summer nights

i feel as if my summer has gone by in weekends, not full weeks. because when i'm with him? that is when i am happiest.

we hiked to the top of the payson mountain and watched the sunset, just like our first real date. the one i wrote in my journal about...the time when i realized some important things might really change for me that year. they did.

it's been odd going to the same activities that i did last summer, this time i know the people a lot better. they have become my friends. and one of them told me the other night that...although he may never see me again, he wanted me to know that he respects me.

and sometimes it makes me wish we could live our lives full of summer nights, where nothing changes and time stands still for just a while.

because i'm really going to miss them all. so much...

we watched fireworks, my friends and i. they were beautiful and the boom they made my chest was lovely. i think i will make it a tradition to go watch those fireworks, but always with friends. i think they make it the best.

afterward we went and got ice cream. since the soft ice cream was closed {bummer} we got a large tub of cookies'n'cream. best decision ever. and then we ate it on a friend's front lawn, talking and laughing. i wish more than anything to always remember those nights. because even when things aren't perfect...they're still so beautiful.

and then i watched the beginning of the meteor shower. and there were so many of them, and yes i missed some and he missed some but we caught some together. and i don't know what it is...but it's one of those things that makes life so wonderful.

and maybe i need a squirt gun...

but i have never been happier.

just me. just happy.

i am happy right now. not hyper like i was during my last post. but happy. content. my friendship with my cali friend is great. i am meeting new people and making lots and lots of friends. i'm a little nervous about school because everyone around me sounds so much smarter than i feel, but honestly...if i am happy with myself and the classes i have chosen, i know i will be just fine. i will have an amazing story to tell about my first ride on a bus {public transportation} and first time boating, tomorrow. stay tuned friends (:

i love you all. really. not joking. if i don't love you yet - i probably just haven't met you.

kaylla

weird mood

so uh. yah. weird mood. happy and sad. mostly anticipation. school starts...in like...five days. back home from aaron and megan's...i actually feel at home now in elk ridge? small performance tomorrow with singer's...a song i don't even really know. great. good job kaylla. i really want to hear his voice right now. i kind of wish she would tell me who she likes. etc etc. i feel bad for the abandoned lady on the corner next to wal-mart...i wish i could help her. joann's fabric and crafts is hiring, i'm going to give them my application. but maybe with EM sem, singers, and concert choir, i may not be able to? who knows. any job is better than none. i need a job, a license, and a car. i want a friend who will give me hugs again. i haven't had a hug from a friend like madison or brittani or cynthia in a long time. cynthia gives the best hugs. well, madison's and nick's are pretty close ties. brittani's are true but kinda bony haha. i wish someone would text me, or better yet - call me. phone calls are a lost art. i'm going to write a post about that. i hope when my friend comes back from cali that he still wants to hang out with me, at least once. i would even skip school if that were the only way. maybe. depends. miranda and michael are going to virginia. i will miss them both but i wish my life were moving on like theirs. so in other words i'm jealous. jealous that they get to leave behind this hot-hole before i do. long talks in the car with my mom help me put my mind in order. aaron thinks i can ride the bus up to slc but my mom won't let me. riding the bus is the only way i can go boating with aaron and meg though on friday. i really want to go. i was going to invite madison to come but 1) i don't know when he will be back other than just "this weekend" 2) i don't know how aaron and meg would feel about it and 3) i can't invite someone when i was a someone invited, meg's parents probably wouldn't appreciate it. does "iow" stand for "in other words"? if it does, i want to use it. it looks cool. bon iver has an amazing falsetto voice, i doubt any of the tenors in singers could sing that high...ahh it's really pretty. i wish utah weren't so freaking hot. i'm burning up. fry me up like bacon. yessuh. i know this is totally raunchy but i kinda wanna kiss some guy right now. well...not just any guy duh. well...him. y'know what i mean? another whispered conversation on a doorstep yah? stupid stupid kaylla. i had two weird dreams. 1 being that i was on a boathouse and my cali friend surprised me pleasantly from behind. the second one, i started out running on the SHHS track course thingy, and ended up going up a hill in the neighborhood and ended up roller-blading around the timpanogos temple. alex laughed at my pink roller-skates. yah, i have me some seven-league-boots. that's all. aaaaand pretty sure that sums up my weird mood. hope you enjoyed the randomness.

