Sheltered? Huh?

I think I was seven (?) when my brother Aaron got his license (yah...that sounds about right) ANYway - my mom would never let him drive me places, not that I really went anywhere, but she wouldn't because of his taste in music. Let me give you an example of what he listened to:



Yah...I wish I were still that sheltered.

I was just listening to my playlist on GrooveShark and it surprised me when an older song showed up on my shuffle. I was talking to Madison about how sheltered I was, and I told him I'd rather be sheltered than not. People always tell me I'm so sheltered - and can I just say, I wish I were more sheltered. When people say I really don't want to know what a word means, I really should just listen to them and recently I have been. I don't look things up anymore - I'd rather not read that junk...

But wait! haha sorry - I don't want to offend anyone, because a LOT of my friends know a LOT of this stuff that I don't know and you know what's crazy? Yah, they're not innocent but they aren't BAD people like I used to believe.

But maybe I've just been desensitized? But then, am I a bad person? I don't think so - so it makes me wonder, is there REALLY a place where you are Too sheltered? I remember one of my first arguments with my friend Gabby was about the school I went to - her argument was that I wouldn't be ready for the "real" world. (Ha I can't believe I remember that conversation - do you remember Gabby?? haha) and then I remember when my brother left our small world of private school AHS, and he started to change, at first for the worst but then as he became much older, and graduated - something changed again and he really was ready for the "real" world; whereas you take me and I'm terrified to go out there and live life on my own.

Just this morning my mom was talking about how in our new house I'll finally have my own room (yay!) and then she finished her sentence with how hard it will be to get rid of me now. It made me realize that in all truths...in about a year - I will probably be moving out, going to college, and starting my "real" life. And I'm scared.

So is it bad to be sheltered? I think so...But then I'd never give up the sunny childhood days - believing that I could really soak up the creek into my tiny feet, or believing that stepping on the mushrooms was evil magic, or drinking out of the hose, or making dirt cities in our unfinished yard of dirt :) (remember Lilly?? mine was the coolest - you know it!), or making green cake with Gabby and Alyssa, watching the grass move like a wave through Gabby's attic window, or cleaning under my bed and my closet each year because I could NEVER keep it uncluttered for the life of me...

But when did I stop being sheltered? Hmm...give me a second to think it through - hahaha... - I think it was 8th grade. My mom got fired that year from her job of teaching 4th graders. We put our house up for sale and unable to sell it, refinanced. My world was turned upside down as my relationship with my dad deteriorated, I started listening to what I considered "hard" music at the time (most of it was just country with harder beats - like "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts), I changed my wardrobe...then in ninth grade I met Nicole. :)

Oh Nicole...where would I be if I'd never met you?

Before I met Nicole - you gotta understand the life I lived. I read only fantasy books - I never did my homework, though I was a book worm, I had no social life, I didn't wear makeup (hated it in fact and convinced Nicole to STOP wearing it), and spent my days watching and re-watching childhood movies. Maybe occasionally I talked online through email with friends - I was very cyber oriented as well. Nicole, LITERALLY changed all that. She forced me out of my comfort zone, making me talk to the guy who had embarrassed me after telling him that I liked him - he and I became friends again - ANYway - Nicole helped me to learn that shouting in the hallway and getting stares wasn't bad. It was just letting your voice be heard.

Tenth grade came around and Nicole and I pulled apart. I wish we never had. I became better friends with a childhood friend - Brittani Bills - and we took Spanish together with Mr. Carman - ugh - long dramatic story, we let it effect our lives to a degree that I find embarrassing now. My parents got divorced. That was...weird, though I have to admit I'd been asking my parents to do it since at least 7th grade (at least in my head). I remember one morning getting ready for school and just wishing I had no ears. Then after my dad moved out, we sold our house and lived in a basement apartment in PG for about three months...I hated those months. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. My parents started talking again and decided to do it again - they fixed their issues and decided to get married again. My mom had already signed the papers though for our little town-home in AF so we just decided to have him come along...weird but yah. They were married in our front living room for the second time. Traumatic year. Still sheltered? Heck no.

Then THIS year. WHOOSH! (Ha, have you ever noticed that you count years by school years, not actual years? confusing but that's how it rolls - for me at least). Friends from all over the world (= lots of culture shock for me and them, and more unsheltering), friends who I never thought I would even be able to stand (and now not only am I standing them, but I love their guts), and literally three different groups of people who I consider friends...thus confusion on my part again on where I belong :P

So Sheltered Kaylla White - where will you be in a year?

A year ago I wrote myself a letter, I get to open it this Wednesday...and I'm SO excited - you have no idea. It's like a time capsule!!! :)

A year from now - so much could happen...but what will it be this time? Will I be happier or will I be torn apart again and have to stitch the pieces back together again? (dramatic I know - but hey, I'm a writer, I have a license to sappiness, dramatics, and violence)

So here's to another year gome and one to come in a life of no-longer-being sheltered, and trying to keep some semblance of innocence in this world splattered in mud. I know I can make it through this mess, because I know who I am - and seriously, if you know that? Who can change your mind? No One.

C'est La Vie.

Kaylla

PS - sorry for such a long post...I had a lot to say :P and still didn't say it all...