free. at last.

so i had a really nice, short and sweet realization today that i would like to share with you.

i no longer have to pretend to love people who have been p**sing me off for years. it's quite a wonderful feeling. especially that i no longer have to say a pathetic cutesy hi to this one girl. haha. i'm done. i no longer have to go back to american heritage if i never want to ever again, and if i do - i don't have to pretend like i like those people. because honestly i will be going back for mr. haymond and maybe one or two others.

i won't list names because that would be blatantly rude of me, and i'm not blatantly rude {usually} but. haha but. let me just say that three people in particular i am glad to be free of. free for eternity. i never have to see their sneering ugly faces ever again.

maybe they always meant the best. but now that certain things are no longer apart of my life ...they don't have to lie about liking me either. and since they were his friends, and never really mine. i need never speak to them again. i. freaking. love. it.

goodbye pee-brains. goodbye watered-down-sluts. goodbye dramatic flirts. goodbye scummy two-face people. i am happily bidding you adieu.

quite the opposite of love,

kaylla.

{post script} if any more girls dis on my music using stupid excuses i will not be happy. i know you really just want to dis me, my appearance, my attitude, my life. i don't care, just do it. but once you dis my music you are in for a barrage of voodoo and i-hate-your-guts-snail-mail. you've been fore-warned.

and just for kicks:

Lies, Liars and...Lawnmowers.

Sometimes (especially recently) I feel like I can't trust a word anyone says except for a spare few, most of whom are either in my family or I have known for a very, very long time and have no reason to lie to me. One person said this, this person denies it, this person saw this, she said that....it's all a bunch of junk and I'm so confused that I just want to dump them all in a huge garbage can and laugh when the garbage man comes and they go screaming into a waste heap. Most of the thems and theys that are liars are girls. As usual...

I wish I could just really trust everyone. But I've seen them lie about other things, why would they tell the truth? It's funny - I think that most of the lies that people tell me they think honestly would be for my best, so as not to hurt me or so that I don't react and etc. But they don't realize that the other people they tell? Have other allegiances and will tell me or the person they are hiding/lying about and then guess what!! The secret and the truth is OUT.

Maybe they are doing it for my good - and in the end it will be for my good, in some twisted (veryyyy twisted) way. Because then I know who they really are...and can know that I can never trust them again. I trust some people more than others...but then I just am so tired of trusting people that I throw them in with the whole lot of them. I'm too lazy to sort out through them all.

(I'm sad...I just tore a whole in my favorite shirt...sorry...random...)

Anyway - back to liars. It's just really hard to trust people after being confused, because so many lies have been told at this point...or at least that's how it feels because of all the conflicting stories from people I used to trust. Someone has to be right...but Who???

Do I trust the people I've trusted for years and years or do I believe that they have now honestly changed on me and so instead I should trust the friends who I haven't known for quite so long. Everything everyone says is different.

How did everything go from being so good and fine, to this disaster?

I'm so SICK OF THE DRAMA!!! Seriously. THIS? is pathetic. I'm sick of petty little girl drama, I like-him-can't-let-him-know-so-I'm-going-to-lie-about-everything-to-everyone shiz and/or I-like-her-for-the-physical-and-nothing-else-so-I'm-going-to-dump-her-and-start-kissing-all-her-friends pizazz...and then other friends just telling me that none of them are who they say they are and just give up on them. I'm so tired of the drama that I seriously wanted to swear at them all. I wanted to punch one in the face, tear another's hair out, and sob in the other's arms.

Being a girl is hard. I should just mow them all over with a lawn-mower. At least then they couldn't bother me. Haha...mental image of just ramming into big card-board cut-outs of people who have been stupid recently. It's a funny picture.

My friend called me Saturday night because she had to tell me some things, that apparently other people are saying, and just a whole new level of confusion...and at first I was crying and saying I hate certain people and I just hope they burn in Hell and all that stuff...but then...still crying and still hurt, I realized I could never hate that person. I wouldn't trust them with my heart like that again - but I still loved them (crazy! I know!) ugh...I can't help but love these people. I hate them so much for hurting me, because that's just not fair and right - but then...I will always feel like they are my brother, someone I would talk to...or my sister...who I will never talk to (haha).