{post script} i am now going to watch the finale of "the nine lives of chloe king". i want to know if she ends up with alec or brian. i hope it's alec. {finger's crossed}

KYUR {killing your unattainable remedies}

{my last post was my 222 post. just thought i'd let you know.}

so anyhow. yesterday i went to hear collin's band play at salem days. they were really good. here's the long story.

lilly and i left the house, i was scared we'd be late and i'd miss one of their three numbers since they were going to be the first act. she dropped me off in the parking lot {which was full} and i walked toward the stage they had set up. i'm pretty sure he saw me just standing there for a while but i'm not sure. he never really acknowledged that i was there until after they were done. so i sat down, but then a bunch of other teenagers sat in front of me...the lamers...so i had to move in order to see the stage, which turned out to be a good thing because i could see the band even better than i could before. after a {very long} sound check and an {unusual} introduction of the band, they started playing "chasing cars" by snow patrol. yah, i know - i love that song too. collin pulled it off really well.

poor collin looked nervous {thumb awkwardly in pocket, other hand glued to mic were indicators}. but then oddly enough he's got a really good stage presence, like wyatt. their next two songs were originals, "resistance" and "i'm alright". i loved them both. there was a instrumental intermission during "resistance" and it was funny, collin went around the stage mimicking what his other band members were doing. like i said, good stage presence.

their third song, they went straight into it and it was like...whoa, that song is different. i'm not sure if it was trying to come across as more jazzy, but it was definitely a happy song and very well suited to collin's voice. i think that one was one of my favorites.

so then they were done, and i listened to the next group while the band packed up backstage on the grass {it was all outside}. i was kinda nervous because of what collin had asked me to do previously, the night before. aaand i just realized you don't know that story.

so the day before that {thursday} i was hanging out with nicole when i get a text from an unknown number asking for help. after finding out who it was, he asked me to help convince his band to change their name. it's pronounced "cure". i know...gothic alternative rock band. yuck. so i told him i would do it. what exactly? go to one of the band members {other than him...} and tell them that they need to change there name. i had brief flashbacks to watching the movie about the "wonders" who started out as the "one-ders". it was a great idea, but it just doesn't work. so i told him i would do it.

back to friday. the band was done playing and they were almost gone, i had to do it now or never. maybe i don't come across as such but people? they really intimidate me. i've learned to force it behind me through the years but i was pretty sure i was gonna be sick when i actually stood up to go tell one of them. and not only that, i feel bad for the bass player that i chose to talk it up to. but i did it, i walked across that green and told him my opinion that he should probably change it.

silly collin, either he was watching or the bass player let the whole band that a weird girl had told him that their band needed to change their name. collin came and thanked me, and we had a brief pleasant conversation. he told me he was nervous and sweaty but i didn't think he looked it. i also told him he owes me for saying that mean thing about the band name to his bass player. and then i practiced my awkward-hug skills {in my defense, i put my hand out for a high five but it was too weak so he went in for a hug. are there rules about this kind of thing? when someone isn't quite a close enough friend to give a hug, and not stranger enough just to walk away in farewell?}

lilly and i decided we'd stay and watch a few of the other performances because we really had nothing better to do, and wow. some were pretty entertaining although not for talent as much as random hilariousness. not to be rude but watching eight old ladies tap dance and be dead serious about it...was very...interesting.

sometime during KYUR's first song madison and i started texting, it was good to hear from that fella again. i hope when he's back in utah he will come visit me. i really miss having someone make me smile like that all the time. i'm afraid i looked like a retard smiling at a phone like that so much. it's good to have a friend once in a while who you know you can trust with most anything and even just have a good laugh. especially a good laugh that is mutually sarcastic sometimes.

there was a kid who sometimes was walking with collin who looked right at me. it's not like that's a weird thing, just usually when you look at someone who is staring at you, they look away. this kid didn't. i guessed that maybe he knew collin, maybe he'd said something about me. kids are curious like that i guess.

lilly and i decided to go and weird things of weird things, collin and his band of groupies decided to go too. as we were getting our car unlocked, he drove by, honked and waved at me. funny kid. at least he's not shy. even funnier, he feels like a little brother - close to my age but still younger. it's pretty easy to talk to him. not as easy to tease with as with chad {another guy in singer's choir} but a good person.

at home i talked to madison a longer while, and collin a little bit too, i walked jack, listened to music and went to bed.

{i had some strange dreams last night. filled with all of my old friends and a lot of my new friends. it's funny, some were portrayed at good, and some others as bad and not all of them were my usual perceptions of these people. just an interesting thought.}

Good job to KYUR! and i hope you change your name soon!

kaylla

PS - lilly took some pictures but since her camera isn't digital i'll have to wait to get them on here or facebook. sorry

another penny for my thoughts?

a bird perched on the edge of my porch. without really thinking i started edging toward it. closer. and closer.

and then it flew away.

my dad had been watching it too and made a comment that i scared it away on purpose. but that's not why i was inching closer. and that got me to thinking.

