odd, awkward, scary instance.

tonight at institute, the boy sitting next to me passed me a note. {my first thought honestly? "what are we, in kindergarten?"} at least for those kinds of notes.

it said: "those slippers are DOPE"

i have never felt so awkward at institute before. and yes, i was in the mood to wear my slippers when i left the house, even though it is quite warm recently. was it worth it? probably not, although i was definitely in my comfort zone in them.

let's just say though, i don't really want to have awkward things like that happen to me again. obviously i booked it out of there. my sister didn't oppose thankfully.

my mom and sister though took it upon themselves to tease me once i got home. and my mom gave me a wonderful piece of news. "you're going to get a lot of that y'know. young, cute, testimony...and a lot of missionaries are looking for just that thing."

{not so wonderful piece of news actually.}

and i'm getting a new mental image of RMs in my mind's eye. they have telescope guns and long lists of girls names and have memorized all the ways to ask a girl out. quite a terrifying thought honestly.

the end.

the singles ward experience.

i was sick that morning, so i went to the singles ward later in the day with my sister so that i wouldn't miss sacrament. it was an odd decision for me to make but now i see that it was a necessary one.

honestly i can say that i was definitely a bit creeped out by all of the older men making eyes at the younger females. new meat. innocent hearts to break. not gonna lie, it must be really enticing for certain types of the male specimen. not a type i am looking forward to befriending in any way.

my sister and i exchanged short notes during the talks. mine mostly made comments on my extreme fear of the balding males and giggling females. i was definitely right about my deep-seated fear about singles wards. hazardous grounds were we on. tread carefully we must. avert thine eyes ye precious unbroken hearts.

save yourselves while you still can!

it was later in the meeting when a lone stranger {almost hairless} came in search of his scriptures on our row and afterward decided to seat himself next to me. terrified, i let him but was wary to have any contact. i removed my purse on the other side of me so i could slyly scoot closer to my sister and to safety.

he briefly mentioned something about the music and then afterward we talked a bit more. i felt so awkward. i was so out of place in this older people's zone. i wanted to put my little kid antics on and run away, shouting i hate dresses and silly people. of course i couldn't though and eventually he asked for my number and mentioned/asked if we could possibly go out some time. i was shocked.

does this normally happen on a girl's first time to the single's ward? were my thoughts.

and now almost a week later, after the date and after the whole experience is over...i am thankful. who would have expected that? i know why us young'ns are encouraged to date around, find what we do and do not like about people. i have discovered many things that i don't like, and recognized that multiple have those things which i do like.

but for the record: i like hair, i like being right - even {if not especially when i am wrong}, i like reasoning and sound minds, and i like peace and quiet - not always searching for songs on the radio {because i believe that silence...is beautiful too.}

and this statement is not a criticism....rather me just taking note.

oh and i don't really care for coldstone ice-creams. but then i already knew that one.

hold my hand.

sometimes...there are moments in our life that make everything just, collide. everything in the universe just comes together in that one brief moment

and you're happy.

so happy that it's just....joyous. you feel the love for that person just overcoming you. you want to hold them and never let go. they are your best friend and you theirs and your wants and desires no longer matter because honestly...they are all in hoping and serving and helping their hopes and dreams come true, and it's beautiful because they feel the same way too...

and all you did...?

was finally hold his hand.

a surprise with a ride

that's my best friend for you.

yup, he would. he would come riding up on his motorcycle after making me think he'd already left. he came, just to say goodbye to me...like he said he would. like i thought he wouldn't be able to.

the silly...silly boy.

and that?

that is why i love him.

well, (: not just that.

waiting.

four years and five months. i can wait. i know i can. he's my best friend.

i can see it being really hard. and at those hard times looking at his picture...wherever i may have it with me {not sure how i'm going to do that one but i'll work it out}and thinking of all the love that we share. thinking of how he is truly the best friend i have ever had here on earth. the only person i trust more than him? is the Lord.

someday, i want to wear a white dress and come walking out of those doors. i want to have my bride's maids wearing whatever they can find that's blue and yellow. i want lots of white and peach colored roses and a simple and easy wedding reception.

i want to have small children, clean their sticky hands and teach them all that i know to be true. i want to teach them to discover and to create and to become. i want to be that mother who is kind and gentle and loving.

someday i want to grow old and die. i want to die not a moment before him and as soon as possible after him, so that we are never far apart.

maybe this is...difficult to imagine me saying this. i know i have been changing and fickle before. i know i have said i have fallen in love before. but never has anyone brought out the good in me more than him. never has anyone been worthy to make me feel so happy as i do.

and so? i'm waiting. although without a promise...i am waiting.

and while i am waiting, i'll be living and learning and growing. and loving. always loving him.

always.

