waiting.

four years and five months. i can wait. i know i can. he's my best friend.

i can see it being really hard. and at those hard times looking at his picture...wherever i may have it with me {not sure how i'm going to do that one but i'll work it out}and thinking of all the love that we share. thinking of how he is truly the best friend i have ever had here on earth. the only person i trust more than him? is the Lord.

someday, i want to wear a white dress and come walking out of those doors. i want to have my bride's maids wearing whatever they can find that's blue and yellow. i want lots of white and peach colored roses and a simple and easy wedding reception.

i want to have small children, clean their sticky hands and teach them all that i know to be true. i want to teach them to discover and to create and to become. i want to be that mother who is kind and gentle and loving.

someday i want to grow old and die. i want to die not a moment before him and as soon as possible after him, so that we are never far apart.

maybe this is...difficult to imagine me saying this. i know i have been changing and fickle before. i know i have said i have fallen in love before. but never has anyone brought out the good in me more than him. never has anyone been worthy to make me feel so happy as i do.

and so? i'm waiting. although without a promise...i am waiting.

and while i am waiting, i'll be living and learning and growing. and loving. always loving him.

always.

missionarios!

saturday: my phone rang {well...not mine, i was at the nutcracker so i had my mom's cell phone on me} i had to ignore it because i was busy watching my friend and his sister perform. but i called afterward and guess what? they got their calls.

madison has been called to the Malaga, Spain mission. he will be leaving march 28th.

cameron will be leaving the same day and serving in Barcelona, Spain.

it's incredible...

i love these missionary things.

my brother comes home in exactly a week from tomorrow. i'm counting down the day and seriously...i have never been more excited for anything in my entire life. even ask my best friend...i went crazy even over the phone talking about it with him. it's awesome.

i'm kind of scared that jordon won't really...remember me? but then, not because i was closer to him than any of the others before he left. i'm just...nervous. i can hardly wait to squeeze and give him hugs again. i remember missing his hugs so much after he left. now i get to hug him again!

in his letters too he has changed. his testimony is so strong now. it's probably one of the best parts of my week reading his emails home...he has grown into a strong young man of the gospel. i'm excited to write occasional letters to my other friends soon to go on missions too, i hope to see that same change in them as i have seen in my own brother. that would be wonderful.

i also have an acquaintance/friend who will be leaving for his mission tomorrow. it's just an interesting situation...let's just say i'm happy he is going and excited for him to learn some things about life. in an awkward sense...{and i'm not making fun of him in any way, and not using a name for a reason.} {and he may have said it jokingly, but ...still..} he kind of asked me to wait for him, or at least to not get married while he is away. it was...a strange texting conversation and i happened to end it soon following because really? what do i say to that? no i'm not going to wait for you? no i wouldn't not get married because of you? hm. just an awkward situation all around. he's a good boy, and has lots of potential. i'm excited to see what the Lord does with him.

also my dear friend kait leaves the day before my brother Jordon comes home. i have never actually met her...but i would love to go to her farewell. i read her blog...often. hers is my favorite. even more so than meg now. i don't know but in the words of Anne of Green Gables - i kind of feel like she is a kindred spirit. such a love for life and happiness in loving the people all around her...she's incredible. i'm excited for her to serve too...it gives me hope about my desire to serve a mission someday. and although it would be putting certain parts of my life on hold for another five years...instead of three...i truly believe it is worth it.

somehow it has to be worth it.

so good luck kait, and may providence be with you. good luck my friend who leaves tomorrow, congratulations and happiness for madison and cameron and welcome home soon to my very dear brother, jordon.

{post script: all my lady friends who i have in past days tried to convince you that you might marry jordon so that we may be sisters...i do believe he has remained oblivious to that fact. do not, i repeat, do not spill the beans to him that i advertised him. he would be less appreciative. hahaha}

{post post script: the picture is of jordon. he's still short and scrawny from what i can tell from any missionary pictures} (:

someday...

today has been spent daydreaming about

one soon-to-be temple...the South Star

purple flowers

double rainbows...

one perfect white dress

sunrises and sunsets

family pictures

kisses...

perfect hugs

a reception with a dance floor

all my family around me

bridesmaids in beautiful dresses

getaway cars

one small cake fight...

bright city lights

and the man i want to have by my side, through it all...

someday...

"It is better...

. . . to look up."

I think this is my new...theme, motto...whatever you want to call those. It just seems to gather in all that I've wanted in my new life. Always be happy, remembering Christ above any romantic ideas that come to me. Focus on Him, the one who is the only one we can truly focus upon.

sometimes I get distracted...

but I am so lucky to have Him in my life. On countless times when I thought that the only person I wanted was the one fella who I liked and who couldn't be there for me...He was always there. He's always been right beside me, sometimes He has even held my hand. And when Sunday school teachers ask me to share any experiences that I've had where I've known that Christ was with me...I say in my head "are you serious? I felt Christ by my side and you want me to tell you about it?" maybe I'm selfish...but those moments with my Savior, are precious. and very...very sacred to me.

more precious than the ring upon my finger, even though it says CTR on it. I think that that ring too is so eminent of my new love for the phrase "It is better to look up." because CTR hasn't meant "choose the right" for a long time now for me. It means "Choose to Remember" and also "Christ the Redeemer" and when you put them together...?