{"a dangerous past-time, i know"}

i was trying to get as close as i possibly could. i thought that the glass separating us would keep it from getting scared of me. it was less effective than i had hoped, but by the time it had flown away, it was obviously too late. i had already come too close and there was no going back.

i had that thought in my head...in less words, but then i realized - life is like that, only deeper.

some people are like the bird on my porch. you try to get as close as possible to them without scaring them away, you try different tactics: extreme slow progression, camouflage, distractions, etc. but in the end once you pass their line of comfort, they're gone. and by the time you have found that line {because let's face it, it's different for everyone and very invisible} it is always far too late. they're gone.

it made me sad because it was kind of a slap in the face of what the past month has been for me; finding that line, and every time i found that line...the people flew away.

i guess the safest thing really is to just stay as far away from that line as possible. get a zoom camera next time. {smile}

but whatever happened to those too scared to live life? nothing.

which is precisely why i always try and get closer to birds.

day six: a day with a kelsey

the day when i woke up early without an alarm clock because i was just so excited.

the day when we were late picking kelsey up.

the day we read scriptures in the car because we were late.

the day we went to lowes to get a fan.

the day i walked into kelsey's house without shoes as if it were my own house. isn't it?

the day we couldn't stop laughing with kelsey on the drive to elk ridge

the day i auditioned for musical theater {spotlight singers}

the day where i sang horribly sharp and the teachers still wanted me. yes!

the day i discovered that i really liked the drama teacher, Mrs. Dunn.

the day the teachers told me that they wanted me because they saw me as a mature girl, and a hard worker. pretty sure i am willing to work hard, but not so sure about maturity. hopefully they're right.

the day i officially was registered for school and it took for.ev.er.

the day people didn't appreciate my sarcasm about stupid registration.

the day they gave me a map of the school and i got lost looking at it for the front door. wow.

the day kelsey, lilly and i went around in wal-mart, shopping for the ingredients for brazillian lemonade.

the day we made brazillian lemonade. and drank it.

the day uncle scott came for a visit.

the day i realized that even if you don't see relatives for years and years it's always going to be strange, seeing your family's traits in almost complete strangers.

the day we baked papa murphy's pizza and ate it.

the day kelsey got full.

the day we experienced a miracle. kelsey is never full. literally.

the day lilly drove us all to the pond...like we were mature or something.

the day we took pictures, laughed a lot about nothing and everything

the day kelsey sat down in the water. heh heh...

the day we danced around an outdoor stage with a mural behind us, quoting PSYCH

the day we walked across the salem ponds bridge. intense.

the day we watched a dead fish, debating whether it really was dead or not. it was.

the day that watching the dead fish in water...gave me a huge headache.

the day we colored our driveway all up with sidewalk chalk with love notes, syfy pictures, notes of friendship to kaytlyn, and harry potter paraphernalia.

the day the sprinklers turned on just before my camera battery died.

the day our beautiful artwork was washed away, the poor shortlived romance of sidewalk chalk.

the day we tried to watch an entire Haven episode but...failed.

the day we all fell asleep in the car driving kelsey home.

the day i enviously watched as three bullet bikes flew by our car. baby blue, black and lime green.

the day we went to macey's after dropping kelsey off at home.

the day i saw michael morris at maceys, because he works there.

the day i gave michael a hug and we talked for a while about the future. i'll miss that guy.

the day we went and got some job applications.

the day i spied an adorable vintage red floral print dress at seagull book.

the day we went to bliss frozen yogurt and people told us that strawberries don't go with oranges.

the day that those people were completely wrong. it was delicious.

the day we went to wal-mart again {twice in one day? wow.} and couldn't find anything we were looking for.

the day i had to rush to mutual because i was almost late, and i hate being late.

the day kayli, erika and i had lots of fun during our service scavenger hunt...because all the beehives did everything for us. haha

the day i realized freshman are annoying...and i hope i was never like that.

the day we hung out in the cultural hall afterward and then ate ice creams and sherberts outside.

the day kayli taught me how to block your phone number so that you can prank phone call anyone you want.

the day i tried to prank someone, just to hear their voice again...and failed.

the day that the realization hit me that i really must either be a retard or obsessed.

the day that i was tired so went to bed after that, as always with lots of nothing on my mind.

kaylla

random cravings of the day. but not day six.

today was boring. i'm postponing day six's 30 day challenge till tomorrow.

gay and lesby commercials make me feel awkward. and weird.

i wish it weren't just the back of my hair that was curly, otherwise i'd wear it natural every day.

sometimes my music swears. i don't like it...but it makes me feel rebellious.

excitement is pulsing through my veins. i miss kelsey. just counting the hours now.

add video journal entries to that list of awkward.

tonight i lied down in the middle of my driveway, listening to indie pop and watching stars.

i also thought a little bit about madison. just a little. {understatement of a lifetime? maybe.}

walking jack is a good time to day dream about where my life is headed.

crystal light tastes really bad after eating orange sherbert/vanilla mixed ice cream.

