honesty, criticism, reality.

i'm a horrible person.

{yay for stupid-me and what-have-i-done-now posts. this is one of those. it will probably be deleted within the next 24 hrs so read while you still can.}

but i am.

and sometimes i just want others to admit it too. but not in an angry way. why can't people have conversations like:

"hi. i'm a horrible person. i enjoyed pulling the legs off of flies when i was little. they were still alive."

and then they answer

"wow. you really are a horrible person."

or maybe:

"well hello. will you please line up for me to break your heart? i won't mean to, but i'm a complete realist and if you don't fit the bill...bzzzp! you'r out."

"well that's just dumb. why would anyone sign up for that?"

honesty never killed anyone. it certainly hasn't killed me yet, and i am a firm believer in giving and taking it.

for example, today my mom told me:

"if you constantly push people away, they're going to come to expect that. and they will never come back. you can't treat people like plastic bags, saving them only for when you need them. that's selfish."

{those weren't her exact words...but rather what i heard. isn't is funny how sometimes our thoughts are much more eloquent? and harsh.}

but i agree.

and if you are one of those people...

i am so sorry.




i will be better.

Juan-ito!

every monday and thursday morning a short and slightly heavy-set mexican man brings a delivery of canned goods, boxes and flour...and any other odds and ends that the company he works for provides. he is the sweetest little guy.

i make it a point to say thank you whenever he comes and then he asks me to sign the receipt. there are some people out there who you know just have good hearts and you can't help but smile. he's one of those people.

and i don't even know his name! so i decided to call him Juan-ito. at least until i find out what his real name is.

people watching again. it's an addiction.

so wherever i find myself in life, i have always enjoyed one thing. people watching. whether it be the happy children playing in the leaves or the two teenagers obviously in love but who never seem to look at the right moment.

today i had a golden one. i took their order, a young couple with two little boys under the age of four and one baby in a car seat. they didn't order much, in fact they ordered one of our cheapest things. but they were nice. when their pizza was done at last, i brought their dipping sauces out with the help of one of the other girls bringing out their order.

they were so wonderfully happy. the wife was talking animatedly with her husband and it struck me in one phrase. they were best friends. they looked so simply and wonderfully happy. and maybe nothing was going right for them financially, or maybe they just weren't very hungry. but their happiness of contagious.

i even told one of the other girls i work with to take a peek and she agreed. they were definitely in love and even more so, best friends.

and i'm not entirely sure why that made me so happy, but it did. i want to be married someday like that, to my best friend. and i'm sure, we will only grow in love together. and i am so excited.

the end. so there's my people-watching story of the day for you.

dark side of the moon.

“We’re all moons. Sometimes our dark sides overshadow our light.” 

–Richard Paul Evans

i read this in the book that i am reading right now. it surprised me. i wasn't sure how to take it at first. it made me think about what my dark side might be and what it might be in those around me whom i love. it's a thought that brought a slight shudder. if you can imagine how the tallest people fall the farthest...are our dark sides so incredibly horrible that even we don't quite see it?

and what about those people we perceive to be angels? the light is still there. darkness isn't stronger than light, it's only the absence of it. it cannot overcome anything. but if we don't shed light upon it, if we don't recognize it. could we become overshadowed permanently?

a surprise with a ride

that's my best friend for you.

yup, he would. he would come riding up on his motorcycle after making me think he'd already left. he came, just to say goodbye to me...like he said he would. like i thought he wouldn't be able to.

the silly...silly boy.

and that?

that is why i love him.

well, (: not just that.

