can we be friends?

i should ask that to a complete stranger. see what they say.

but that would be really, really scary. but right now? i feel like i could do it.

guess i'm in an impossible mood. and considering my mood change...well...hm.

either i'm in love or my hormones are off balance. or both. probably both (:

and the fact that i'm listening to one direction? definitely says i'm in a good mood. i hate them.


oh and my mom, sister and i re-arranged our front room yesterday. it's really open now.

perfect for awkward visitors.

we removed the TV, deciding we didn't want that as the center of our focus anymore.

i didn't realize how addicted i was to it until today when i'm bored it's the natural thing for me to lean toward.

disgusting i know. stop it. i berate myself enough.

and my mom got a piano bench for my piano (: it matches. it's beautiful

oh and did i mention that my best friend got a certain big white envelope yesterday?

to bad he's not in town to open it. ;P haha, sucker.

any guesses?


my mom and i were discussing money today, and more specifically...college.

i'm so excited! if i'm frugal....i can do this.

it's gonna be hard, and i know i'm late but better late than never right?


my life might not be as stuck in the rut as i felt like it was.

maybe i'll be able to travel the world and learn their languages and cultures.

maybe i'll be able to get my own nice camera like Jordon and Lilly.

maybe i'll be able to do all that i ever wanted.

i just need to work hard, pray, love and trust.

with that...what can possibly stand in my way?


and maybe.... i'll have the courage to ask a stranger to be my friend.

hold my hand.

sometimes...there are moments in our life that make everything just, collide. everything in the universe just comes together in that one brief moment

and you're happy.

so happy that it's just....joyous. you feel the love for that person just overcoming you. you want to hold them and never let go. they are your best friend and you theirs and your wants and desires no longer matter because honestly...they are all in hoping and serving and helping their hopes and dreams come true, and it's beautiful because they feel the same way too...

and all you did...?

was finally hold his hand.

a surprise with a ride

that's my best friend for you.

yup, he would. he would come riding up on his motorcycle after making me think he'd already left. he came, just to say goodbye to me...like he said he would. like i thought he wouldn't be able to.

the silly...silly boy.

and that?

that is why i love him.

well, (: not just that.

a story in pictures: graduation

stories in books are often boring without pictures. and since there's nothing much to tell about this story other than...it happened! i will show you my collages of it and hope you enjoy.

so...ONCE UPON A TIME...

THE END

or is it?

life is still beautiful

i know my last post was rather dramatic and depressing. but i promise you, that was one post and as of recently, my life has been filled with warm sunny spring days and happiness.

as of recent:

- i started the tedious process of finally getting my license (shocker!)

- there is no longer an odd scent about my room because it is pristine clean

- beautiful curtains were hung in my bedroom (pictures soon anyone?)

- speaking of pictures, my brothers gave me a camera for my birthday. seriously?

- i've started a collection of dizzy squares. i'm almost done though. cough.

- i have held bunny rabits. baby ones. so cute and fluffy! precious.

- played soccer on the most beautiful green grass

- thew grass at my friend and in their holey shirt. silly silly.

- finished the first quarter of my online health class (yay!)

- begun writing in my journal yet again. why did i ever stop? i've missed it.

- listened to wonderful music

- played the guitar

- oh and very, very wonderful... i have slept in!

just a taste of my life recently.

PS. did I mention i'm in love? maybe that's hard to believe because i've always been in love, with life, with people. but believe it or not...i am in love with him. i hope that you will meet him someday. maybe. maybe not. that's okay.

he's my best friend. and the whole world can know it - i love him.

snowy

woke up early on accident and saw the snow

i felt a big gulp of excitement and made a phone call

as soon as was acceptable

we hiked up the canyon by our neighborhood

no whitewashing occurred

but many happy thoughts and lovely moments

we made plants and branches lose their snowy coats

and observed deer-tracks

and talked about love and hope and faith

we slipped and slid up hill at first

and then downhill

we sang "my favorite things"

we threw snow at each other and laughed

i think this snow is wonderful.

i'm in love.

gray skies.

the skies have been gray
two days straight

and i have been slightly downhearted.


but as he said today; life is still always so beautiful.
and i think i really believe him.

but i was happiest when i saw the blue above me at last.


for alicea:


i wouldn't do well in alaska.

I'm Thankful...

"I know that one thing I am thankful for, is sitting right in front of me."

yah...we'll pretend like that's from some famous chick flick or something. i'm cool with that.

anyway...

have you ever noticed that people are always saying "thank you" for the big things...but the little things simply pass them by? in church last sunday we were playing scattergories with things we are thankful for and rarely did i have the same ones as the other girls {given, i wrote things like fuzzy sweaters, the ability to breath air and longhand letters...} but still. where's the gratitude for the small lovely things of life?

so here goes. my tribute to the big and the little.

~i'm thankful~

for key changes in the music

beautiful, calm brown eyes

holding a sleeping baby

the smile of a friend

beautiful moments

happiness

natural sunlight

daydreams

black and white photographs

red gloves and vibrant peacoats

denim jeans with holes in the knees

my mom.

living in elk ridge

green grass in spring and summer

fall leaves and white snow

christmas music

childhood memories

sunrise and sunsets...

long walks in the evenings

christmas lights everywhere

human touch {like holding hands and hugs}

peach colored roses

home chopped wood and stoked fires

also...

that boy who seems to have taken my world by storm

after all that's what the best kinds of friends tend to do right?

~HAPPY THANKSGIVING~

interesting

i read a friend's blog this morning...and when they used to post about things, actual events in their life, i would get jealous. because i wasn't there.

today...and recently...i haven't felt that way. i'm not jealous at all. and not gonna lie, it's such a relief. my life now isn't a replacement but to me...for me i guess would be better to say, it is better.

my friends now...i can't think of a single one of them who would ever let me down. and that means the world to me. i miss kaytlyn and kelsey a lot, but phone calls with kaytlyn are a good remedy {although i can't wait for christmas when she comes up to visit us!} and being able to see kelsey occasionally is awesome, like yesterday.

i feel so normal and outgoing these days. i think i found myself in elk ridge. i have never been more myself. ever. and i love it. i don't use people, i am not afraid to take the lead if needs be, and honestly i think it may have something to do with all strings being cut to my old life. i could have changed my whole life around, made a fake identity for myself here even...and no one would have known and the ironic and funny part of it all is that i did, but i threw away the fake me, and became the me that has always been there.

i once told nicole...that there were two kayllas. i don't think i understood even then... i'm so glad to be myself!

i'm so happy for my friend too up in highland, her life is exactly how it should be, full of friends and laughter and no more old kaylla pulling her down all the time. i wish i could have been better but we both made mistakes. i think...we've come to a good place. i'm excited to see their play of Pride & Prejudice...i hope she gets a lead role.

all the new experiences i'm having too...i mean, at AHS i never would have gone to a swim meet or so many plays. i never would have gone exploring around backstage and found my new hideaway place in the snoopy doghouse. i never would have eaten in the vestibule every single day and i'd never have met all the wonderful people i know now. treat day would be a mystery, KJ and her...interesting humor, late night sonic runs for ice cream sundays, movie and halloween parties, so many inside jokes........these people i feel genuinely love me. and the fact that they love the real me...i think they love more of me than anyone ever has. except for maybe a few people back from those past years. but only a spare few.

i'm glad i've changed.

and life is good.

and lovely.

and i'm in love with it.

PS - if you haven't, you should go to a swim meet. they're fun if you know people there and the relays are intense (: it's completely different than soccer though... but still awesome. and congratulations to my friend who cut of 18 seconds on their 500! aw yeeah! (:

Happiness is...

anything that is loved by you.

my school did this play when i would have been a sophomore. it's neat because two of my really close friends played snoopy {seth and craig} {it was a double cast}. i was sitting inside the doghouse yesterday, that little place is so neat. i love it. everyone left little notes or their names inside of it, and a couple made mention to this song.

it got me thinking, sometimes life is so hard to just remember to be happy about.

some things that make me happy?

snuggling up close to my mom for warmth early in the morning or late at night

fooling around backstage with my friends

subway sandwiches

looking at beautiful black and white photos

talking to my friend seth

or having a water fight at a drinking fountain

a warm bed and clean room

real photobooth pictures

a blue coat with bright red gloves

christmas sweet breads

pumpkin pie!

holding a baby...

the hug of a close friend

dressing up in costumes for plays

oldies music {most music really...}

beautiful fall colors here in my new hometown

back and shoulder rubs from caring friends

being on stage

singing a beautiful song and being on key

surprising the alto section on how low i can go {low d flat...maybe lower}

my CTR ring

writing in my journal, and reading past entries

stick/post it notes

inspirational quotes, especially from friends

playing and improvising on the piano

2:15

watching science fiction shows with kelsey

long phone calls with kaytlyn, laughing and crying

singing random songs while walking the dog

making apple bread...smelling it...

brown spotted bananas

so many things mean happiness...

happiness, it's loving life. it's the little things in life. it's believing in The Lovely.

grateful.

today, my efforts at being a better friend this time around came full circle. on one of my worst days, i had friends...multiple friends who came to my aid, who gave me hugs, told me they loved me and even gave me back massages during a long rehearsal. Especial thanks to the boy who talked to me out in the hall between scenes and who gave the afore-mentioned back massage. a large...large thank you as well to the boy who can always get a smile on my face. he is truly and angel in my life. thank you to the two girls who gave me hugs and told me they loved me, and thank you to my newest friend who is so honest and wonderful and sweet and kind. and thank you to my other guy friend for teaching me to stand up for myself when certain questionable guys get up in my face and a little to close for personal comfort. I don't think I know what i would do without all of these amazing people in my life.

lame.

i just spent 13 and a half hours at school. early morning seminary, school, after school fiddler practice until six and then innovators concert dress rehearsal from seven till eight-thirty. i'm dead. guess what, i have like three things due tomorrow and 100 pages to read in a book i hate. and on top of all that, stress makes me emotional and crabby. then again on top of that i have to think about the halloween dance now...someone couldn't take their date and my friends were trying to convince me to take him (girl's choice dance) and although my conscience screams to just do it, i'm exhausted, extremely shy...and poor.

can anyone say stressed much? and since i have a vendetta against facebook life details i am pouring this out to you. whoever you are. pity me. for 1 minute. starting now.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

okay. done. now i have to actually finish the homework. love you all. wish me luck. i very well might have a nervous breakdown tonight. pray for me. all this stress is making me very emotional and making me feel very inadequate and...well...my...weaknesses very strongly.

luckily {and actually this probably has nothing to do with luck, looking up} i have the very best group of friends i possibly could have right now. period. love you all. without you...i don't know where i would be right now.

Good night

{post script} - probably won't be writing for a while {end of term and all...} but i've got some really nice posts on schedule...i hope you like them.

{post post script} if ever you see me, don't hesitate to give me a hug. all hugs are appreciated.

sending a thank you into the universe...

sometimes people have rotten days. mine was definitely one of those...except for a couple of things. that one girl who smiled at me during drama rehearsal, that one boy who never fails to make me smile {and who also was sweet enough to actually help me with statistics instead of giving up on me when i got embarrassed by my...lack of knowledge...}, the teacher who let me use her class time to make up an assignment for an entirely different class, the amazing new friend i've made out of someone i used to think was totally obnoxious, the beautiful amazing girl who gives me rides home after school and who never ceases to amaze me with how much love she gives out to people, the smiles of encouragement after seeing my math test score...

let's just say that even though life is rough {and because of my own stupid choices too} i have so many friends, and so many people that love me. i couldn't stay sad today. and even though i'm super stressed and super busy...i wanted to take the time to say thank you specifically to these people. they know who they are if they ever read this. but maybe some people deserve special shout-outs for lifting me up on a daily basis: seth, amaya, bro. gividen, chris...if ever you find yourself surrounded by people like these, like i am...you will have to admit just as i am doing, without them your life would be miserable.

{sigh} now with that...i can go finish my homework. my eyes are lifted upward once again.