harry potter's voice changes a lot between the first and second years' films.

i'm tired of apologizing to people who don't give a dang.

my face is beginning to get acne...? help...?

being nervous for auditions brings on pms. sorry.

tears scare men.

beeswax is really good for making your lips smooth.

if i were switched at birth i would be a lot less dramatic than bay and daphne.

i'm almost out of post-it notes. i need to run to wal-mart.

there's a spider bite on my back...ew.

where did i get the romantic idea of my love kissing tears off my face? that's awkward.

i can't change how much i think, talk or how i react to things.

so i need to find someone who can love me for exactly myself. drama princess and all.

my sweats are dirty again. dangit.

does anyone know where i can find a good guyfriend? i need a best friend. i'm willing to pay.

draper, timpanogos, bountiful...i still have no idea where i want to be married.

anywhere but provo. sorry.

next time i see this one person i'm not sure how i will react. will i gouge out her eyes or give her a big bear hug? probably the second one...i'd rather not be charged with physical assault.

is voodoo a viable possibility?

if my parents remarried each other...are they my step-parents as well?

i think randomly a lot.

ooh. lightning in payson. liars go to payson.

coffee smells really good. it's too bad i would never drink it.

i want to go to gold's gym at five in the morning just so i can stare awkwardly at my favorite blogger of all time. if only i didn't live three quarters of an hour away...

i want bullet bike. along with the white subaru outback i've wanted since i was 12.

copycats suck.

i'm a copycat.

dangit.

hey so it's like...kind of late, i'm going to bed now. but in all honesty i'll probably think a ton more about y'know, that person, and then wait for my mom to get home and then stay up late talking. hm. good plan kaylla. {imagine team putting hands together..."break!"}

love,

kaylla.

{post script} the neighbor's cat? yah, that one...it's posessed. i swear it on the bible.

day four: consumed

today i ate a bowl of jell-o for breakfast. no cereal to go with the milk.

then in sunday school i had a cinnamon bun. sis. anderson you are the best.

when i got home i had another bowl of jell-o. it's a good comfort food.

for dinner i had slow cooked potatoes, pork and broccoli. it was delicious.

i drank water a lot today. water is generally good for you.

i might have a cookie once i am done writing this. midnight snacks are the best.

kaylla

{post script} it's awkward telling you what i ate today. this 30-day challenge is awkward. it better not ask for my social security number. tomorrow's tidbit? my definition of love. this should be interesting. especially if i am as cynical as i feel right now. like i said: this should be interesting.

today.

today i cleaned dog pee and poo out of carpet. ugh.

today i helped teach six year olds sunday school. it was the best.

today i sat alone in the rain.

today i colored with markers like a kid again.

today i listened to calming music.

today i wore black and white, fearful shades of mourning.

today i threw everything out off my closet floor, locked myself in and sobbed.

today i prayed to the one person who i know always hears me.

today i wore the necklace given to me by grandma.

today i missed my grandma.

today i had more questions than there were answers for.

today i looked through pictures of last year.

today i wondered how life could change so much in so short a while.

today i missed my old friendship with brittani.

today i read through three months of meg's blog.

today my mom got mad at me and i wanted to run away.

today i realized it was just another thing that was my fault. again.

today i realized that some people make better friends than others.

today i realized i like sideburns on men.

today i felt intimidated by the other people in Singer's choir.

today i day-dreamed about seeing the ocean.

today i wished for a phone call conversation, and was disappointed.

today i blogged far more than was necessary for one day.

today i wrote posts that will probably never be posted.

today my hands stank of urine. dumb dog.

today i yelled at my brother over the phone. dumb pms.

today i nearly fell asleep in sacrament.

today i wondered why time zones work the way they do.

today i was lonely.

today i wished that i could share a sunset in it's full beauty with someone special.

today i wanted to have someone special again.

today i realized i was being stupid again.

today one person made me smile a real smile.

today i wanted to do something nice for someone, but didn't know where they lived.

today i really wanted an iTunes card so i could buy Katie Costello's album.

oh and today was mama v's, and aubri's birthdays.

today i wanted to sidewalk chalk something sweet on their driveways.

today it was pouring rain. but i already mentioned that.

today i wore bright red slippers.

today i decided that i would hike the "P" tomorrow rain or shine.

today i cried over hurtful words.

today i jumped on my mom and dad's bed.

today i cried way way way too much.

today my mom told me i'm not a drama queen. just a drama princess.

today i told you everything i did for absolutely no reason.

today you read this.

7 things to change.

seven because it's a cool number and ten is too many. but seven? just right.

1.) stop using smiley faces (: to express how you are feeling. if your words don't say it, then change your words. and don't do "haha" either. words, words, words.

