girl talk, turtle boys, and fireflies.

at work last night we all talked briefly about our hearts.

for some reason they asked a lot about mine.

maybe because i got asked on a date...but didn't know what to do.

everyone guessed it was probably because my heart is someone else's.

and today? when he stopped by...

one of the girls asked, "is that him? turtle boy?"

i'd told her once my best friend's grandma has a turtle who ran away briefly.

because we talked about pets. and boys.

and the reason she knew? was because she said i started to glow.

i really need to let off of the fireflies diet.

when you're a girl.

you sleep in 3 and a half hours more than usual.

you curl up on the couch afterward with your rice bag heated to its maximum non-searing hot potential

you watch whatever tv shows your mom and sister want to because you hurt too much to move

you swallow nasty red pills and then drink soda so they'll go faster through your system

you wear basketball shorts before your shower and sweats after, even though you shaved.

you wait until 2pm to shower

and then you never do your hair or makeup until 8pm

you try to get something or even just anything done but once you are only a third of the way done, your pain meds run out on you and you're nauseated and you can't move until the next four kick in.

you can cry because your hair doesn't quite look right

you get a little moody because your dog left two hairballs on your room and must have slept on your bed

you can't make up your mind whether you can hang out with friends even though you know you really want to

and when you're a girl you really really wish that someone could hold you.

BUT

i'm still thankful. every moment. i am thankful, that i am a girl.

geese.

geese smell bad yah?

and things that smell bad...should be removed...yes?

okay.

so my small group of friends...well...some of the girls are kind of acting like geese. they're gossiping.

i know. i was shocked too.

but you know what?

i'm going to get up the courage to ask them to stop.

and by writing it? i am holding myself accountable.

please tell me that you too get very, very annoyed when you hear three different people, three separate times, all saying the same petty silly thing about one girl.

{by the way - that girl? she's probably one of the most innocent and sweet girls i've ever met.}

just know.

gossip? you may not know you are doing it. but it hurts

it's even killed some people.

don't do it.

because me? ima gonna come after you.

womanhood

read THIS TALK.

it's called "The Sanctity of Womanhood" by Richard G. Scott (love that man...)

i loved it. and so did my mom. i'm so thankful for her. i'm so thankful to be a girl/woman/female. whatever. sometime it's tough. sometimes it hurts. sometimes i wonder why the goodness do i have to be so darn emotional. and then...it's all okay.

i hope you enjoy it. i certainly did.

What Matters?

“Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr. Seuss

this is the quote and the thought that goes through my mind when i hear girls whispering and then pointing at me and then after realizing i saw that...pretend they're commenting on something else, quite randomly. not gonna lie, it makes me smile.

because i don't mind.

i'm happy. in fact, i wish everyone had what i have. knowledge of exactly who i am. no hate for a single soul out there. a best friend. someone to love. people who love me too. and all the chicken corn chowder that i could ever possibly desire.

if life could remain as beautiful as it is right now, i would say i were in paradise...but then...i'm not, as technically, literally, i live in Elk Ridge and not Paradise which apparently is located in Cache Valley. hm.

dear awkward girl,

no, i'm not a "guy magnet". yes, lots of guys say hi to me...but so do a lot of girls. yes, that one guy who gives my stomach butterflitis drops in to say hello before Stats class starts, but it's on his way to swim so it's all good. yes i feel more comfortable talking to guys than girls sometimes about...life, specifically certain guys {who i guess are pretty popular i've found out} but that's okay, i talk to girls a lot too...ish. yah, i feel more comfortable around chris, seth, sean and jason than the other girls sometimes but that's not proof of your statement, it's more proof that i'm a girl with three older brothers and likes that. sure i fakey flirt with craig and landon a lot but they know it's all a joke, and they've done it all back to me, but i started it. yup, taylar did start randomly dancing with me in the hallways and is super nice to me, but it wasn't that way until i crawled out of my shell too. joe tells me i'm beautiful of his own choice, but that's because he was always trying to communicate that i was more than physically pretty...which was a Lovely experience. and sometimes charlie sneaks up behind me and tears hair out of my head because we've really become great friends. it's all kind of just a part of being me. it doesn't mean i have a crush on all of them, or them on me {in fact it almost means the exact opposite...}

sometimes girl, you gotta just live life loving everything and loving everyone. go to life and life will welcome you with open arms. so don't be bitter... (: just accept the adventure.

Beautiful Daughter

last night I dreamt a strange dream. in my dream i was going to give a talk about the inner beauty of God's daughters. when i woke up i could remember most of the material i had been able to gather and could actually quote what one person said to me in my dream.

at that part of my dream i was in a long beautiful dress but was walking through the dust and dirt on my knees. i was destroying my beautiful dress. one boy turned to me and taking me by the hand told me "You are too beautiful not to stand and walk tall."

recently i had a sweet experience. a boy in my seminary class and concert choir class has been telling me i'm beautiful. the first time he told me i told you about it here. it really shocked me. however on the bus ride back home from concert choir {during which he told me most opportunities that he had that i was beautiful}, he explained it more fully to me. he told me that yes i'm physically beautiful...but it was more than that. a beauty of personality. a beautiful person. i have heard stories like this before, where someone is told something like that...it made me feel so good that someone was saying it about me, that it simply made me want to try even better to be the person that he might think i am; because yes, i too have made mistakes, major ones.

when i woke up from my dream this morning i wrote it all down. then i went searching for a talk about this, because i felt like i needed to tell my young women {i'm now laurel's president if that's not a shock enough for someone out there...i don't know what else would be, haha} and i'm hoping that sis. clark, the YW's president will let me maybe give it as a thought for our Young Women's in Excellence coming up soon. i'm pretty sure she will let me though, because she wants me in charge of planning some of it.

anyhow THIS is the talk that i clicked on and spent time reading before i would be too late to get ready for church. it said almost everything i think was in my dream. it was kind of weird but really cool. some of my favorite quotes and a generalization of my notes:

"It isn't just about cosmetics or clothing. What makes a young woman truly attractive comes from her heart." - Elder Lynn G. Robbins

"Happiness is the most attractive accessory a young woman can have."

