summer nights

i feel as if my summer has gone by in weekends, not full weeks. because when i'm with him? that is when i am happiest.

we hiked to the top of the payson mountain and watched the sunset, just like our first real date. the one i wrote in my journal about...the time when i realized some important things might really change for me that year. they did.

it's been odd going to the same activities that i did last summer, this time i know the people a lot better. they have become my friends. and one of them told me the other night that...although he may never see me again, he wanted me to know that he respects me.

and sometimes it makes me wish we could live our lives full of summer nights, where nothing changes and time stands still for just a while.

because i'm really going to miss them all. so much...

we watched fireworks, my friends and i. they were beautiful and the boom they made my chest was lovely. i think i will make it a tradition to go watch those fireworks, but always with friends. i think they make it the best.

afterward we went and got ice cream. since the soft ice cream was closed {bummer} we got a large tub of cookies'n'cream. best decision ever. and then we ate it on a friend's front lawn, talking and laughing. i wish more than anything to always remember those nights. because even when things aren't perfect...they're still so beautiful.

and then i watched the beginning of the meteor shower. and there were so many of them, and yes i missed some and he missed some but we caught some together. and i don't know what it is...but it's one of those things that makes life so wonderful.

and maybe i need a squirt gun...

but i have never been happier.

the singles ward experience.

i was sick that morning, so i went to the singles ward later in the day with my sister so that i wouldn't miss sacrament. it was an odd decision for me to make but now i see that it was a necessary one.

honestly i can say that i was definitely a bit creeped out by all of the older men making eyes at the younger females. new meat. innocent hearts to break. not gonna lie, it must be really enticing for certain types of the male specimen. not a type i am looking forward to befriending in any way.

my sister and i exchanged short notes during the talks. mine mostly made comments on my extreme fear of the balding males and giggling females. i was definitely right about my deep-seated fear about singles wards. hazardous grounds were we on. tread carefully we must. avert thine eyes ye precious unbroken hearts.

save yourselves while you still can!

it was later in the meeting when a lone stranger {almost hairless} came in search of his scriptures on our row and afterward decided to seat himself next to me. terrified, i let him but was wary to have any contact. i removed my purse on the other side of me so i could slyly scoot closer to my sister and to safety.

he briefly mentioned something about the music and then afterward we talked a bit more. i felt so awkward. i was so out of place in this older people's zone. i wanted to put my little kid antics on and run away, shouting i hate dresses and silly people. of course i couldn't though and eventually he asked for my number and mentioned/asked if we could possibly go out some time. i was shocked.

does this normally happen on a girl's first time to the single's ward? were my thoughts.

and now almost a week later, after the date and after the whole experience is over...i am thankful. who would have expected that? i know why us young'ns are encouraged to date around, find what we do and do not like about people. i have discovered many things that i don't like, and recognized that multiple have those things which i do like.

but for the record: i like hair, i like being right - even {if not especially when i am wrong}, i like reasoning and sound minds, and i like peace and quiet - not always searching for songs on the radio {because i believe that silence...is beautiful too.}

and this statement is not a criticism....rather me just taking note.

oh and i don't really care for coldstone ice-creams. but then i already knew that one.

can we be friends?

i should ask that to a complete stranger. see what they say.

but that would be really, really scary. but right now? i feel like i could do it.

guess i'm in an impossible mood. and considering my mood change...well...hm.

either i'm in love or my hormones are off balance. or both. probably both (:

and the fact that i'm listening to one direction? definitely says i'm in a good mood. i hate them.


oh and my mom, sister and i re-arranged our front room yesterday. it's really open now.

perfect for awkward visitors.

we removed the TV, deciding we didn't want that as the center of our focus anymore.

i didn't realize how addicted i was to it until today when i'm bored it's the natural thing for me to lean toward.

disgusting i know. stop it. i berate myself enough.

and my mom got a piano bench for my piano (: it matches. it's beautiful

oh and did i mention that my best friend got a certain big white envelope yesterday?

to bad he's not in town to open it. ;P haha, sucker.

any guesses?


my mom and i were discussing money today, and more specifically...college.

