It's a Kick-Butt and Cry Hard Day.

Ugh.

Yuck.

Some days should just never...leave the womb of whatever gives birth to them. They start out as if they could be REALLY good days, and then each small disappointment slowly builds up on another one; weighing it down to the point of capsizing. Too bad my dingy has a major temper issue...

So instead of sitting down and crying and getting it out I kick soccer balls. Hit it as hard as you can and make an idiot of yourself. It's relaxing. Especially if you imagine all the faces of those people who should go dig themselves holes on the ball. It's very stress relieving. Pinky Promise.

And then...you are so tired you just want to....cry. You're tired and the walls of strength you build up around yourself have begun to crumble. When they fall it's as if earth could never even define flood except by your sorrows.

Then you buck up and start over right?

Well what if I refused to get back up and turn left at the stop sign? What if I turn right? What if I just...leave behind all my troubles? Start over, clean slate. If high school is like a big pond of MUD then why not just shove my way on through, kicking all those nasty clumps out of the way instead of pausing to see/examine if they might be pretty rocks caught in the mess with me. Because they aren't. It's all mud.

It's a good thing I have a handful of people who I've realized that no matter what, genuinely care about me no matter what. Yah, actually there are a lot of those kinds of people - but the handful is narrowed down by the fact that I care about these people probably just as much as they care about me. They seem....REAL to me. As opposed to fake, I know. But anyway - without these friends (some of whom are quite a bit older than myself) I am pretty sure my little dingy would sink. They are the scraps of sanity that tell me that life, even in its stupidity is worth it...even if it's just to get through it (specifically - through high school).

*sigh....

I'm so tired. So tired of the stupid games people play. All their stupid manipulations...I'm guilty sometimes but right now, I don't think it's my fault. And honestly - gah! I'm so tired of forgiving this person! Why can't they just...have different issues other than playing with my heart. They can play but I can't. It's all just a useless stupid mess. I hate it. I love them...if only right now because I know they are a good person...DEEP down inside, and because they are children of God but other than that I'm about ready to just kick them in the place where it would hurt them the most! Brutal, I'm sorry...but I am so mad.

And then they have the gal to think that a simple sorry or short hug is gonna make up for it? Heck no! The repeated offense is getting old and the patience is wearing VERY thin.

I know 1) if this person reads this post then I will be sorry about writing it but 2) if I don't write it I will explode. I'll probably regret it - just so you know...and write a long sorry tomorrow...or maybe even tonight but...right now? I'm just trying hard to keep my language clean of profanities. So far so good.

So what do I do...wait it out I guess, or come to a mutual understanding with certain said persons. (haha...that idea makes me laugh because it sounds so dumb and unlikely) sadly true...

So tomorrow I will face another day with a fake smile, walking back and forth between the hallway making up things to do and to get, just to see that face, talk them, smile at them, let them know I'm there for them when they need me - but inside I'll be crying. I won't be listening to a word they say. And I'll know that despite their fake/shallow promises, they will never be there for me when I need them most...

Because that's the way things roll ;)

Kaylla