Happiness is...

anything that is loved by you.

my school did this play when i would have been a sophomore. it's neat because two of my really close friends played snoopy {seth and craig} {it was a double cast}. i was sitting inside the doghouse yesterday, that little place is so neat. i love it. everyone left little notes or their names inside of it, and a couple made mention to this song.

it got me thinking, sometimes life is so hard to just remember to be happy about.

some things that make me happy?

snuggling up close to my mom for warmth early in the morning or late at night

fooling around backstage with my friends

subway sandwiches

looking at beautiful black and white photos

talking to my friend seth

or having a water fight at a drinking fountain

a warm bed and clean room

real photobooth pictures

a blue coat with bright red gloves

christmas sweet breads

pumpkin pie!

holding a baby...

the hug of a close friend

dressing up in costumes for plays

oldies music {most music really...}

beautiful fall colors here in my new hometown

back and shoulder rubs from caring friends

being on stage

singing a beautiful song and being on key

surprising the alto section on how low i can go {low d flat...maybe lower}

my CTR ring

writing in my journal, and reading past entries

stick/post it notes

inspirational quotes, especially from friends

playing and improvising on the piano

2:15

watching science fiction shows with kelsey

long phone calls with kaytlyn, laughing and crying

singing random songs while walking the dog

making apple bread...smelling it...

brown spotted bananas

so many things mean happiness...

happiness, it's loving life. it's the little things in life. it's believing in The Lovely.

"My Cup Runneth O'er"

Psalm 23

I am so very, very blessed. I have a friend who I can talk to and who talks to me, and who has very similar views as I do. I have a place to belong; friends who see me for who I really am and people who also see me for as great as I can and will be. I have a Bishop who trusts me and a family who for the most part is very stable now. I have friends who miss me and another friend who is finally {hopefully} finding their way back to Christ. I feel beautiful inside and out and I feel happy. Financially I know I will be okay, even if it is tough. I can help people's days go better by my choices to smile and be a friend and really...? What more could I ask for?

And even if "that one guy" doesn't like me back, I'm still content - because I know that I don't value him primarily for any physical attractions I have, but for who he is. He makes every day so much more worth smiling through, laughing about and not only enduring, but enjoying. Besides...I have to stick to my goal of taking care of my heart this year...remember?

I'm blessed to have had the experiences I have had, good and bad. If I hadn't, I would be who I am and I probably wouldn't be writing this right now, and that seems like a sad thought.

I have so many friends and blessings and...really, I don't know how life could get any better.

{cough...well...maybe if I had an A in AP Statistics...but that will come when I work harder at it...eeks!}

My Lord, my Shepherd truly is watching out for me. It seems like all the blessings promised to me are all just raining...pouring down on me right now. Friends, Family, Church, School, the past...everything seems to be reconciling itself within me. I've never felt so balanced, so in touch with that life and light source inside of me. I feel like the Kaylla that I always had to hide can finally come out. The Kaylla that I told Nicole once about, who couldn't shine. I feel all aglow...

and I feel blessed.

My cup truly runneth over.

Kaylla

Starlight Starbright

i could see the milky way tonight.

wish my camera could have captured it.

it made me feel so small.

imagine...billions upon billions of stars

so many stars, that it looks just like a cloud...

earth is sleeping on a cloud of stars...

kaylla

My Grandpa

For many reasons, I was never able to get to know my grandparents very well; probably the one I knew the best was my Grandma White who died Jan 3, 2007. My Grandpa Albert died before I was even born, and my Grandpa White died a couple of years before my Grandma White. Grandpa Albert was an alcoholic and died of it; Grandpa White died after a struggle with diabetes, and Grandma White died after a struggle with Bone Cancer.

My Grandma Albert is still alive but I have only seen her in person about...four times? Once when I was about three (my first time on an airplane and the airplane is the only thing I remember), another time between then she came to visit us (all I remember was someone had fake teeth and they were in my bathroom...haha), then when I was nine - before Cameron went on his mission - we drove cross country to New York and visited them (I remember Sarah Jayne...and a lot of talking from my aunt Kristy or however she spells it - not a lot of my grandma though...she did watch Alice in Wonderland with Sarah and me - Alice had a yellow dress?) and the Niagra Falls, and riding in the car; then the last and most recent time was when she came here to Utah for Aaron and Megan's wedding. The point is...I don't know her very well - and though that makes me sad, I have one last grandparent..... :)

Mr. Miller, my science teacher from 7th and 8th grade. Through the years he has been a friend and I am now adopting that old man, as my grandpa. I wish I could have gotten to know my other grandparents as well as I know him and as well as he knows me. He is the one who told me the Geode story - remember? I wrote about that before :)