In Memory

today my family went to the cemeteries in provo and orem to go visit my grandma. my best friend and i had gone on saturday to pick out the flowers. the day before was rainy and cold. but today? it was perfect, a day like those that my grandma loved.

we cleared the overgrowing grass from around the gravestones and told brief memories that we shared and loved. we walked about and commented on the designs of other graves. one had both a husband and a wife...and they were both still alive! another had a tree on it, that was very beautiful.

it is so peaceful in the cemetery. last tuesday {the 22nd}, seth and i went to the salem cemetery. it was so quiet and dark and peaceful. i hope we didn't disturb anyone there with our talking and occasional laughter. we found a card that had lost its grave. it was simple, but so sweet.

something about graves, the people gone and the people here now and the people someday to come...it's an incredible all-encompassing circle.

one funny moment from today. we were talking about parking the car and that word was stuck in my head, so when i asked where my great-grandparents were i asked "where are they parked?" instead of "where are they burried?" everyone seemed to find it quite humorous.

it made me sad though...i believe i missed my friend's goodbye. he's left today you see. he will be working this summer to pay for his mission up and away north of here. really far north. i miss him already, knowing that he isn't as close as he usually is. but my thoughts are reaching out to him, and i know that sometimes...we'll be thinking about one another at the same time. he is doing the right thing, and that makes everything so much better.

and maybe, someday...

things will turn out the way we hope.

i stood beside my grandpa's memory cross in the orem cemetery as well. i am so grateful for those who have served our country, including him.

without them, i wouldn't have the freedoms that i do have today. and watching the flag go up on the day of my high school graduation...it's incredible. it's beautiful. and i am eternally grateful to those men and women who have sacrificed their lives for it. i hope that i can honor them by being worthy of keeping it.

so happy memorial day. and may God bless you.

a story in pictures: graduation

stories in books are often boring without pictures. and since there's nothing much to tell about this story other than...it happened! i will show you my collages of it and hope you enjoy.

so...ONCE UPON A TIME...

THE END

or is it?

waiting.

four years and five months. i can wait. i know i can. he's my best friend.

i can see it being really hard. and at those hard times looking at his picture...wherever i may have it with me {not sure how i'm going to do that one but i'll work it out}and thinking of all the love that we share. thinking of how he is truly the best friend i have ever had here on earth. the only person i trust more than him? is the Lord.

someday, i want to wear a white dress and come walking out of those doors. i want to have my bride's maids wearing whatever they can find that's blue and yellow. i want lots of white and peach colored roses and a simple and easy wedding reception.

i want to have small children, clean their sticky hands and teach them all that i know to be true. i want to teach them to discover and to create and to become. i want to be that mother who is kind and gentle and loving.

someday i want to grow old and die. i want to die not a moment before him and as soon as possible after him, so that we are never far apart.

maybe this is...difficult to imagine me saying this. i know i have been changing and fickle before. i know i have said i have fallen in love before. but never has anyone brought out the good in me more than him. never has anyone been worthy to make me feel so happy as i do.

and so? i'm waiting. although without a promise...i am waiting.

and while i am waiting, i'll be living and learning and growing. and loving. always loving him.

always.

life is still beautiful

i know my last post was rather dramatic and depressing. but i promise you, that was one post and as of recently, my life has been filled with warm sunny spring days and happiness.

as of recent:

- i started the tedious process of finally getting my license (shocker!)

- there is no longer an odd scent about my room because it is pristine clean

- beautiful curtains were hung in my bedroom (pictures soon anyone?)

- speaking of pictures, my brothers gave me a camera for my birthday. seriously?

- i've started a collection of dizzy squares. i'm almost done though. cough.

- i have held bunny rabits. baby ones. so cute and fluffy! precious.

- played soccer on the most beautiful green grass

- thew grass at my friend and in their holey shirt. silly silly.

- finished the first quarter of my online health class (yay!)

- begun writing in my journal yet again. why did i ever stop? i've missed it.

- listened to wonderful music

- played the guitar

- oh and very, very wonderful... i have slept in!

just a taste of my life recently.

PS. did I mention i'm in love? maybe that's hard to believe because i've always been in love, with life, with people. but believe it or not...i am in love with him. i hope that you will meet him someday. maybe. maybe not. that's okay.

he's my best friend. and the whole world can know it - i love him.

geese.

geese smell bad yah?

and things that smell bad...should be removed...yes?

okay.

so my small group of friends...well...some of the girls are kind of acting like geese. they're gossiping.

i know. i was shocked too.

but you know what?

i'm going to get up the courage to ask them to stop.

and by writing it? i am holding myself accountable.

please tell me that you too get very, very annoyed when you hear three different people, three separate times, all saying the same petty silly thing about one girl.

{by the way - that girl? she's probably one of the most innocent and sweet girls i've ever met.}

just know.

gossip? you may not know you are doing it. but it hurts

it's even killed some people.

don't do it.

because me? ima gonna come after you.

fireflies by amanda falk

this song is beautiful. a song i think of whenever i think of goodbyes i have said, will say and hope never to say.

because i'm proud of him.

you know that boy that i'm always talking about? yah that one.

yes. the one that stole my heart.

it's okay. i said he could.

anyway.

well he's an incredible swimmer. in fact, he's going to state.

i went to our region's swim meet on the 20th and 21st.

he placed first with a time of 22.74 sec on the 50 free (pic 1)

placing second in the 100 free (but i forgot the time...he was like...miliseconds after the first guy though. video (: mute it. my voice is uhm...loud. he's in lane 4 (the one that's ahead the whole time till the last...moment.)

and then the relay. 49.97 100 free relay split.

yes i know. he's incredible.

what i love most about swim as a sport - especially at SHHS - is that the focus is beating your own record, not that of those you are competing against. i like it that way. a lot.

oh and please...no one comment on the lack of shirts. yes, i'm well aware of this fact. it is a swim meet after all

it was an exciting new experience. i love learning new things about different sports and going places i honestly never would have expected to go. after all i don't even know how to swim myself. but that's okay. someone incredible is going to teach me how...when we have time.

honestly. i've never been happier. in my entire life. or more content.

life is just good.

thanks for reading my brag on my best friend. he deserves a major fist pump.

and if you want, come watch the state competition feb 3rd and 4th at BYU

i for one am definitely going to be there. at least for three certain events.

see you there!

arms

arms...

that are strong

and sweet as sunshine.

gentle as a breeze

fortifying like a tree

with deep roots.

more careful

as if i were a child.

loving when i could

never understand.

the ambition of

a thousand souls

and patient...

for a heart that's been sewn

mis-matched together

again.

maybe...

it's not the arms

but the person

to whom they belong

and maybe...

because i love him too

he could hold me there

forever.

if i were the kind of girl to write sappy letters

this would be one of them.

but i generally don't see myself as that kind of person

so this isn't.

but if it were, i'd tell him how much i love him

and how i've never loved anyone quite like this before

i'd tell him how i've always been afraid

but when he holds me in his arms, i've never had so much faith

there'd be a few jokes in there about french kisses and awkward photos

maybe a line or two about happiness as well

i might talk about dreams and lists and wishes

or maybe a small rant on how birthday candles never brought me

what i really wanted - "till there was you."

there'd probably be some entries from my journal

about how much i missed the person i'd never even met

i'd laugh as i reminisced about our walk in the snow

and how i'm pretty sure he fell on purpose

hopefully he'd end up reading the part over and over again

where i tell him i've fallen in love with him

because it's true

and if i were more sappy i'd seal it with my love

and add {always} after that one word.

because i would. and it will be.

and that my friend... is the unromantic love letter.

snowy

woke up early on accident and saw the snow

i felt a big gulp of excitement and made a phone call

as soon as was acceptable

we hiked up the canyon by our neighborhood

no whitewashing occurred

but many happy thoughts and lovely moments

we made plants and branches lose their snowy coats

and observed deer-tracks

and talked about love and hope and faith

we slipped and slid up hill at first

and then downhill

we sang "my favorite things"

we threw snow at each other and laughed

i think this snow is wonderful.

i'm in love.

blissfully awkward evenings

let's discuss the first part of the day first. january sixth.

well...i was exhausted but a miracle occurred. my extra credit assignment that i thought was due by the end of the day? not due for another week. good thing i didn't stay up till two am doing that one. but because i found out a little late? i got to spend some time studying with a friend in the library. psh, singers v. library...hands down i know i made the right choice.