-the smile is the most charming cosmetic

"Makeup...can enhance appearance. But no amount of eye shadow, lipstick, or mascara could possibly compete with the natural attractiveness of a genuine smile."

-choose happiness to create that smile

"A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

- Eliza Dolittle, the beauty was always there - she just needed someone else's help in discovering it.

-"a beautiful radiance in virtue." chastity

- bad women also smile, to beguile men (like potaphar's wife and delilah)

"Tell me what you smile and laugh at, and I'll tell you who you are."

Truman G. Madsen: "This Light of the spirit cannot be faked. All of the theater lights and stages and camera trickery and Photoshop manipulation may convince the unaware that artificial light has the same effect. It does not. Artificial light ends with the flipping of a switch. It is merely a backhanded tribute to Light. Christ is the Life and the Light -- the Light that lightens hearts through thick and think."

-modest=outward sign and a requirement. without modesty, divine cheerfulness and RADIANCE disappears...vanishes

-1 Samuel 16:7

- in beauty pageants only one is declared the "fairest of them all" but with God - there is no competition

end of notes. (:

So in other words...I was very spiritually uplifted today. sometimes it really has nothing to do with what you wear and how you look on the outside. Sometimes that happens to me...a lot in one day, like today. I already have four other posts lined up for this week - all from spiritual ideas i had today. be prepared.

love you all,

Kaylla

some days deserve a post about everything in them. like today.

wow. i'm not really sure where to start for today. first of all actually: I'm an aunt!!! I'm so happy! Little Halle White was born today at 6:08 pm, weighing 7 lbs and 1 oz, and 19 inches long. she is beautiful (: in fact, hopefully this will work, here is a picture (: they don't have a middle name set for her yet...that's coming (:

anyhow. so today...? started horribly. in fact i was in tears a little bit for seminary and AP Lit, but Allie and Paige both gave me hugs and i apologized to my dad and everything turned out okay in the end. i saw my friend Seth in the hallway and i felt bad because i din't want him to see my red, teary-eyed face so i kind of blew him off when he said hi, but later when i saw him in the library i was able to talk to him and we chatted...it was "very nice" (haha, Tarzan) and then he walked me to my next class so we could keep chatting. i like people like that, who put people as a priority...it's nice and makes me feel good inside, especially after having that horrible morning.

then singers/choir was good, and so was lunch. haha, funny story - i was with allie and libby and we were in our lunch vestibule and that fella was coming at us and so i blocked the door. we talked briefly and he said something about having to have to enter by force. just a continuing theme i suppose after "beating him up". something about that guy just makes my heart give little hiccups of happiness.

he then "changed his mind" about going outside, (maybe i'm just a stupid silly girl...ha wait. i know i am. anyway, onwards) but i kind of like finding him looking at me. like when we were checking our Crime and Punishment books out of the library and he said hi to me...that made me smile. and then when i was going to lunch he saw me in the hall and took note of me again. i dunno...i'm fine with just friends. but sometimes, some people... (:

so he followed Allie and I into the library where she had to print something off, and i went to vote for Homecoming Royalty...or something. He followed us there too. it was fun. ack. i just love talking to people like him. he tried to vote to but neither of us knew how to do it. we gave up. i stayed in my TA and he left to go to AP Physics. it's kind of funny seeing him on a computer, he's totally not the computer type of person. (: called it, he agreed.

in my TA, it was just another happy day. i love it in there. Ben and Emily are just...great friends (:

then AP Stats...oh gosh, i'm not really good at it. i hope i did okay on my test. i felt good about it though, so crossing my fingers.

after that i had Fiddler rehearsal, talked a lot with Amaya (course, she's an amazing gal...dunno what i would have done these past few weeks without her or Allie, or Paige...or haha a lot of people. like Charlie, Sean and now Seth that i'm getting to know him too)

in my little family group for ensemble, there is THE cutest little girl. She's my "little sister". love being in this play. a LOT. oh and my new pal poked his head in while we were on stage too. he has fluffy hair after swimming. if i could wish for anything right now it would be more time to get to know people like him. people like him who make me feel like the whole of mankind (man being the key word...) is doomed.

then after practice i talked with maya, charlie, landon and craig. that was FUN. we decided (except craig) to go to amaya's house to get some musical theater homework done together. that was so much fun too. Landon says i'm a flirt. he's the one who tackled me to the floor in amaya's basement. just for the record. besides, no strings on this girl...no matter how sad and wretched that actually makes this girl...but it means i can do whatever i please. Landon is pretty cool. so much personality that i don't know what to do with him sometimes. we have a joke: that i'm in love with him. haha, not really...in fact it was kind of awkward - his ex girlfriend asked me if i really was...awkward moment of making sure she knew i was in no one in connection with him (or anyone really...much more simple that way...seeing as probably the moment i did start liking someone, the way my luck runs - a friend of mine will tell me that she likes him and i'll have to make myself back off to avoid a brittani-madison situation...which would suck. so i'm staying away completely) but i'm free to flirt. anyway.

we went to a street party, after having a short youtube party and banana cake. landon called me a flirt again. i punched him.

oh and the classic moment of the day?: i had a skirt hanger in my hand and i poked charlie with it. it went into his tummy and the words just popped out "charlie's squishy..." for some reason everyone started laughing. not to mention it was hat day today...tomorrow is twin day. i think amaya and i are going to match. unless she changes her mind (: who knows.

while we were on our way to drop landon off at his car back at the school he and i talked about if we were to really ever wrestle each other. landon's funny - he can make things super awkward but it's okay because it's him and his personality. he said i was nice. haha, which i thought was funny because i'd been punching him earlier and when i mentioned that he agreed but i also wasn't major upset if he punched me back jokingly, which is why he was upset at some other girls i guess. something like that. anyway - longer story shorter-ish, he said if we wrestled and then one day got married then it wouldn't be awkward. amaya and i just laughed. we then talked about movies - apparently if i watched Wall-e or Penelope with landon, his ex-girlfriend would be upset. {makes me wonder...what did madison say about me?...anyway, not important.} but over all i thought that was rather funny. love being around landon. he's hilarious, and if i'm a flirt...*cough... hahahaha.

and then i had a good girl talk with amaya when she dropped me off at home. i have permission to tease her (: i love it. i'm so excited...sounds horrible but i'm just like that. ;P

and then i came home and got the news that Halle was born! good day all in all...good day.

Kaylla

{post script:} the friend...the one who i haven't really...told anyone except amaya and kelsey about...name wise...i'm not like...y'know, like in love with him or anything. just...exploring. happily exploring. besides...like i said about the other girls liking people...yah, i try to avoid (heavily) conflict with other girls. this time it might be tough...but i'll do it. i already know of at least two girls who have a thing for him. i had better back off in other words. thing is...if i'm stupid enough, i'll say he's just as curious about exploring as i am. Landon would say he is a flirt too. it's not fair. (: we'll see where this plot turns, y'know?

and if you're madison reading this...text me. you are privy to any knowledge you want and you know i love ya and always will talk to ya and tell you everything...if you want. it's up to you. (;

pms: beware of bloodthirsty women ahead.

{this post is not for the eyes of males. also not for girls under the age of 13.}

i'm pretty sure i'm about a day or two at most away from that time of month. and i'm pretty sure you did not want to know that but i feel like i need to defend my mood swings.

yesterday; i yelled "pan" {in context} at my mother because i was mumbling and she didn't understand me. i never ever yell at her. i'm the one who if i'm yelling - it's probably that time of month.

today: lilly walked into my room and i told her to get out. we have a strict policy that we always let each other into our rooms - its like an unspoken sister rule. i broke it. it's 1:36 in the afternoon and not only am i still in my american fork t-shirt that i've had since 8th grade {"hello"s to my surrogate brother brandan billz}, black lacrosse sweats, messy bun on top of my head, not showered, no makeup and still wearing the ugly orange bracelet on my left wrist. i'm not eating like a hog. i always eat. i'm never hungry. now i'm not hungry and i haven't eaten since about 9 am.

yah...moodiness, slobbiness, and lack of hunger mean it's that time.

and looking to my right...the fact that i still haven't made my bed and that my desk is literally covered in sticky- notes...yah... today hasn't been so good.

{prepare for next mood swing: 12 minutes and counting...}

pms....

don't ask your mother what pms is. i don't want another person mad at me. but just in case you don't know...it's a hormone overdose once a month that causes girls to feel like two year-olds in diapers again, bloat, curl up in the fetal position on their bed because of wracking pains and a time when advil {or your selected choice of pain meds} are always on hand. it's a beautiful thing...at least that's what we're told.

but try telling that to the girl who now feels like someone left a knife in her gut. you try smiling through that. all she wants is for the noise, pain, and stupidity to stop. be careful...if she's the kind of person - she very well might tear your head off.

best course of action? walk away. no joke, just say "talk to ya later" and go.

I'm Sorry.

No scenario, no background, no nothing because I'm just not going to divulge that - but anyone who has read my blog previously, maybe you will notice that certain posts are gone. That is not because I was scared into deleting them, it was not because someone hacked my account. It's because they no longer needed to be read - because they were all based on lies. Lies that I took for truth instead of going to the source.

I think I have finally learned that lesson...that's for sure. All the jazz and junk I have been writing was hardly ever anyone else's fault - but my own. I apologize for any misgivings I have had towards other persons...I hope they...realize how sad I am about that...and how much I hate all the times that I didn't trust their words over another's lies.

I'm also going to warn against gossip in this post. It's all that cruddy stuff that started this junk. I listened to all the little things I hear around and I let it get to me. I was so...STUPID. There are so many words I could use, and am using to describe myself right now for how dumb and horrible I have been - but I won't write that here. Just apologizing for all the mean and hurtful, horrible things I have said.

I made mis-judgments too. I have used words I didn't understand, like "perverted" to describe people, when I should have been less judgmental, and more open-minded to the differing beliefs of others. Not everyone is as closed-minded and childish as I am and I am sorry. I'm sorry a million times over.

I've been a jerk and made judgment calls on people who have been nothing but forgiving and kind to me - and if ever we had misunderstandings, they were my fault or through differing ideals of right and wrong, etc.

I have been a horrible friend this past year as well. Unintentionally - but all the same. I subconsciously used some of the best people I have ever known. I have called people names, I have viciously held others to my high standards and then condemned them accordingly. I'm sorry...

I have been changeable too. I have been happy about things and the way they are, and I have been angry and I have been sad - never just one, and never making up my mind; constantly changing with the weather of the drama around me. Drama...that I so willingly and subconsciously created myself. I have detached myself from people and then told them that I miss them. I have told people that I want to see them, then avoided them. It's been stupid and childish and wretched of me!

Right now, I'm so sick of myself and my silly mistakes that I'm ready to just go to bed and hopefully...maybe it will turn into one big horrible dream and I will wake up the night after Prom night and everything will be ok, and with the memory of this horrible dream, I could make everything right again.

But it's not and I have to deal with and clean up my own stupid mess.

I'm worried that some of my friends might think I'm being a little hard on myself - please don't. Know that I am completely awake, well fed and totally sane. I have thought through the facts given me and reasoned all of this out. I haven't divulged anything new to my friends, and I don't intend to. I intend to let this story end right now. From now on I'm not going to talk to my friends about other people, if I have issues with other people - I go to the source from now on.

Ugh...and I know I've said that before - and those people whose trust I have damaged...I know that it might very well be just too late for that. I know you're mad at me. I hope someday when I have finally grown up (really grown up - not this silly stuff about feeling older and whatever) we can meet again as common friends and with smiles on our faces we can move on with our lives.

I've damaged so many good friendships this year, I've given in to so many lies, I've been so immature and stupid through this whole mess. I apologize and if you were involved, I hope you can someday forgive me. I'm sorry and I hope you believe me when I say I will never do it again; and if there really is anything I can do to make it better - to compensate for what I have said and done, please - please I ask and beg that you will tell me so that I can do it right away.

I love you...even though I haven't acted like it all the time. I hope that if no forgiveness can be found - at least there will be some understanding.

I'm sorry.

McKaylla J. White

Sheltered? Huh?

I think I was seven (?) when my brother Aaron got his license (yah...that sounds about right) ANYway - my mom would never let him drive me places, not that I really went anywhere, but she wouldn't because of his taste in music. Let me give you an example of what he listened to:



Yah...I wish I were still that sheltered.

I was just listening to my playlist on GrooveShark and it surprised me when an older song showed up on my shuffle. I was talking to Madison about how sheltered I was, and I told him I'd rather be sheltered than not. People always tell me I'm so sheltered - and can I just say, I wish I were more sheltered. When people say I really don't want to know what a word means, I really should just listen to them and recently I have been. I don't look things up anymore - I'd rather not read that junk...

But wait! haha sorry - I don't want to offend anyone, because a LOT of my friends know a LOT of this stuff that I don't know and you know what's crazy? Yah, they're not innocent but they aren't BAD people like I used to believe.

But maybe I've just been desensitized? But then, am I a bad person? I don't think so - so it makes me wonder, is there REALLY a place where you are Too sheltered? I remember one of my first arguments with my friend Gabby was about the school I went to - her argument was that I wouldn't be ready for the "real" world. (Ha I can't believe I remember that conversation - do you remember Gabby?? haha) and then I remember when my brother left our small world of private school AHS, and he started to change, at first for the worst but then as he became much older, and graduated - something changed again and he really was ready for the "real" world; whereas you take me and I'm terrified to go out there and live life on my own.

Just this morning my mom was talking about how in our new house I'll finally have my own room (yay!) and then she finished her sentence with how hard it will be to get rid of me now. It made me realize that in all truths...in about a year - I will probably be moving out, going to college, and starting my "real" life. And I'm scared.

So is it bad to be sheltered? I think so...But then I'd never give up the sunny childhood days - believing that I could really soak up the creek into my tiny feet, or believing that stepping on the mushrooms was evil magic, or drinking out of the hose, or making dirt cities in our unfinished yard of dirt :) (remember Lilly?? mine was the coolest - you know it!), or making green cake with Gabby and Alyssa, watching the grass move like a wave through Gabby's attic window, or cleaning under my bed and my closet each year because I could NEVER keep it uncluttered for the life of me...

But when did I stop being sheltered? Hmm...give me a second to think it through - hahaha... - I think it was 8th grade. My mom got fired that year from her job of teaching 4th graders. We put our house up for sale and unable to sell it, refinanced. My world was turned upside down as my relationship with my dad deteriorated, I started listening to what I considered "hard" music at the time (most of it was just country with harder beats - like "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts), I changed my wardrobe...then in ninth grade I met Nicole. :)

Oh Nicole...where would I be if I'd never met you?

Before I met Nicole - you gotta understand the life I lived. I read only fantasy books - I never did my homework, though I was a book worm, I had no social life, I didn't wear makeup (hated it in fact and convinced Nicole to STOP wearing it), and spent my days watching and re-watching childhood movies. Maybe occasionally I talked online through email with friends - I was very cyber oriented as well. Nicole, LITERALLY changed all that. She forced me out of my comfort zone, making me talk to the guy who had embarrassed me after telling him that I liked him - he and I became friends again - ANYway - Nicole helped me to learn that shouting in the hallway and getting stares wasn't bad. It was just letting your voice be heard.

Tenth grade came around and Nicole and I pulled apart. I wish we never had. I became better friends with a childhood friend - Brittani Bills - and we took Spanish together with Mr. Carman - ugh - long dramatic story, we let it effect our lives to a degree that I find embarrassing now. My parents got divorced. That was...weird, though I have to admit I'd been asking my parents to do it since at least 7th grade (at least in my head). I remember one morning getting ready for school and just wishing I had no ears. Then after my dad moved out, we sold our house and lived in a basement apartment in PG for about three months...I hated those months. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. My parents started talking again and decided to do it again - they fixed their issues and decided to get married again. My mom had already signed the papers though for our little town-home in AF so we just decided to have him come along...weird but yah. They were married in our front living room for the second time. Traumatic year. Still sheltered? Heck no.

Then THIS year. WHOOSH! (Ha, have you ever noticed that you count years by school years, not actual years? confusing but that's how it rolls - for me at least). Friends from all over the world (= lots of culture shock for me and them, and more unsheltering), friends who I never thought I would even be able to stand (and now not only am I standing them, but I love their guts), and literally three different groups of people who I consider friends...thus confusion on my part again on where I belong :P

So Sheltered Kaylla White - where will you be in a year?

A year ago I wrote myself a letter, I get to open it this Wednesday...and I'm SO excited - you have no idea. It's like a time capsule!!! :)

A year from now - so much could happen...but what will it be this time? Will I be happier or will I be torn apart again and have to stitch the pieces back together again? (dramatic I know - but hey, I'm a writer, I have a license to sappiness, dramatics, and violence)

So here's to another year gome and one to come in a life of no-longer-being sheltered, and trying to keep some semblance of innocence in this world splattered in mud. I know I can make it through this mess, because I know who I am - and seriously, if you know that? Who can change your mind? No One.

C'est La Vie.

Kaylla

PS - sorry for such a long post...I had a lot to say :P and still didn't say it all...

Lightning, Rain, and....Kisses....

So I was talking a while ago about what my ideal first kiss would be...and of course those things are usually TOTALLY up to chance but I just gotta say my opinion here.

Having never been kissed and interestingly enough never really being interested in it before it took me a while when asked this question to decide what my ideal would be. A memory came to my mind though.

Once when I was little (probably about 6 or 7 years) I was still pretty scared of lightning. My oldest brother though, Cameron, loved them. He couldn't understand what was up with me! :) So one night, I remember being in bed and just being scared because there was lightning outside my window and the wind was howling. Let's just say I was pretty freaked out.

But them my brother came into my room, and pulling me out of bed he convinced me to come what the storm with him from our front porch. So he grabbed the red blanket off the back of our couch (both the couch and the blanket we still have and are still combined together...haha, some things never change) ;) and wrapping me up he set me in his lap and held me while we watched the lightning together.

I felt so safe and by the time it was done, or by the time we were both too cold or bored (I can't remember) I was no longer scared. Ever since then I've been in love with lightning storms.

My friend who I was talking about kisses with told me that her ideal kiss would be simply in the rain. But honestly...wouldn't a lightning storm be sooo so much better? Of course there's even the potential that you could have both, but still. I'd rather have lightning than rain (at least for my first kiss).

Then there's always the thought that rain kisses (in movies) usually happen at like, the climax or the angry/passionate scene or sad goodbye scene (except for Wive and Daughters in which case he proposes in the rain :P but thats probably an anomaly) anyway - who wants to have that kind of kiss as their first? Not I.

If I couldn't have lightning though, I'd with that it was at a location that could be ideal. Qualifications I think would be secluded, picturesque, quiet, and maybe even have some emotional value. To me I'm thinking the Point of the mountain up by Draper and Suncrest. I can just imagine talking with that special person and seeing those beautiful lights, the wind being cold, holding each other and things would just happen.

Of course I'm just being a girl right now ;) who knows, most things don't turn out the way you plan after all, do they.

lots of love,

Kaylla

Hey! So my sister shared this song with me and I actually really like it...even if the words don't really apply to me, sometimes you like songs just because they're catchy. And I guess it does apply to me - just not in the romance sense. If I were talking about witchy crappy friends who blankety blank blank then sure. ;) love the song anyway - enjoy!!!

-Kaylla

Thoughts on Virginity

So I saw the beginning of a tv series (not going to mention names or anything really - just concepts) and I was shocked. As an LDS, teenage girl I've been told from day one that keeping my virtue is top on my list - because that's the only way I can reach the Celestial Kingdom. I was surprised by this tv series and how it displayed intercourse between a male and female...and not only how lightly they took it all...but how young they were! These kids were 15 and 16 and they couldn't imagine going until after college, unmarried and virgins! And THEN they don't care about it still unless there are consequences - such as pregnancy!

It just makes me so very very...mad? but mostly, disappointed.

In my world today - outside of my small universe (being LDS and living in Utah, let alone the lower valley of Utah defines me as VERY sheltered...along with being homeschooled and privately educated my entire life does add to my lack of "knowledge" of these things) - boyfriend and girlfriend to the outside world means sex and fun, and ultimately doesn't mean anything that it is supposed to mean.

Today love doesn't mean the friendship and the companionship of persons through life and persevering through trials together through all your days, instead it means a bed-fellow.

The lude and open and pornographic picture which life has been turned into is like a pile of crud and waste and nasty stuff...it used to be healthy plants, vegetables and fruit (forgive the nasty mental image) and once it has been processed and processed again and again - they give us our world today.

Now I understand why when some people who are older than I am, when they've found out how I am in a relationship, how shocked they are; they grew up with the above mental image! How shocked I would be with myself if I were to fall into such a trap!

Intimacy at any age before marriage is a fine line to walk along. We set our own standards and it up to ONLY US to keep them. Every safe-guard outside of ourselves can be surpassed and if our will-power is not strong enough then it will be overthrown. When we give in to our carnal man inside of us, then we give up all right to choose our consequences. You may use a condom or pregnancy pills etc. but there is no safeguard ever except complete and total abstinence.

Another thing about this show that ticked me off: The one girl who seemed to have her head on straight; being Christian, virgin, determined to stay a virgin until after marriage was portrayed as stupid, overly cheerful, "blond", fake; whereas everyone else in the series weren't exactly portrayed as angels either but not made to look so...unrealistic. Is it really that hard to control your appetite!?!? NO!!!

On Facebook recently I saw a poll that was going around; the question was this - In a relationship which was the most important?: Sex, Trust or Communication

Honestly??? The people in this show were uncaring of how the consequences of fornication would really affect their lives! The one girl in the show who did get pregnant was devastated (though in my opinion not devastated enough) but what was so uncaring was how the boy whose stupid fault it was: didn't even care. He carried no blame, no shame for his lude and gross acts. Having been the one to seduce her, he should have felt the ultimate shame for the pain that she had to physically suffer. The jerk.

The sacred relationship between a husband and wife is being trumpeted from the rooftops. Information that should never have been public can now easily found online, within any ignorant child's reach. At the click of that mouse a life could be ruined. The lightness with which something so sacred is being treated is destroying our nation, and even our world! The Lord WILL NOT let us remain in this perverse grossness.

So....honestly, what do we do?

For me, I know what I am going to do. I'm going to set higher standards. I will not allow myself to be dragged down into this perverted world. When sensual humor is implied I determine to set my foot down. I don't stand for that. I'm a princess, the daughter of the King and I will not back down. This is my Standard. I hope this was a wake-up call to someone else as well. Someday when I have children I hope they will have this same surety of right and wrong.

These are my thoughts as always so if you have any comments or thoughts - please comment, as always I'd love to hear them.

-Kaylla

Bad Fruit and Gnats

I love the rain. It brings back lots of memories of waiting for rainbows and silly old men talking about leprechauns. So I was reading some of my past posts and I figured, I'm going to get something straight, with myself and with my post.

First of all let me use an analogy: the gnats and the rotten fruit.

Would you eat a rotten fruit, especially if there were a bunch of gnats flying around, flying into your face, mouth, ears and any other place that is uncomfortable that they find? yeah, neither would I. So here's the deal. So many boys I would relate to the rotten fruit and the gnats you are (hopefully) asking? Girls who follow them around. Really annoying.

The rotten fruit aren't worth it. The good fruit is. Unlike my analogy, there is more rotten fruit that I know of than good fruit - so it's hard, and I really hate rotten fruit. I'll get into Banana Bread a little bit later.

There's always going to be rotten fruit. It just happens. Sometimes they don't look rotten on the outside so you stick your teeth into them and they surprise you. With fruit we go "Eww! Gross!" and spit it out as quickly as possible. That is what girls need to do with those boys who 1) make you feel like dirt 2) make crude jokes about girls when they're not around (or worse when they ARE around) and 3) don't have the same standards as you.

All those things make for a very bad fruit. Spit it out.

(sidenote: it's been a very wet year - lots of rain - I love it)

Wanna know what I hate the most about bad fruit? The gnats follow you after you get too close to it. I hate gnats. I want to squish them. The live sad lives.

Now for the Banana Bread side of this great analogy. Did you know that the best kind of bananas to use for banana sweet bread are partially rotten ones, even black? VERY ripe I guess you could say - spoiled, you name it. They're the best, but they taste GROSS alone, so only after they have things added to them, mixed, mashed, spiced, cooked THEN they are fit to be served. So rotten fruit (rotten boys) CAN end up being good - but only after being cooked, and mashed and spiced and FIXED. And the best part? There are no gnats around banana bread.

:D

Kaylla

Creepy Stalker Girl

I knew this person . . . who had a crush on this boy . . . in her class in 8th grade . . . and aww man was he cute and she sure thought that they were meant to be. Anyway to make a short story shorter - he didn't like her, told her so, she let the beans spill that she stalked him . . . and whoa. Luckily they became friends after that blew over . . . he never ended up liking her but at least the creepiness wore off.

I'm just placing a warning for those girls who believe that surfing the web for the boy of their dreams - through this girl I learned that stalking IS NOT THE ANSWER. heh heh heh. You may find out things that are cool to know but when you talk to him in person and bring it up you have to act like you don't know it anyway right? So just get to know him from him okay? Seriously!

And who wants to stalk boys anyway?

Gah. Some people pull the stalker thing as a joke - "You're such a stalker!" because I knew someone who seriously was! and it's hilarious! Gah, creepy. Anyway.

SO ON WITH THE REAL MEANING OF THIS POST. Don't be a Creepy Stalker Girl and feel bad when you read my post. :)

great advice yeh? I thought so . . .

My next post I'm thinking will be about how stupid and weird boys are . . . and how some are more stupid and weirder than others.

Love you! bye

Kaylla

PS - imagine that the picture is about a cat shooting love darts . . . I couldn't find many pictures appropriate for stalker topics :)

Anything and everything

So I went babysitting today - twice actually. I keep wondering what I'll be like as a mother. Two things I know for sure. My children are gonna know their music and dancing skills early in life. :) I've heard that mom's that sing and read stories to their kids in the womb actually tend to be more musically oriented and like to read. I'm gonna try it and I'm going to dance with my children as soon as possible without shaking up their brains. :)

I was dancing with my little friend Ella (I've decided that I'm going to name one of my daughters Elle - along with Amber Marie, Lillie-Inez, Joelle (pronounced zsho-Ell), Victoria and Virginia (for twins . . .) . . . I'm going to need a lot of daughters :D or they'll ALL have long names . . . ANYWAY - I was dancing with Ella and we just had such a great time! She's such an adorable little girl. I wish I had a little sister just like her.

Some of my favorite little boy names are all old names :) but not the common old ones. :) Like I LOVE William, and David and Richard, Martin - but then I also kind of want to name some of my sons after my brothers by using Cameron, Lee (Jordon's middle name) and Michael. So I think I'm set - not to mention my husband of course will have a say and will probably veto some names and I'll pout until I get at least a deal of 50-50 and I get to name my kids partly weird names :)

I'm going to have so much fun being a mom and a wife: they're gonna love me so much (sarcasm) (though I hope they do).

I also like the name Charlie :) maybe short for Charles - but Charles is a bit much for me. It's like going Fitzwilliam when just William will do perfectly well. ;)

I love the disney film Beauty and the Beast.

If you look close enough at what people talk about without knowing what they're talking about you'll see that there are similarities. Just like I love the bright color yellow ;) and how I suddenly just love using my locker whereas last year I really kind of just . . . didn't like lockers. :)

But then I say I love the song (unashamedly) "When there was you and me" from HSM - by Vanessa what's her face :) and I confuse even myself . . .

I have a new (extra) goal this year - but it will remain unwritten (another song . . .) haha until I have either succeeded or completely failed. :) We'll just refer to this new goal as goal number locks and secrets. :)

Oh and I finally have the money to buy the pieces of my uniform I've been in want of. My Friday skirt got a lovely comment the other day. I know - just in case you're wondering that I have a great lovely stain on my backside, courtesy of a rusty washermachine. I'm beginning to think also that the yellow shirts are very nice and also the vests. So those are top of my list. :) I'm probably overly concerned with my appearance but I have to let myself be girly in some way. I'm not a normal girl in other ways (I hate makeup - except the effects I suppose, I hate caring what I look like, I hate nail polish and nail related items, I do not spend longer than necessary on my wardrobe - I know what looks good on me and what does not, and I hate to shop) I was talking to a galfriend - love her to death but I just couldn't relate when we were talking about appearance and stuff - I complimented her and she complimented me and she told me how she does it because she enjoys doing it - I told her I do minimal makeup with maximum effort and pain. There must be an addictive ingredient in makeup because once you've gotten into the habit - you can only stop with the strongest will power . . .

Anyway - so she's a pretty normal girl for the world. I just couldn't relate but I guess some of us are just meant to stick out like sore thumbs. Being my own kind of beautiful is fine for me. I'm comfortable where I am and if I go out of my comfort zone (appearance wize) then it wont last for long. Believe you me.

How'd I get on this subject?

Well it's not talking about boys so I'm good. Not sure about the worthwhile content though ;)

How about this . . . I add a good quote?

QUOTE:

"Be believing, be happy, don't get discouraged.

Things will work out." - Gordon B. Hinckley

you've heard of this great man of course. One of my heroes. :) I miss him so much . . .

So now it's worthwhile.

Lots of love!!!

Kaylla

Shopping: Wonder or Horror?

Debatable.

So I went shopping randomly really with my mom today and realized that I think I have an inner diva! I actually bought TWO pairs of shoes! Which is like . . . splurging seeing as I haven't bought new shoes since . . . well those ones don't count because I thought I lost my Sunday shoes . . . but other than that it's been . . . well it would be ninth grade because my Friday shoes had torn apart when I was running (shoes I bought in 6th grade) and my only pair of sneakers I've had since our class trip to Washington D.C. at the end of seventh grade . . . and my gold shoes I've had since . . . well the ones I had before that were white and I grew out of those before then and so . . . I've had those ones for at least three to four years? So yeah - Oh! and my favorites! My raggy shoes that I bought for ninth grade and look like they're falling apart - well, actually they are falling apart but I love them too much to throw them away . . . so that's my shoe history - oh and then my bright turquoise flipflops. I love those ones - turquoise, no better color. It's in between green and blue and so I'll never have to play favorites and choose between the two!!!

And then there's scarves. I don't think I've ever used one maybe two of my scarves in real usage - like a trademark. But . . . for some reason - EVERY Christmas I get one maybe two and SOMETIMES like this last year - I got . . . 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4!!! I actually got 4! Yeah - they were all beautiful (actually one was really pretty ugly but that's okay) but I still have them all. Me and my unused scarves - so if you need one please ask but I'm still very attached so don't forget to return it :D

Shirts. I LOVE t-shirts right? Okay so inner diva says that t-shirts are totally NOT hip. So I bought a really cute outfit for this photoshoot thingy I did with my two friends from my old neighborhood (we dressed fancier and then had a pro take our pics! It was SO SO SO much fun! Talk about inner diva!) Anyway - so we did that and I realized that I could be modest really AND comfortable (I really liked those skinny jeans - first ones ever bought and I really actually liked them . . . I used to be so critical when that was the new style but what can I say now? I own some! ha!) Whoa - way off topic, what was I talking about? Oh yeah - t-shirts. No . . . modest being comfortable and yeah! so I've been looking for cute clothes that not only (and foremost) will I be comfortable being myself in but also cute and NOT a t-shirt that's advertising some company or other. :D It's great. And I bought some AWESOME CUTE BEAUTIFUL cardigans.

Someone asked me what a cardigan was the other day . . . I couldn't believe someone didn't know what the most popular kind of sweater is actually called in the fashion world. It was crazy :D (if it was you who said that - don't take offense I'm being TOTALLY sarcastic because even I didn't know what they were until my brother - yes a boy - became really into the . . . skater formal look - don't ask - sorry Jordon - haha) anyway. I love my sweaters and cardigans. :D

So. oh! Earrings! So I've been kind of hoping that my mom will take the major hint and buy me the HUGEST hoop earrings that she can find - oh man I wan't BIG ones. It's always been my dream . . . haha and actually one of the reason I actually pierced my ears in the end . . . so yeah. And danglies. Those are cute - I don't really like studs because to me it's either danglies or nothing because if you're going to wear something so small that nobody notices then why where it when it's either complete comfort (w/out earrings) or occasional tickled neck with BIG DANGLIES. AnYwAy . . . I'm weird that way :D

So yeah . . . I'm done ranting about the inner diva stuff. Don't mention this to me or I'll just deny the whole thing. And if you even think to use this as blackmail then I'll just delete it. ;)

Happy Shopping!!!

KAYLLA

PS - picture has nothing to do with anything but I didn't really want to go looking for a picture of shoes or clothes or stuff like that because even though you like wearing that stuff it's really boring in pictures. So yeah - whatever. :D

bye!

The Facination of the Genders.

Oh darn. The picture is too small. Oh well - you can see it right? Good. Well . . . I found this picture on my computer and I had forgotten that I had it and I wanted to post it. I had it labeled something like "Boy Meets love of life"

It's unforgettable. Yes many of the female gender is quite obsessed with the opposite (dare I say the word) sex. But - as I was telling my mom about something the other day, it is very possible to be anti-obsessed. At the time I was arguing against having a glitter infested board nailed on our wall for decoration. My dilemma: it sparkles. My argument: it didn't match our room. My winning speech: "Besides, I'm not paying for it - it's almost twenty bucks!"

I won!

Now how do I win with the anti-obsession of boys? You can't! It's dreadful. One day even I will fall hopelessly in love. I want to! Ahh! It pops out you see?! It's dreadful!. An anti-obsessed-with-boys girl has no place in my world! Marriage is the all-time goal of my lifetime! From there it's the "decline" (but I'd rather not say that because I'm actually looking forward to the decline more than the climax): babies, wrinkles, aching bones, etc. etc.

There's a game called Battle of the Sexes. I don't know how to play it or what it entails but I want to play it just to see if I win. :) hehe

Is it right to say that I'm a hopelessly romantic, anti-boy, T-shirt loving, formal dress-wear adoring girl? I contradict even myself! In all mathematical senses - I don't even exist!

So how do I exist?

That should be a simple enough question right?

Maybe the question is really . . . how do I LIVE?

I'm too tired and sick (yes I have a cold/fever whatever you want to call it) to answer that question. Come again later and thank you for "shopping" at Butterflies. ;)

Kaylla

~ The Ball ~

Friends . . . and of course that means everyone :)

So this last Friday I went to a ball. Yes I know that sounds extravagant but it was wonderful and amazing. I just thought I'd type up a few thoughts about it.

So first we arrived. I loved the live big band, it was just a wonderful and happy atmosphere and people were dressed up and it was just completely like a dream. I was only able to really dance 4 dances but that's totally fine with me - they were all wonderful.

The first dance I danced with my dad - I tried to teach him the swing but I'm a horrible teacher and I think I failed epically. Second I danced with one of my guyfriends - Drew (thanks! I love you if you ever read this - it always makes my day when you act like a friend! means more to me than you could imagine!) - who was a complete gentleman. We danced the quickstep swing or western or whatever - he kept doing this really cool dance move that I just loved. That was a ton of fun. Then later after some more fun I was asked by David - another guyfriend and a great friend of Drew's to dance . . . oh gosh I can't remember if it was a swing or something else but I'm pretty sure it was another swing. I happened to just notice that I practically always get asked to dance the swings. Hmm. :) anyway! That was lots of fun again. Then the second to last dance before the ball would be over was a polka and the boy who I've recently been attacted to (I don't like the word crush, like or anything similar - it's nothing like that - just exploring dating material - pinky promise - hopefully these people never actually read this *wink) - whose name is Ben asked me to dance. He held out his arm, watched a teacher dance, followed their example and swept me off of my feet! It was wonderful.

The parts of the dance in between those dances that I mentioned were spent setting up friends. It was hilarious fun. I was talking to a very beautiful friend who had come very dressed up (you were gorgeous Chloe!) and I decided to get all of the older boys who were just standing in a circle to dance with her - it went a-muck (my plans) and they ended up dancing around her in a circle which only embarrassed her more and I think she really wanted to kill me just then. Oh well! Then I set up Brittani - two or three times I think and I'm glad but I'm pretty sure she had a wonderful time. We have plans for next year's dance. We won't be going *wink *wink *nod *nod. We'll be having our own kind of fun . . .

So that was the gist of it. I wasn't one of the most dressed up girls but I felt like it was one of the best dances I have been to in a long time, even if I haven't ever been to many. I loved it all. I like that old-time-classical-jazzy kind of music much better than our modern racket. I wish we could have more dances like this one. Just a dream of mine.

Maybe in heaven. Another butterfly?

Well . . . I have more to say - but I'll say it in another post.

Till later then!

Much LOVE, LOVE much!

-Kaylla (the Krocodile . . .)