Papa Miller among only a handful of guys is going to interview my future husband, and if he doesn't pass - no marriage will be happening. :) If I could marry a man that is a third of what Mr Miller is, I will have found a diamond in the rough. Mr. Miller told me once that he asks his wife to marry him every single night. If she doesn't say yes, then he has done something horribly wrong...because he knows that she is something to cherish, and if she can't say yes to him...yah - something is wrong; especially if she said once already ;)

Mr. Miller also told me never to marry anyone who makes me feel other than the diamond that I am. He used to call me a Geode, but he says that my inner beauty has come out now. The flattering old man haha. (He hates it when I call him old - he says that inside he ranges from being 12 - 30 something haha)

He always encouraged me in my studies of Chemistry as well :) I have ALWAYS hated Chemistry - and on one of my roughest battling days with it, he was there to encourage me through, to keep going, that there was always something to learn from it.

In the hallways at school he and I would always give each other high fives...the story and tradition being that I could never aim right. I was ALWAYS off, I would hit half on and half off or completely miss. Sometime near the middle of the school year I was finally able to do it on my first try! It made me so very happy :) you have no idea! So that was our thing. He would often stop me in the hallways and just talk for a bit. Those conversations meant a lot to me, that someone cares at those random moments to talk to you - there's something special about it. And he could always tell if I wasn't feeling ok, in fact he could always get it out of me too - maybe not the whole story with names and whatnot - but he always had the gift to bring a tear to my eye, erase it with a smile on my face and end it with a hug goodbye until the next time he saw me. I love that old man, haha - he's one of the few that makes me cry with all the sweet old man things he says to me.

Brittani once got him to promise that he would give her his green mustang convertible when he dies, and he told me I could have the jeep, or whatever it is. The silly man thinks I could actually accept something at his death? It would break my heart. I don't ever want to say goodbye to him. But he promises he's going to make it to 100 so we've got a while, especially since he's only like 65 (though you'd think he's older with that white hair of his haha)

So I love the guy. He's my grandpa, when I have none. I could honestly turn to him whenever I needed to - and I think that's what really makes a grandparent, being there for you. He would never yell at me, and that has always been something special to me. He's a diamond in the rough :) and he's my Grandpa Miller.

Here's a song first of all I think he would like, and that reminds me of our conversation on when I get married. What a sweetheart :)

Kaylla

PS - the picture is from the last day of school - I was crying just seconds before it was taken, another sweet thing he had decided to tell me. He's one of the few people who has the talent to make me cry on the spot. It's horrible but I love it. :)

I Grew Up

Seconds ago I just experienced one of the strangest feelings of my entire life. I felt older. Between scripture time and watching some episodes of Royal Pains and reading and then talking to my oldest brother Cameron...I feel...older.

Mostly it was while talking to Cameron, especially after saying goodbye to him. I looked in a mirror we have by the door (random I know...mother...?) and saw myself looking back. My ripped and worn down "air force" t-shirt, makeup all wiped away, my hair messy and in a bun...and I felt

Older.

I was still me though. I am me. I am completely still myself, that's the crazy part. I feel more calm though inside. More sure of myself and a little more aware of people. My brother Cameron, maybe it's him. I love being around him. We were talking about memories and dogs and lightning storms and this house and that house and I had to bring up for him that the reason why I probably didn't remember something from his teenage years was because I was still a kid. It's weird to think that when he was 19, going on a mission and starting his real life, I was still in short shorts. I still didn't know anything about hygiene or how to do my hair or girly...in fact - until 7th grade I never even did my hair outside of a pony tail and the occasional twisty bun.

I think back on my past and I feel as if right now the world is my empty book and I could writ

e whatever I want. Those pages are all mine. I could scribble and waste them all away...or I could write the next Count of Monte Cristo or David Copperfield. The world is my oyster.

Like I said, I was looking in the mirror and seeing myself looking not my best - I felt beautiful. Not pretty per say. Beautiful. I felt...clean.

And maybe only a handful of people know what that word means but...have you ever been on a camping trip for like a week and when you get home you don't really feel dirty but then you take a shower and you realize that your skin is tingling from that sense of...cleanliness. I sorta feel like that.

It's just funny for me to think that withing two hours I gained a whole year on my head. Last night I couldn't sleep because of dreams of Nicole and Jayce, Madison and some random blond guy who kept trying to convince me that I was meant for him...and honestly I woke up feeling just really...well with a really dull feeling. The feeling where you've been there over and over again before and you're tired of going there. Twenty minutes ago - I was on new ground. I felt...happy. Clear and full and ready. I felt like a bird shaking its wings just before it jumps off of a very very large cliff.

I was talking to Nicole yesterday about children. I described to her my own dreams...and then after seeing her with her siblings I began to doubt whether honestly if I would ever be ready to have a family of my own. I'm not a very patient person, I hate it when kids cry and scream in

church, and I absolutely hate kid's books and kid's tv shows (mine will have the books...but NOT the stupid shows. no go.) and at this moment....for the first time since Madison broke up with me I feel turquoise again.