2.) think about other people. you are too focused on your own loneliness, lack of friends, boredom, life...whatever it is, its about you. make it about someone else. charity.

3.) have an irresistible tan by the beginning of school.

4.) get a job. anywhere.

5.) start saving 40% of your money for a digital camera. this also includes giving up hope of trying not to copy your siblings and their passions for photography. it's genetic, give up.

6.) correct your horrid boredom enticed addiction to facebook.

7.) wardrobe: drab and all comfortable to vintage and comfortable. and modest. always modest. and don't worry...wearing a skirt to school? guess what, after nine years in a uniform you already know it won't kill you.

due date: august 23, 2011.

good luck.

kaylla

bread and piano: an evening well-spent

i love bread. i love piano. we had both at mutual tonight. it made me very happy. i chatted like a school girl again about my crush and everything. i didn't say everything though. i guess i'm not quite as much of an open book as i thought; not that i care that they know everything - i just don't want to seem like a conversation hog.

the bread was delicious; but this is kaylla speaking, the girl who ate whole loaves of bread in a day when she was little. any bread makes me happy. but then...her bread recipe was REALLY good, and healthy too. i'm excited to eat mine that she gave us to take home. too bad i don't have strawberry freezer jam like she did. {jealousssy...}

i also got to know Kayli and Erika even more. i love getting to know these girls. so often i'm finding that the kinds of people i don't see myself hanging or being around as much are totally sweet people and we really have things in common. Kayli has an amazing voice and Erika doesn't have a harsh bone in her entire body. they both have tender love lives too. oh yes, we divulged romances a bit tonight - kaylla is superb at starting those conversations - i love those kinds of things. they're the gasoline to my car.

then we went to the piano {i talked Kayli into playing and singing for me - i'm totally a winner} and wow, not only can she play AMAZINGLY, she sings too to top it off. i was blown away. and jealous (: always jealous. Erika played one of my favorite Jim Brickman songs too. ahh...these girls are simply amazing. We had fun switching off talking about music and playing some tunes we had memorized. i always messed up. oh well. it felt good to play again.

i hope to hang out with Kayli maybe, hopefully. we both hardly have anything to do. we'll see though where the winds take us.

i'm getting more excited for school to start. i hope my audition on friday for concert choir is good enough for him to accept me. please oh please oh please...

oh and to top off my night, one of my favorite people in the world texted my email. it's always good for someone to text you first - that way you know that they 1) thought of you, 2) wanted to think of you, 3) put the effort into carrying on a conversation. my heart goes out to you pal (: thanks for making my evening even better. (:

love,

kaylla

a moment in the trees

yesterday i had a small adventure with an old friend. we climbed a tree and brought her camera along for the ...climb. she and i haven't always gotten along, in fact for a while last year i almost hated her. almost. she hurt me, and because of that - i hurt her. that was wrong of me; but i'm glad we see more eye to eye now {even if she is taller than me}.

as you can see though...we are still smiling.

do you remember my post about giving those we love our hearts? if not read it here to catch up, but i can honestly say - i have given her a piece of my heart.

aint she perty? ^

oh the things you do in trees...

"stretch!!"

my comment to her after seeing this one was "ew gross! you can see down my mouth!" she just laughed at me (: haha

thanks brittani. i love you. always.

{post script} read and follow brittani's blog here (: {note to britt: haha i stole the pictures} haha

oh and a song for your enjoyment?

kaylla

just because

TEN HOW'S:

How did you get one of your scars?
eyebrow: i jumped into the corner of the TV set and split my face open. blooood. elbow: playing in the tub with lilly and we broke some glass on accident...feet: i got cleated. dont play soccer without shoes when your friend has cleats on.

How did you celebrate your last birthday?
a late birthday date with my boyfriend and two other friends to general conference...best date ever (:

How are you feeling at this moment?
pretty chill. baseball caps and bball shorts do that to me.

How did your night go last night?
so-so...
we watched Rango as a family and i chatted with an old friendzy

How did you do in high school?
created havoc and drama and tried to fix it. good thing i get a second chance yah?

How did you get the shirt you're wearing?
same way i get all my t-shirts, i "borrowed" it from a sibling.
this one happens to be lilly's.

How often do you see your best friend?
hm. everyone and no one is my best friend...so i guess not often enough (:

How much money did you spend last month?
probably like a buck or two tops. i'm in debt to me madres.

How old do you want to be when you get married?
somewhere between 23 and 25...ish....?

How old will you be at your next birthday?
eighteeeeennn...smirk.

NINE WHAT'S:

Your mothers name?
haha...Kara Joel Alexis Doriana Kuebler-Albert White. i know - it's a long'un

What did you do last weekend?
i went to a stake social/dance in a barn. and got my shoes covered in manure sand...it was great. to say the least. not even joking.