so after school i got ready for a friend's reception...and when i use the word friend, know that it is quite the loose term. i had never met the bride or groom in any form...other than the internet. no i am not a stalker. yes, i do have stalker-like tendencies; following meg's blog for example. but who cares, i got the invite and if people aren't serious about inviting you to their wedding, then they wouldn't send invites. who cares. i got a hug. it was sweet.

my mom and i walked in and it was beautiful. it looked at first like there might be the hint of a possible dance floor later? but we didn't stay long enough to find out sadly. there was beautiful colors all over and the bride looked absolutely, classically beautiful. i think it's the new thing: short dresses. personally...i see myself wearing an empire-waisted gown with a lace overly but that's just me.

i recognized at least three or so people there. some more or less pleasant, others cordially avoided. funny how small of a world it can be sometimes. funny how uncomfortable that makes me feel sometimes. i felt slightly out of place, so many cutely fashioned young misses but that's okay. i got a hug from my favorite blogger and she appeared to recognize my name {?} or maybe i'm just...pulling my own leg. ha.

we snacked from the chocolate fountain briefly and then smartly disappeared. adventure quest accomplished. too bad brittani and chloe weren't there. they would have made it even more "blissfully awkward". more of the blissful part.

on the drive home i slowly got more and more excited as we got closer home. i was excited to hang out with my friends after the reception is all.

okay maybe that's not all, my best friend was going to be there. no big deal.

so my friend {sweet as he is} picked me up {why are my friends so wonderful? i didn't even have to ask for a ride. really? call me blessed because i am.} and we watched this movie called Oscar. it was an older one and it was Absolutely Hilarious. too bad most of our friends had to leave early but that's okay, one other joined our troops late. better late then never right?

{probably shouldn't have mentioned the french kiss inside joke, a mistake i truly am sorry for. i dislike being a thorn in someone's side. and i know...this will only make sense to one person, but that is fine. that's all it is for.}

it ended on a good note though. i'll just leave it there...except for the one fact...i'm slowly realizing what this song was saying. slowly...because maybe i'm a bit more cautious in love sometimes than i let on.

but every time he walks in a room and i turn and see him, i cannot help but smile. he makes me so blissfully happy. he never pulls me down in any way. he lets me help him too when he's had a rough day. and i love him. always will.

so it was a wonderful night.

and i'm in love with those hugs.

and him.

just sayin'.

{post script} i don't know if they could hear me but while two of my friends were talking outside i was messing around on my other friend's piano. but i couldn't play my most recent song...it was strange.

january sixth

it's coming up.

january sixth.

even my gmail account happenstanced to remind me.

i kind of wish my 15-yr-old self hadn't done that.

i thought i'd be a completely different person.

oh wait. i am.

that's kind of funny actually.

because i feel really different.

but i still hate lettuce.

missionarios!

saturday: my phone rang {well...not mine, i was at the nutcracker so i had my mom's cell phone on me} i had to ignore it because i was busy watching my friend and his sister perform. but i called afterward and guess what? they got their calls.

madison has been called to the Malaga, Spain mission. he will be leaving march 28th.

cameron will be leaving the same day and serving in Barcelona, Spain.

it's incredible...

i love these missionary things.

my brother comes home in exactly a week from tomorrow. i'm counting down the day and seriously...i have never been more excited for anything in my entire life. even ask my best friend...i went crazy even over the phone talking about it with him. it's awesome.

i'm kind of scared that jordon won't really...remember me? but then, not because i was closer to him than any of the others before he left. i'm just...nervous. i can hardly wait to squeeze and give him hugs again. i remember missing his hugs so much after he left. now i get to hug him again!

in his letters too he has changed. his testimony is so strong now. it's probably one of the best parts of my week reading his emails home...he has grown into a strong young man of the gospel. i'm excited to write occasional letters to my other friends soon to go on missions too, i hope to see that same change in them as i have seen in my own brother. that would be wonderful.