Haha - rewind!

Maybe it's the art and left sided brain in me - but when I feel extreme emotions, I color code them. Green is too...happy - giddy and yucky almost - not in control. Blue is very sad. Red...yah, take a gander. Yellow is happy-go-lucky, I really don't care but happy kind of feeling. And Turquoise has always been my favorite: the perfect smattering of happy and sad, making for a cool and warm color in one...

It's strange - with Madison I rarely felt just plain turquoise - not that that is bad, I like being green - it's not always a yucky feeling. But it was either green or blue. Never...just...content. I hope...and maybe - Maybe growing up really isn't so bad. Maybe growing up means coming to terms that I loved him, he didn't love me back but...life simply goes on. And being CLEAR with that. Knowing deep down inside that these moments don't determine the rest of my life, although they could significantly help either way...

I just feel like; I can love Madison, and I can love my family but nothing will ever stop me from simply moving on and being happy with my life. Content. I want to be content in life. I want to find someone out there who I can simply be myself - like I am with my brother Cameron, or like I am when I am with Mr. Haymond or Nicole, or Mr. Miller. (why do all the guys I like being around have to be at least 10 years my senior? I'm worrying myself that I'll be a Jane and Mr. Rochester story...*major shivers*...)

I want to be Turquoise, for all of my life. I want to marry my closest friend (besides Christ...uh...duh.)

Back to the growing up part. I feel like I really can do this. The struggles in my life (starting over at a new high school, breaking up with Madison, losing old friends like Brittani, siblings maturing and finding their lives elsewhere)...all of that...I can really handle it. And this is going to sound really kind of preachy and I'm sorry - but honestly, I think it's God. I think he's literally been right beside me this entire time and I just didn't know it. He held my hand during my parents re-marriage and...maybe He never even let go.

Mr. Carman gave me a picture for Christmas - the poem/picture of the walk along the beach story - and of how Christ never left us, he carries us...that's what I feel right now. I feel like I am going to really be ok. I will move on, and I will be turquoise. I will be...me.

If ever I feel lost, I just have to remember to just be myself. Just me. Because THAT'S who I saw in the mirror tonight. THAT'S the girl who grew up and is realizing that she is more beautiful withOUT the makeup and the fancy clothes. That's Kaylla. Kaylla is me. I am Kaylla....

Wow this sounds like rambling now...and I can just SEE certain people laughing at this post (yah I see you...and you KNOW who you are too....), but that's ok because I'm laughing too. :) well just smiling really - it's midnight and I don't want to wake anyone up with my random outbursts of laughter. Oh what a shame that would be.

Well goodnight. Kaylla now feels ...17? I don't really know how old I feel actually. We'll just have to see if it lasts till morning! Night! PS - HAPPY BIRTHDAY JORDON!!! I love you Brother so so much, I miss you and I am now...going to write you a Happy Birthday email...so that you can read it on your P day, tomorrow. k? so - Night!!

Kaylla

PS - I know I have shared this song before - but it's a very....Turquoise song for me. And so is THIS one....and this one actually...I really wanted to show Madison, cause it's one of my favorite songs ever by my favorite Pianist: David Tolk - but for some reason...I never got around to it. Hm. Oh well :P Maybe inside I never was sure he'd like it and I didn't want anyone to mock me.

k - Night!

Big Pictures

If someone said just those two words to me, honestly the first thing th

at would come to m

y mind is a big-screen movie. Ha, no jok

e. But the moment they tell me "Look at the big picture"

I get this bi

g image of the world. It's a cartoon

too. Funny...

Anyway -

I was sitting at my desk just...thinking about life really and the funniest self-made quote came to my head. It went like this (keep in mind that this is self-copyrighted and if I hear you use it without giving me credit I will hunt you down and egg you and your house): "If I were to look at the big picture, I wouldn't see you."

Kind of sad, but honestly very true. For some people it wouldn't be true but for the most part in our lives, like our families and friends that we stay close to for ages (however unlikely that is for some people...). Whereas in high school - that life was m

ade to end. I've decided that if I can, I'm going to go back to high school - if they accept my transcript that is. I kind of hope they do. I'm not done being sick of the drama. Ha. Masochist. Me. right here. yes.

But so many of the people that I know right now, some I'm happy that I will never see again and some I'm scared to leave behind. For the most part (other than a handful of people) I am glad to leave American Heritage. For so long that place has held me; captive or captivated I am not sure...but now I am going to be in a totally different situation.

We drove around my new school today, literally around haha, I tried to look in windows but it was kind of hard and my dad and Lo wanted me to focus on the road (psh, poor sports), but they have a decent soccer field and the school looks...pretty ok. I've never been to a real school - well one month at Timberline Middle School doesn't really count does it? - so this will be a first and honestly? I'm scared. So many people, so many different kinds of people. For the majority of my life I've been surrounded by nerds and kids that kind of are in need of fixing their life, or foreign students. That's been my exposure to the outside world (well Madison and Cameron weren't really any of those categories but I'm stereotyping).

So back to the big picture ;)

All these heartaches that I've dragged on about for the past...year...really? How well will I remember them, or even care about in even another year's time? Sure it makes me sad that a year from now someone may say "Do you remember so-one-so?" and I'll say "Who?" (honestly I doubt that will happen in a year...maybe ten years...but yah - you get my point) But no matter what, I think that's sad. I wish I could remember them all. I wish we could all changed only for the better. I wish I could remain an innocent child forever, running around in the dirt with my brother and sister without a care in the world.

The big picture though? I see it as me, a stay-at-home mother, with dusty dreams of being an author or concert pianist. I see her waking early in the morning to make breakfast for the gentlest and kindest man on earth who would save her from anything and everything if he could. He would be her knight in shining armor - who washes dishes occasional

ly. :) She would get her little three-year-old daughter named Inez Joelle (after her grandma and great grandma) dressed, the little tomboy probably already set in her character would only wear pants, whereas her older sister Amber Jayne (after her other great grandma) probably is a total girly-girl. Their older brother William or Martin (not sure about his name) is probably under and around his mom's feet with that soccer ball that I swear I locked in the closet...the silly boy. I'll get them

off to school and pre-school, my knight will leave for work and after I clean the house I will play on the beautiful baby-grand that we saved up for before even getting a house. While I'm playing and improvising, I'll feel a kick in my stomach where the next member of our family is trying to tell me that they want to play on the piano too. I smile and keep playing. Maybe later that week I'll visit my friend Kaytlyn (who I'm sure I'll still know) ;) or Nicole or one of the other amazing people I know I'll meet between now and then. I'll force my kids to play with theirs and both families will complain (just as I did when my mom

took me to play with her friends' kids) and they'll have a blast anyway.

Did I mention any of the high school drama in that there big paragraph? I didn't think so. But honestly, in 10-20 years from now, that really will be t

he big picture. That will be my life. (Ha, unless the world ends - then nothing of course will be the same ever again...*cough) anyway. But there you have it. I won't remember how much this person or that one hurt me. Time will have healed those wounds, and if not heal them - I'll at least have forgotten them until some unfortunate event digs them up again.

I can see it now...I'm driving along and I see a red subaru, and I'll think of him. I'll hear that song on the radio and this person will come jolting into my mind. Maybe one day I'll ask my children for a foot rub and they'll inquisitively ask where the round scar came from; and I'll have to tell them that that's where I got cleated by my friend, while I was barefoot...as always. Maybe I'll go through my closet and find the girls camp t-shirt that I wrote in permanent marker on saying M1DV8L3, and I'll laugh and fold it again thinking to keep it for just another year and then maybe by then I'll want to throw it away, but I never will.

So many things to remember, so many things to forget. Which ones will be which. I've reached a bridge in my road so to speak and I can't see wh

ere this path leads. I can't see where any of them lead really. I have no direction in my life except the Lord and my parents and occasionally some friends. My life is all mine right now. I can do and go wherever I please.

It's odd to think about all of this, to think about forgetting during a time when I can't stop thinking about it all. could I really ever forget this time of my life? Seriously? I guess with the big picture we never know. We just never know. And there is no way to know in advance; we have to just live life and get there. Just keep living and sailing across this big big ocean.

So here's to another year, and trying to see the big picture of things. Good luck. because you will need it.

Kaylla

PS - the last picture...is of San Hose Beach. Just a side-note to self.

My Very Own Rainbow

At eight o'clock exactly this morning my mom called me out of my very warm and cozy bed saying "Kaylla! We have our very own rainbow!"

Confused and still partly asleep I rolled partway out of bed then grasped to find the ladder down from my bunk without opening my eyes. I walked halfway down our stairs when I saw it - just a small square of color splashed there as if the dyes had suddenly changed their mind and no longer wanted to be brown anymore. It was so . . . simple and beautiful. Like God wanted to start my day off right. Well it did. Today I'm looking for those abnormalties in this world which make it worth living - just for them and nothing else.

Like just outside my window . . . there's a pavilion and in the mornings there are always puddles from the sprinklers . . . but they're silver blue in the morning light and look like portals to whole new worlds.

Now every morning before school starts or at 8 o'clock exactly I'll be thinking of my little rainbow . . . and the rest of the day will be my own making.

Nothing can get in the way of someone who believes that they are the only person stopping them from fulfilling their dreams. And when you want to be yourself in front of lots of people - just do it. Nobody cares! except you and you only care because you think THEY do.

So make this the day you begin your trail of freedom.

Kaylla