happy birthday to him

a year ago i was feeling really lonely. and then, i was hugged for the first time in months by a new friend. and it changed my life.

that boy is now my best friend. we've had a lot of adventures together. we've laughed at the simple things and talked through the difficult ones. we've made to-do lists and crossed things off. he taught me to play guitar and i showed him what it meant to simply hang out. snowy walks and sunset hikes, children's books and classic movies...

i've never been happier than when i am with him.

and today is his birthday. and i really wish i could be there to see his face when he finds his birthday present. and i have never been happier and felt so good about a gift. and i know he will like it. and i know...that i love him.

there's that moment in life when you have to think about the hard things in the future, but since i have met him, the future has only been bright. there are so many things that will be so hard i know i might cry, but i know that it will be worth it.

i've learned so much from him. i know the future, like a baby rose, will only unfold into something even more perfect.

happy birthday seth.

homecoming

today i went to one of my brother's best friend's homecoming. their family and my family used to have gospel discussions on our back porch. his dad was my sunday-school teacher twice and his sister, was one of my best and only friends during those years living there.

and so we went back today, after nearly two years {for me at least}. and it was crazy how easy it was to talk to some people, and how ridiculously hard it was to talk to others {still}. when we moved i was so confused and angry, i think i blamed it on anything and everything and i forgot that it wasn't their fault. so i'm sorry.

it was strange being able to talk to one kid who i know {back in the day}, he liked me...and honestly, i really liked him too {even if he was a bit rude and teased me and flirted in a way i didn't understand}. but talking to him and my other friends today, being able to finally have let myself grow up, become happy...

it was wonderful.

i felt free and relaxed and confident {most of the time}. and i'm not really sure why i was ever nervous to visit them. maybe we all really have just grown up a bit. maybe people do change for the better. and maybe we make judgments and never bother to fix them, and end up living our lives in the darkness of bitterness. and i'm sorry.

and i'm so glad that he's back from his mission. and i'm glad i've finally learned to let go. and i'm really glad the people i was dreading to see weren't even there. and i'm glad to have made new friends in people is didn't like, and remembered friends in old ones.

it was a lovely experience.

lifeguard candybar story

here's an interesting story that i remembered recently.

when little girls in my religion are about 8-11 they have this church group that prepares them for a more intense and older version of the same thing. basically girls who live in the same area of the same religion get together to work on a religious packet...thing.

well my group once went and sat on the ground in front of the closest temple, mt. timpanogos. there our activity-day leader brought out a wide collection/variety of candy bars. she told each of us to choose one, our favorite one. i can't quite remember but if we wanna be honest, i probably grabbed a butterfinger...but for some strange reason i remember a red wrapper.

anyway. one by one she told each of the girls to lift that extra flap where the ingredients and stuff like that is listed. under each one was a description of a man. each one was unique, differing occupations, physiques, character and religious involvement. as each girl opened hers, the others would comment. they would coo jealously or lovingly snicker when one girl got the chubby but rich dude.

i was a little bit of an odd-ball. i was also really nervous to read mine. i guess you could say i was a little bit of a little miss contrary. i didn't know what i wanted either.

so when i opened mine and a strong, toned and tan, tall dark handsome life-guard guy with a strong testimony was described, i went red in the face. i didn't want him. anyone but him. all the girls wanted mine. and honestly i said they could have him, i just wanted the butterfinger. i quietly joked that since i didn't even know how to swim {still don't by the way...meh} that guy in real life would never even take a second look at me. they girl-comforted me and moved on the the next person.

although the idea of an actually attractive guy caring about me weirded me out at that time in my life...it doesn't now. back then i expected to marry some nerd who held his hands at his side awkwardly. but if figured, if i fell in love with him...he'd be perfect. now as i realize that my best friend is all of what that candy-bar predicted except the occupation isn't that, rather a sport he loves and is really good at.

it's just kind of crazy, y'know? the first man i've ever really gotten to know like this...

there's my interesting, odd, candy-bar love story. wow, you don't use those words in the same sentence very often.

In Memory

today my family went to the cemeteries in provo and orem to go visit my grandma. my best friend and i had gone on saturday to pick out the flowers. the day before was rainy and cold. but today? it was perfect, a day like those that my grandma loved.

we cleared the overgrowing grass from around the gravestones and told brief memories that we shared and loved. we walked about and commented on the designs of other graves. one had both a husband and a wife...and they were both still alive! another had a tree on it, that was very beautiful.

it is so peaceful in the cemetery. last tuesday {the 22nd}, seth and i went to the salem cemetery. it was so quiet and dark and peaceful. i hope we didn't disturb anyone there with our talking and occasional laughter. we found a card that had lost its grave. it was simple, but so sweet.

something about graves, the people gone and the people here now and the people someday to come...it's an incredible all-encompassing circle.

one funny moment from today. we were talking about parking the car and that word was stuck in my head, so when i asked where my great-grandparents were i asked "where are they parked?" instead of "where are they burried?" everyone seemed to find it quite humorous.

it made me sad though...i believe i missed my friend's goodbye. he's left today you see. he will be working this summer to pay for his mission up and away north of here. really far north. i miss him already, knowing that he isn't as close as he usually is. but my thoughts are reaching out to him, and i know that sometimes...we'll be thinking about one another at the same time. he is doing the right thing, and that makes everything so much better.

and maybe, someday...

things will turn out the way we hope.

i stood beside my grandpa's memory cross in the orem cemetery as well. i am so grateful for those who have served our country, including him.

without them, i wouldn't have the freedoms that i do have today. and watching the flag go up on the day of my high school graduation...it's incredible. it's beautiful. and i am eternally grateful to those men and women who have sacrificed their lives for it. i hope that i can honor them by being worthy of keeping it.

so happy memorial day. and may God bless you.

a story in pictures: graduation

stories in books are often boring without pictures. and since there's nothing much to tell about this story other than...it happened! i will show you my collages of it and hope you enjoy.

so...ONCE UPON A TIME...

THE END

or is it?

living nightmare.

march 31, 2012

seeing him on the trax, at first it was like a nightmare just barely realized. only it was completely in my reality. and there was no waking up.

maybe the worst part was that it was following the exact same session, the same time (leaving conference), and the same dreaded silence and awkwardness of "what do i do?" as last time. it was crazy, seeing him here was ultimately against the odds. it was impossible, and so my brain dared not even believe it.

and all i could do was quietly glance back at him. although i will admit, i initially glared at him. after all, how dare he show up at that time? and how? what were the chances, meeting him. there. at that time. with my present company.

you're telling me. and you're right, next to impossible.

he had to have followed us, stalked us, something. yet that was just as impossible. there was simply no way that this was chance or predetermined. so what?

as we left the trax for our stop, the older ladies in front of us were taking so much time that it was near impossible for my friend and i to get off at our right stop. i was terrified that we would be stuck on that car with him a moment longer. what would we do? what would we say? i knew that the friend i had with me knew who the man was who i kept glancing back at...and i knew that that man...did not know that my friend knew about him. i know they made eye contact, and my mind is dizzy trying to think about what both of their minds were saying to themselves.

i was scared. i was angry. i was a strange sort of giddy. i didn't know how to feel yet i knew i could feel something big inside of me, something strong like a large gust of wind...but as if it were being held back by a wall.

and then it was over. i looked up just as we were about to exit, caught eye contact, just as we had when we had first entered, without a smile and without emotion. i waved goodbye.

and it was over. i passed through my own nightmare and lived.

...so i guess happy birthday to me right?

growing up.

when i was little, i avoided all the cracks in the pavement. i didn't want to hurt my grandma. i would also avoid the rough stuff in between our kitchen tiles.

to this day i still do it. out of habit of course, but i do.

and sometimes i wonder, what will it feel like to be all grown up? to know so much, and to have experienced it all? true love. marriage. children. heartache. death of loved ones. and finally, my own death.

will it be full of events? or will it just...come.

yesterday i turned eighteen. some would say that that is an event. and then others say that when the same day happened to them, they didn't feel any different.

well. i don't feel much different. but i do. suddenly i have this large burden placed on my back. my mom and i have agreed that to be treated as an adult, i must act like one. i must be mature. i must take responsibility. and honestly? i'm excited.

and i'm scared.

for so long, i could say "hey mom! will you make me breakfast?" and i could expect her to say "of course" at her own expense even sometimes. i no longer need my parents permission for anything legally. i could do whatever my heart desired. {i should probably get a job...}

marriage and family is also much closer than it was last year. technically, i could be married and pregnant with my first child within the next two years {definitely not going to happen, but still}. i will be going to college the next semester that i can afford it {hopefully fall semester but if not definitely spring}. i will be moving out within the year as well. i will have to do my own laundry, dishes, bills, bathroom cleaning {no more bribing lilly into cleaning the tub...haha}, making sure my room is pristine.

so much responsibility.

the past made an unexpected reappearance in my life yesterday. i saw an old acquaintance, and it made me really think about how i would react to the people in my life now in two or three years time. will i scream their name and run and give them a hug? or will i awkwardly remain quiet, pretending that they are not there and only giving a brief wave as i part from their presence?

i hope to make better decisions than that.

yet i don't wish to go back into the past and correct anything. although i will live, learning from my own lessons and mistakes. i will love all those around me...but i will be more careful about those who i keep close in my life. i want to live my dream, my dream to help others understand who they are, what they can become, recognizing their potential.

i am eighteen. i'm an adult. i have blue eyes and curly brown hair. i know who i am. i make big mistakes sometimes, and i've had to fix them myself. i play the guitar and the piano. i often crave macaroni and cheese or raisin oatmeal cookies. i find myself in love often, with life and the people around me. i love sunny, hot summer days with slight breezes. i love the ocean and it's chilling needle cold waves which can toss you about.

i love my life. i love who i am.

here's to growing up.

hiking, pictures and best friends.

me and my best friend.

we went for a hike.

it's okay that we're both making...odd faces.

it's just life.

and it is wonderful.

happy day of birth

to the girl who

i learned how to shoot a gun with

taught me how to play "wherever you go" on the piano

and "where are you christmas"

who laughed with me late at night

and scribbled nonsense over a cardboard box at 1 AM

the one who taught me that dancing in the rain was worth the frizzy hair

and that sometimes, we just need to trust each other

the girl who taught me that there is always someone whose got it worse

and what tough love means

she also taught me that we all make mistakes

but we can always make it okay, if we truly mean it.

this girl used to be my best friend. we're still friends...although i haven't seen her in ages. we used to climb trees together and spend hours talking about everything and nothing. and yes, we've had our grand amount of disagreements. but we're okay. she's the girl who took me up onto her roof, and we watched the sunset together. she's the one who told me that i have music...in me, and before that...i'd never really realized that.

we shopped at DI together

and gave out Book of Mormons together

we rode horses and sweated in the heat together

we even cleaned each others rooms

we sang songs together

and became obsessed with spanish opera together

we took long walks in the ghetto of PG together

and ate each other out of house and home

we became addicted to healthy berry cereal together

and watched our favorite movies with each other

we worked at K-Camp together

and counted stars in the ceilings at school together

we read the Book of Mormon in two weeks together

basically...she was like my sister. she was the first girl i was ever allowed to have a sleepover with {although not quite under the circumstances i would have hoped - as most sleepovers don't begin with a visit to the ER and end with falling asleep at 8am...}.

what's beautiful about her is that she never gives up on people. and although sometimes she's wondered if she's the only person that does...she doesn't stop. she stays loyal. she's always been there to lift people up, and when she's made mistakes she has been able to correct them and become better, and stronger.

because she knows just who she is. a daughter of God. and that's incredible. and beautiful. and lovely.

and i wish her the very best birthday. and i hope life only gets better for her. i hope she only knows how much this imperfect heart of mine cares for her. i hope she knows how sorry i am for ever mistreating her. i hope she also knows how much i treasure the good times. i hope she knows that in the end..."all will be well."

i love you brittani bills with no middle name.

i love you very...very much.

have a good one,

love always.

kaylla

{PS - britt, sorry if the picture is old and doesn't look like the gorgeous girl i know...it was the best i had. love you!}

an adventure of peaches

peaches.

that dark corner of that red-carpeted basement.

the treasures of taste, hidden there.

a tickle of desire

and we were off, another adventure

turning on the light - reaching around the corner to find the light switch

walking underneath the ancient looking tapestry

past the sturdy furniture, scratchy

toes sneaking across the stiff red carpet

avoiding eye contact with the dolls in the glass case against the wall

entering into the cool darkness of the storage room,

where lie the large, stark, foreboding washer and dryer machines - noisy

crouching in the darkness through the maze of shelves, searching

aha. found.

dashing from the gut of that darkness and back into the light

grandma served us the peaches.

memory lane again.

i didn't want to wear that dress...because it feels wrong to wear something with so many memories where i know i will make many more.

better ones.

i saw her face in the hallway and couldn't believe my eyes. but it was her. today, saw her again...but didn't know quite what to do. she didn't recognize me. hopefully either courage or inspiration will hit me sooner than later

sooner?

i took a second look. i had to, that car couldn't be here. not now. not ever. i was scared. black car, spray-painted white...ish. i wanted to cry at first. it wasn't the same car though. i sighed.

with relief

it's okay though. even though memory lane is hard...i usually find a way off of it. eventually.

snowy

woke up early on accident and saw the snow

i felt a big gulp of excitement and made a phone call

as soon as was acceptable

we hiked up the canyon by our neighborhood

no whitewashing occurred

but many happy thoughts and lovely moments

we made plants and branches lose their snowy coats

and observed deer-tracks

and talked about love and hope and faith

we slipped and slid up hill at first

and then downhill

we sang "my favorite things"

we threw snow at each other and laughed

i think this snow is wonderful.

i'm in love.

blissfully awkward evenings

let's discuss the first part of the day first. january sixth.

well...i was exhausted but a miracle occurred. my extra credit assignment that i thought was due by the end of the day? not due for another week. good thing i didn't stay up till two am doing that one. but because i found out a little late? i got to spend some time studying with a friend in the library. psh, singers v. library...hands down i know i made the right choice.

so after school i got ready for a friend's reception...and when i use the word friend, know that it is quite the loose term. i had never met the bride or groom in any form...other than the internet. no i am not a stalker. yes, i do have stalker-like tendencies; following meg's blog for example. but who cares, i got the invite and if people aren't serious about inviting you to their wedding, then they wouldn't send invites. who cares. i got a hug. it was sweet.

my mom and i walked in and it was beautiful. it looked at first like there might be the hint of a possible dance floor later? but we didn't stay long enough to find out sadly. there was beautiful colors all over and the bride looked absolutely, classically beautiful. i think it's the new thing: short dresses. personally...i see myself wearing an empire-waisted gown with a lace overly but that's just me.

i recognized at least three or so people there. some more or less pleasant, others cordially avoided. funny how small of a world it can be sometimes. funny how uncomfortable that makes me feel sometimes. i felt slightly out of place, so many cutely fashioned young misses but that's okay. i got a hug from my favorite blogger and she appeared to recognize my name {?} or maybe i'm just...pulling my own leg. ha.

we snacked from the chocolate fountain briefly and then smartly disappeared. adventure quest accomplished. too bad brittani and chloe weren't there. they would have made it even more "blissfully awkward". more of the blissful part.

on the drive home i slowly got more and more excited as we got closer home. i was excited to hang out with my friends after the reception is all.

okay maybe that's not all, my best friend was going to be there. no big deal.

so my friend {sweet as he is} picked me up {why are my friends so wonderful? i didn't even have to ask for a ride. really? call me blessed because i am.} and we watched this movie called Oscar. it was an older one and it was Absolutely Hilarious. too bad most of our friends had to leave early but that's okay, one other joined our troops late. better late then never right?

{probably shouldn't have mentioned the french kiss inside joke, a mistake i truly am sorry for. i dislike being a thorn in someone's side. and i know...this will only make sense to one person, but that is fine. that's all it is for.}

it ended on a good note though. i'll just leave it there...except for the one fact...i'm slowly realizing what this song was saying. slowly...because maybe i'm a bit more cautious in love sometimes than i let on.

but every time he walks in a room and i turn and see him, i cannot help but smile. he makes me so blissfully happy. he never pulls me down in any way. he lets me help him too when he's had a rough day. and i love him. always will.

so it was a wonderful night.

and i'm in love with those hugs.

and him.

just sayin'.

{post script} i don't know if they could hear me but while two of my friends were talking outside i was messing around on my other friend's piano. but i couldn't play my most recent song...it was strange.

small and random desires

today i just...want to be

alone?

in a happy way. i promise.

i just feel like going alone to eat some 38cent icecream at stokes.

buying myself a balloon

climbing to the top of a hill and letting it go

and then watch it

till my neck hurts, like an old lady

i know. i was supposed to do that with someone else.

i'm sorry

tomorrow i'll feel the same again.

introvert v. extrovert: i'd rather be alone most days

until i'm with people, and then i never want to leave.

i know. i'm messed up.

what i need is a mudfight

but maybe a random dwarf will show up at my doorstep

with my favorite rubber toy as a child.

it was a bug.

i made it a bed, and it lived on my desk.

and his name was Buggy.

and we lived happily-ever-after

until i lost him.

and then i was sad.

i need to go take a shower.

if i had a license i would go for a drive and find somewhere random

to draw silly pictures.

and read a book in a bookstore that smells of coffee

but i don't...so i can't...so i won't.

have a beautiful day.

mine will be spent reading Lord of the Flies.

{a moment of sadness}

january sixth

it's coming up.

january sixth.

even my gmail account happenstanced to remind me.

i kind of wish my 15-yr-old self hadn't done that.

i thought i'd be a completely different person.

oh wait. i am.

that's kind of funny actually.

because i feel really different.

but i still hate lettuce.

christmas eve.

every year it comes around...it's a day for best friends.

can i tell you about this christmas eve?

would that be strange, seeing as it's already the 26th? i hope it's not strange for you because i'm still so happy. and although old memories assaulted me occasionally, some tender and some...painful; i have made new ones. and they are lovely.

the day began with aaron and megan opening our gifts to them and their gifts to us. because my family is strange and we celebrate everything early this year; thanksgiving and now christmas. it's all good. we're whites. {refrain from racist comments please.} haha

i was...stressed and uneasy to say the least. seth's christmas present was a unique one and i was worried that i would mess it all up.

because i wrote him a song.

maybe someday you will hear it but i find that unlikely. it's his and his alone and even though i will be recording it for him to keep...that's just it. it'll be for him to keep.

so i drove illegally to pick him up and played it for him at the stake center, on their beautiful grand with the yellowed keys. he didn't seem to mind the illegal part. if anything i truly think he was relieved at my driving. if my memory serves correctly, he had just been out driving with his younger brother. despite what you all may recall, i am actually a pretty decent driver.

i messed up. but i played it for him twice through, and...it was the right christmas present. fitting.

later that day he gave his present{s} to me. if it weren't a public blog i might say i'm in love. oopsy! haha. I now have my very own treasure box, pre-filled with treasures and hopefully...soon...one of them will permanently hang on my wall. a picture of Our North Star.

the rest of the day was beautiful. imagine having a baby in the home, to hold and comfort whenever you please. it made me want to be a mother...so badly.

but those years are a ways away. and i can contain my baby hunger. even if it must be five years away {which to me...seems...very far away right now. but maybe that's just it. the Lord is always thinking up new ways to help me be more patient.} i can make it.

and then a very timely phone call. and soon thereafter we had some delightful plans to go caroling with the mason family! oh i was so excited.

and for good reason.

it was a beautiful. singing, the harmonies, the christmas lights. being with seth, laughter. my attempts to escape being whitewashed {which i fear once the next snow falls may be inevitable...eeps!}, watching the small children run around excitedly to every door that they saw, the awkwardness of choosing the next song, difficult and accidental key changes, exciting icy driveways, seeing floating lanterns. seeing how the singing seemed to brighten the smiles of others. oh and i got to meet seth's older brother at last.

it's strange, i don't think i could ever explain the happiness i felt that night. it was one of the closest times i have felt to celestial happiness in my entire lifetime. something about even just being near seth...his family, singing, snow and loveliness...

how could life have ever been any better?

a goodnight hug and the night was concluded, sweetly.

i never forgot though, whose birthday it was. i hope that wherever he is, he finds happiness. but yes, i wish never to see him again. and although some would say that is...a betrayal. but it was different. one person can help a friend while only harming another. although i won't say which was done to me...maybe both, i feel that it would be best...if no contact were ever to be made.

i'm sorry if that hurts him. or her. but i refuse to be manipulated. i refuse to change for another.

and instead of playing his song that day, the one he taught her, but only i remembered...

i played a new one. one of hope. one of peace. one of purity and love.

a song of happiness.

picture that

cleaning my room i found my prom picture from last year. it's just weird, the first memory that came to my mind because of it wasn't even from prom night - but rather a memory from another night after a dance, where instead of smiling i spent it crying on the stairs and wiping away makeup.

it's okay. i didn't like those prom pictures anyway.

strange that such sadness was the only way i could feel real peace.

i'm plannin' on going to the next girl's choice dance {possibly}. i'm excited. definitely won't be as much emotional baggage. after all. it's high school.

let's live it up.

{post script: i just spent the last hour writing this post. i edited a lot out. i know. i'm pathetic.}

the honest-to-goodness-truth.

{post post script: halle, aaron and meg are sleeping over tonight. i'm in baby heaven. i only have to hold her when she's happy. it's the best. not to mention ultimate foosball tournaments with aaron where i......dont...dominate. hm.}