i heard someone crying

i saw this play yesterday at the Hale. it was beautiful and wonderful. this is my favorite song. it gives me the chills...for some strange reason. the way they did this part was with these moving doorways and all three are wandering "the halls" but never see or meet each other. it was hauntingly beautiful.

the high soprano, the child's voice and the strong male...it's perfectly balanced and well done. just...beautiful. Thank you Papa Miller for inviting us to come with you and for the tickets. we all loved it so much. i wish i could watch it over and over again. i think i just might become as obsessed with the music as i did with Jekyll & Hyde.

i love musicals. they...they are very rejuvenating. ha, i know, strange word but really. i think it was just what i needed this week.

you should go see it if ever you get the chance.

hold my hand.

sometimes...there are moments in our life that make everything just, collide. everything in the universe just comes together in that one brief moment

and you're happy.

so happy that it's just....joyous. you feel the love for that person just overcoming you. you want to hold them and never let go. they are your best friend and you theirs and your wants and desires no longer matter because honestly...they are all in hoping and serving and helping their hopes and dreams come true, and it's beautiful because they feel the same way too...

and all you did...?

was finally hold his hand.

a story in pictures: graduation

stories in books are often boring without pictures. and since there's nothing much to tell about this story other than...it happened! i will show you my collages of it and hope you enjoy.

so...ONCE UPON A TIME...

THE END

or is it?

life is still beautiful

i know my last post was rather dramatic and depressing. but i promise you, that was one post and as of recently, my life has been filled with warm sunny spring days and happiness.

as of recent:

- i started the tedious process of finally getting my license (shocker!)

- there is no longer an odd scent about my room because it is pristine clean

- beautiful curtains were hung in my bedroom (pictures soon anyone?)

- speaking of pictures, my brothers gave me a camera for my birthday. seriously?

- i've started a collection of dizzy squares. i'm almost done though. cough.

- i have held bunny rabits. baby ones. so cute and fluffy! precious.

- played soccer on the most beautiful green grass

- thew grass at my friend and in their holey shirt. silly silly.

- finished the first quarter of my online health class (yay!)

- begun writing in my journal yet again. why did i ever stop? i've missed it.

- listened to wonderful music

- played the guitar

- oh and very, very wonderful... i have slept in!

just a taste of my life recently.

PS. did I mention i'm in love? maybe that's hard to believe because i've always been in love, with life, with people. but believe it or not...i am in love with him. i hope that you will meet him someday. maybe. maybe not. that's okay.

he's my best friend. and the whole world can know it - i love him.

growing up.

when i was little, i avoided all the cracks in the pavement. i didn't want to hurt my grandma. i would also avoid the rough stuff in between our kitchen tiles.

to this day i still do it. out of habit of course, but i do.

and sometimes i wonder, what will it feel like to be all grown up? to know so much, and to have experienced it all? true love. marriage. children. heartache. death of loved ones. and finally, my own death.

will it be full of events? or will it just...come.

yesterday i turned eighteen. some would say that that is an event. and then others say that when the same day happened to them, they didn't feel any different.

well. i don't feel much different. but i do. suddenly i have this large burden placed on my back. my mom and i have agreed that to be treated as an adult, i must act like one. i must be mature. i must take responsibility. and honestly? i'm excited.

and i'm scared.

for so long, i could say "hey mom! will you make me breakfast?" and i could expect her to say "of course" at her own expense even sometimes. i no longer need my parents permission for anything legally. i could do whatever my heart desired. {i should probably get a job...}

marriage and family is also much closer than it was last year. technically, i could be married and pregnant with my first child within the next two years {definitely not going to happen, but still}. i will be going to college the next semester that i can afford it {hopefully fall semester but if not definitely spring}. i will be moving out within the year as well. i will have to do my own laundry, dishes, bills, bathroom cleaning {no more bribing lilly into cleaning the tub...haha}, making sure my room is pristine.

so much responsibility.

the past made an unexpected reappearance in my life yesterday. i saw an old acquaintance, and it made me really think about how i would react to the people in my life now in two or three years time. will i scream their name and run and give them a hug? or will i awkwardly remain quiet, pretending that they are not there and only giving a brief wave as i part from their presence?

i hope to make better decisions than that.

