That's a lot of information I know to put in a post. Maybe it's open and weird and awkward, but you know what? It's a part of life and I want people to know, I cry to. I get hurt. I trust and that trust is broken.
Saturday night was one of the worst days of my life. I wanted to punch one person, cry on someone's shoulder - and settled for sobbing in my friends car and then once I got home? I screamed into my pillow and sobbed looking at the mirror, wiping away the mascara. I was wrong about the tears being cleansing. I felt dry, and empty. Completely empty.
I've decided some things. First of all, I'm not going to kiss anyone ever again unless I know they love me (which basically means after the alter and the vows issue going down), I'm not going to date seriously till my Sophomore/Junior year at college, and I AM going to go on a mission (which also infers that I wont be dating seriously until after I'm 23). Boys make amazing friends...but I just don't know how to trust and keep trusting them with my heat. I think they have clumsy issues, and when someone drops your heart - it's a pretty bloody mess. And I'm the one who has to clean it up while they get a rain check. Thanks a bunch.
Been listening to a lot of ..."breakup" songs recently. Just gotta say - calling it at "just friends"? is hard enough after the level of friendship and closeness we had, it's worse when they ignore you and don't tell you everything anymore. Yup - thanks a lot pal. And I don't care if he reads this one day...I'm sick of regretting what I say to people.
From now on, I'm going to say what I mean and mean what I say to people. If I want to shout out the window of my car, whose gonna stop me? If I want to punch him in the face - who is gonna stop me? If I want to just walk away because people are just sooooooooooo so stupid, I totally can. No one is going to stop me now. I have complete control of my life. No guy is so perfect that you can trust him with everything, honestly that even applies to after marriage...think of all the marriages where the woman has trusted her whole heart to him - and he leaves her with a new born and five other kids to take car of on her own. Yah...That's what I'm talking about.
Gosh. I have trust issues. I trust people so easily and when they break that trust I like...cut them off forever. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse. I'd rather just not trust anyone from the start - that way I'd root out the bad rocks from the gems from the start and I'd have less pain and heartache. yah...good idea.
I'm so tired right now...But I can't sleep. So tired of not being able to get him off my mind. There's no music about random things that I like....I like these two
But....y'know. It's just not the same. I wonder if I really want things to go back to the way they were...and I don't think I do. I'm tired of doubting him, guessing whether I'm as attached as he was (guess not) :P and just always having to have to lower my standards. I still love him...but he's not the one I want to marry - and why spend time on someone who would make a great friend, but who I would probably kill if I ever shared his bed. Thaaaaat's awkward. But it's the truth.
Guys are weird. Hurtful. Not-trustworthy. Stupid.
"Who needs a boyfriend, I've got my girlfriends" ;) and aint that the truth. I've never been so happy as when I'm with Kaytlyn and Kelsey. Kaytlyn and I can REALLY talk, and not just about guys! I've had so many gal friends and really that's all we talk about - I like how I can talk piano, sports, anything really with her. She's amazing :)
Life really just needs some major makeovers - time to change, like I said. New standards, new rules, and lots of barb-wire around THIS little country girl's heart!!!
Pretty much!
Kaylla
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