Para-para-paradise

admit it. you wish you were me. and you wish you had had a late night dance under the stars to this song.

or maybe a song of your choice, but it was with the same guy {no maybe not exactly the same guy, because that'd be weird} but he was your image of prince charming. like this boy is to me. my knight. my hero. my friend...best friend.

who knows where the wind will blow us but this i know.

we will always be just that. friends.

saturday night was wonderful. a masquerade dance? not going to lie, it was magical. and the fact that it was stag? even better.

it may have ended on a song that cut like a knife in my chest but he made it all better. he took me far away and we danced under the stars to a new song, we made new memories, we lived in our own moment.

it was paradise.

{should've known.}

it snowed again.

it snowed two days ago. and i forgot to tell you, we went and walked in the snow. it was lovely. i've never been happier in my entire life.

imagine what it would feel like to be in love with your best friend.

then imagine them loving you back, just as much.

and then add snow.

and then add the sweetest gray sky, a long cold walk {which leaves your heart achingly warm}, the silence left by winter, a childhood soccer field and playground, and a secluded bench surrounded by scrub oak

and last but most definitely not least, add a hug from someone dear and special.

please, let this always be mine.

friendly notice

so a friend from my old, old ward (two houses ago in other words...) has this beautiful, inspiring, delightful blog that i occasionally enjoy reading. she has just...a very clear way of writing and it's bright and happy and, well yes. she's one of my heroes. not to mention...she's a truly classy young woman. read her blog. she's lovely. specifically this post, because it reminds me how blessed i am with having so many friends who are exactly as she describes is lacking but desirable. you will understand - just read.

enjoy.

arms

arms...

that are strong

and sweet as sunshine.

gentle as a breeze

fortifying like a tree

with deep roots.

more careful

as if i were a child.

loving when i could

never understand.

the ambition of

a thousand souls

and patient...

for a heart that's been sewn

mis-matched together

again.

maybe...

it's not the arms

but the person

to whom they belong

and maybe...

because i love him too

he could hold me there

forever.

blissfully awkward evenings

let's discuss the first part of the day first. january sixth.

well...i was exhausted but a miracle occurred. my extra credit assignment that i thought was due by the end of the day? not due for another week. good thing i didn't stay up till two am doing that one. but because i found out a little late? i got to spend some time studying with a friend in the library. psh, singers v. library...hands down i know i made the right choice.

so after school i got ready for a friend's reception...and when i use the word friend, know that it is quite the loose term. i had never met the bride or groom in any form...other than the internet. no i am not a stalker. yes, i do have stalker-like tendencies; following meg's blog for example. but who cares, i got the invite and if people aren't serious about inviting you to their wedding, then they wouldn't send invites. who cares. i got a hug. it was sweet.

my mom and i walked in and it was beautiful. it looked at first like there might be the hint of a possible dance floor later? but we didn't stay long enough to find out sadly. there was beautiful colors all over and the bride looked absolutely, classically beautiful. i think it's the new thing: short dresses. personally...i see myself wearing an empire-waisted gown with a lace overly but that's just me.

i recognized at least three or so people there. some more or less pleasant, others cordially avoided. funny how small of a world it can be sometimes. funny how uncomfortable that makes me feel sometimes. i felt slightly out of place, so many cutely fashioned young misses but that's okay. i got a hug from my favorite blogger and she appeared to recognize my name {?} or maybe i'm just...pulling my own leg. ha.

we snacked from the chocolate fountain briefly and then smartly disappeared. adventure quest accomplished. too bad brittani and chloe weren't there. they would have made it even more "blissfully awkward". more of the blissful part.

on the drive home i slowly got more and more excited as we got closer home. i was excited to hang out with my friends after the reception is all.

okay maybe that's not all, my best friend was going to be there. no big deal.

so my friend {sweet as he is} picked me up {why are my friends so wonderful? i didn't even have to ask for a ride. really? call me blessed because i am.} and we watched this movie called Oscar. it was an older one and it was Absolutely Hilarious. too bad most of our friends had to leave early but that's okay, one other joined our troops late. better late then never right?

{probably shouldn't have mentioned the french kiss inside joke, a mistake i truly am sorry for. i dislike being a thorn in someone's side. and i know...this will only make sense to one person, but that is fine. that's all it is for.}

it ended on a good note though. i'll just leave it there...except for the one fact...i'm slowly realizing what this song was saying. slowly...because maybe i'm a bit more cautious in love sometimes than i let on.

but every time he walks in a room and i turn and see him, i cannot help but smile. he makes me so blissfully happy. he never pulls me down in any way. he lets me help him too when he's had a rough day. and i love him. always will.

so it was a wonderful night.

and i'm in love with those hugs.

and him.

just sayin'.

{post script} i don't know if they could hear me but while two of my friends were talking outside i was messing around on my other friend's piano. but i couldn't play my most recent song...it was strange.

missionarios!

saturday: my phone rang {well...not mine, i was at the nutcracker so i had my mom's cell phone on me} i had to ignore it because i was busy watching my friend and his sister perform. but i called afterward and guess what? they got their calls.

madison has been called to the Malaga, Spain mission. he will be leaving march 28th.

cameron will be leaving the same day and serving in Barcelona, Spain.

it's incredible...

i love these missionary things.

my brother comes home in exactly a week from tomorrow. i'm counting down the day and seriously...i have never been more excited for anything in my entire life. even ask my best friend...i went crazy even over the phone talking about it with him. it's awesome.

i'm kind of scared that jordon won't really...remember me? but then, not because i was closer to him than any of the others before he left. i'm just...nervous. i can hardly wait to squeeze and give him hugs again. i remember missing his hugs so much after he left. now i get to hug him again!

in his letters too he has changed. his testimony is so strong now. it's probably one of the best parts of my week reading his emails home...he has grown into a strong young man of the gospel. i'm excited to write occasional letters to my other friends soon to go on missions too, i hope to see that same change in them as i have seen in my own brother. that would be wonderful.

i also have an acquaintance/friend who will be leaving for his mission tomorrow. it's just an interesting situation...let's just say i'm happy he is going and excited for him to learn some things about life. in an awkward sense...{and i'm not making fun of him in any way, and not using a name for a reason.} {and he may have said it jokingly, but ...still..} he kind of asked me to wait for him, or at least to not get married while he is away. it was...a strange texting conversation and i happened to end it soon following because really? what do i say to that? no i'm not going to wait for you? no i wouldn't not get married because of you? hm. just an awkward situation all around. he's a good boy, and has lots of potential. i'm excited to see what the Lord does with him.

also my dear friend kait leaves the day before my brother Jordon comes home. i have never actually met her...but i would love to go to her farewell. i read her blog...often. hers is my favorite. even more so than meg now. i don't know but in the words of Anne of Green Gables - i kind of feel like she is a kindred spirit. such a love for life and happiness in loving the people all around her...she's incredible. i'm excited for her to serve too...it gives me hope about my desire to serve a mission someday. and although it would be putting certain parts of my life on hold for another five years...instead of three...i truly believe it is worth it.

somehow it has to be worth it.

so good luck kait, and may providence be with you. good luck my friend who leaves tomorrow, congratulations and happiness for madison and cameron and welcome home soon to my very dear brother, jordon.

{post script: all my lady friends who i have in past days tried to convince you that you might marry jordon so that we may be sisters...i do believe he has remained oblivious to that fact. do not, i repeat, do not spill the beans to him that i advertised him. he would be less appreciative. hahaha}

{post post script: the picture is of jordon. he's still short and scrawny from what i can tell from any missionary pictures} (:

tutus and a guy in tights...?

{as promised: a post about the Nutcracker}

so i have never seen the Nutcracker up until this point in my life which is strange because i have known quite a few girls who dance ballet and who have been in it, even starred in it i believe. but last saturday was the first time i saw it.

it was beautiful.

i love to see the flowly snow fairy skirts. that part was probably my favorite part in all. not to mention my best friend's little sister did an incredible job. i really am so admiring of her, so beautiful. she has the perfect dancer figure, tall and slender with beautiful arms. it was...yes, beautiful.

like i mentioned, it was my best friend's little sister's performance however he himself was in it too which was neat to see. no, he's not a ballerino {haha} but they needed some extra boys for the party scene in the beginning {apparently less boys dance ballet than girls and they were short on men, go figure} and that was cool. he was fun to watch, especially since he was a papa and had little girls and near the end when they are all tired and leaving the party he picks one of them up. it was so precious. i loved it.

then after intermission when my friend was all done with their part they came and sat by me, and since i was sitting with his little siblings, it all worked out rather nicely.

it was just a feeling of...right.

i loved it. watching the rest of the ballet was really nice too. it was funny to see the little ones fidgeting because it really is a long program and there is no talking...haha, but they're cute. i gotta admit myself...it was long and even my foot was a bit twitchy.