yet i don't wish to go back into the past and correct anything. although i will live, learning from my own lessons and mistakes. i will love all those around me...but i will be more careful about those who i keep close in my life. i want to live my dream, my dream to help others understand who they are, what they can become, recognizing their potential.

i am eighteen. i'm an adult. i have blue eyes and curly brown hair. i know who i am. i make big mistakes sometimes, and i've had to fix them myself. i play the guitar and the piano. i often crave macaroni and cheese or raisin oatmeal cookies. i find myself in love often, with life and the people around me. i love sunny, hot summer days with slight breezes. i love the ocean and it's chilling needle cold waves which can toss you about.

i love my life. i love who i am.

here's to growing up.

my love

don't forget me, my love

i'll always be here,

don't leave me, my love

our paths are quite clear

these arms are yours my love

do not fear

hold me and never let go, my love

if i could, i would my dear

my love, my love, my love...

will you be my love?

forever?

with a teaspoon of love

at dinner one night a young girl asked her mom at the table; "mom, why does everything homemade taste better than pre-made food?"

the mother was beat to the answer when another one of her children, a younger brother quickly answered, "it's because mom adds love as a secret ingredient to everything she makes!"

i love this story...it's a real one too. a friend of mine's family.

makes me want to make a home cooked meal. {smile}

i found the right one in a pawn shop.

we went guitar hunting.

my mom, my best friend, and i

first we went to a pawn shop

and although it was beat up

and had a fiberglass back

and honestly i didn't think i liked it

i went straight to it.

he tuned it and i listened

we tried multiple guitars in there

and then we left.

we walked over to another store

one with only brand new guitars

but i didn't like any of them.

except maybe one or two

but even then i kept partly wanting

to go back to the old guitar.

my best friend could tell that

the new guitars, weren't right.

so we went back to the pawn shop

and i played the old ovation again.

i knew it was the right guitar.

and so my mom wished me

Happy Birthday...early.

and bought it, and a case.

we drove home and once there

we cleaned it up and wiped it off

and then we tuned it.

and i love her.

she has many scars and a deep crack

but she also has a story to tell, to sing.

she's all mine. and she always will be.

i love my guitar.

lovely afternoon, lovely day.

i may have skipped 4th period today. but that's fine; study hall is basically just falling asleep in the library waiting for the bell to ring anyhow. and i wasn't feeling so great either.

and then seth told me he was going to radioshack. so i went along.

mr bohling saw us heading out which was slightly funny. i've heard he's such a stickler for the rules but i'm pretty sure he knew we were "sluffing." he still let us go. oh fun (:

so we were off.

with laughs and a warm day to enjoy away from the tightness and restrictions of school we laughed to our heart's content.

we saw an old car (probably from the 50s, and original...not a remake) and it was so shiny and beautiful! we decided we would drive back the same way, just to see it again.

at radioshack we didn't find anything that he was looking for, sadly. but that's okay. it was still worth it.

on our way back we drove by the car again...only this time we took a detour and got this creeper picture. {yes, he is such a wonderful boy...he drove back just for me when i remembered i had my camera}. the most wonderful part of all was watching the old couple who got inside of it, the old man opening the door for his wife and then ever so slowly climbing into the front seat to drive. people like them, they inspire me.

i may have practiced a little more my creeping skills. he didn't know i was taking this picture. until that is, i was laughing for no apparent reason and then he looked down into my lap where my camera was happily snapping away. i caught his smile. this picture makes me so happy.

oh and then we stopped and got 40 cent ice cream {yes, it went from 38 to 40 cents. rip off.} haha and it was warm this time? i love getting ice cream with him. he always finishes first. he bit off the bottom and sucked the melting cream through the back and then finished it off that way. i was shocked. who does that?! he does. i love it.

we went back to school and we talked in the hallway. i sat down on the floor because i felt...sick...{i didn't want to lose my ice cream cone.} but then Seth gave me a ride home.

it was quite lovely.

and that evening was lovely and wonderful as well. Peter Pan, pizza, puzzles...poking...i just realized that...they are start with "P". hm. yes, it was quite the lovely day.

happy day of birth

to the girl who

i learned how to shoot a gun with

taught me how to play "wherever you go" on the piano

and "where are you christmas"

who laughed with me late at night

and scribbled nonsense over a cardboard box at 1 AM

the one who taught me that dancing in the rain was worth the frizzy hair

and that sometimes, we just need to trust each other

the girl who taught me that there is always someone whose got it worse

and what tough love means

she also taught me that we all make mistakes

but we can always make it okay, if we truly mean it.

this girl used to be my best friend. we're still friends...although i haven't seen her in ages. we used to climb trees together and spend hours talking about everything and nothing. and yes, we've had our grand amount of disagreements. but we're okay. she's the girl who took me up onto her roof, and we watched the sunset together. she's the one who told me that i have music...in me, and before that...i'd never really realized that.

we shopped at DI together

and gave out Book of Mormons together

we rode horses and sweated in the heat together

we even cleaned each others rooms

we sang songs together

and became obsessed with spanish opera together

we took long walks in the ghetto of PG together

and ate each other out of house and home

we became addicted to healthy berry cereal together

and watched our favorite movies with each other

we worked at K-Camp together

and counted stars in the ceilings at school together

we read the Book of Mormon in two weeks together

basically...she was like my sister. she was the first girl i was ever allowed to have a sleepover with {although not quite under the circumstances i would have hoped - as most sleepovers don't begin with a visit to the ER and end with falling asleep at 8am...}.

what's beautiful about her is that she never gives up on people. and although sometimes she's wondered if she's the only person that does...she doesn't stop. she stays loyal. she's always been there to lift people up, and when she's made mistakes she has been able to correct them and become better, and stronger.

because she knows just who she is. a daughter of God. and that's incredible. and beautiful. and lovely.

and i wish her the very best birthday. and i hope life only gets better for her. i hope she only knows how much this imperfect heart of mine cares for her. i hope she knows how sorry i am for ever mistreating her. i hope she also knows how much i treasure the good times. i hope she knows that in the end..."all will be well."

i love you brittani bills with no middle name.

i love you very...very much.

have a good one,

love always.

kaylla

{PS - britt, sorry if the picture is old and doesn't look like the gorgeous girl i know...it was the best i had. love you!}

because let's face it. we love our chick-flicks.

jane eyre

stardust

{ps - i could probably quote this one to you. i did use it as an audition monologue one time after all. lovely isn't it? i think so.}

affair to remember

pride and prejudice

clicky on THIS LINK because every video clip i found of this scene was prohibited from embedding. gr. frustrating.

wives and daughters

Princess Bride

War and Peace

Tangled

i think that's enough for now, don't you? oozing sappiness right now.

yah. i like my chick-flicks.

What Love Really Means

i may be distracted when i should be writing an essay on the satiric comedy on the victorian society displayed in the importance of being earnest but i couldn't help myself.

{well i guess if you want to be rude...

you would point out about now...

that i really could help myself.

bah. oh well.}

but i found this song over the weekend. and fell in love with it. maybe it's because i love someone like this. and they love me like that too. i love...being in love. in love with my best friend. i am so blessed. truly, i am. i can't think of many people - even married people who have what i have in this simple, and truly beautiful friendship.

so here is the song.

honestly, i could totally schpieel {pronounced: sh-peel} on this song. i have lots of hidden thoughts in all the lyrics, jumping honestly ALL over the place. but i won't because as mentioned...i have an essay to write. due tomorrow. and it is already 6:33, not to mention i have early morning seminary and a boy who constantly invades my thoughts - in other words, distracts me...in the most wonderful sense possible...

what can i say?

i'm in love.

i have fallen in love.

i am perfectly blissfully happy.

life couldn't possibly be better.

you get the gist.

an adventure of peaches

peaches.

that dark corner of that red-carpeted basement.

the treasures of taste, hidden there.

a tickle of desire

and we were off, another adventure

turning on the light - reaching around the corner to find the light switch

walking underneath the ancient looking tapestry

past the sturdy furniture, scratchy

toes sneaking across the stiff red carpet

avoiding eye contact with the dolls in the glass case against the wall

entering into the cool darkness of the storage room,

where lie the large, stark, foreboding washer and dryer machines - noisy

crouching in the darkness through the maze of shelves, searching

aha. found.

dashing from the gut of that darkness and back into the light

grandma served us the peaches.

it snowed again.

it snowed two days ago. and i forgot to tell you, we went and walked in the snow. it was lovely. i've never been happier in my entire life.

imagine what it would feel like to be in love with your best friend.

then imagine them loving you back, just as much.

and then add snow.

