I'm Sorry.

No scenario, no background, no nothing because I'm just not going to divulge that - but anyone who has read my blog previously, maybe you will notice that certain posts are gone. That is not because I was scared into deleting them, it was not because someone hacked my account. It's because they no longer needed to be read - because they were all based on lies. Lies that I took for truth instead of going to the source.

I think I have finally learned that lesson...that's for sure. All the jazz and junk I have been writing was hardly ever anyone else's fault - but my own. I apologize for any misgivings I have had towards other persons...I hope they...realize how sad I am about that...and how much I hate all the times that I didn't trust their words over another's lies.

I'm also going to warn against gossip in this post. It's all that cruddy stuff that started this junk. I listened to all the little things I hear around and I let it get to me. I was so...STUPID. There are so many words I could use, and am using to describe myself right now for how dumb and horrible I have been - but I won't write that here. Just apologizing for all the mean and hurtful, horrible things I have said.

I made mis-judgments too. I have used words I didn't understand, like "perverted" to describe people, when I should have been less judgmental, and more open-minded to the differing beliefs of others. Not everyone is as closed-minded and childish as I am and I am sorry. I'm sorry a million times over.

I've been a jerk and made judgment calls on people who have been nothing but forgiving and kind to me - and if ever we had misunderstandings, they were my fault or through differing ideals of right and wrong, etc.

I have been a horrible friend this past year as well. Unintentionally - but all the same. I subconsciously used some of the best people I have ever known. I have called people names, I have viciously held others to my high standards and then condemned them accordingly. I'm sorry...

I have been changeable too. I have been happy about things and the way they are, and I have been angry and I have been sad - never just one, and never making up my mind; constantly changing with the weather of the drama around me. Drama...that I so willingly and subconsciously created myself. I have detached myself from people and then told them that I miss them. I have told people that I want to see them, then avoided them. It's been stupid and childish and wretched of me!

Right now, I'm so sick of myself and my silly mistakes that I'm ready to just go to bed and hopefully...maybe it will turn into one big horrible dream and I will wake up the night after Prom night and everything will be ok, and with the memory of this horrible dream, I could make everything right again.

But it's not and I have to deal with and clean up my own stupid mess.

I'm worried that some of my friends might think I'm being a little hard on myself - please don't. Know that I am completely awake, well fed and totally sane. I have thought through the facts given me and reasoned all of this out. I haven't divulged anything new to my friends, and I don't intend to. I intend to let this story end right now. From now on I'm not going to talk to my friends about other people, if I have issues with other people - I go to the source from now on.

Ugh...and I know I've said that before - and those people whose trust I have damaged...I know that it might very well be just too late for that. I know you're mad at me. I hope someday when I have finally grown up (really grown up - not this silly stuff about feeling older and whatever) we can meet again as common friends and with smiles on our faces we can move on with our lives.

I've damaged so many good friendships this year, I've given in to so many lies, I've been so immature and stupid through this whole mess. I apologize and if you were involved, I hope you can someday forgive me. I'm sorry and I hope you believe me when I say I will never do it again; and if there really is anything I can do to make it better - to compensate for what I have said and done, please - please I ask and beg that you will tell me so that I can do it right away.

I love you...even though I haven't acted like it all the time. I hope that if no forgiveness can be found - at least there will be some understanding.

I'm sorry.

McKaylla J. White