Drammmmaaaaaaa....I'm still not sure if I want to go to high school when we move down south still - because I really just want to skip out on the drama; but my friend Amy told me that there is drama in college too. And honestly - the kind of drama you have, depends on your kinds of friends.

SOMEday, everything WILL work out. I'm sure of it. Just not now, and not today. Today - I am going to the Library and reading and hopefully forgetting about this crazy world and situation. I'm tired of the lies...I hope and am willing to give them chances to explain themselves...if that's what they want - but whether I believe them or not? We'll see.

Kaylla

PS - I really miss my friend Nick. He was a great pal, and now he's going back to Korea...I'm going to miss that tall asian man. He gave me a really good hug yesterday when I drove by to say one last goodbye. He's my pal...for life :)

oh and Esteban too - gosh...I got more teary-eyed when I said bye to Nick than Esteban, but I'll miss him too. They were good guys. Not dead haha - sorry if I'm making it sound that way - but seriously. I'll miss them both a LOT.


Annnnd Here's a song to go along with the topic.

Drama, Bureaucracies, Geodes

Wow. Today sure was interesting. With all the potential for an amazing day, it went from just that to just the opposite to settling at somewhere in between the two. But meh, that's alright - life's a rollercoaster right ;)

So today like half the highschool at my (retarded tiny drama centered bureaucracy) school got called into the office. Some of them may have deserved it more than others but honestly - leaving campus to go eat lunch when they can legally drive and drive others? What's the big deal? We're friends, we're young adults - w'ere NOT STUPID three-year-olds with our mom's favorite pearl necklace - destined to break everything. C'mon, a little trust yah?

Some of those students that got in trouble, even asked permission beforehand from PARENTS - and STILL got in trouble! Seriously? We have minds, we don't need to be monitored for every little thing. Why can't we grow up? Stop trying to keep us in elementary school.

THEN. oh yah, THEN they have the GALL to FIRE one of the only SANE teachers I've ever had. EVERY student loves this guy - Mr. Miller. Let me just explain what kind of guy he is with this story:

Once (I think it was ninth grade, the year after I had him in 8th grade) we were studying rocks in Earth Science in the lab room that he and Mrs. Logan shared. We were supposed to separate our many rocks, classifying them. It was pretty fun but I made a comment I think that they were all just a bunch of stupid rocks, who cares blah blah blah. He came up to our table and told me that I was just a rock. At first it really hurt...I was already having a bad day and the fact that he just kind of called me a stupid rock - just like all the others, hurt.

Wait for it... ;)

So there I was feeling sorry for myself and he comes around back to our table. Silently he places one of the smallest and prettiest crystallized looking rocks in front of me. His point was different now. I started to cry (if I remember correctly - I excused myself to go to the bathroom or something) Later he told me the story of Geode; how on the outside it may appear to be just another ordinary gray rock but once you break it open, inside is a myriad of beauty - hidden beauty - and that's the true value of the rock. Not the ugliness on the outside, but the beauty on the inside. He understood and was telling me that though sometimes I may feel like just a plain rock through and through - I was a geode: full of beauty inside.

Today? He told me that I was no longer a geode (and at first that made me sad) but he told me I am now a diamond, beauty had finally blossomed inside and out...he made me cry again. Haha...ugh - I'm such a cry baby, I'm getting red-eyed thinking about it - He told me how I must find a man someday who treats me like the princess I am. Thank you Mr. Miller, I'll never forget you and the story of the geodes.

What is WRONG with a school that would fire a teacher like that? Ha, or what's wrong with the school that gets mad when a boyfriend and girlfriend give each other hugs in public? And what the heck - not giving us Valentine's day (we did anyway) :P Not letting us call our "Prom" just that? (haha *snicker...nobody even calls it "Royal Ball" psh)

Ugh. They're all just a bunch of stupid idiots with sawdust in their heads. I'm so ready to grow up and start my real life - away from all the drama of girls (haha...myself included - I create drama too - not gonna lie) and away from the manipulating hand of administration. I'm ready to just - grow up.

I was reading Peter Pan yesterday (didn't finish - got too bored) but it made me think about growing up again - and I don't know why Peter hated it so much. Honestly, we can still keep our childlike innocence and become mature and have it ten times better! Life could be so fulfilling if we would simply let it.

Well...C'est la vie I guess...haha and au revoir or however you spell that one :P

Kaylla

Guy Crazy

I'm guilty. With that off of my chest then I'll just say I hate it when girls hang around guys and . . . be like that. It kind of goes way too close to grossing me out.

There's a girl in my class who I've known since 5th grade who I love, yes, but who also annoys me like none other. Two people in this world do that - her and another girl. No names here either - just in case. BUT these two people . . . they seem to be attracted to the same guys as me. So for the past two weeks - if I like a guy, then he's practically in-accessible to even talk to because one or the other or BOTH are hitting on him.

Today I had my own little victory; if that's what you want to call it of course. I was just myself and had a lot of fun today but also when one of those certain girls was talking to him I jump started her - yeah whatever I got a slight glare but what do I care? I got my victory - the attention was all mine and I made her look foolish. I'm so horrible. That's why girls should never like guys and vice-versa or even be attracted until college when they can actually get married - it's way too distracting. And heartbreaking.

But I have comfort from one thought - the man who falls in love with me won't like the people I don't like, and will see those things in them too. In other words - if a guy likes me then he won't like any of those other two girls.

Another sad thing is that one of those girls got the part that I wanted in the play Fiddler on the Roof. But I think I've already said this - Far From The Home I Love is still my song. No changing that.

My friends tease each other non stop about boys - in a sarcastic way. I don't think any of us actually like someone (except me - I'm the weirdo of this group) :D which is great in a way. Hopefully I bring a fresh tide of water on their humor. I love them with all my heart. They're the only thing that makes not being liked by a guy worth it.

Every girl wants a guy to crush on her right? Or am I really wrong and super abnormal in my desire that a good guy with at least a decent physique will like me. Why is it that with guys Physique and Intelligence rarely go together? That's why I want to get to know No Name better I guess . . . to see if there's any gritty knowledge underneath those looks. :)

The hilarious part is how I'm not telling any names. If one of them read this they would know right off if it were them so why hide it? Oh well - not gonna change that ;)

I put as my gmail status "Love sucks lemons". I believe some explanation is needed.

Love sucks. Suck lemons is kind of a hippie way of saying when life gives you lemons make lemonjuice . . . except not. Sucking lemons if you haven't noticed is REALLY hard without . . . laughing and splattering the sour juices all over your friends. So when I say Love Sucks Lemons it means that being in love is like sucking a lemon, you know there's the potential for something really refreshing but the truth of the matter is that it tastes really bad.

*I'm done venting :D hopes and dreams are useless unless you do something about them.

*Never tell those hopes and dreams to people who don't care - they'll make you realize they're impossible which will prevent you from achieving them.

*Never take the same path as before - new ones bring different sores and sometimes worse ones but usually the beauty of the path is breathtaking; and if it isn't then go back to the old path next time.

*Be yourself - it's the only person you'll ever truly know except for Christ; you'll always go back to yourself and find that you're okay - that life is worth living as just you.

*Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches are worth their weight in gold.

*Tears cleanse the soul but too much cleaner leaves a bad smell and the case of tears . . . difficult vision.

*If you don't have enemies in life then you're not living your life right.

*Never recycle something that no one wants to use anyway.

*Take pictures of yourself being a goofball . . . and post it on facebook or wherever you go so people don't get the wrong idea.

*Go a day with your hair looking like you just took a shower and did nothing else with it. People will either tell you it's ugly or cute and those who tell you it's ugly . . . well they weren't much of a good friend to begin with now were they?

*Give advice that means nothing at least once a day.

*Read books that will change your life. Don't change your favorite books so that you can read your life.

*Country music is for people who are comfortable singing off-key loudly and loving the way it sounds. If that's not you then you need to practice loving the unlovable aspects of yourself.

*Step outside of your comfort zone once a day . . . sooner or later your comfort zone is going to be so big that you won't even know what that phrase means anymore.

*Go mute and deaf for a complete day at least once in your life.

*Never let someone tell you that love isn't worth the pain. Pain is the only proof that we're alive and human - and if love makes us feel that then Why Not?



DID you like my advice? It was all rather random but I had fun writing it :D I need to take my own advice on some of it but hopefully whoever reads this someday, it will mean something to them :)

Love you!

Kaylla