my responsibility, my fault.

{drama alert - post may be stupid and a bit dumb and depressing} {do not read if you don't love me unconditionally} :P

it's a hard thing when you discover that everything that is hurting you, ultimately is your own fault. i've come to discover that except for a very spare few of my old friends, even remember me from time to time. even those that i hung out 80% of last year failed to include me {even before i'd moved down here} honestly it really really hurt when i found out about it. i tried being mad, jealous, betrayed, but like i said - ultimately the blame came down to myself. the only way to be mature in my circumstances as my mom has constantly told me is not to push the blame on someone else but accept responsibility with open arms.

so it demands the question: why is it your fault kaylla that barely any of your friends were really even as much? because i myself wasn't a good friend. admission time: i was a drama queen, i made everything out of nothing and nothing out of everything. i belittled my used-to-be best friend and took for granted those who actually cared. i forced myself upon certain others until i was accepted, and chased after a romance that i should have known would only end and end with me the only party really hurt. yes we all say we are friends but lets be honest here...5...7...10 years from now...? will you really remember my name? will i remember yours?

i think back to my first crush in kindergarten, i don't even know his name. {ironic though - he was a twin - the dark haired one of non-identical twins...haha i just realized that...o the irony is really...killing me wow} ;P and it makes me wonder, if i don't even remember my first crushes name...how much will i remember from this last year? how many friends have i truly made? how many did i change for the better?

i just gotta be honest, right now i'm feeling like the worst friend ever. i've never focused on anyone but myself, unless the other's troubles are painfully obvious. i am just a dunce!!! a flat out idiot. if i had been a truer friend, then i would have truer friends. it just makes more...sense... and with truer friends, i doubt i'd feel quite so abandoned after moving out here. maybe...maybe just maybe i'd have had those last weeks with the people i loved and cared for the most instead of staying home because of my foolhardy stupidity.

it kind of makes sense though...when the going gets tough, the tough get going idea - that i should make new friends, just buck up and start over. but it's not really that easy...i'm kind of an oddball. i just...i don't want to have to change who i am, in order to be happy again...i shouldn't have to, yet already i feel myself reverting back to the shy girl of my childhood, the one who rarely spoke and was moody and occasionally rude.

the wind here is almost always blowing and if it is blowing, it's usually blowing northward... it makes me wish i were a leaf and could fly back, back in time and just re-live the best moment and fix my worst mistakes. funny thing is that my first mistake was myself. i should have stuck to one group of friends, instead of trying to do both {which almost failed}. if i had never known what i'd missed, i'd still be as happy as an idiot high on ignorance's bliss.

but then i'd never give it up now that i've had it. i wouldn't trade a single one of those memories. no matter how much i love them or hate them or how much i let them hurt me, i wouldn't give them up.

it's funny...i kind of realize now how stupid i was to think that if i let my standards down just a little bit, that it would eventually mean that people would love me more. in a way i was right, because i let down some unnecessary walls - but then...i became more attached than i should have realized any of them could ever be to me, especially since maybe i was attached for the wrong reasons. going back to the fact that i was a complete selfish witch. they were all good friends...and maybe i was a good friend at first - but i failed the long-term test, and ruined them in the end. {probably a good reason to add to my list of reasons for not having best friends - because i suck at the whole stupid idea of long-term anything} {probably a good reason for me not to get married either. at least until i fix that.....ha.}

so all this honesty has got one thing as a common denominator: i gotta pull my act together. i may not know how the next few months will come and go...but i do know that if i can make it one day at a time - doing my utmost to improve myself, eventually years will pass without even a second glance and maybe someday i won't have to say "what if..."

wow. today was just rough...

it started out really well with an adventure with lilly, trying to find a grocery store because we desperately needed milk, but ended with me here in front of my bedroom window watching as the city lights turn on...maybe a little wet around the eyes. darn allergies right?

so many wishes unfulfilled...it makes me wonder how it'll all work out, if it's even possible to work myself out of the mess this time. but day by day, with my david tolk music and jenny phillips and one chapter of that good 'ole blue book each morning and night...someday i'll be smiling again without even a glimmer of this frown...keep taking pictures of sunrises and sunsets (: keep being quirky, getting enough rest and eating right and maybe go for a run to force those endorphins of happiness when i find it hard to. some country music here and there, cookies and cream chocolate when it gets really tough...but always a prayer in my heart and in the end?...

"all will be well."

Kaylla