i'm so excited! if i'm frugal....i can do this.

it's gonna be hard, and i know i'm late but better late than never right?


my life might not be as stuck in the rut as i felt like it was.

maybe i'll be able to travel the world and learn their languages and cultures.

maybe i'll be able to get my own nice camera like Jordon and Lilly.

maybe i'll be able to do all that i ever wanted.

i just need to work hard, pray, love and trust.

with that...what can possibly stand in my way?


and maybe.... i'll have the courage to ask a stranger to be my friend.

i heard someone crying

i saw this play yesterday at the Hale. it was beautiful and wonderful. this is my favorite song. it gives me the chills...for some strange reason. the way they did this part was with these moving doorways and all three are wandering "the halls" but never see or meet each other. it was hauntingly beautiful.

the high soprano, the child's voice and the strong male...it's perfectly balanced and well done. just...beautiful. Thank you Papa Miller for inviting us to come with you and for the tickets. we all loved it so much. i wish i could watch it over and over again. i think i just might become as obsessed with the music as i did with Jekyll & Hyde.

i love musicals. they...they are very rejuvenating. ha, i know, strange word but really. i think it was just what i needed this week.

you should go see it if ever you get the chance.

hold my hand.

sometimes...there are moments in our life that make everything just, collide. everything in the universe just comes together in that one brief moment

and you're happy.

so happy that it's just....joyous. you feel the love for that person just overcoming you. you want to hold them and never let go. they are your best friend and you theirs and your wants and desires no longer matter because honestly...they are all in hoping and serving and helping their hopes and dreams come true, and it's beautiful because they feel the same way too...

and all you did...?

was finally hold his hand.

a surprise with a ride

that's my best friend for you.

yup, he would. he would come riding up on his motorcycle after making me think he'd already left. he came, just to say goodbye to me...like he said he would. like i thought he wouldn't be able to.

the silly...silly boy.

and that?

that is why i love him.

well, (: not just that.

In Memory

today my family went to the cemeteries in provo and orem to go visit my grandma. my best friend and i had gone on saturday to pick out the flowers. the day before was rainy and cold. but today? it was perfect, a day like those that my grandma loved.

we cleared the overgrowing grass from around the gravestones and told brief memories that we shared and loved. we walked about and commented on the designs of other graves. one had both a husband and a wife...and they were both still alive! another had a tree on it, that was very beautiful.

it is so peaceful in the cemetery. last tuesday {the 22nd}, seth and i went to the salem cemetery. it was so quiet and dark and peaceful. i hope we didn't disturb anyone there with our talking and occasional laughter. we found a card that had lost its grave. it was simple, but so sweet.

something about graves, the people gone and the people here now and the people someday to come...it's an incredible all-encompassing circle.

one funny moment from today. we were talking about parking the car and that word was stuck in my head, so when i asked where my great-grandparents were i asked "where are they parked?" instead of "where are they burried?" everyone seemed to find it quite humorous.

it made me sad though...i believe i missed my friend's goodbye. he's left today you see. he will be working this summer to pay for his mission up and away north of here. really far north. i miss him already, knowing that he isn't as close as he usually is. but my thoughts are reaching out to him, and i know that sometimes...we'll be thinking about one another at the same time. he is doing the right thing, and that makes everything so much better.

and maybe, someday...

things will turn out the way we hope.

i stood beside my grandpa's memory cross in the orem cemetery as well. i am so grateful for those who have served our country, including him.

without them, i wouldn't have the freedoms that i do have today. and watching the flag go up on the day of my high school graduation...it's incredible. it's beautiful. and i am eternally grateful to those men and women who have sacrificed their lives for it. i hope that i can honor them by being worthy of keeping it.

so happy memorial day. and may God bless you.

a story in pictures: graduation

stories in books are often boring without pictures. and since there's nothing much to tell about this story other than...it happened! i will show you my collages of it and hope you enjoy.

so...ONCE UPON A TIME...

THE END

or is it?

life is still beautiful

i know my last post was rather dramatic and depressing. but i promise you, that was one post and as of recently, my life has been filled with warm sunny spring days and happiness.

as of recent:

- i started the tedious process of finally getting my license (shocker!)