i also have an acquaintance/friend who will be leaving for his mission tomorrow. it's just an interesting situation...let's just say i'm happy he is going and excited for him to learn some things about life. in an awkward sense...{and i'm not making fun of him in any way, and not using a name for a reason.} {and he may have said it jokingly, but ...still..} he kind of asked me to wait for him, or at least to not get married while he is away. it was...a strange texting conversation and i happened to end it soon following because really? what do i say to that? no i'm not going to wait for you? no i wouldn't not get married because of you? hm. just an awkward situation all around. he's a good boy, and has lots of potential. i'm excited to see what the Lord does with him.

also my dear friend kait leaves the day before my brother Jordon comes home. i have never actually met her...but i would love to go to her farewell. i read her blog...often. hers is my favorite. even more so than meg now. i don't know but in the words of Anne of Green Gables - i kind of feel like she is a kindred spirit. such a love for life and happiness in loving the people all around her...she's incredible. i'm excited for her to serve too...it gives me hope about my desire to serve a mission someday. and although it would be putting certain parts of my life on hold for another five years...instead of three...i truly believe it is worth it.

somehow it has to be worth it.

so good luck kait, and may providence be with you. good luck my friend who leaves tomorrow, congratulations and happiness for madison and cameron and welcome home soon to my very dear brother, jordon.

{post script: all my lady friends who i have in past days tried to convince you that you might marry jordon so that we may be sisters...i do believe he has remained oblivious to that fact. do not, i repeat, do not spill the beans to him that i advertised him. he would be less appreciative. hahaha}

{post post script: the picture is of jordon. he's still short and scrawny from what i can tell from any missionary pictures} (:

In His Eyes

music expresses that which i cannot write right now...

"everything worth living for is there in his eyes..."

interesting

i read a friend's blog this morning...and when they used to post about things, actual events in their life, i would get jealous. because i wasn't there.

today...and recently...i haven't felt that way. i'm not jealous at all. and not gonna lie, it's such a relief. my life now isn't a replacement but to me...for me i guess would be better to say, it is better.

my friends now...i can't think of a single one of them who would ever let me down. and that means the world to me. i miss kaytlyn and kelsey a lot, but phone calls with kaytlyn are a good remedy {although i can't wait for christmas when she comes up to visit us!} and being able to see kelsey occasionally is awesome, like yesterday.

i feel so normal and outgoing these days. i think i found myself in elk ridge. i have never been more myself. ever. and i love it. i don't use people, i am not afraid to take the lead if needs be, and honestly i think it may have something to do with all strings being cut to my old life. i could have changed my whole life around, made a fake identity for myself here even...and no one would have known and the ironic and funny part of it all is that i did, but i threw away the fake me, and became the me that has always been there.

i once told nicole...that there were two kayllas. i don't think i understood even then... i'm so glad to be myself!

i'm so happy for my friend too up in highland, her life is exactly how it should be, full of friends and laughter and no more old kaylla pulling her down all the time. i wish i could have been better but we both made mistakes. i think...we've come to a good place. i'm excited to see their play of Pride & Prejudice...i hope she gets a lead role.

all the new experiences i'm having too...i mean, at AHS i never would have gone to a swim meet or so many plays. i never would have gone exploring around backstage and found my new hideaway place in the snoopy doghouse. i never would have eaten in the vestibule every single day and i'd never have met all the wonderful people i know now. treat day would be a mystery, KJ and her...interesting humor, late night sonic runs for ice cream sundays, movie and halloween parties, so many inside jokes........these people i feel genuinely love me. and the fact that they love the real me...i think they love more of me than anyone ever has. except for maybe a few people back from those past years. but only a spare few.

i'm glad i've changed.

and life is good.

and lovely.

and i'm in love with it.

PS - if you haven't, you should go to a swim meet. they're fun if you know people there and the relays are intense (: it's completely different than soccer though... but still awesome. and congratulations to my friend who cut of 18 seconds on their 500! aw yeeah! (: