All those things make for a very bad fruit. Spit it out.

(sidenote: it's been a very wet year - lots of rain - I love it)

Wanna know what I hate the most about bad fruit? The gnats follow you after you get too close to it. I hate gnats. I want to squish them. The live sad lives.

Now for the Banana Bread side of this great analogy. Did you know that the best kind of bananas to use for banana sweet bread are partially rotten ones, even black? VERY ripe I guess you could say - spoiled, you name it. They're the best, but they taste GROSS alone, so only after they have things added to them, mixed, mashed, spiced, cooked THEN they are fit to be served. So rotten fruit (rotten boys) CAN end up being good - but only after being cooked, and mashed and spiced and FIXED. And the best part? There are no gnats around banana bread.

:D

Kaylla

Left Out

Ever been in a group of friends and totally felt like you just weren't there? Worst experience of my life . . . and experiencing it this very moment. Sometimes it's not your fault and sometimes it is and sometimes it's nobody's fault but with bad situations . . . that's where I am right now. I love mutual and my YW's group - but I wish I could have been in two places tonight. I know I was in the right place . . . but then why do I feel so sad? I wish could have hung out with my other friends too. I just needed to vent that I guess. I think I'm done. I just am sensitive I guess and wish I could be included . . . it's happened SO many times it's not even funny.

Done :)

Good Night!

Kaylla

PS - the pic felt appropriate - dunno why . . .

Guy Crazy

I'm guilty. With that off of my chest then I'll just say I hate it when girls hang around guys and . . . be like that. It kind of goes way too close to grossing me out.

There's a girl in my class who I've known since 5th grade who I love, yes, but who also annoys me like none other. Two people in this world do that - her and another girl. No names here either - just in case. BUT these two people . . . they seem to be attracted to the same guys as me. So for the past two weeks - if I like a guy, then he's practically in-accessible to even talk to because one or the other or BOTH are hitting on him.

Today I had my own little victory; if that's what you want to call it of course. I was just myself and had a lot of fun today but also when one of those certain girls was talking to him I jump started her - yeah whatever I got a slight glare but what do I care? I got my victory - the attention was all mine and I made her look foolish. I'm so horrible. That's why girls should never like guys and vice-versa or even be attracted until college when they can actually get married - it's way too distracting. And heartbreaking.

But I have comfort from one thought - the man who falls in love with me won't like the people I don't like, and will see those things in them too. In other words - if a guy likes me then he won't like any of those other two girls.

Another sad thing is that one of those girls got the part that I wanted in the play Fiddler on the Roof. But I think I've already said this - Far From The Home I Love is still my song. No changing that.

My friends tease each other non stop about boys - in a sarcastic way. I don't think any of us actually like someone (except me - I'm the weirdo of this group) :D which is great in a way. Hopefully I bring a fresh tide of water on their humor. I love them with all my heart. They're the only thing that makes not being liked by a guy worth it.

Every girl wants a guy to crush on her right? Or am I really wrong and super abnormal in my desire that a good guy with at least a decent physique will like me. Why is it that with guys Physique and Intelligence rarely go together? That's why I want to get to know No Name better I guess . . . to see if there's any gritty knowledge underneath those looks. :)

The hilarious part is how I'm not telling any names. If one of them read this they would know right off if it were them so why hide it? Oh well - not gonna change that ;)

I put as my gmail status "Love sucks lemons". I believe some explanation is needed.

Love sucks. Suck lemons is kind of a hippie way of saying when life gives you lemons make lemonjuice . . . except not. Sucking lemons if you haven't noticed is REALLY hard without . . . laughing and splattering the sour juices all over your friends. So when I say Love Sucks Lemons it means that being in love is like sucking a lemon, you know there's the potential for something really refreshing but the truth of the matter is that it tastes really bad.

*I'm done venting :D hopes and dreams are useless unless you do something about them.

*Never tell those hopes and dreams to people who don't care - they'll make you realize they're impossible which will prevent you from achieving them.

*Never take the same path as before - new ones bring different sores and sometimes worse ones but usually the beauty of the path is breathtaking; and if it isn't then go back to the old path next time.

*Be yourself - it's the only person you'll ever truly know except for Christ; you'll always go back to yourself and find that you're okay - that life is worth living as just you.

*Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches are worth their weight in gold.

*Tears cleanse the soul but too much cleaner leaves a bad smell and the case of tears . . . difficult vision.

*If you don't have enemies in life then you're not living your life right.

*Never recycle something that no one wants to use anyway.

*Take pictures of yourself being a goofball . . . and post it on facebook or wherever you go so people don't get the wrong idea.

*Go a day with your hair looking like you just took a shower and did nothing else with it. People will either tell you it's ugly or cute and those who tell you it's ugly . . . well they weren't much of a good friend to begin with now were they?

*Give advice that means nothing at least once a day.

*Read books that will change your life. Don't change your favorite books so that you can read your life.

*Country music is for people who are comfortable singing off-key loudly and loving the way it sounds. If that's not you then you need to practice loving the unlovable aspects of yourself.

*Step outside of your comfort zone once a day . . . sooner or later your comfort zone is going to be so big that you won't even know what that phrase means anymore.

*Go mute and deaf for a complete day at least once in your life.

*Never let someone tell you that love isn't worth the pain. Pain is the only proof that we're alive and human - and if love makes us feel that then Why Not?



DID you like my advice? It was all rather random but I had fun writing it :D I need to take my own advice on some of it but hopefully whoever reads this someday, it will mean something to them :)

Love you!

Kaylla

Friend Frenzies

Sometimes when a friend you considered close doesn't want to hang out with you as much . . . kind of hurts. I don't usually consider myself sensitive but I guess two things hit me really hard. Well - harder than most.

1. When someone who says you're their best friend decides they would rather be with other people than you and treats you as if you're feelings are just second opinions. Hurtful - never do it to your friends. They'll love you if you treat then as you want to be treated, which hopefully is better than crap.

2. Never muddy someone's name. I walked around a corner and although I couldn't hear everything they said - a bunch of people started bad-mouthing me. I'm not deaf. I can hear you and if I didn't then I'll probably hear it later and from someone else. If it's not hurting you then leave it alone and if it is hurting you I'm sorry but PLEASE tell me to my face.

No one likes being hurt and feeling like their friends are just pieces of paper where you fill in the blanks.

I want to thank all of my friends who I consider TRUE friends: you probably wont ever read this except maybe two or three of you - but if you do - I love you and know that you're appreciated, especially for including me in friendships I don't think I really deserve.

Also another thing - Why would there be an adjective for loneliness but not for solitude? One expresses the sorrow and the other the peace - so why do we explain things with sadness but not peace?

I read someone's thingy on facebook (no I do not have one - please stop inviting me - not allowed so just wait another year please!) but it said that the thing they were searching for was friendship. Aren't we all in a sense, or validation of sorts? I doubt that person will ever read my blog but if so I hope they know I personally consider them a friend (dunno about them but aren't a lot of friendships one sided without our knowing?)

I've just been feeling a bit depressed - sorry. I wanted to keep posting "regularly" haha however that works but I hope it was still insightful.

Love for you all! Even those who break my heart ;)

KaYlLa

Bleh

My currently most favorite thing to say: "I make my own drama and then haul it with me wherever I go."

SO. Another school dance. I just wanted to say a few things. Like I already previously stated in a roundabout way - this will be a post full of drama. Maybe my own maybe not.

It happens often. When a girl likes a guy (usually a popular guy) and then her friend, sometimes even best friend tells her that she likes him too. Usually for girls of my sort we say "okay . . . you can like him to" and then we listen to them and listen to them talk about things we think and . . . on and on. And just to clarify first - this doesn't mean that I'm actually in this situation right now - I'm just talking about it. Honestly

I can honestly say right now that I do not have a crush on any boys. At all. Promise.

So on with my story. So I've done this in the past twice before. Of course I was always the friend who was trampled on and leaned on and the one the guy literally never noticed. And I got to thinking. Girls like me DO get married. We have lives . . . but they just never start until AFTER High School. So why is that?

Why is College and the post - High School life so different from each other? How does that work? Do boys literally suddenly flip flop and now that they feel they can get married actually look for a girl they'd want to marry? So does that mean that if a guy crushes on you in High School - he's not really interested in you in that Eternal prospect? It's all rather confusing. I've known a lot of parents who met in High School though . . . and they have great marriages. Well some but that's not what this post is about. So . . . a girl like me just deals with it right? So why can't I do what I say? I mean right now I am but I'm so on the edge that . . . well I might fall over right? Might being the key word.

And I'm a LOT smarter than I look. If you're my friend and you're reading this and I've guessed either that you DO like someone or the actual person you like then you'll know this is true. I did it the other day - I felt that my friend was attracted to someone (which was strange for certain reasons) and when I asked her about it - I was right! And then today I read an email . . . and I haven't confirmed it but I'm pretty sure I know who she says she wont tell me who she likes. It's strange . . . I've been so involved in this Guy-Likes-Girl-and-Vice-Versa for so long myself that I'm pretty sure I'm a genius. :) in a biased way ;)

I even know what types of boys certain girls fall for . . . body type and such ;)

It's all horrible.

I'm done venting.

love ya bye!

KAYLLA

Sorry to Vent :(

Who was I talking to yesterday . . . that I talked to about liking who your family likes etc . . . gosh . . . Sunday . . . Maddy? McKell? GOSH I'll never know - such a bad memory; anyway - so I was talking about how I would never marry someone that my family didn't like, and they said something about marrying who you love nevermind if your family hates them, they should work on loving who you love - and that sounds right. right?

But I guess you could say that I don't think my brother's girlfriend is the right one for him. I think she's nice. Oh Gosh! hhmmmmm I think I just remembered . . . who . . . it was . . . I was talking to . . . maybe it was my dream. Oh well. :D ANYWAY - so yeah I think his girlfriend is a sweet sweet girl, but she's not the right . . . caliber I guess you could say for him. She's too - lenient. My brother needs someone who can lead out as well. He's always been a leader - he needs someone who can handle that kind of a character. She's nice and fun and whatever. But she can also be kind of . . . snobbish? But in a quiet way. Maybe it's just something another girl can pick up because he doesn't notice or maybe it's just between me and her.

I doubt she likes me either though. I made a comment about teeth I think it was once and her answer - gosh it made me feel like she was laughing at me.

Maybe I'm just venting. Well - I should stop, because that's not my place to do in a public place - anyway. :) I just think that if you're close to your family then the one you love and marry should and would fit in too.

Lots of love!

Kaylla

PS - the above pic is my fav. "romantic" picture. I like how it's almost like a hello and a goodbye all in one - definition of romance I think. "A picture is worth a thousand words" right? right.

Dunno what to call this post

There is one topic that I'm often found as easily approachable about; other girls' boy problems. It's rather funny actually - girls that are into that sort of thing (not all but I've been surprised by how many) have told me that I'm good to talk to. I wonder why that is? I give the advice of action I would hope I would take in situations like that . . . but it's funny because I rarely do.

Not to mention I'm a Charles Dickensian sort of old lady (if you've seen and/or read David Copperfield or Great Expectations then you'd realize that there's an old woman in both who takes a young girl in and tries to make her into a man-hater) anyway - I'm almost (notice word use "almost" a man-hater. I love my brothers and dad of course and a few select others (will not name) :) but other than that I don't think I trust men very much. It's really pretty interesting . . . if you like studying the way a girl thinks and how her time growing up affects her grownup years. I saw the trailer for "He's Just NOT That Into You" and was pretty convinced that girls who think that all guys like them stems from the fact that older siblings, moms and whoever else tells them that when someone of the opposite sex is mean it just means they like them. Rather humorous :D

I'm kind of babbling amn't I. Well - if you don't want to read this you're welcome to check out some other blog :D because I'm fixated on the subject of how I think liking boys is overrated and I think that most boys are either way to into THEMSELVES - too oblivious to when a girl is really good for him and . . . yeah. Interestingly enough I think my aversion to boys stems more from lack of wanted attention growing up than from broken heart. I don't think a boy has ever broken my heart except once and that person doesn't count :D

So what am I getting at here . . . I don't even know . . . I think I'm just trying to get out all the pent up emotions. That's good for the health.

Did you know that stopping yourself from sneezing can create potential heart problems? It can - so beware - let yourself sneeze :)

I've often told my brother Cameron that I don't think a guy will ever truly love me - that or I could never commit to something like that. I've got the stability of Missouri weather when it comes to who I like and don't like (Missouri weather I've heard can change on you in minutes). Most likely the latter of the two - because even totally rude people and people with major problems have people fall in love with them, but I don't think I'll ever fall in love.

So here's my plan. Well Plan A I guess.

A: Hope for the best but plan for the worst is my motto so I will just not get married unless THE PERFECT MAN FOR ME comes along and if he doesn't then I'll find some old guy who's already been married and his wife's died or something and then I'll marry him in the temple - and voila! I can go to the Celestial Kingdom but he won't have to spend eternity with me because he'll probably want to spend it more with his first wife. It works :D

But that's only the worst case scenario. I hope. :D

I have the feeling that I'm in the most sardonic mood. Look up the word sardonic - it's a pretty cool word :)

I really hate those pens that you have to twist in order to get the ball point to come out - it annoys me because when you're writing (if you write like me) then you twist your pen as you write and it slowly spins itself back in and you have to constantly be twisting it out again. Annoying.

My brother went on a hike recently (I've been talking a lot about Cameron but hopefully nobody minds right? right. good.) so anyway - hiking - and he brought the friend over that he was going hiking with and so we were all talking while Cameron got the stuff they needed together and I actually could talk to him like a normal person - it was pretty cool. I wish most guys were that mature, then I might change my mind but they're not so I won't.

Well . . . I'm not sure but this post is getting kind of old to me.

Oh - boyfriends and girlfriends are useless until you can actually get serious. And if your family doesn't like whoever you're considering marrying then please don't marry them (unless of course you aren't really that close to your family) (ASK THEM if you don't already know.)

It's kind of windy outside.

I love umbrellas - I want to take a picture one day of me walking across a street with an umbrella . . . it would be kind of retro and then cool at the same time. Okay - so I'm not even talking about what I meant to talk about anymore so I'll say goodbye now!!!

Goodbye Now!!!!

Kaylla