- there is no longer an odd scent about my room because it is pristine clean

- beautiful curtains were hung in my bedroom (pictures soon anyone?)

- speaking of pictures, my brothers gave me a camera for my birthday. seriously?

- i've started a collection of dizzy squares. i'm almost done though. cough.

- i have held bunny rabits. baby ones. so cute and fluffy! precious.

- played soccer on the most beautiful green grass

- thew grass at my friend and in their holey shirt. silly silly.

- finished the first quarter of my online health class (yay!)

- begun writing in my journal yet again. why did i ever stop? i've missed it.

- listened to wonderful music

- played the guitar

- oh and very, very wonderful... i have slept in!

just a taste of my life recently.

PS. did I mention i'm in love? maybe that's hard to believe because i've always been in love, with life, with people. but believe it or not...i am in love with him. i hope that you will meet him someday. maybe. maybe not. that's okay.

he's my best friend. and the whole world can know it - i love him.

positive attitudes

yes. it's basically midnight.

no. i'm not done packing.

but my mom just said something...that made me smile. and i honestly don't know what i'd do without her positive attitude sometimes.

she told me, with how fast this year has gone, two years will go just as fast. i corrected her, telling her that it wasn't two years, it's five.

then she said: "no, it's not. it's only four and a half now."

i love her.

and four and a half years? compared with eternity? i can do this. we can do this.

PS - going on choir tour tomorrow...that's why i'm up so late packing. should have packed yesterday. yah, i know. but guess what? i get to see the ocean.

but i'm going to miss my family and my best friend.

but i'll be home soon.

love you,

always.

lovely afternoon, lovely day.

i may have skipped 4th period today. but that's fine; study hall is basically just falling asleep in the library waiting for the bell to ring anyhow. and i wasn't feeling so great either.

and then seth told me he was going to radioshack. so i went along.

mr bohling saw us heading out which was slightly funny. i've heard he's such a stickler for the rules but i'm pretty sure he knew we were "sluffing." he still let us go. oh fun (:

so we were off.

with laughs and a warm day to enjoy away from the tightness and restrictions of school we laughed to our heart's content.

we saw an old car (probably from the 50s, and original...not a remake) and it was so shiny and beautiful! we decided we would drive back the same way, just to see it again.

at radioshack we didn't find anything that he was looking for, sadly. but that's okay. it was still worth it.

on our way back we drove by the car again...only this time we took a detour and got this creeper picture. {yes, he is such a wonderful boy...he drove back just for me when i remembered i had my camera}. the most wonderful part of all was watching the old couple who got inside of it, the old man opening the door for his wife and then ever so slowly climbing into the front seat to drive. people like them, they inspire me.

i may have practiced a little more my creeping skills. he didn't know i was taking this picture. until that is, i was laughing for no apparent reason and then he looked down into my lap where my camera was happily snapping away. i caught his smile. this picture makes me so happy.

oh and then we stopped and got 40 cent ice cream {yes, it went from 38 to 40 cents. rip off.} haha and it was warm this time? i love getting ice cream with him. he always finishes first. he bit off the bottom and sucked the melting cream through the back and then finished it off that way. i was shocked. who does that?! he does. i love it.

we went back to school and we talked in the hallway. i sat down on the floor because i felt...sick...{i didn't want to lose my ice cream cone.} but then Seth gave me a ride home.

it was quite lovely.

and that evening was lovely and wonderful as well. Peter Pan, pizza, puzzles...poking...i just realized that...they are start with "P". hm. yes, it was quite the lovely day.

an adventure of peaches

peaches.

that dark corner of that red-carpeted basement.

the treasures of taste, hidden there.

a tickle of desire

and we were off, another adventure

turning on the light - reaching around the corner to find the light switch

walking underneath the ancient looking tapestry

past the sturdy furniture, scratchy

toes sneaking across the stiff red carpet

avoiding eye contact with the dolls in the glass case against the wall

entering into the cool darkness of the storage room,

where lie the large, stark, foreboding washer and dryer machines - noisy

crouching in the darkness through the maze of shelves, searching

aha. found.