and then add the sweetest gray sky, a long cold walk {which leaves your heart achingly warm}, the silence left by winter, a childhood soccer field and playground, and a secluded bench surrounded by scrub oak

and last but most definitely not least, add a hug from someone dear and special.

please, let this always be mine.

friendly notice

so a friend from my old, old ward (two houses ago in other words...) has this beautiful, inspiring, delightful blog that i occasionally enjoy reading. she has just...a very clear way of writing and it's bright and happy and, well yes. she's one of my heroes. not to mention...she's a truly classy young woman. read her blog. she's lovely. specifically this post, because it reminds me how blessed i am with having so many friends who are exactly as she describes is lacking but desirable. you will understand - just read.

enjoy.

snowy

woke up early on accident and saw the snow

i felt a big gulp of excitement and made a phone call

as soon as was acceptable

we hiked up the canyon by our neighborhood

no whitewashing occurred

but many happy thoughts and lovely moments

we made plants and branches lose their snowy coats

and observed deer-tracks

and talked about love and hope and faith

we slipped and slid up hill at first

and then downhill

we sang "my favorite things"

we threw snow at each other and laughed

i think this snow is wonderful.

i'm in love.

blissfully awkward evenings

let's discuss the first part of the day first. january sixth.

well...i was exhausted but a miracle occurred. my extra credit assignment that i thought was due by the end of the day? not due for another week. good thing i didn't stay up till two am doing that one. but because i found out a little late? i got to spend some time studying with a friend in the library. psh, singers v. library...hands down i know i made the right choice.

so after school i got ready for a friend's reception...and when i use the word friend, know that it is quite the loose term. i had never met the bride or groom in any form...other than the internet. no i am not a stalker. yes, i do have stalker-like tendencies; following meg's blog for example. but who cares, i got the invite and if people aren't serious about inviting you to their wedding, then they wouldn't send invites. who cares. i got a hug. it was sweet.

my mom and i walked in and it was beautiful. it looked at first like there might be the hint of a possible dance floor later? but we didn't stay long enough to find out sadly. there was beautiful colors all over and the bride looked absolutely, classically beautiful. i think it's the new thing: short dresses. personally...i see myself wearing an empire-waisted gown with a lace overly but that's just me.

i recognized at least three or so people there. some more or less pleasant, others cordially avoided. funny how small of a world it can be sometimes. funny how uncomfortable that makes me feel sometimes. i felt slightly out of place, so many cutely fashioned young misses but that's okay. i got a hug from my favorite blogger and she appeared to recognize my name {?} or maybe i'm just...pulling my own leg. ha.

we snacked from the chocolate fountain briefly and then smartly disappeared. adventure quest accomplished. too bad brittani and chloe weren't there. they would have made it even more "blissfully awkward". more of the blissful part.

on the drive home i slowly got more and more excited as we got closer home. i was excited to hang out with my friends after the reception is all.

okay maybe that's not all, my best friend was going to be there. no big deal.

so my friend {sweet as he is} picked me up {why are my friends so wonderful? i didn't even have to ask for a ride. really? call me blessed because i am.} and we watched this movie called Oscar. it was an older one and it was Absolutely Hilarious. too bad most of our friends had to leave early but that's okay, one other joined our troops late. better late then never right?

{probably shouldn't have mentioned the french kiss inside joke, a mistake i truly am sorry for. i dislike being a thorn in someone's side. and i know...this will only make sense to one person, but that is fine. that's all it is for.}

it ended on a good note though. i'll just leave it there...except for the one fact...i'm slowly realizing what this song was saying. slowly...because maybe i'm a bit more cautious in love sometimes than i let on.

but every time he walks in a room and i turn and see him, i cannot help but smile. he makes me so blissfully happy. he never pulls me down in any way. he lets me help him too when he's had a rough day. and i love him. always will.

so it was a wonderful night.

and i'm in love with those hugs.

and him.

just sayin'.

{post script} i don't know if they could hear me but while two of my friends were talking outside i was messing around on my other friend's piano. but i couldn't play my most recent song...it was strange.

small and random desires

today i just...want to be

alone?

in a happy way. i promise.

i just feel like going alone to eat some 38cent icecream at stokes.

buying myself a balloon

climbing to the top of a hill and letting it go

and then watch it

till my neck hurts, like an old lady

i know. i was supposed to do that with someone else.

i'm sorry

tomorrow i'll feel the same again.

introvert v. extrovert: i'd rather be alone most days

until i'm with people, and then i never want to leave.

i know. i'm messed up.

what i need is a mudfight

but maybe a random dwarf will show up at my doorstep

with my favorite rubber toy as a child.

it was a bug.

i made it a bed, and it lived on my desk.

and his name was Buggy.

and we lived happily-ever-after

until i lost him.

and then i was sad.

i need to go take a shower.

if i had a license i would go for a drive and find somewhere random

to draw silly pictures.

and read a book in a bookstore that smells of coffee

but i don't...so i can't...so i won't.

have a beautiful day.

mine will be spent reading Lord of the Flies.

{a moment of sadness}

christmas eve.

every year it comes around...it's a day for best friends.

can i tell you about this christmas eve?

would that be strange, seeing as it's already the 26th? i hope it's not strange for you because i'm still so happy. and although old memories assaulted me occasionally, some tender and some...painful; i have made new ones. and they are lovely.

the day began with aaron and megan opening our gifts to them and their gifts to us. because my family is strange and we celebrate everything early this year; thanksgiving and now christmas. it's all good. we're whites. {refrain from racist comments please.} haha

i was...stressed and uneasy to say the least. seth's christmas present was a unique one and i was worried that i would mess it all up.

because i wrote him a song.

maybe someday you will hear it but i find that unlikely. it's his and his alone and even though i will be recording it for him to keep...that's just it. it'll be for him to keep.

so i drove illegally to pick him up and played it for him at the stake center, on their beautiful grand with the yellowed keys. he didn't seem to mind the illegal part. if anything i truly think he was relieved at my driving. if my memory serves correctly, he had just been out driving with his younger brother. despite what you all may recall, i am actually a pretty decent driver.

i messed up. but i played it for him twice through, and...it was the right christmas present. fitting.

later that day he gave his present{s} to me. if it weren't a public blog i might say i'm in love. oopsy! haha. I now have my very own treasure box, pre-filled with treasures and hopefully...soon...one of them will permanently hang on my wall. a picture of Our North Star.

the rest of the day was beautiful. imagine having a baby in the home, to hold and comfort whenever you please. it made me want to be a mother...so badly.

but those years are a ways away. and i can contain my baby hunger. even if it must be five years away {which to me...seems...very far away right now. but maybe that's just it. the Lord is always thinking up new ways to help me be more patient.} i can make it.

and then a very timely phone call. and soon thereafter we had some delightful plans to go caroling with the mason family! oh i was so excited.

and for good reason.

it was a beautiful. singing, the harmonies, the christmas lights. being with seth, laughter. my attempts to escape being whitewashed {which i fear once the next snow falls may be inevitable...eeps!}, watching the small children run around excitedly to every door that they saw, the awkwardness of choosing the next song, difficult and accidental key changes, exciting icy driveways, seeing floating lanterns. seeing how the singing seemed to brighten the smiles of others. oh and i got to meet seth's older brother at last.

it's strange, i don't think i could ever explain the happiness i felt that night. it was one of the closest times i have felt to celestial happiness in my entire lifetime. something about even just being near seth...his family, singing, snow and loveliness...

how could life have ever been any better?

a goodnight hug and the night was concluded, sweetly.

i never forgot though, whose birthday it was. i hope that wherever he is, he finds happiness. but yes, i wish never to see him again. and although some would say that is...a betrayal. but it was different. one person can help a friend while only harming another. although i won't say which was done to me...maybe both, i feel that it would be best...if no contact were ever to be made.

i'm sorry if that hurts him. or her. but i refuse to be manipulated. i refuse to change for another.

and instead of playing his song that day, the one he taught her, but only i remembered...

i played a new one. one of hope. one of peace. one of purity and love.

a song of happiness.

embrace.

have you ever thought about how beautiful a hug can be?

a hug from a friend who knows you have had a bad day.

that one tight squeeze just for kicks, but makes you warm and fuzzy anyway

the hug that lingers longer than anyone else thinks is comfortable, but you never want to let go.

hugs that end with arms still touching, or his hands on her waist.

simple moments where nothing seems to say it, but that hug.

good days made fantastic by them.

hugs that lift you into the air with excitement

then those kind that kind of just...hold you together when everything else, falls apart.

happiness is the hug of a friend, a best friend. and...

...it's beautiful.

{post script: photo borrowed from this wonderful girl's blog}