it was a nice adventure, i'm finding it easier and easier and more natural to do things like this, go to friends plays and programs. i love being friends with so many gifted and involved people - it gives me so many things to do. i never would have been to so many plays and musicals and programs within the past four months if not for my wonderful friends.

so thankful (:

but also...not gonna lie...seeing a guy dancing around the stage in tights was not my favorite part. far from it in fact. something just...awkward about that. good thing basically all the other guys were in normal pants or russian pants etc. {hahaha}

"yes...absolutely...agreed...affirmative...si!"

you know that moment when everyone thinks you're being random when really you just aren't explaining your thought process to them and everything you are saying really is related? they just don't understand? yah. that moment.

love it.

{post script: never been happier.}

just some thoughts...

if you found someone who you know you could walk through eternity with, and never look back what would you do?

if you had one wish...what would it be?

if you knew that now was not the time, that you are too young...but everything is perfect, could you wait for when things would be right?

would you wait?

just some thoughts....

{post script: three posts to come, the nutcracker, missionaries and the first presidency christmas devotional: my favorite}

beautiful moments {part two}

someday we'll have little ones of our own. until then, i admire the beauty of this girl and her niece. the beauty of children, the purity that they represent, that they are.

hoping that you will read this someday ...and know that i was thinking of you. thinking of the future. thinking of how i wish my children would have your brown eyes and my curly hair, your laugh and my smile...and hopefully both of our musical abilities combined. i know that someday... they're beautiful.

can you imagine it? i can...a warm home, i will keep it clean and nice smelling for you. you will be a true father, kind and gentle...and faithful. always faithful. we'll teach them to read and write, sing and dance. we'll teach them right from wrong and about the constitution and the rights that God has given us. i'll do my best always to be a good cook...

please forgive me when i burn dinner?

i picture us when we first start out, eyes wide open to this world full of opportunities, later when life has been set rolling and we are both very tired, and someday...when we are old and gray, and you still tell me that i am beautiful...and you will always be the most handsome man in my life.

it's my beautiful moment right now...

i can see it so clearly. can you?

the phone call

first real conversation on the phone with a boy. check. good thing we are such good friends or i wouldn't be very happy with myself. i'm pretty skillful...at making awkward moments. usually i just bask in it. now i think i should practice at not being so awkward.

but tomorrow is a new day. start anew...start fresh and clean. i can make it all right again tomorrow.

goodnight.

I'm Thankful...

"I know that one thing I am thankful for, is sitting right in front of me."

yah...we'll pretend like that's from some famous chick flick or something. i'm cool with that.

anyway...

have you ever noticed that people are always saying "thank you" for the big things...but the little things simply pass them by? in church last sunday we were playing scattergories with things we are thankful for and rarely did i have the same ones as the other girls {given, i wrote things like fuzzy sweaters, the ability to breath air and longhand letters...} but still. where's the gratitude for the small lovely things of life?

so here goes. my tribute to the big and the little.

~i'm thankful~

for key changes in the music

beautiful, calm brown eyes

holding a sleeping baby

the smile of a friend

beautiful moments

happiness

natural sunlight

daydreams

black and white photographs

red gloves and vibrant peacoats

denim jeans with holes in the knees

my mom.

living in elk ridge

green grass in spring and summer

fall leaves and white snow

christmas music

childhood memories

sunrise and sunsets...

long walks in the evenings

christmas lights everywhere

human touch {like holding hands and hugs}

peach colored roses

home chopped wood and stoked fires

also...

that boy who seems to have taken my world by storm

after all that's what the best kinds of friends tend to do right?

~HAPPY THANKSGIVING~

In His Eyes

music expresses that which i cannot write right now...

"everything worth living for is there in his eyes..."

If You're Not The One

this song is a favorite of mine, and has been for many years. i love how the focus is on having a future with each other...not just the swing of emotions and passions.



sometimes I daydream about memories to come...happiness...

hope you like the song as much as I do.

xoxo

i got a hug yesterday...from someone special, a really good friend

it was such a good hug, i haven't been able to stop thinking about it...

we were both excited {their play performance was wonderful}

his hug lifted me off my feet a little bit.

hugs like that make me want to sing and dance.

oh wait...i did.

{smile}

for some reason hugs to me sound better in my head.

when daydreaming...i rarely imagine kisses...

hugs...are just more...beautiful.

they are like two hearts coming together in body and spirit.

it's another Lovely Thing in life.