dashing from the gut of that darkness and back into the light

grandma served us the peaches.

because i'm proud of him.

you know that boy that i'm always talking about? yah that one.

yes. the one that stole my heart.

it's okay. i said he could.

anyway.

well he's an incredible swimmer. in fact, he's going to state.

i went to our region's swim meet on the 20th and 21st.

he placed first with a time of 22.74 sec on the 50 free (pic 1)

placing second in the 100 free (but i forgot the time...he was like...miliseconds after the first guy though. video (: mute it. my voice is uhm...loud. he's in lane 4 (the one that's ahead the whole time till the last...moment.)

and then the relay. 49.97 100 free relay split.

yes i know. he's incredible.

what i love most about swim as a sport - especially at SHHS - is that the focus is beating your own record, not that of those you are competing against. i like it that way. a lot.

oh and please...no one comment on the lack of shirts. yes, i'm well aware of this fact. it is a swim meet after all

it was an exciting new experience. i love learning new things about different sports and going places i honestly never would have expected to go. after all i don't even know how to swim myself. but that's okay. someone incredible is going to teach me how...when we have time.

honestly. i've never been happier. in my entire life. or more content.

life is just good.

thanks for reading my brag on my best friend. he deserves a major fist pump.

and if you want, come watch the state competition feb 3rd and 4th at BYU

i for one am definitely going to be there. at least for three certain events.

see you there!

snowy

woke up early on accident and saw the snow

i felt a big gulp of excitement and made a phone call

as soon as was acceptable

we hiked up the canyon by our neighborhood

no whitewashing occurred

but many happy thoughts and lovely moments

we made plants and branches lose their snowy coats

and observed deer-tracks

and talked about love and hope and faith

we slipped and slid up hill at first

and then downhill

we sang "my favorite things"

we threw snow at each other and laughed

i think this snow is wonderful.

i'm in love.

blissfully awkward evenings

let's discuss the first part of the day first. january sixth.

well...i was exhausted but a miracle occurred. my extra credit assignment that i thought was due by the end of the day? not due for another week. good thing i didn't stay up till two am doing that one. but because i found out a little late? i got to spend some time studying with a friend in the library. psh, singers v. library...hands down i know i made the right choice.

so after school i got ready for a friend's reception...and when i use the word friend, know that it is quite the loose term. i had never met the bride or groom in any form...other than the internet. no i am not a stalker. yes, i do have stalker-like tendencies; following meg's blog for example. but who cares, i got the invite and if people aren't serious about inviting you to their wedding, then they wouldn't send invites. who cares. i got a hug. it was sweet.

my mom and i walked in and it was beautiful. it looked at first like there might be the hint of a possible dance floor later? but we didn't stay long enough to find out sadly. there was beautiful colors all over and the bride looked absolutely, classically beautiful. i think it's the new thing: short dresses. personally...i see myself wearing an empire-waisted gown with a lace overly but that's just me.

i recognized at least three or so people there. some more or less pleasant, others cordially avoided. funny how small of a world it can be sometimes. funny how uncomfortable that makes me feel sometimes. i felt slightly out of place, so many cutely fashioned young misses but that's okay. i got a hug from my favorite blogger and she appeared to recognize my name {?} or maybe i'm just...pulling my own leg. ha.

we snacked from the chocolate fountain briefly and then smartly disappeared. adventure quest accomplished. too bad brittani and chloe weren't there. they would have made it even more "blissfully awkward". more of the blissful part.

on the drive home i slowly got more and more excited as we got closer home. i was excited to hang out with my friends after the reception is all.

okay maybe that's not all, my best friend was going to be there. no big deal.

so my friend {sweet as he is} picked me up {why are my friends so wonderful? i didn't even have to ask for a ride. really? call me blessed because i am.} and we watched this movie called Oscar. it was an older one and it was Absolutely Hilarious. too bad most of our friends had to leave early but that's okay, one other joined our troops late. better late then never right?

{probably shouldn't have mentioned the french kiss inside joke, a mistake i truly am sorry for. i dislike being a thorn in someone's side. and i know...this will only make sense to one person, but that is fine. that's all it is for.}

it ended on a good note though. i'll just leave it there...except for the one fact...i'm slowly realizing what this song was saying. slowly...because maybe i'm a bit more cautious in love sometimes than i let on.

but every time he walks in a room and i turn and see him, i cannot help but smile. he makes me so blissfully happy. he never pulls me down in any way. he lets me help him too when he's had a rough day. and i love him. always will.

so it was a wonderful night.

and i'm in love with those hugs.

and him.

just sayin'.

{post script} i don't know if they could hear me but while two of my friends were talking outside i was messing around on my other friend's piano. but i couldn't play my most recent song...it was strange.

tutus and a guy in tights...?

{as promised: a post about the Nutcracker}

so i have never seen the Nutcracker up until this point in my life which is strange because i have known quite a few girls who dance ballet and who have been in it, even starred in it i believe. but last saturday was the first time i saw it.

it was beautiful.

i love to see the flowly snow fairy skirts. that part was probably my favorite part in all. not to mention my best friend's little sister did an incredible job. i really am so admiring of her, so beautiful. she has the perfect dancer figure, tall and slender with beautiful arms. it was...yes, beautiful.

like i mentioned, it was my best friend's little sister's performance however he himself was in it too which was neat to see. no, he's not a ballerino {haha} but they needed some extra boys for the party scene in the beginning {apparently less boys dance ballet than girls and they were short on men, go figure} and that was cool. he was fun to watch, especially since he was a papa and had little girls and near the end when they are all tired and leaving the party he picks one of them up. it was so precious. i loved it.

then after intermission when my friend was all done with their part they came and sat by me, and since i was sitting with his little siblings, it all worked out rather nicely.

it was just a feeling of...right.

i loved it. watching the rest of the ballet was really nice too. it was funny to see the little ones fidgeting because it really is a long program and there is no talking...haha, but they're cute. i gotta admit myself...it was long and even my foot was a bit twitchy.

it was a nice adventure, i'm finding it easier and easier and more natural to do things like this, go to friends plays and programs. i love being friends with so many gifted and involved people - it gives me so many things to do. i never would have been to so many plays and musicals and programs within the past four months if not for my wonderful friends.

so thankful (:

but also...not gonna lie...seeing a guy dancing around the stage in tights was not my favorite part. far from it in fact. something just...awkward about that. good thing basically all the other guys were in normal pants or russian pants etc. {hahaha}

stickys!

i'm in. one of my favorite two blogger ladies wrote about sticky-notes on their blog. i'm a sucker for those cute little square pads of sticky paper. let's just say that Salem Hills' girls' bathrooms will never have been so filled with love.

look out.

and thanks hannah and mallory for the beautiful idea. (:

read about it. it's a lovely idea, don't you think?

Shnow?

lots and lots of SHNOW!!!

last night i had an adventure with my friend Maya, she was driving me home after hanging out at her house {where i ate her toaster waffles, and slept on her couch like a lame person while everyone else played harry potter scene it. i know right? i totally would have wasted...not. what can i say, i was VERY tired}

{remind! beginning of story.} so sitting there between charlie and craig i realized that my curfew was 11:30 and that i should call my parentals. i got my curfew extended since that was more convenient for Maya who said she'd take me home.

we figured, it's not snowing that bad and her parents' car has four-wheel drive yah? works.

we got about halfway up Elk Ridge Dr., the main road up into Elk Ridge and were just at my first turn when we fishtailed and our back tires got stuck. no matter how hard we tried we couldn't get out. i even went out and tried to push it, which shows how scared we were because for me to push that big of a car...me? where's Seth when you need him, seriously?

so i got back into the car and we prayed. we prayed for safety and to be able to get to my house and her to hers both in complete safety. she turned on her emergency lights and two nice mexican men came to our aid. apparently the four-wheel drive we thought we had...wasn't turned on.

they helped us turn it back on and we skidded back onto the road. Maya was able to call her parents {she'd accidentally left her phone at her house, which is another reason we were so scared} and she was able to calm down from her near panic attack while she waited for her dad to come pick her up and drive with her home.

she got home safely and guess what?

prayers work.

it was quite the adventure...one i think we won't be trying again anytime soon, without at least a phone and a hefty male along with us. and not during the middle of a major elk ridge snow storm. elk ridge snow is different than highland and AF snow...it's slick. the THICK stuff? that you usually can grip on? isn't there. people in Woodlands Hills have to park nearly a mile below their houses during the winter sometimes unless they have four-wheel, just so they don't crash because it's just too hard.

so i'm thankful. thankful for a friend who was determined to get me home and was able to keep her cool, who believed me when i said we should say a prayer. i'm thankful for prayers. i'm thankful for four-wheel drive. i'm thankful for sweet mexican men. i'm thankful for friends who care about me and will drive me home. i'm thankful for Maya...I love her so much. I don't know what i'd do without her. i hope she knows how much i love her.

friends like her are one in a billion.

it's funny...all my friends are. they are all just....diamonds, jewels. rare and beautiful and the miracle is that they are my friends. and all i had to do was be myself.

another adventure...that's just life.

happiness is you.

happiness is his hug.

happiness is a sunset with someone to share it with.

happiness is a long, sweet conversation.

happiness is worn out jeans.

happiness is mountains like cookies'n'cream.

happiness is water fountain fights.

happiness is the scent of chlorine on my skin.

happiness is the smile of a friend.

happiness is the unexpected sweetness.

happiness is the funny awkward silences.

happiness is the feeling of being on an empty stage.

happiness is late night conversations.

happiness is finding our Northern Star.

happiness is a sunrise, but also a sunset.

happiness is a note of encouragement when most needed.

happiness is feeling safe.

happiness is seeing an american flag waving in the breeze.

happiness is colorful gloves.

happiness is peanut butter and honey pancakes.

happiness is watching people eat their apples.

happiness is knowing we will always be friends.

happiness is...

happiness is you in my life.

interesting

i read a friend's blog this morning...and when they used to post about things, actual events in their life, i would get jealous. because i wasn't there.

today...and recently...i haven't felt that way. i'm not jealous at all. and not gonna lie, it's such a relief. my life now isn't a replacement but to me...for me i guess would be better to say, it is better.

my friends now...i can't think of a single one of them who would ever let me down. and that means the world to me. i miss kaytlyn and kelsey a lot, but phone calls with kaytlyn are a good remedy {although i can't wait for christmas when she comes up to visit us!} and being able to see kelsey occasionally is awesome, like yesterday.

i feel so normal and outgoing these days. i think i found myself in elk ridge. i have never been more myself. ever. and i love it. i don't use people, i am not afraid to take the lead if needs be, and honestly i think it may have something to do with all strings being cut to my old life. i could have changed my whole life around, made a fake identity for myself here even...and no one would have known and the ironic and funny part of it all is that i did, but i threw away the fake me, and became the me that has always been there.

i once told nicole...that there were two kayllas. i don't think i understood even then... i'm so glad to be myself!

i'm so happy for my friend too up in highland, her life is exactly how it should be, full of friends and laughter and no more old kaylla pulling her down all the time. i wish i could have been better but we both made mistakes. i think...we've come to a good place. i'm excited to see their play of Pride & Prejudice...i hope she gets a lead role.

all the new experiences i'm having too...i mean, at AHS i never would have gone to a swim meet or so many plays. i never would have gone exploring around backstage and found my new hideaway place in the snoopy doghouse. i never would have eaten in the vestibule every single day and i'd never have met all the wonderful people i know now. treat day would be a mystery, KJ and her...interesting humor, late night sonic runs for ice cream sundays, movie and halloween parties, so many inside jokes........these people i feel genuinely love me. and the fact that they love the real me...i think they love more of me than anyone ever has. except for maybe a few people back from those past years. but only a spare few.

i'm glad i've changed.

and life is good.

and lovely.

and i'm in love with it.

PS - if you haven't, you should go to a swim meet. they're fun if you know people there and the relays are intense (: it's completely different than soccer though... but still awesome. and congratulations to my friend who cut of 18 seconds on their 500! aw yeeah! (: