i love, i miss

i love.

the way that amaya smiles at me and makes me feel like i am a definite part of the group. how chad tries to steal my bracelet by holding my hand. how allie talks as if we've been friends for ages. the way i can banter back and forth with collin about music. alicea's laugh. the name charlie and blaming him for everything that goes wrong. craig's amazing leadership skills. sean putting his arm around me like a little sister. the way everyone waves and says goodbye as i'm leaving. how i am not afraid to wear whatever i want, because it's not my clothes that define me but how genuine i am and make others feel around me as well. adrienne's innocent beauty. everyone's obsession with harry potter and "a very potter musical". alex's witty comments. how allie actually wants to go slacklining with me and take me longboarding. the way it's so easy to tease around with charlie, and how in his prediction of my future he didn't skip a beat to make himself my first husband {i think this might be why i heard him called "prince charming"}. megan being just as cool as she is and admitting outright that she doesn't like salad either. when collin shows me piano and rap songs, anything except country. how not one of the boys is disrespectful, and are gentlemen. the fun moments when i don't feel awkward starting a chorus of oohs and ahhs for the salem fireworks. ethan's startling blue eyes and horrible volleyball skills. that rachel is so cute and funny and smart all at the same time. alicea's entire personality that just makes me want to be super happy. being surrounded by so many people who are so real, and actually love everything about each other, nothing fake.

i miss

climbing trees and spontaneous moments with brittani. playing soccer outside afterschool with madison and jongthu. math class with austin. getting teased by michael and trying to have good come-backs...but failing. having a place to belong. sitting late at night in nick's basement singing along to "lips" and fooling around. trips to wal-mart and getting kicked out because of frenchy. nick's korean dancing skills. study halls spent doing anything but studying. ultimate frisbee during history/current events. the happy surprise of him coming up behind me. teaching esteban small bits of ASL. doing my handshake with Drewbee. teasing and mocking davieboy. always texting either brittani or madison. stake dances every other weekend and getting lost in alpine. short walks in the snow, talking about nothing. last dances and broken chances. apple bread for birthdays and too much chocolate for valentine's. long texts with madison about random things like toy story to stuffed animals to piro-maniacs. long drives and talks with my mom. wandering around kohler's. climbing on brittani's roof. playing golf in the wind and rain. watching tangled. being cared about, even when i doubted.

i had lots to say on the fact that my list for "i miss" is a lot shorter than "i love". but i erased it all due to bias. take your own interpretation. i'm trying to finish a chapter in this book and i keep losing my own very short attention span. the book being my life. i figure best way to get past the difficult paragraph is to speed read and find out what happens later.

maybe the next chapter won't be so dramatic. i'm looking forward to it.

sometimes i talk about music.

you know me, i have a whole label titled "country music", and another one for just "music". well today i got to talk about music to my heart's content with my new pal collin. yes, the same collin i mentioned in my "hidden heroes" {look up ^}.

apparently he likes piano music. we shared lots and lots of music {he doesn't like "he is we"...shame} but he still sounds like a good fella.

one of the songs he shared with me i want to share with you, my few {numbering about ten now} followers {stalkers}. i heard it in his car on the ride to the recording studio {that i have yet to tell you about...} {i'll get around to that tomorrow. pinky promise} anyway, this song was playing on one of his cd's and i totally fell in love with it but was too shy/embarrassed to ask him about it. he's one of those people that comes across at first as way way too cool for someone like me to talk to. so when he shared it with me tonight i was really happy.

anywho. i'm glad to know collin. i hope this isn't presumptious but i really think we'll at least be pretty ok friends.

i kind of like this friendship with a general love for the same musics. i mean seriously...how many guys share piano music with you? not many. no offense but all my friends last year when we had conversations like this; were sharing pitbull and swedish techno.

a musical breath of fresh air. with aviator sunglasses haha. you'll understand later.

lots of love,

kaylla

Easy

another song I heard on the radio...

i love how the whole beginning of the song is a lie, until he says that one line and the whole song changes meanings; of how hard it really is to make it look so easy.

also - i love her voice. not gonna lie, i wish i had that power in my vocal chords.

enoy. bask in the wonderful glares from the guitar men in this strange video haha. just realized that. sorry.

love,

kaylla

my responsibility, my fault.

{drama alert - post may be stupid and a bit dumb and depressing} {do not read if you don't love me unconditionally} :P

it's a hard thing when you discover that everything that is hurting you, ultimately is your own fault. i've come to discover that except for a very spare few of my old friends, even remember me from time to time. even those that i hung out 80% of last year failed to include me {even before i'd moved down here} honestly it really really hurt when i found out about it. i tried being mad, jealous, betrayed, but like i said - ultimately the blame came down to myself. the only way to be mature in my circumstances as my mom has constantly told me is not to push the blame on someone else but accept responsibility with open arms.

so it demands the question: why is it your fault kaylla that barely any of your friends were really even as much? because i myself wasn't a good friend. admission time: i was a drama queen, i made everything out of nothing and nothing out of everything. i belittled my used-to-be best friend and took for granted those who actually cared. i forced myself upon certain others until i was accepted, and chased after a romance that i should have known would only end and end with me the only party really hurt. yes we all say we are friends but lets be honest here...5...7...10 years from now...? will you really remember my name? will i remember yours?

i think back to my first crush in kindergarten, i don't even know his name. {ironic though - he was a twin - the dark haired one of non-identical twins...haha i just realized that...o the irony is really...killing me wow} ;P and it makes me wonder, if i don't even remember my first crushes name...how much will i remember from this last year? how many friends have i truly made? how many did i change for the better?

i just gotta be honest, right now i'm feeling like the worst friend ever. i've never focused on anyone but myself, unless the other's troubles are painfully obvious. i am just a dunce!!! a flat out idiot. if i had been a truer friend, then i would have truer friends. it just makes more...sense... and with truer friends, i doubt i'd feel quite so abandoned after moving out here. maybe...maybe just maybe i'd have had those last weeks with the people i loved and cared for the most instead of staying home because of my foolhardy stupidity.

it kind of makes sense though...when the going gets tough, the tough get going idea - that i should make new friends, just buck up and start over. but it's not really that easy...i'm kind of an oddball. i just...i don't want to have to change who i am, in order to be happy again...i shouldn't have to, yet already i feel myself reverting back to the shy girl of my childhood, the one who rarely spoke and was moody and occasionally rude.

the wind here is almost always blowing and if it is blowing, it's usually blowing northward... it makes me wish i were a leaf and could fly back, back in time and just re-live the best moment and fix my worst mistakes. funny thing is that my first mistake was myself. i should have stuck to one group of friends, instead of trying to do both {which almost failed}. if i had never known what i'd missed, i'd still be as happy as an idiot high on ignorance's bliss.

but then i'd never give it up now that i've had it. i wouldn't trade a single one of those memories. no matter how much i love them or hate them or how much i let them hurt me, i wouldn't give them up.

it's funny...i kind of realize now how stupid i was to think that if i let my standards down just a little bit, that it would eventually mean that people would love me more. in a way i was right, because i let down some unnecessary walls - but then...i became more attached than i should have realized any of them could ever be to me, especially since maybe i was attached for the wrong reasons. going back to the fact that i was a complete selfish witch. they were all good friends...and maybe i was a good friend at first - but i failed the long-term test, and ruined them in the end. {probably a good reason to add to my list of reasons for not having best friends - because i suck at the whole stupid idea of long-term anything} {probably a good reason for me not to get married either. at least until i fix that.....ha.}

so all this honesty has got one thing as a common denominator: i gotta pull my act together. i may not know how the next few months will come and go...but i do know that if i can make it one day at a time - doing my utmost to improve myself, eventually years will pass without even a second glance and maybe someday i won't have to say "what if..."

wow. today was just rough...

it started out really well with an adventure with lilly, trying to find a grocery store because we desperately needed milk, but ended with me here in front of my bedroom window watching as the city lights turn on...maybe a little wet around the eyes. darn allergies right?

so many wishes unfulfilled...it makes me wonder how it'll all work out, if it's even possible to work myself out of the mess this time. but day by day, with my david tolk music and jenny phillips and one chapter of that good 'ole blue book each morning and night...someday i'll be smiling again without even a glimmer of this frown...keep taking pictures of sunrises and sunsets (: keep being quirky, getting enough rest and eating right and maybe go for a run to force those endorphins of happiness when i find it hard to. some country music here and there, cookies and cream chocolate when it gets really tough...but always a prayer in my heart and in the end?...

"all will be well."

Kaylla

An Adventure

"the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."

at least i think that is how the proverb goes. not sure - you can google it i'm sure if you want to exact quote.

so onward and upward: my journey of a thousand miles? making a new reality and accepting that the old one has forgotten me and that i really should forget all about it.

so today for the bulk of the day, well it was pretty much being lazy and catching up on my favorite tv series "haven" because the premiere for the second season came out yesterday. but then around seven i went to a stake dance/social activity...

that was...interesting.

first of all when they said that it was at a barn i thought "oh ok, so like someone's personal gym or something maybe"...nope, it really was a barn. i have the manure and sandcovered flip-flops and jeans to prove it. first mistake? wearing those jeans. second mistake? ...can't think of a second one actually - but we'll see

so my dad dropped me off at the place and i wandered around trying to find out where the entrance was. once i found it i stood behind some chairs {new girl: i obviously don't really have friends yet...} but luckily one of the girls from my YW's class saw me {in fact i was standing just behind her} which i'm really thankful for because otherwise i probably would have walked home early.

i went to go play some volleyball with her and her friends {yes, awkward seeing as i don't really know anyone...when will it stop being awkward? gosh, kind of sick of that}

haha my favorite part was when the ball got stuck behind some railing and not any of the boys even tried to climb over...REALLY weird - where's Drew when ya need him? after years and years of our soccer balls going over the fence at AHS it ended up being me getting it, after like 5 minutes of waiting for someone else to do it. wow kaylla (:

oh and i took my shoes off...? not sure what was worse, flip flops on and manure filled sand or just my bare feet....I'm sure I smelled wonderful. but you know me - as long as it's fun, it's worth getting dirty. it really wasn't bad; just when i thought that i was stepping on poo...

haha

there was this one guy {troy? not sure} who was hilarious! if there was a blond version of nick, that was troy. truly a heart of gold - and he doesn't seem to find it awkward to talk to me, even if we haven't talked at all much.

met two emily's, one whittney, zack, saw jacob and max johnson again, oh and after volley ball i went to go dance some line dances with erika {yeeeahh kelsey - line dancing...maybe i was wrong that these people weren't hicks. jk jk} (: they really are all pretty normal, in fact a lot like the upper highland/alpine people

so we danced the chicken dance, got some drinks of water, talked to erika about sign language {I've always wanted to learn - now going to salem hills high i might actually get the chance!!} talked to Becca {another girl from my ward whose been pretty cool} and then there were a group of girls and we were talking - something about one of them hacked into the other girls' facebook account, etc...they sound like kaytlyn and kelsey (:

so then there was a slow dance. dunno why someone requested a slow dance at a social like that...it was pretty much outdoorsy stuff...oh well, but i really REALLY REALLY don't like slow dances anymore, in fact ahead of time i told myself - kaylla if there are slow dances, RUN. not walk - RUN. too late. Jacob asked me and at first i said no {then i realized what a JERK thing that was to do} {stop thinking about yourself kaylla} and said yes. i gotta say, i doubt many other girls can say they have had a slow dance with a fella like him. he told me how to sit on his lap so that he could move his wheelchair in circles but occasionally his chair would get stuck and i'd have to get out and fix it, eventually i just stood up and we kept talking (: what a fun guy.

i don't think i was able to ever tell you about the johnsons! my dad's mom and dad {my grandparents} were like best friends with jacob's grandparents, so my dad and jacob's mom families were really close, so when we moved here and my dad saw leslie, it was like a reunion! so i've gotten to know jacob a bit more than everyone else. they're a really cool family. really cool. (: max reminds me of jordon at that age!

so then after the slow song, talked some more i think, talked to erika, mostly i can't remember really...met her brother zack who seriously looks like he could be austin hills' twin brother {weird i know...maybe they are related...i should ask} {oh and megan looks like briana...WOW, i'll ask about them too (: }

got a ride home..."tidied up" and went home (: zack tried to tell me that i really should tryout for the soccer team, he's a soccer player too - striker - but i don't know...i don't want to make a fool of myself, showing up to tryouts and being REALLY bad. i dunno...i just don't feel like making a fool of myself. i will probably go to all the home games though - i like watching soccer (: even before last year.

so then i came home, took a shower to wash the manure sand off of my body and waited for my parentals and lo to come home - the went to see harry potthead {jk of course} because her birthday is tomorrow and they wanted to do something special for her.

now i'm going to bed (: night!

kaylla

country tears

ever heard a song that didn't explain how you were feeling at all? but how you wished someone else might have felt...because then you would have probably changed your own feelings? yah...that's me. i find myself randomly wanting to cry...like a lot, simply walking past a stupid field where i may have went golfing once; or cut across through a couple yards using a short cut someone had walked with me through...

and then i realize i'm such an idiot because they just...don't feel the same way. y'know? i mean - it's not like they don't totally forget about me, but i'm just not the same to them anymore.

anyway - the meaning of the title of this post: country tears is a term i thought of in my head {late night thoughts...so rich y'know?} where one person feels so dang much but they learn through tough experience that it's better to keep it bottled up; but then they have to cry sometime right? so they cry inside. those are country tears.

{i country cry a lot.}

but then just like crying, once it's over it's done. you're not even hardly sad anymore. just like the country - you keep going, you live, you adjust and you just...move on. no matter how hard it is, it's just life. no matter how much you could take those kisses back, take back all the things you said that you guess now were over-hasty...it's never going to happen.

so here's a country song to end this post. a kabungle of the beginning of this post {i don't feel the way this song sings but i wish sometimes that someone else did - but after my country tears, i'm ok that they dont...just havin' a hard time movin on y'know?} *wink...

the end. {sorry, i know - another post about that but i promise, it's one of the last ones. i'm moving on. haha literally.}

kaylla

ps - ok maybe the song does apply to me. whatever. i like the song either way - it's got a nice guitar part IF ANYTHING ok?

bye

Just a Kiss

Don't worry - I haven't kissed anyone recently - it's the name of a song. Didn't feel like writing much tonight...well I did, but nothing interesting and nothing I'd feel very comfortable putting out there where anyone could read it. Let's just say I miss talking to some people and I never got tired of talking to them, although I feel like they may have gotten tired of me. Wow. already said more than I planned. Anyhow - I heard this song on the radio yesterday, Kelsey showed it to me a couple of weeks ago, and it used to make me feel really sad actually...but the recent events (the ones I apologized for) make it so that I don't feel so sad about it anymore. This song basically just reminds me of Prom night, and some of the nights following it. I miss it. All of it.

Wow, I'm sappy. sorry - I'll shutup now.

funny...someone said something about the moon that night too. Go figure. ;)

Kaylla

Whiskey Lullaby

This is one of the saddest songs I've ever heard. It just shows how love and passion goes. Goes to show that fidelity and keeping promises is better than breaking them, in the long run.

And I love Alison's voice - she's the first country artist that I absolutely loved; and I still love her voice - so pure and heart wrenching in this case. Brad does a good job too.

Kaylla

Hm? What Did You Say?

I wonder what it would be like to be deaf. My friend Nicole's dad is blind and once when I went to dinner

with her family after the General Young Wom

en's Conference, we decided that I would pretend to be blind, try to make

other people think so at least. It was a ton of fun. :) A lot of awkwardly standing around but when I honestly made myself believe that I couldn't see anything that I really could see...it wasn't awkward. It was an adventure.

But then imagine, all the tiny little sounds that you take for granted, the typing of the keyboard, the whirring of a fan, the sneeze down in the kitchen, the sound of you moving your feet or scratching your ear...all of it? Gone.

I've also always wanted to be able to communicate in Sign Language. I know a handful of words and the alphabet (although I always forget what "P" and "Q" are) haha. I think it would be cool to be able to communicate to someone and not have anyone else around you understand, or to be able to communicate a whole conversation...silently. Wouldn't that be weird to have a silent argument? I think I would prefer it actually. I've always hated yelling...just like I've always loved music and the piano...

That's one thing I don't think I could handle about being deaf. Music. Music is my life, especially now that my life is changing, oftentimes I resort to my music to either determine or change my mood. Oftentimes if I'm talking to a friend and I'm in a good mood - there is country music playing. If I'm feeling romantic...I might play slower country...or Down by Jay Sean (the acoustic version), or if I'm feeling angry I might listen to a song that may have a rougher beat. On Sundays or...quite honestly, rough days like today, I will listen to the music that I feel the most comfortable with, most at home with; and that's David Tolk.

Ever since I was little my mom would play his CD Mendh

am and I know those songs by heart. When I hear Clearwater I think of hiding away quietly behind the couch in the front living room and just staring at the sunlight falling on the coffee table. Just sitting there...I always felt more safe and comfortable when I was closed in. I am definitely not claustrophobic. :) It kind of reminds me the famous autistic woman, Temple Grandin and her Hug Machine. Music is my hug machine. I think that if I couldn't hear the music...the music of life, the piano, the violin and the cello...I would simply waste away in morbid silence

So a silent world, a blessing or a curse? I believe God knows exactly what He is doing, so it would always be a blessing. That's why he didn't make me deaf :) otherwise he would have made the first curse. Haha, anyway - for once a post completely focused on what matters to me and what will never lie to me.

Oh! Have I ever mentioned how music, life and sound all have one thing in common? Vibration. I've heard that some deaf people still listen to music (especially harder beats and louder) because they can feel the vibrations and the beats. If I HAD to be deaf, I would never st

op the beat. Life IS motion, it IS vibration. Life is Music. Life is Sound. Life to me...it is being...Life is being music. So in a really weird and round-about way...I am music. :)

Night everybody,

Kaylla

Right Now? I'm crying

That's a lot of information I know to put in a post. Maybe it's open and weird and awkward, but you know what? It's a part of life and I want people to know, I cry to. I get hurt. I trust and that trust is broken.

Saturday night was one of the worst days of my life. I wanted to punch one person, cry on someone's shoulder - and settled for sobbing in my friends car and then once I got home? I screamed into my pillow and sobbed looking at the mirror, wiping away the mascara. I was wrong about the tears being cleansing. I felt dry, and empty. Completely empty.

I've decided some things. First of all, I'm not going to kiss anyone ever again unless I know they love me (which basically means after the alter and the vows issue going down), I'm not going to date seriously till my Sophomore/Junior year at college, and I AM going to go on a mission (which also infers that I wont be dating seriously until after I'm 23). Boys make amazing friends...but I just don't know how to trust and keep trusting them with my heat. I think they have clumsy issues, and when someone drops your heart - it's a pretty bloody mess. And I'm the one who has to clean it up while they get a rain check. Thanks a bunch.

Been listening to a lot of ..."breakup" songs recently. Just gotta say - calling it at "just friends"? is hard enough after the level of friendship and closeness we had, it's worse when they ignore you and don't tell you everything anymore. Yup - thanks a lot pal. And I don't care if he reads this one day...I'm sick of regretting what I say to people.

From now on, I'm going to say what I mean and mean what I say to people. If I want to shout out the window of my car, whose gonna stop me? If I want to punch him in the face - who is gonna stop me? If I want to just walk away because people are just sooooooooooo so stupid, I totally can. No one is going to stop me now. I have complete control of my life. No guy is so perfect that you can trust him with everything, honestly that even applies to after marriage...think of all the marriages where the woman has trusted her whole heart to him - and he leaves her with a new born and five other kids to take car of on her own. Yah...That's what I'm talking about.

Gosh. I have trust issues. I trust people so easily and when they break that trust I like...cut them off forever. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse. I'd rather just not trust anyone from the start - that way I'd root out the bad rocks from the gems from the start and I'd have less pain and heartache. yah...good idea.

I'm so tired right now...But I can't sleep. So tired of not being able to get him off my mind. There's no music about random things that I like....I like these two

But....y'know. It's just not the same. I wonder if I really want things to go back to the way they were...and I don't think I do. I'm tired of doubting him, guessing whether I'm as attached as he was (guess not) :P and just always having to have to lower my standards. I still love him...but he's not the one I want to marry - and why spend time on someone who would make a great friend, but who I would probably kill if I ever shared his bed. Thaaaaat's awkward. But it's the truth.

Guys are weird. Hurtful. Not-trustworthy. Stupid.

"Who needs a boyfriend, I've got my girlfriends" ;) and aint that the truth. I've never been so happy as when I'm with Kaytlyn and Kelsey. Kaytlyn and I can REALLY talk, and not just about guys! I've had so many gal friends and really that's all we talk about - I like how I can talk piano, sports, anything really with her. She's amazing :)

Life really just needs some major makeovers - time to change, like I said. New standards, new rules, and lots of barb-wire around THIS little country girl's heart!!!

Pretty much!

Kaylla

Sheltered? Huh?

I think I was seven (?) when my brother Aaron got his license (yah...that sounds about right) ANYway - my mom would never let him drive me places, not that I really went anywhere, but she wouldn't because of his taste in music. Let me give you an example of what he listened to:



Yah...I wish I were still that sheltered.

I was just listening to my playlist on GrooveShark and it surprised me when an older song showed up on my shuffle. I was talking to Madison about how sheltered I was, and I told him I'd rather be sheltered than not. People always tell me I'm so sheltered - and can I just say, I wish I were more sheltered. When people say I really don't want to know what a word means, I really should just listen to them and recently I have been. I don't look things up anymore - I'd rather not read that junk...

But wait! haha sorry - I don't want to offend anyone, because a LOT of my friends know a LOT of this stuff that I don't know and you know what's crazy? Yah, they're not innocent but they aren't BAD people like I used to believe.

But maybe I've just been desensitized? But then, am I a bad person? I don't think so - so it makes me wonder, is there REALLY a place where you are Too sheltered? I remember one of my first arguments with my friend Gabby was about the school I went to - her argument was that I wouldn't be ready for the "real" world. (Ha I can't believe I remember that conversation - do you remember Gabby?? haha) and then I remember when my brother left our small world of private school AHS, and he started to change, at first for the worst but then as he became much older, and graduated - something changed again and he really was ready for the "real" world; whereas you take me and I'm terrified to go out there and live life on my own.

Just this morning my mom was talking about how in our new house I'll finally have my own room (yay!) and then she finished her sentence with how hard it will be to get rid of me now. It made me realize that in all truths...in about a year - I will probably be moving out, going to college, and starting my "real" life. And I'm scared.

So is it bad to be sheltered? I think so...But then I'd never give up the sunny childhood days - believing that I could really soak up the creek into my tiny feet, or believing that stepping on the mushrooms was evil magic, or drinking out of the hose, or making dirt cities in our unfinished yard of dirt :) (remember Lilly?? mine was the coolest - you know it!), or making green cake with Gabby and Alyssa, watching the grass move like a wave through Gabby's attic window, or cleaning under my bed and my closet each year because I could NEVER keep it uncluttered for the life of me...

But when did I stop being sheltered? Hmm...give me a second to think it through - hahaha... - I think it was 8th grade. My mom got fired that year from her job of teaching 4th graders. We put our house up for sale and unable to sell it, refinanced. My world was turned upside down as my relationship with my dad deteriorated, I started listening to what I considered "hard" music at the time (most of it was just country with harder beats - like "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts), I changed my wardrobe...then in ninth grade I met Nicole. :)

Oh Nicole...where would I be if I'd never met you?

Before I met Nicole - you gotta understand the life I lived. I read only fantasy books - I never did my homework, though I was a book worm, I had no social life, I didn't wear makeup (hated it in fact and convinced Nicole to STOP wearing it), and spent my days watching and re-watching childhood movies. Maybe occasionally I talked online through email with friends - I was very cyber oriented as well. Nicole, LITERALLY changed all that. She forced me out of my comfort zone, making me talk to the guy who had embarrassed me after telling him that I liked him - he and I became friends again - ANYway - Nicole helped me to learn that shouting in the hallway and getting stares wasn't bad. It was just letting your voice be heard.

Tenth grade came around and Nicole and I pulled apart. I wish we never had. I became better friends with a childhood friend - Brittani Bills - and we took Spanish together with Mr. Carman - ugh - long dramatic story, we let it effect our lives to a degree that I find embarrassing now. My parents got divorced. That was...weird, though I have to admit I'd been asking my parents to do it since at least 7th grade (at least in my head). I remember one morning getting ready for school and just wishing I had no ears. Then after my dad moved out, we sold our house and lived in a basement apartment in PG for about three months...I hated those months. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. My parents started talking again and decided to do it again - they fixed their issues and decided to get married again. My mom had already signed the papers though for our little town-home in AF so we just decided to have him come along...weird but yah. They were married in our front living room for the second time. Traumatic year. Still sheltered? Heck no.

Then THIS year. WHOOSH! (Ha, have you ever noticed that you count years by school years, not actual years? confusing but that's how it rolls - for me at least). Friends from all over the world (= lots of culture shock for me and them, and more unsheltering), friends who I never thought I would even be able to stand (and now not only am I standing them, but I love their guts), and literally three different groups of people who I consider friends...thus confusion on my part again on where I belong :P

So Sheltered Kaylla White - where will you be in a year?

A year ago I wrote myself a letter, I get to open it this Wednesday...and I'm SO excited - you have no idea. It's like a time capsule!!! :)

A year from now - so much could happen...but what will it be this time? Will I be happier or will I be torn apart again and have to stitch the pieces back together again? (dramatic I know - but hey, I'm a writer, I have a license to sappiness, dramatics, and violence)

So here's to another year gome and one to come in a life of no-longer-being sheltered, and trying to keep some semblance of innocence in this world splattered in mud. I know I can make it through this mess, because I know who I am - and seriously, if you know that? Who can change your mind? No One.

C'est La Vie.

Kaylla

PS - sorry for such a long post...I had a lot to say :P and still didn't say it all...

Suppose I Smile Now?

I was talking to a dear friend a couple of hours ago and he told me how girls really are easy to understand. We just want the man we love to think about us, first, most, always. And that's honestly all I want - a man that would adore me and never look sideways at the other girls passing by. I'm trying to build my faith in such a man....but I figure if I want him enough to wait for him, he's there and will look for me too.

A thought I use to comfort myself is that RIGHT now, SOMEwhere - he is walking this earth just like me. He's struggling, his heart is breaking, everything - just not together. But someday we will be together. I don't know if I know him already or not...or if I have yet to meet him but he's there. I just have to have faith - and that faith? It will get me through Hell and back - right back into his eternally faithful and loving embrace.

~*~

Just a song I heard today that I thought went with this post well...I hope you like it as much as I do. :)





Because this is the way I roll... :)

Kaylla

"Life, Love and the Pursuit of Happyness"

I love this song. :) I love dancing to it too - especially with one of my most favoritest people...





and this song has been on my thoughts recently as well....gotta love country. They aren't afraid to say what needs to be said.





:)

Kaylla

P.S. the title is something someone said to me - and I liked it a lot :)
P.P.S - Friday was one of the best days of my life and I can't stop smiling and thinking about...well, you know :)

"Every word, like a shooting star"

Let me start this post first by putting the lyrics of my new favorite song, Terrified by Katharine McPhee:

You by the light
Is the greatest find
In a world full wrong you're the thing that's right
Finally made it through the lonely to the other side

You said it again my heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark,
And I'm in love and I'm terrified.
For the first time in the last time
In my only life.

This could be good
It's already better than last
And love is worse than knowing
You're holding back
I could be all that you needed
If you let me try

You said it again my hearts in motion
Every word feels like a shooting start
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark
And I'm in love and I'm terrified
For the first time in the last time
in my only

I only said it cause i mean it
I only mean cause it's true
So don't you doubt what I've been dreaming
Cause it fills me up and holds me close
Whenever I'm without you

You said it again my hearts in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
Watching the shadows burning in the dark
And I'm in love and I'm terrified
For the first time in the last time
In my only life

(*italicized words are the phrases that I like the most)

Here's the song itself if you want to listen as well.






Let's just say this song speaks to my heart and mindset right now. It's that part of high school love where you don't want things to be awkward but you are so stupid that you totally mess things up . . . it's like a happy sad song. My friend Kels said she thought of me when she heard this song - she's the one who shared it with me (thank you Kelsey! forever indebted!)

Music speaks more than words sometimes.

Kaylla