Choose to Remember, Christ the Redeemer.

I thought it was rather beautiful too.

But maybe...that's just me.

It's another Lovely thing in my life right now. Because when I choose to remember Him, I know I will always choose His path, rather than the wrong or left one. How could I not? I've had dreams of His path, and in that dream...I was led to a garden where I could find my family, where I could find love. It too was Lovely.

I've been thinking a lot again about my future family. How will we handle big events? Will I ever be a good cook? Will my children be well-behaved or will they be horrible little wretches that I choose to love anyway? And my husband...? I know of only one word to describe him that's been given to me, but what else is there? Was my dream about him true as well? What if I meet someone who is fitting to that dream almost to the most possible amount that they can be...what if I get carried away in that and still marry the wrong man? What about May 6th? or January 27th? All those people...I've prayed for him since I was a child and learned that I could, although sometimes on and off. When will he rescue me? Or am I to rescue myself and then we shall find peace in each other?

and what is the quest...?

Sometimes I think too much. Sometimes I ponder...

But most of all, I simply think about how every single one of these things depends on me and how my life right now, no matter how much better and more in sync with the Lord's plan it is, I am still failing. Going the way that I am, there is no way I can have this beautiful and Lovely life that I desire. I need to do better, I need to be firmer in my beliefs, I need to delve deeper into the scriptures...and what's nice about this...is that I really do want to.

Now I just have to Do it.

And all the while that I am doing it, I will always Look Up. because that is better.

Love you,

Kaylla.

What Will I Choose...?

I've been wondering recently about a certain change I have the opportunity to make in my life. My choice in media, filmwise. It's a daunting decision, one that if I make it - I'll be determined to keep it for the rest of my life. What is this choice you may ask? Changing my personal screening habits to not viewing PG-13 and higher rated movies.

What brought on this thought processing...? My friend, the one I can't seem to talk enough to - and not because of any silly ideas you may be getting as a nosy what-is-kaylla-doing-with-her-romantic-life kind of person...but because I can talk to him about most anything and get a completely unbiased opinion, an honest one and one that is completely based on common sense- whoa long tangent - anyway, he has this rule with himself. To this day because he's kept it he no longer even desires to watch movies from which he can't feel the spirit.

I've been so desensitized. But I'm scared to give up all those things that have entertained me previously. Seriously, my self-deemed favorite movie is PG-13...and Lord of the Rings as well. How do I draw the line?

Or maybe the question is should I draw the line?

Here's some thoughts I've had: I don't want to be desensitized {good job Kaylla...} but are the messages of some movies worth the rating? Like Lord of the Rings for instance? Classic movies too, not all are PG. I looked up a movie that I destroyed in Mr. Carman's Media Burning Project and it was only PG. So are some PG-13 movies worth the rating? And are some PG movies not worth the rating? How do I determine between the two. How do I stay strong to myself unless I have a strict guide of yes and no to certain ratings?

I'm not really sure what I will do.

Side thoughts too: Mr. Carman, I don't want to repeat that experience in any way...but there was always some truth in the things that he taught us, in fact a lot of truth. But how do I make this not...another experience like that? If I do this for someone else, like my friend...if we ever are not friends any more, will I break my commitment?

So if I do this, it has to be completely me.

I haven't decided. Maybe it will be something that takes me a while to decide...I won't rush into this. But it's something I've pondered this weekend, since my conversation with Seth in front of the library. I was even thinking about it while with my friends Kaytlyn and Kelsey watching our favorite TV show, Haven, because I don't think that show would pass a PG rating. I'm confused on what to do. But I'm thinking...thinking lots and lots...

love you,

Kaylla.

"My Cup Runneth O'er"

Psalm 23

I am so very, very blessed. I have a friend who I can talk to and who talks to me, and who has very similar views as I do. I have a place to belong; friends who see me for who I really am and people who also see me for as great as I can and will be. I have a Bishop who trusts me and a family who for the most part is very stable now. I have friends who miss me and another friend who is finally {hopefully} finding their way back to Christ. I feel beautiful inside and out and I feel happy. Financially I know I will be okay, even if it is tough. I can help people's days go better by my choices to smile and be a friend and really...? What more could I ask for?

And even if "that one guy" doesn't like me back, I'm still content - because I know that I don't value him primarily for any physical attractions I have, but for who he is. He makes every day so much more worth smiling through, laughing about and not only enduring, but enjoying. Besides...I have to stick to my goal of taking care of my heart this year...remember?

I'm blessed to have had the experiences I have had, good and bad. If I hadn't, I would be who I am and I probably wouldn't be writing this right now, and that seems like a sad thought.

I have so many friends and blessings and...really, I don't know how life could get any better.

{cough...well...maybe if I had an A in AP Statistics...but that will come when I work harder at it...eeks!}

My Lord, my Shepherd truly is watching out for me. It seems like all the blessings promised to me are all just raining...pouring down on me right now. Friends, Family, Church, School, the past...everything seems to be reconciling itself within me. I've never felt so balanced, so in touch with that life and light source inside of me. I feel like the Kaylla that I always had to hide can finally come out. The Kaylla that I told Nicole once about, who couldn't shine. I feel all aglow...

and I feel blessed.

My cup truly runneth over.

Kaylla

Halle Jayne White

we drove our beaten car to bountiful. it was quite the journey, having to stop twice for gas and praying that the engine didn't overheat. yes, quite the adventure. worth it? absolutely.

we arrived shortly after two i believe and we walked into the bountiful hospital. following directions we went up to the second floor and were directed toward the right room and number. opening that door we saw her. oh the beautiful little thing. megan was feeding her so we waited briefly for her to finish. my mom got to hold her and we just spent time holding her, each of us getting a turn.

when it came around for my turn i wasn't sure what to do. i was nervous. i've never held a new-born baby before now...in fact i've rarely held babies at all, being the youngest i just have very limited experience.

it was beautiful.

something about the soft red skin. something about the way she scrunched her entire face together and went purple for a little bit. something about those tiny toes...each one as infinitely beautiful as the other. she was absolutely perfect. with her forest of feather-soft brown hair i just wanted to cry. what a beautiful, magnificent daughter of God...she was beautiful.

for the first time i felt as if i actually thought that something...something was right about holding a baby in my arms. i've never felt that before, in fact i've always wondered if i was one of those women who wasn't meant to have children in this life because kids always seemed to just...cry...around me. i'm kind of like a guy that way - tears scare me.

holding that piece of heaven, as beautiful as a breath of clear music i never wanted to let go of that little bundle of joy. when she sneezed i wanted to just smile forever and ever. when she wriggled around i wanted to hold her closer and closer until she became a part of me.

standing up and rocking her to sleep made me realize that a mother really could love a child, no matter what. something about that totally innocent, completely helpless child cries out for love from every single person who holds them. a child of God fresh from His presence, so pure that they couldn't do any wrong even if they wanted to.

the way she blinked and her eyes were unfocused, the way she moved her tongue around, even her crying was so beautiful!

it was sweet - my dad called while we were there and aaron {my brother} told halle to say "hi" to grandpa. she screamed the loudest at that moment. it was perfect. i think she knew what she was doing.

someday that will be me...someday i'll have a little baby of my own. someday...someday sounds so wonderful. I thank Heavenly Father that i am a girl...and have that potential to be a mother, to nurture His other children. I hope to do as an amazing job as i know megan will do and as my mom and grandmother's have done.

Kaylla

{post script: her name was going to be halle elizabeth but it didn't sound right. jayne is my grandma alberts' name - my mom's mom. it's a family name...it's so wonderful...}

school starts in five days.

yes. yes it does.

at least for me it does, and everyone else at Salem Hills. can you believe it kaylla? you are going to a public school. first time ever. prepare self for complete culture shock. and here? yes here. well...technically below here but whatever, are my goals for this year. yes. this year. i am talking weird...ok, getting on with it.

1) no emotional i-like-him kind of stuff this year. no boyfriend, and whatnot. not to mention i want last year's experience to be special and having another one would take away the awesomeness of junior year.

2) don't be late to early morning seminary. be good and please graduate from seminary kaylla. it will be worth it i promise.

3) get good grades in algebra 2, english/writing, and gov/politics. they are your only "hard" classes. {woot for no science this year!}

4) make lots of friends; guys and girls alike. lasting friendships, friends that a) i feel comfortable being myself completely around b) never make me feel like i need to lower my standards c) have similar interests d) can have a complete blast with and also good spiritual conversations with.

5) don't abandon or forget past friends. especially missionaries and foreign dudes, the billz, coley cole, and the loffords. all of which...very unlikely to forget. haha

6) get the chance to go to at least one high school dance {even if it must be sadies...i will do it.} hahahahaha

7) audition for anything and everything. it's good practice of getting out of my shell and i may actually get the chance to be in Fiddler on the Roof again. yes i know, i was in it last year...but you should see their stage. it's like the size of AHS's times seven. no joke. epic stage to the max.

8) get another ten blog stalkers...crossing my fingers. currently at a public number of 11.

9) go boating, kayaking, slacklining, ride the bus to temple square, all before the first snow.

10) get a fake tattoo.

11) finish personal progress. also very much worth it kaylla. do it. besides - you wanna go to the YW's sleepover don't you? DO IT.

12) take specific friends kayaking, slacklining, and hiking up to the Payson "P" as promised.

13) take lots of pictures, become proficient in that area of expertise.

14) because i'm awesome enough to have a fourteen jus' fo' kicks.

that's it. hopefully i'll get them all.

{post script} this does not count as my bucket list, although there are many things on here that could count. this is more like an overall goal list. bucket list is full of random awesome things to do - and that list is yet to come. don't you worry your little hearts. yes indeedy. Night!

kaylla the hyper krokodile.

{post post script} mutual was a blast tonight. i really like the girls in my ward. i'm excited to continue making these friendships. i've never had so many friends that had so much in common with me in my entire life. i pretty much love it here in elk ridge.

7 things to change.

seven because it's a cool number and ten is too many. but seven? just right.

1.) stop using smiley faces (: to express how you are feeling. if your words don't say it, then change your words. and don't do "haha" either. words, words, words.

2.) think about other people. you are too focused on your own loneliness, lack of friends, boredom, life...whatever it is, its about you. make it about someone else. charity.

3.) have an irresistible tan by the beginning of school.

4.) get a job. anywhere.

5.) start saving 40% of your money for a digital camera. this also includes giving up hope of trying not to copy your siblings and their passions for photography. it's genetic, give up.

6.) correct your horrid boredom enticed addiction to facebook.

7.) wardrobe: drab and all comfortable to vintage and comfortable. and modest. always modest. and don't worry...wearing a skirt to school? guess what, after nine years in a uniform you already know it won't kill you.

due date: august 23, 2011.

good luck.

kaylla

i dream the moments

when you will arrive by surprise on my front doorstep, a sweet smile on your face.

when our eyes will meet in a crowded room and i will run shamelessly into your embrace.

when we will laugh over the first steps of our beautiful daughter.

when i will cut your hair to show you that i love you.

when our car will break down and we'll spend hours laughing in the heat.

when that smiling face will kiss mine.

when we kneel across that beautiful alter, looking into eternity with each other.

when we speak softly when anger wants to fill our lips.

when we tease each other in the wee hours of the morning about the coming day.

when the time will pass and we'll have grown old together.

when someday we will meet the Savior together.

when the promises of eternal love have been kept.

kaylla

my responsibility, my fault.

{drama alert - post may be stupid and a bit dumb and depressing} {do not read if you don't love me unconditionally} :P

it's a hard thing when you discover that everything that is hurting you, ultimately is your own fault. i've come to discover that except for a very spare few of my old friends, even remember me from time to time. even those that i hung out 80% of last year failed to include me {even before i'd moved down here} honestly it really really hurt when i found out about it. i tried being mad, jealous, betrayed, but like i said - ultimately the blame came down to myself. the only way to be mature in my circumstances as my mom has constantly told me is not to push the blame on someone else but accept responsibility with open arms.

so it demands the question: why is it your fault kaylla that barely any of your friends were really even as much? because i myself wasn't a good friend. admission time: i was a drama queen, i made everything out of nothing and nothing out of everything. i belittled my used-to-be best friend and took for granted those who actually cared. i forced myself upon certain others until i was accepted, and chased after a romance that i should have known would only end and end with me the only party really hurt. yes we all say we are friends but lets be honest here...5...7...10 years from now...? will you really remember my name? will i remember yours?

i think back to my first crush in kindergarten, i don't even know his name. {ironic though - he was a twin - the dark haired one of non-identical twins...haha i just realized that...o the irony is really...killing me wow} ;P and it makes me wonder, if i don't even remember my first crushes name...how much will i remember from this last year? how many friends have i truly made? how many did i change for the better?

i just gotta be honest, right now i'm feeling like the worst friend ever. i've never focused on anyone but myself, unless the other's troubles are painfully obvious. i am just a dunce!!! a flat out idiot. if i had been a truer friend, then i would have truer friends. it just makes more...sense... and with truer friends, i doubt i'd feel quite so abandoned after moving out here. maybe...maybe just maybe i'd have had those last weeks with the people i loved and cared for the most instead of staying home because of my foolhardy stupidity.

it kind of makes sense though...when the going gets tough, the tough get going idea - that i should make new friends, just buck up and start over. but it's not really that easy...i'm kind of an oddball. i just...i don't want to have to change who i am, in order to be happy again...i shouldn't have to, yet already i feel myself reverting back to the shy girl of my childhood, the one who rarely spoke and was moody and occasionally rude.

the wind here is almost always blowing and if it is blowing, it's usually blowing northward... it makes me wish i were a leaf and could fly back, back in time and just re-live the best moment and fix my worst mistakes. funny thing is that my first mistake was myself. i should have stuck to one group of friends, instead of trying to do both {which almost failed}. if i had never known what i'd missed, i'd still be as happy as an idiot high on ignorance's bliss.

but then i'd never give it up now that i've had it. i wouldn't trade a single one of those memories. no matter how much i love them or hate them or how much i let them hurt me, i wouldn't give them up.

it's funny...i kind of realize now how stupid i was to think that if i let my standards down just a little bit, that it would eventually mean that people would love me more. in a way i was right, because i let down some unnecessary walls - but then...i became more attached than i should have realized any of them could ever be to me, especially since maybe i was attached for the wrong reasons. going back to the fact that i was a complete selfish witch. they were all good friends...and maybe i was a good friend at first - but i failed the long-term test, and ruined them in the end. {probably a good reason to add to my list of reasons for not having best friends - because i suck at the whole stupid idea of long-term anything} {probably a good reason for me not to get married either. at least until i fix that.....ha.}

so all this honesty has got one thing as a common denominator: i gotta pull my act together. i may not know how the next few months will come and go...but i do know that if i can make it one day at a time - doing my utmost to improve myself, eventually years will pass without even a second glance and maybe someday i won't have to say "what if..."

wow. today was just rough...

it started out really well with an adventure with lilly, trying to find a grocery store because we desperately needed milk, but ended with me here in front of my bedroom window watching as the city lights turn on...maybe a little wet around the eyes. darn allergies right?

so many wishes unfulfilled...it makes me wonder how it'll all work out, if it's even possible to work myself out of the mess this time. but day by day, with my david tolk music and jenny phillips and one chapter of that good 'ole blue book each morning and night...someday i'll be smiling again without even a glimmer of this frown...keep taking pictures of sunrises and sunsets (: keep being quirky, getting enough rest and eating right and maybe go for a run to force those endorphins of happiness when i find it hard to. some country music here and there, cookies and cream chocolate when it gets really tough...but always a prayer in my heart and in the end?...

"all will be well."

Kaylla

happy thoughts!

best cure for a blue day? happy thoughts! yah i know, stupid private school weirdo telling you that. i completely agree. but who knows, maybe this will work. i haven't been posting all the posts i've been actually writing because they are all so depressing and repetitive. yah. i'm a sucker.

anyway! first happy thought! my brothers don't think i'm a complete wimp and spoiled brat anymore! {at least this is the impression i am receiving} in fact we had a ton of fun yesterday emptying the attic and moving about 64 buckets of wheat and rice. let me tell you....WHOA, that attic was like 160 degrees, literally the plastic boxes they were bringing down were hot to the touch! and those wheat buckets? yah, i have the beginnings of blisters on my hands because they were just so heavy. but it was really great! and i'm not even joking - i LOVE being around my brothers, something about being around them makes me feel so fulfilled. i wanna marry someone who is a mix of all three of them: the calm temperament of cameron and quirkiness too; the spontaneous character and rough/rugged parts of aaron {men: rugged is SO attractive to girls fyi}; and the artistic eye and appreciation i feel from jordon. i am just so blessed to have them as my brothers. yah. WOW. no one is luckier than me except probably...yah i don't even know of someone to list as luckier than myself, haha

happy thought #2! so also yesterday, after we dropped off all the buckets and emptied both the moving truck {careful not to give meg any of the heavy ones} and the trailer {took all day to fill both and a matter of 2 and a half hours to empty - what's with that?} we were talking outside and we turned off the lights...and guess what? you can see the stars. ok so you've heard me talk about stars before duh, but you have never seen stars like that. with no city lights to interfere it's like you are in a completely different world - you can even see the milky way! it's just absolutely beautiful, and the view from my bedroom window could seriously see all the way to midvale if i wanted to, if only there weren't a mountain in the way.

happy thought #3...ok so i've actually been pretty down about the new ward that we've moved into - nobody has really welcomed us in and it's just overall kind of lame. i would like some friends other than my own sister {no offense Lo - i just gotta have a social life otherwise i'll be driven insane} but today i saw this guy...i honestly dunno what it was but i swear i recognized him from somewhere! i still don't know where from {i think it might just be nothing, maybe he's chandler's cousin that he was telling me about that lives down there and i'm just seeing family resemblance but whatevs} haha...i just keep crossing my fingers that not only will i be able to make friends with some cool girls but mostly i really want guy friends again. i fricken miss esteban, nick, jongthu, cameron, drew, david, madison and all the other fellas...i just can't believe i probably won't see people like austin and michael ever again...totally depressing note - back to happy thoughts, this guy seemed friendly, maybe i'll actually go to mutual {haha}

happy thought...#4? i'm not sure what the next happy thought will be about...give me a sec...oh! i was looking online this morning at the salem hills' high school website and the art teacher? she was my sunday school substitute last week! yah i know right? totally awesome, and i really liked her too. i'm thinking i'll take an art class this coming year - because i regretted not taking one last year so badly, i'll make up for it.

happy thought #5 - my mom is going to let me design my own bedroom for once {so happy!} and i decided that since the walls are a really warm but pale yellow - i'm going to make my room yellow, blue and white - my mom said that maybe she can help me get a new comforter for my bed and when she buys curtains she'll get me blue ones instead of whatever other color she was thinking. my own room....for the first time {except for that one month deal i loved after jordon left but then we moved afterward...} yup. SO excited for those new accomodations!

so...yah, i'm pretty much out of happy thoughts {overall it was kind of a fail, because the sad has still got me under it's claw..? but at least this post was about something other than that right? right.} *smile hard

kaylla

Fast Forward

Imagine you are seven years old again. Didn't you think that people who were getting married at like 21, just returned from their mission were pretty dang old? I was looking up some people I used to know, one of them was my brother's best friend from high school...he's married. I never thought of this kid as much older than myself, and he's married?!

It got me to thinking...I'm seventeen. I'll be a senior this next school year. Sometimes I feel like life could never change, but then I realize...my life really has only just begun! That's almost a scary thought. Most of the people I know right now will be married if not already having kids within the next decade! That's....just crazy. Really crazy.

I was also thinking about another person, and she was totally like only...what, a year older than me? Now she's got a missionary she's waiting for who I'm pretty sure she will end up marrying. She was only just a senior in high school!

Kind of scaring me actually. I mean, first boyfriend my Junior year...I don't want to get married honestly - definitely not for a while. My ideal age for marriage would be either 23 or 25...I'm fine with going another decade alone. Unless I met the right guy before going on my mission at 21 - there's no way I wouldn't serve the Lord like that. I've just always known I probably would.

Maybe I'm scared of getting on with life after all. I mean high school? I feel like I just barely got out of middle school, and now I have to skip to Senior year.

I just realized my luck may not be so good.

How do you even make friends in high school? Especially if you're COMPLETELY new? I have one idea/clue from my brother but it's not really much to go off of. The brother tip is this: if you do what you like to do, you'll meet people you enjoy being around - because you will have similar interests.

So my interests are...being a weirdo dorky private schooler. I like soccer (I'm thinking I'll try out...but I suck so I doubt that's gonna all work out...honestly...). I like music, art, photography and writing. Maybe journalism? I like kayaking and hiking too. I want to learn how to ski...my friend never got around to taking me to Park City with him (lil stinker).

I guess first stop would be to just be friendly. I read somewhere randomly that if you want to come across as a nice person for first impressions, you compliment. Tell them they have nice hair, a pretty face, a good laugh...so I guess I just gotta notice the good in people so I can do that, so that they think I'm a nice person (hope they aren't disappointed when they find out about the freak of nature I really am haha)

Wow - just looked at my title for this post and realized I got a little off topic. Sorry!

Looking forward though - every girl has a daydream about how her life is going to go, the best possible course (at least most girls that I've talked to). Maybe I really am weird but beyond the next two weeks I have no idea where I'm going and what I'm doing.

In my future this is what I see. Move. Get job. Register for school (hopefully they accept my credits - fingers crossed). Make friends at church and school.............and that's it. Oh and try to see my friends from up North as much as possible (which so far after the first two weeks has been a failure - stupid sunburn and distance).

But there's always going to be those toss-ups. Like...I could get hit by a car and become paralyzed from the waist down. Or I could get some virus and become deaf, or blind. Or both my parents could die and I'd have to move up to Bountiful to live with Aaron and Megan.

Honestly...what scares me the most about the future, is not really the unknown...but rather the unknown of whether I will see those people again who have affected my life so much this past year. I talk about hanging out with Kaytlyn and Nicole, I talk about taking Madison kayaking. I talk to Britt about chilling one of these days down at the Ridge...but sometimes things just don't work out. It hasn't with my friends from my old ward - Gabby and Alyssa. We've hardly talked since the last time we hung out last summer, and they live a spare 15 minutes away. What happens when everything I've ever known is suddenly an hour's drive away? Facebook friendships? I hate that - I like seeing people's faces.

It all really just makes me sad...it's like the last day of school all over again. I hate moving so far away. I'm sure I can make friends again...but am I seriously supposed to just move on from the good times I've already had?! I'll always remember all the best nights of my life! I can't just move on like that!

Fast forward again...after high school, after I will have tried so hard to make friends again, I'm going to have to move on...AGAIN! When does it stop? Is that why God made it a commandment to find one person in life that you can hold on to forever? Because goodbyes are so unbearable? I wish I could hold on to these people and just keep them with me, all of us exactly the way we are.

But then of course that wouldn't be fair - because then Madison wouldn't be able to go on a mission, I'd never go to college and Kaytlyn would never become an amazing pianist. Nicole would never become a nurse, Kelsey would never become a journalist...we'd all be stuck in the past, no one living the moments that they were supposed to.

Thinking forward again! How am I going to meet that special companion? My best friend...we're obviously going to have a story; where does that start? Or when?

I think if anything consoles me in this whole wreck of moving on with life is the fact that he will always be in my future, whoever he is, he will always be there. Guiding me onward and keeping me going; someday we'll have children together, and they will have lives and struggles. If the only way I get to that is by moving on...I can do it.

But I'm kind of a pessimist. What if I'm one of those ladies that will end up spending her whole life alone? I don't want to be alone...in fact I'd rather die than spend my life alone.

Just take it one day at a time. That's the only way I can do this. Keep breathing and keep the days coming.

Kaylla

PS - two sidenotes - 1) I really REALLY want a bullet bike...then I could have my own source of excitement whenever I needed it and 2) I hope I'm not the only one who daydreams about meeting people from her past and having them join her future...because that would be one amazing turn in my story if I met certain people again, when they have time and space in their life for me and me for them again...it's all up to the Master storywriter though, right? ;)

Sheltered? Huh?

I think I was seven (?) when my brother Aaron got his license (yah...that sounds about right) ANYway - my mom would never let him drive me places, not that I really went anywhere, but she wouldn't because of his taste in music. Let me give you an example of what he listened to:



Yah...I wish I were still that sheltered.

I was just listening to my playlist on GrooveShark and it surprised me when an older song showed up on my shuffle. I was talking to Madison about how sheltered I was, and I told him I'd rather be sheltered than not. People always tell me I'm so sheltered - and can I just say, I wish I were more sheltered. When people say I really don't want to know what a word means, I really should just listen to them and recently I have been. I don't look things up anymore - I'd rather not read that junk...

But wait! haha sorry - I don't want to offend anyone, because a LOT of my friends know a LOT of this stuff that I don't know and you know what's crazy? Yah, they're not innocent but they aren't BAD people like I used to believe.

But maybe I've just been desensitized? But then, am I a bad person? I don't think so - so it makes me wonder, is there REALLY a place where you are Too sheltered? I remember one of my first arguments with my friend Gabby was about the school I went to - her argument was that I wouldn't be ready for the "real" world. (Ha I can't believe I remember that conversation - do you remember Gabby?? haha) and then I remember when my brother left our small world of private school AHS, and he started to change, at first for the worst but then as he became much older, and graduated - something changed again and he really was ready for the "real" world; whereas you take me and I'm terrified to go out there and live life on my own.

Just this morning my mom was talking about how in our new house I'll finally have my own room (yay!) and then she finished her sentence with how hard it will be to get rid of me now. It made me realize that in all truths...in about a year - I will probably be moving out, going to college, and starting my "real" life. And I'm scared.

So is it bad to be sheltered? I think so...But then I'd never give up the sunny childhood days - believing that I could really soak up the creek into my tiny feet, or believing that stepping on the mushrooms was evil magic, or drinking out of the hose, or making dirt cities in our unfinished yard of dirt :) (remember Lilly?? mine was the coolest - you know it!), or making green cake with Gabby and Alyssa, watching the grass move like a wave through Gabby's attic window, or cleaning under my bed and my closet each year because I could NEVER keep it uncluttered for the life of me...

But when did I stop being sheltered? Hmm...give me a second to think it through - hahaha... - I think it was 8th grade. My mom got fired that year from her job of teaching 4th graders. We put our house up for sale and unable to sell it, refinanced. My world was turned upside down as my relationship with my dad deteriorated, I started listening to what I considered "hard" music at the time (most of it was just country with harder beats - like "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts), I changed my wardrobe...then in ninth grade I met Nicole. :)

Oh Nicole...where would I be if I'd never met you?

Before I met Nicole - you gotta understand the life I lived. I read only fantasy books - I never did my homework, though I was a book worm, I had no social life, I didn't wear makeup (hated it in fact and convinced Nicole to STOP wearing it), and spent my days watching and re-watching childhood movies. Maybe occasionally I talked online through email with friends - I was very cyber oriented as well. Nicole, LITERALLY changed all that. She forced me out of my comfort zone, making me talk to the guy who had embarrassed me after telling him that I liked him - he and I became friends again - ANYway - Nicole helped me to learn that shouting in the hallway and getting stares wasn't bad. It was just letting your voice be heard.

Tenth grade came around and Nicole and I pulled apart. I wish we never had. I became better friends with a childhood friend - Brittani Bills - and we took Spanish together with Mr. Carman - ugh - long dramatic story, we let it effect our lives to a degree that I find embarrassing now. My parents got divorced. That was...weird, though I have to admit I'd been asking my parents to do it since at least 7th grade (at least in my head). I remember one morning getting ready for school and just wishing I had no ears. Then after my dad moved out, we sold our house and lived in a basement apartment in PG for about three months...I hated those months. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. My parents started talking again and decided to do it again - they fixed their issues and decided to get married again. My mom had already signed the papers though for our little town-home in AF so we just decided to have him come along...weird but yah. They were married in our front living room for the second time. Traumatic year. Still sheltered? Heck no.

Then THIS year. WHOOSH! (Ha, have you ever noticed that you count years by school years, not actual years? confusing but that's how it rolls - for me at least). Friends from all over the world (= lots of culture shock for me and them, and more unsheltering), friends who I never thought I would even be able to stand (and now not only am I standing them, but I love their guts), and literally three different groups of people who I consider friends...thus confusion on my part again on where I belong :P

So Sheltered Kaylla White - where will you be in a year?

A year ago I wrote myself a letter, I get to open it this Wednesday...and I'm SO excited - you have no idea. It's like a time capsule!!! :)

A year from now - so much could happen...but what will it be this time? Will I be happier or will I be torn apart again and have to stitch the pieces back together again? (dramatic I know - but hey, I'm a writer, I have a license to sappiness, dramatics, and violence)

So here's to another year gome and one to come in a life of no-longer-being sheltered, and trying to keep some semblance of innocence in this world splattered in mud. I know I can make it through this mess, because I know who I am - and seriously, if you know that? Who can change your mind? No One.

C'est La Vie.

Kaylla

PS - sorry for such a long post...I had a lot to say :P and still didn't say it all...

Another Ending

School is almost over. My friend Spud (Tiffany) (check out her blog) said something about 20 more hours? Wow...next week isn't even really school even! We don't have school Monday, Tuesday is Field Day (we get to go to the canyon where we had the Media-Burning Project), Wednesday we have...one normal day - maybe...not sure, then the teachers v. boys soccer team game, then graduation...then Thursday is the last day of school...and that's it. I'll be done.

I've always hated "Goodbyes". They just seem to say - "yah goodbye! hope I never see you again!" which really isn't true - for the most part ;) jk, no it really isn't true. It seems like every time that Summer comes around you say "hey! let's stay in touch yah?" and it never happens. It's horrible because a lot of my friends this year are foreign exchange students so...it really is goodbye, if not forever, for a VERY long time. I hate it!

But then I realize that this is ALL a part of growing up. There are some things I need to talk about with some people about the coming future but for the most part I have my life planned out. School - not so sure yet...but you know what? It'll all be ok.

I think that's another hard part to saying goodbye - saying goodbye to friends and situations and lifestyles, you never know what's coming next. It's going to completely surprise you! Like a year ago - I wrote myself a letter and wrote on the envelope: Do not open until June 1st. I'm DYING to open it now :) you have NO idea. A year ago I was...a COMPLETELY different person. One thing which is CREEPY is that I told myself as a complete sarcastic joke was that I'd have a boyfriend...huh.

ANYway. After the whole jazz with tenth grade and the whole new world I've discovered this year - I'm curious as to what this new ending will introduce. I hope I don't have to say goodbye forever to certain people - But C'est la vie yah? Ugh...I'm just begging in my head for the Lord not to take this happiness away from me because of distance and separation. I STILL don't know if I'm happy to move or sad...I think I'm sad to move further away from some people and happy that I'll never see certain others again. Too bad it can't just be Happy. Sad. Done. :P

Another Ending...That's synonymous to Another Beginning. I get another chance to start over, isn't that what everyone wants? I should just be thankful, and talking to my mom about how sometimes I'm a bit bi-polar, I gotta just learn to roll with the punches. If something ends, I need to close the book and just pick up another. :)

I like how I've been feeling constantly happy recently - and not overly happy either, just...content. I thank my three closest friends for that - Madison, Nicole, and Kaytlyn. One of them is Always there for me, sometimes more than one at a time :P haha.

So Thanks to all my wonderful friends, my life really is good, I'm scared but ready I think to move on....

THE END ;)

Kaylla

The Empty Bench

Sometimes there are moments when you just feel so . . . lonely. I gotta admit - that's one of my very big weaknesses, I love people, I love interaction but when it comes to real deal relationships (and I'm not talking boy+girl stuff) I'm really horrible.

I talk to my mom about wishing I had friends more like me - I have one or two but just . . . wish there were more people who knew the stuff I knew and talked about it. (No offense to my other friends - this is not a ragging on you - pinky promise)

My mom has often told me that to have good friends you have to be one. I don't think I'm a very good friend - that's my problem. I expect and ask for so much . . . and yet give so little. How do I even deserve the friends I have? SO . . . I don't believe in only making New Year's Resolutions, I believe in a weekly goal . . . so for this week - I'm going to be a good friend. Also, my summer goal is to get my personal progress done.

Back to the loneliness stuff. So I've been having an increasing aching to find that special someone. I know - I'm pathetic :) a hopeless romantic and a mixed up tomboy . . . yeah horrible. Gosh - I tried to wear a pretty shirt for the first time in like . . . a year for a weekday instead of Sunday and yeah . . . I felt SO uncomfortable. Eventually I changed my shirt (for the third time) into one of my T-shirts. I'm hopeless - I'll never be able to wear pretty clothes. haha ANYWAY - so I'm lonely right? okay well I've been catching myself daydreaming about when school starts and you meet all the new people . . . I've been hoping that there will be a handsome newcomer who I will be friends with . . . friends first and then . . . just that. See - I don't want a real relationship! Am I ridiculous or what?!? Haha so anyway. Done spilling my guts.

Have you ever thought of your perfect romance story? Like for you? I have . . . I don't know if I'm the only one but I have, won't deny that I'm a complete weirdo. :) But maybe that's another post . . . just for topic separation's sake right? right. (but let me just note that I first off don't want to like my future companion right off - in fact I'd rather hate him at first, also I don't want him to be the same girl that everybody likes. I dunno but I hate it when that happens - kind of just . . . impersonal) yeah . . . like I said - different post.

So that's my goal - no empty benches. They were meant to hold friends in conversation or strangers at a good distance to get to know each other. Just thought I'd connect the picture ;)

Have a great . . . evening :)

KaYlLa