life is sneaky.

yes. i know it is passed midnight.

but after talking on the phone with a friend tonight it kind of hit me. i'm living the life i never thought i'd see. all my guys basically have their mission calls. my best friend who's a girl is now officially married. i'm an aunt. i'm less than a year away from my own mission {hopefully, fingers crossed}.

it's all just kind of...crazy.

i mean, i could be married in two and a half years. seriously. and a kid in at least four.

what?

that was not in the plan so soon. i wasn't going to get married for another four years. my whole life snuck up on me and i didn't even realize it.

and right now...i'm almost not sure what to do with myself. where did the time go? i have to get my wisdom teeth out soon? no!

of bridal showers and motorcycle rides

today was a wonderful day.

i drove on the freeway completely confident, went to one of my best friends' bridal shower, then came home {listening to EFY music just so you know} and not even five minutes after getting home from that, my best friend with the motorcycle shows up!

we talked and then he gave me a ride up and around my neighborhood. i loved the feel of the wind on my arms and the feeling that the only thing keeping me from flying away were my own arms holding on tightly around his waist. i loved it when he called me a "bobble-head" because his helmet is a bit too large and heavy for my own head. i love his hair after it's worn that helmet and it's all flattened and soft looking. and i love him.

and even if that is the only good that i have today, it will have been an absolutely wonderful day. i am lucky to have so many good people in my life. i hope they all know how truly blessed i feel.

honesty, criticism, reality.

i'm a horrible person.

{yay for stupid-me and what-have-i-done-now posts. this is one of those. it will probably be deleted within the next 24 hrs so read while you still can.}

but i am.

and sometimes i just want others to admit it too. but not in an angry way. why can't people have conversations like:

"hi. i'm a horrible person. i enjoyed pulling the legs off of flies when i was little. they were still alive."

and then they answer

"wow. you really are a horrible person."

or maybe:

"well hello. will you please line up for me to break your heart? i won't mean to, but i'm a complete realist and if you don't fit the bill...bzzzp! you'r out."

"well that's just dumb. why would anyone sign up for that?"

honesty never killed anyone. it certainly hasn't killed me yet, and i am a firm believer in giving and taking it.

for example, today my mom told me:

"if you constantly push people away, they're going to come to expect that. and they will never come back. you can't treat people like plastic bags, saving them only for when you need them. that's selfish."

{those weren't her exact words...but rather what i heard. isn't is funny how sometimes our thoughts are much more eloquent? and harsh.}

but i agree.

and if you are one of those people...

i am so sorry.




i will be better.

she's gettin' hitched!

one of my best friends is now engaged. slightly unexpected, yes. even now i'm not entirely sure how to react although i am very happy for the both of them.

secretly i hope she asks me to be one of her brides maids. that would be lovely. and i know that once the shock wears off, you will easily find me bouncing off the walls like the aunts in "my big fat greek wedding". no joke.

but secretly i regret that i have not already served my mission and could go inside the temple with her. i think i shall regret this more than anything. you don't really realize what you are missing when your own siblings are getting married but now...

then when i really get down and think about it again, i am super excited! life is just plowing on ahead and yes, it will take us by surprise sometimes but it is all just so wonderful. i can hardly wait to see her in her wedding dress on that day. to watch her as she starts her family and her married life {just as long as she doesn't forget her single friends!}, and all of life's events now coming at her. yes, i'm so excited. it is proof that life is simply full of wonderful surprises.

although...it's really weird to realize that she is only three months older than me. makes me wonder...

who's next? surely not...me?

but just like i know that this special young lady would never marry just anyone, neither would i. so if i do find myself marrying sooner than i could expect in my five year plan, then so be it. besides, i think it will be fun some day when all my friends and i are married and we sit around on someone's back porch and talk about how wonderfully happy we truly have become.

so yeah, gettin' hitched doesn't sound too bad! {kidding mom! you don't need to worry about me anytime soon}

homecoming

today i went to one of my brother's best friend's homecoming. their family and my family used to have gospel discussions on our back porch. his dad was my sunday-school teacher twice and his sister, was one of my best and only friends during those years living there.

and so we went back today, after nearly two years {for me at least}. and it was crazy how easy it was to talk to some people, and how ridiculously hard it was to talk to others {still}. when we moved i was so confused and angry, i think i blamed it on anything and everything and i forgot that it wasn't their fault. so i'm sorry.

it was strange being able to talk to one kid who i know {back in the day}, he liked me...and honestly, i really liked him too {even if he was a bit rude and teased me and flirted in a way i didn't understand}. but talking to him and my other friends today, being able to finally have let myself grow up, become happy...

it was wonderful.

i felt free and relaxed and confident {most of the time}. and i'm not really sure why i was ever nervous to visit them. maybe we all really have just grown up a bit. maybe people do change for the better. and maybe we make judgments and never bother to fix them, and end up living our lives in the darkness of bitterness. and i'm sorry.

and i'm so glad that he's back from his mission. and i'm glad i've finally learned to let go. and i'm really glad the people i was dreading to see weren't even there. and i'm glad to have made new friends in people is didn't like, and remembered friends in old ones.

it was a lovely experience.

summer nights

i feel as if my summer has gone by in weekends, not full weeks. because when i'm with him? that is when i am happiest.

we hiked to the top of the payson mountain and watched the sunset, just like our first real date. the one i wrote in my journal about...the time when i realized some important things might really change for me that year. they did.

it's been odd going to the same activities that i did last summer, this time i know the people a lot better. they have become my friends. and one of them told me the other night that...although he may never see me again, he wanted me to know that he respects me.

and sometimes it makes me wish we could live our lives full of summer nights, where nothing changes and time stands still for just a while.

because i'm really going to miss them all. so much...

we watched fireworks, my friends and i. they were beautiful and the boom they made my chest was lovely. i think i will make it a tradition to go watch those fireworks, but always with friends. i think they make it the best.

afterward we went and got ice cream. since the soft ice cream was closed {bummer} we got a large tub of cookies'n'cream. best decision ever. and then we ate it on a friend's front lawn, talking and laughing. i wish more than anything to always remember those nights. because even when things aren't perfect...they're still so beautiful.

and then i watched the beginning of the meteor shower. and there were so many of them, and yes i missed some and he missed some but we caught some together. and i don't know what it is...but it's one of those things that makes life so wonderful.

and maybe i need a squirt gun...

but i have never been happier.

365 posts

this is an odd experience for me. today i realized that i have 364 posts, and no more drafts because i deleted them all. which makes this one the 365th one. so...if you started reading today and only read one post a day, it would take you only a year to go through nearly three years of my life via posts.

strange that i've been at this for so long. admittedly i've changed the URL at least twice and the blog design itself probably at least twenty times but in the end it's all the same words. it's still just me...just kaylla.

and it's kind of like that quote:

"Funny how day by day nothing changes but looking back, everything's changed."

and it's so true. i still feel like kaylla. but i know that so much has changed i couldn't even hope to put my finger on all of the things. i've been broken and put back together. i've been burned and then healed. i've laughed and i've cried. i've found love a few times and lost it too. i've moved a couple times and made new friends. i've discovered friends in unlikely places and then just as unexpectedly lost them again. most importantly i have grown.

i've grown from a young girl of innocent dreams to a young woman of tall hopes. i've grown in love for my Savior and His true gospel. i've fallen in love with life and sunshine. i've discovered music in my very soul and beauty in the smile of those around me.

i know it will only keep going like this and i'm honestly so very, very excited. i'm excited where the next few years may take me. i know i will end up happy in the end although life may not go according to plan.

we can only hope our plans fall through...and many of them won't. but some of them will. i hope that in two years i will meet up with my best friend and we'll be able to honestly see where to go from there. i hope to serve a mission...and i'm pretty darn tootin' sure i'm gonna. i hope that in about four years...ish...i will be starting my own little family. i hope to be able to graduate from USU. i hope to have adventures and to see this beautiful country on my little excursions {join me sometime!}

i'll make it.

i've got the rest of my life ahead of me. i have nothing in my way to stop me but myself. life is so incredibly open to me that i couldn't possibly do anything but smile and share that happiness every single day with those around me.

so see you around

{picture 1...a long time ago..., picture 2 - sophomore year, picture three - summer of 2011, picture 4 - same and picture 5 - graduation}


{wink.}

"i've been trying to decide all week whether or not to paint my toe nails red."

he just smiled at me and chuckled.

i'm not sure if he found it funny because of the color choice

or if it was because of how long it was taking me to make the decision.

it's those quirky little things that we love about each other i guess.

life is simple and beautiful.

oh and by the way. i painted them red today.

we'll see if i like it tomorrow.

{smile.}

Boat Song

i showed my best friend this song yesterday. its been one of my favorites for a while. i love this artist too. she's got beautiful tunes. and i haven't heard any sad ones from her...which for some reason makes me really like her. and yesterday was just a sun-shiny day. i loved it.

one sec. here's the song.

this song is what i think love feels like. simple but absolutely true. not selfish, and never deceiving. love is kind and gentle. love is talking for hours with your best friend and never running out of things to say and being loved for all those thoughts and words, especially when no one understood before. love is music and learning to play the guitar. love is going to church every week and realizing that even though you're scared of what that future might bring...you hope in your heart of hearts that someday you'll be that young couple with children all over the place and you still sit next to each other, holding hands.

love isn't meant to make you worried that you're always doing something wrong.

it's there to help you grow and to let you be free...and...happy.

maybe that's why everyone wants to be in love. because God always wanted us to be happy. and the ultimate happiness is found when you want to give your all to only God and him.

i think that maybe...that is love.

lifeguard candybar story

here's an interesting story that i remembered recently.

when little girls in my religion are about 8-11 they have this church group that prepares them for a more intense and older version of the same thing. basically girls who live in the same area of the same religion get together to work on a religious packet...thing.

well my group once went and sat on the ground in front of the closest temple, mt. timpanogos. there our activity-day leader brought out a wide collection/variety of candy bars. she told each of us to choose one, our favorite one. i can't quite remember but if we wanna be honest, i probably grabbed a butterfinger...but for some strange reason i remember a red wrapper.

anyway. one by one she told each of the girls to lift that extra flap where the ingredients and stuff like that is listed. under each one was a description of a man. each one was unique, differing occupations, physiques, character and religious involvement. as each girl opened hers, the others would comment. they would coo jealously or lovingly snicker when one girl got the chubby but rich dude.

i was a little bit of an odd-ball. i was also really nervous to read mine. i guess you could say i was a little bit of a little miss contrary. i didn't know what i wanted either.

so when i opened mine and a strong, toned and tan, tall dark handsome life-guard guy with a strong testimony was described, i went red in the face. i didn't want him. anyone but him. all the girls wanted mine. and honestly i said they could have him, i just wanted the butterfinger. i quietly joked that since i didn't even know how to swim {still don't by the way...meh} that guy in real life would never even take a second look at me. they girl-comforted me and moved on the the next person.

although the idea of an actually attractive guy caring about me weirded me out at that time in my life...it doesn't now. back then i expected to marry some nerd who held his hands at his side awkwardly. but if figured, if i fell in love with him...he'd be perfect. now as i realize that my best friend is all of what that candy-bar predicted except the occupation isn't that, rather a sport he loves and is really good at.

it's just kind of crazy, y'know? the first man i've ever really gotten to know like this...

there's my interesting, odd, candy-bar love story. wow, you don't use those words in the same sentence very often.

can we be friends?

i should ask that to a complete stranger. see what they say.

but that would be really, really scary. but right now? i feel like i could do it.

guess i'm in an impossible mood. and considering my mood change...well...hm.

either i'm in love or my hormones are off balance. or both. probably both (:

and the fact that i'm listening to one direction? definitely says i'm in a good mood. i hate them.


oh and my mom, sister and i re-arranged our front room yesterday. it's really open now.

perfect for awkward visitors.

we removed the TV, deciding we didn't want that as the center of our focus anymore.

i didn't realize how addicted i was to it until today when i'm bored it's the natural thing for me to lean toward.

disgusting i know. stop it. i berate myself enough.

and my mom got a piano bench for my piano (: it matches. it's beautiful

oh and did i mention that my best friend got a certain big white envelope yesterday?

to bad he's not in town to open it. ;P haha, sucker.

any guesses?


my mom and i were discussing money today, and more specifically...college.

i'm so excited! if i'm frugal....i can do this.

it's gonna be hard, and i know i'm late but better late than never right?


my life might not be as stuck in the rut as i felt like it was.

maybe i'll be able to travel the world and learn their languages and cultures.

maybe i'll be able to get my own nice camera like Jordon and Lilly.

maybe i'll be able to do all that i ever wanted.

i just need to work hard, pray, love and trust.

with that...what can possibly stand in my way?


and maybe.... i'll have the courage to ask a stranger to be my friend.

i heard someone crying

i saw this play yesterday at the Hale. it was beautiful and wonderful. this is my favorite song. it gives me the chills...for some strange reason. the way they did this part was with these moving doorways and all three are wandering "the halls" but never see or meet each other. it was hauntingly beautiful.

the high soprano, the child's voice and the strong male...it's perfectly balanced and well done. just...beautiful. Thank you Papa Miller for inviting us to come with you and for the tickets. we all loved it so much. i wish i could watch it over and over again. i think i just might become as obsessed with the music as i did with Jekyll & Hyde.

i love musicals. they...they are very rejuvenating. ha, i know, strange word but really. i think it was just what i needed this week.

you should go see it if ever you get the chance.

hold my hand.

sometimes...there are moments in our life that make everything just, collide. everything in the universe just comes together in that one brief moment

and you're happy.

so happy that it's just....joyous. you feel the love for that person just overcoming you. you want to hold them and never let go. they are your best friend and you theirs and your wants and desires no longer matter because honestly...they are all in hoping and serving and helping their hopes and dreams come true, and it's beautiful because they feel the same way too...

and all you did...?

was finally hold his hand.

a surprise with a ride

that's my best friend for you.

yup, he would. he would come riding up on his motorcycle after making me think he'd already left. he came, just to say goodbye to me...like he said he would. like i thought he wouldn't be able to.

the silly...silly boy.

and that?

that is why i love him.

well, (: not just that.

In Memory

today my family went to the cemeteries in provo and orem to go visit my grandma. my best friend and i had gone on saturday to pick out the flowers. the day before was rainy and cold. but today? it was perfect, a day like those that my grandma loved.

we cleared the overgrowing grass from around the gravestones and told brief memories that we shared and loved. we walked about and commented on the designs of other graves. one had both a husband and a wife...and they were both still alive! another had a tree on it, that was very beautiful.

it is so peaceful in the cemetery. last tuesday {the 22nd}, seth and i went to the salem cemetery. it was so quiet and dark and peaceful. i hope we didn't disturb anyone there with our talking and occasional laughter. we found a card that had lost its grave. it was simple, but so sweet.

something about graves, the people gone and the people here now and the people someday to come...it's an incredible all-encompassing circle.

one funny moment from today. we were talking about parking the car and that word was stuck in my head, so when i asked where my great-grandparents were i asked "where are they parked?" instead of "where are they burried?" everyone seemed to find it quite humorous.

it made me sad though...i believe i missed my friend's goodbye. he's left today you see. he will be working this summer to pay for his mission up and away north of here. really far north. i miss him already, knowing that he isn't as close as he usually is. but my thoughts are reaching out to him, and i know that sometimes...we'll be thinking about one another at the same time. he is doing the right thing, and that makes everything so much better.

and maybe, someday...

things will turn out the way we hope.

i stood beside my grandpa's memory cross in the orem cemetery as well. i am so grateful for those who have served our country, including him.

without them, i wouldn't have the freedoms that i do have today. and watching the flag go up on the day of my high school graduation...it's incredible. it's beautiful. and i am eternally grateful to those men and women who have sacrificed their lives for it. i hope that i can honor them by being worthy of keeping it.

so happy memorial day. and may God bless you.

a story in pictures: graduation

stories in books are often boring without pictures. and since there's nothing much to tell about this story other than...it happened! i will show you my collages of it and hope you enjoy.

so...ONCE UPON A TIME...

THE END

or is it?

waiting.

four years and five months. i can wait. i know i can. he's my best friend.

i can see it being really hard. and at those hard times looking at his picture...wherever i may have it with me {not sure how i'm going to do that one but i'll work it out}and thinking of all the love that we share. thinking of how he is truly the best friend i have ever had here on earth. the only person i trust more than him? is the Lord.

someday, i want to wear a white dress and come walking out of those doors. i want to have my bride's maids wearing whatever they can find that's blue and yellow. i want lots of white and peach colored roses and a simple and easy wedding reception.

i want to have small children, clean their sticky hands and teach them all that i know to be true. i want to teach them to discover and to create and to become. i want to be that mother who is kind and gentle and loving.

someday i want to grow old and die. i want to die not a moment before him and as soon as possible after him, so that we are never far apart.

maybe this is...difficult to imagine me saying this. i know i have been changing and fickle before. i know i have said i have fallen in love before. but never has anyone brought out the good in me more than him. never has anyone been worthy to make me feel so happy as i do.

and so? i'm waiting. although without a promise...i am waiting.

and while i am waiting, i'll be living and learning and growing. and loving. always loving him.

always.

positive attitudes

yes. it's basically midnight.

no. i'm not done packing.

but my mom just said something...that made me smile. and i honestly don't know what i'd do without her positive attitude sometimes.

she told me, with how fast this year has gone, two years will go just as fast. i corrected her, telling her that it wasn't two years, it's five.

then she said: "no, it's not. it's only four and a half now."

i love her.

and four and a half years? compared with eternity? i can do this. we can do this.

PS - going on choir tour tomorrow...that's why i'm up so late packing. should have packed yesterday. yah, i know. but guess what? i get to see the ocean.

but i'm going to miss my family and my best friend.

but i'll be home soon.

love you,

always.

apology

i have to finish a semester of Health in three weeks.

i am currently in a play, with very complicated choreography

i am studying for my upcoming AP Lit exam

i have a test in Poli Sci next week

i'm preocupied with finding time to spend with my friends, and best friend

i'm kinda distracted by another blog i'm working on

i get to go to California for four days

i might be a little bit busy for the next while.

this is my apology, if in case you don't hear from me in a while.

sorry.

my love

don't forget me, my love

i'll always be here,

don't leave me, my love

our paths are quite clear

these arms are yours my love

do not fear

hold me and never let go, my love

if i could, i would my dear

my love, my love, my love...

will you be my love?

forever?