What would you rather be doing?
looking at the ocean. in california preferably. san jose to be exact.

What did you last cry over?
friends.
girls can be rough on each other if you haven't noticed.

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
David Tolk CD on repeat, sunsets with rain....family. my brothers. music. my friend in cali saying hi

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
four words: faithful to the Lord.

What are you worried about?
a new high school my senior year...and that my old friends will forget me.

What did you have for breakfast?
fiber cereal (:

EIGHT HAVE YOU’S:

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
i think so, yah.

Have you ever had your heart broken?
yes.

Have you ever been out of the country?
haha Canadia counts right? niagra falls

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
hahaha...heck yah.

Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
ugh. yah..

Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
ew no.

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
haha of course (:

SEVEN WHO’S:

Who was the last friend you saw?
Kylie? but i kind of just met her too.

Who was the last person you IM/texted?
Kim (: haha she's the best

Who was the last person you hungout with?
brittani. we watched Twister and ran through sprinklers

Who was the last person to call you?
Mumz

Who did you last hug?
a parental unit called Dad.

Who is the last person who texted you?
Nicole

Who was the last person you said "i love you" to?
said? i wrote it to Jordon. (:

SIX WHERE’S:

Where does your best friend live?
hm...difficult to choose just one...but the main ones: highland, pg, af, cali, korea, and france.

Where did you last go?
the mailbox. and smiths.

Where did you last hang out?
brittani bilzzz's 'ouse

Where do you go to school?
summer girl here. but salem hills high - soon. ish.

Where is your favorite place to be?
in a hug with a good friend (:

Where did you sleep last night?
an african jungle next to a hijacked airplane: at least in my dream i did.

FIVE DO’S/DOES:

Do you like someone right now?
i think so.

Do you think anyone likes you?
odd question. not sure - i'm not really around people other than family recently. jack my puppy likes me. obviously or he wouldn't be sitting at my feet right now...

Do you ever wish you were someone else?
No. where's the fun in that. (:

Do you know the muffin man?
no....we've never had the pleasure of meeting. (:

Does the future scare you?
a little; but then i remember that i'm the one in control and then i'm not.

FOUR WHY’S:

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
Because we can always be ourselves. no matter what.

Why did you get a Facebook?
because my mum finally said i could

Why did your parents give you the name you have?
because they liked that show with the girl doctor in the west?

Why are you doing this survey?
to waste time that would be spent in cleaning the house (:

THREE IF’S:

If you could have one super power what would it be??
teleportation. anywhere, anytime. i could finally be there for my friends when they needed me. and i could go see the ocean.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
tempting...you have no idea how tempting but no. i don't mess with fate.

If you were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring?
a boat. (:

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:

Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
in two years...maybe. it's up to the big guy upstairs what happens from this point on.

Would you ever move to run away from a problem?
yes, yes i would. definitely.

ONE LAST QUESTION

Are you happy with your life right now?
Lonely. but happy (: yes i am happy. how could i not be? it's beautiful out here.

tender mercies

a long time ago - can't remember who the teacher was, what year in seminary or anything like that - but i remember the lesson. {it was probably bro casper though. just saying.}

you know those little things in life that simply make your heart want to sing? and never stop? the ones that make you look up and with the man upstairs in mind, you want to just smile forever and never take your eyes off of his beautiful face. those are tender mercies.

at least that's what the teacher called them. today i've had quite a few...in fact recently all in all my life has just been a whole long string of them.

the week before last sunday was a good week in fact i'd say a dang good week. sunday for some reason i was totally depressed and tired, {still recovering from the cold-turkey event of moving i guess} but after taking a nap i was pretty ok. i don't know really remember what happened but after that i was able to at least talk to anyone without being snappy and rude. oh and it was lilly's birthday and my mom had to work, and madison had completely failed the week before to invite me to his brother's farewell...which brittani, miranda and chloe got to go to...like i said: cold turkey. more like humble pie.

anyhow...this week has be rough. i'm not sure if i'm just having a hormone overdose {shouldn't be that - "herman" left almost two weeks ago} or if i've just had way too much time to think, but really - two nights ago i was legitimately sobbing...{after which i decided i can't handle talking to my ex-best friend anymore...hurts too much...too many disappointments} but i think that small hour of letting myself finally cry it all out, all that hurt and frustration {i let myself be a drama queen for an hour yes- you know who you are if you are mad at me for this...i don't even give a...} anyway - that helped me maybe finally close the door. i can say one thing - i have absolutely no expectations of my old friends anymore, what happens - cool, but if my old hopes never come true then i'll just have to roll with it. i'm a happy person and like myself that way and when life makes it hard for me to continue on that way - i gotta change it.

anyhow...so before crying, i listened to mindy gledhill's song "i will rest in you"

which only of course made me cry even harder out on my front porch {i feel so much...better outside. closer to Him maybe}. it was hard to see my stars though, that's one thing i don't like about tears. kinda sucks.

next day...my mom took me shopping, or errand running really. ugh haha but we had a good time together. we got the preparatory papers for my school registration and were just all over the place between AF and Payson...yuck but we got it done. i was also able to stick to my "closed book" motto. no more pouring out {right now is an exception because i'm feeling very 'writey" right now.}

when i got home i put on my red slippers.

i listened to the CD that gabby gave me {i miss you gabby...hope portugal is amazing!} and listened to all my favorite tracks before listening to the new mindy gledhill cd that my mumzy got for us to "share" {i'm the only one who wanted it and the only one who listens to it...haha}

made plans with my mum to go to summer seminary {just you wait...}

the next day...? uh...memory loss, can't remember...oh! i registered for school!! i met this girl named brigdit {sm!le} who had awesome hair and a super awesome personality that i could see. i hope i have some classes with her...{crossing fingers really hard} oh and she had REALLY pretty eyes - like she could rival lacey monson {yah i know right?}

more errand running, not sure what we got. oh yah - ugly pillows that my mom decided she wanted to return today haha.

ok so NOW the good part and really the reason for the name of this post ;P

today i went to summer seminary. scared - i'm kind of a weirdo, psyching myself out like that - but then getting out of the car suddenly i was kind of filled with this feeling of "psh, whatevs - i'm kaylla. these people don't even know what's hit them yet."

wow. amazing lesson to boot. i would write up my notes but honestly...what i learned is that what i'm going through? a trial, yes. my fault? some of it...but not all of it. some of it just was Life...and needed to happen. i mean...madison and i would have broken up eventually {ha, i knew i should have been the one to do it though...hm..oh well. he beat me to it.} {wait! correction - it was mutual, nobody broke up with the other, we did it mutually. sorry. haha - sometimes i forget}

anyway - in the teacher's lesson {he looked like the guy from music man the musical with chenoweth} he used this song:

i talked to the teacher a little bit, after the lesson, and i told him how i was new, my senior year - i'm kind of ...anxious... {i'm not scared though...not really} and he was just super nice. it's always good to know that people really do understand what you are going through {he moved his soph year and his brother's sr year} and it kind of just made me feel...more like "everything is going to be ok kaylla...in fact - maybe even better than before." i sure hope so.

my mom was late to pick me up so i got a drink of water, met a girl named Emily {she said she'll see me next week - and i will be there - already love summer seminary} and dawdled in the bathroom so as not to be awkwardly standing around waiting. came out and talked to more teachers - then listened to music outside while i waited some more.

more errands laters....

took lilly's pictures

painted my nails for the first time in like years... they look really pretty if i say so m'self

had a memory relapse of one of the stake dances with madison and surprised myself by how much it didn't feel like...real...huh. it's funny how memories can feel like that sometimes. i know it happened - and i miss how i felt back then - so happy and infatuated...but i think maybe i'm coming to my sense {haven't stopped missing anyone in particular or stopped loving them, i just maybe don't want to repeat that as much as i thought i did}

anyhow...

then i was bored and was reading meg abel's blog {my favorite blog by the way of all time...read it HERE} and lo and behold - she had the same song on her blog {i went way back on her posts...} as we had listened to in seminary today! so i listened again...and i have to say...it makes me feel very good inside...in fact...if i weren't so dry - i'd cry.

haha so there's my spill. hope it didn't bore you - if it did then shove it, i don't care. i blog. this is what blogging is to me; sometimes my feelings change and whatevvs but i'll probably update you. like if i end up hating anyone? i will let you know (:

lots of love your way

-kaylla

ps - the music were my tender mercies

pss - if you're mentioned in this post and you dont like the way you are portrayed please just chalk it under kaylla's creative license and don't bother me about it - just keep it to yourself, leave the pie in the pie hole...i'm pretty sure i don't want another one of those kinds of talks but i'm just so...over with that life that...it's really just no use making a big deal of it. sorry. i love you. but i've moved on.

and since you've forgotten about me? i will take it that you have moved on too (: {even steven yah? cool.}

my responsibility, my fault.

{drama alert - post may be stupid and a bit dumb and depressing} {do not read if you don't love me unconditionally} :P

it's a hard thing when you discover that everything that is hurting you, ultimately is your own fault. i've come to discover that except for a very spare few of my old friends, even remember me from time to time. even those that i hung out 80% of last year failed to include me {even before i'd moved down here} honestly it really really hurt when i found out about it. i tried being mad, jealous, betrayed, but like i said - ultimately the blame came down to myself. the only way to be mature in my circumstances as my mom has constantly told me is not to push the blame on someone else but accept responsibility with open arms.

so it demands the question: why is it your fault kaylla that barely any of your friends were really even as much? because i myself wasn't a good friend. admission time: i was a drama queen, i made everything out of nothing and nothing out of everything. i belittled my used-to-be best friend and took for granted those who actually cared. i forced myself upon certain others until i was accepted, and chased after a romance that i should have known would only end and end with me the only party really hurt. yes we all say we are friends but lets be honest here...5...7...10 years from now...? will you really remember my name? will i remember yours?

i think back to my first crush in kindergarten, i don't even know his name. {ironic though - he was a twin - the dark haired one of non-identical twins...haha i just realized that...o the irony is really...killing me wow} ;P and it makes me wonder, if i don't even remember my first crushes name...how much will i remember from this last year? how many friends have i truly made? how many did i change for the better?

i just gotta be honest, right now i'm feeling like the worst friend ever. i've never focused on anyone but myself, unless the other's troubles are painfully obvious. i am just a dunce!!! a flat out idiot. if i had been a truer friend, then i would have truer friends. it just makes more...sense... and with truer friends, i doubt i'd feel quite so abandoned after moving out here. maybe...maybe just maybe i'd have had those last weeks with the people i loved and cared for the most instead of staying home because of my foolhardy stupidity.

it kind of makes sense though...when the going gets tough, the tough get going idea - that i should make new friends, just buck up and start over. but it's not really that easy...i'm kind of an oddball. i just...i don't want to have to change who i am, in order to be happy again...i shouldn't have to, yet already i feel myself reverting back to the shy girl of my childhood, the one who rarely spoke and was moody and occasionally rude.

the wind here is almost always blowing and if it is blowing, it's usually blowing northward... it makes me wish i were a leaf and could fly back, back in time and just re-live the best moment and fix my worst mistakes. funny thing is that my first mistake was myself. i should have stuck to one group of friends, instead of trying to do both {which almost failed}. if i had never known what i'd missed, i'd still be as happy as an idiot high on ignorance's bliss.

but then i'd never give it up now that i've had it. i wouldn't trade a single one of those memories. no matter how much i love them or hate them or how much i let them hurt me, i wouldn't give them up.

it's funny...i kind of realize now how stupid i was to think that if i let my standards down just a little bit, that it would eventually mean that people would love me more. in a way i was right, because i let down some unnecessary walls - but then...i became more attached than i should have realized any of them could ever be to me, especially since maybe i was attached for the wrong reasons. going back to the fact that i was a complete selfish witch. they were all good friends...and maybe i was a good friend at first - but i failed the long-term test, and ruined them in the end. {probably a good reason to add to my list of reasons for not having best friends - because i suck at the whole stupid idea of long-term anything} {probably a good reason for me not to get married either. at least until i fix that.....ha.}

so all this honesty has got one thing as a common denominator: i gotta pull my act together. i may not know how the next few months will come and go...but i do know that if i can make it one day at a time - doing my utmost to improve myself, eventually years will pass without even a second glance and maybe someday i won't have to say "what if..."

wow. today was just rough...

it started out really well with an adventure with lilly, trying to find a grocery store because we desperately needed milk, but ended with me here in front of my bedroom window watching as the city lights turn on...maybe a little wet around the eyes. darn allergies right?

so many wishes unfulfilled...it makes me wonder how it'll all work out, if it's even possible to work myself out of the mess this time. but day by day, with my david tolk music and jenny phillips and one chapter of that good 'ole blue book each morning and night...someday i'll be smiling again without even a glimmer of this frown...keep taking pictures of sunrises and sunsets (: keep being quirky, getting enough rest and eating right and maybe go for a run to force those endorphins of happiness when i find it hard to. some country music here and there, cookies and cream chocolate when it gets really tough...but always a prayer in my heart and in the end?...

"all will be well."

Kaylla

An Adventure

"the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."

at least i think that is how the proverb goes. not sure - you can google it i'm sure if you want to exact quote.

so onward and upward: my journey of a thousand miles? making a new reality and accepting that the old one has forgotten me and that i really should forget all about it.

so today for the bulk of the day, well it was pretty much being lazy and catching up on my favorite tv series "haven" because the premiere for the second season came out yesterday. but then around seven i went to a stake dance/social activity...

that was...interesting.

first of all when they said that it was at a barn i thought "oh ok, so like someone's personal gym or something maybe"...nope, it really was a barn. i have the manure and sandcovered flip-flops and jeans to prove it. first mistake? wearing those jeans. second mistake? ...can't think of a second one actually - but we'll see

so my dad dropped me off at the place and i wandered around trying to find out where the entrance was. once i found it i stood behind some chairs {new girl: i obviously don't really have friends yet...} but luckily one of the girls from my YW's class saw me {in fact i was standing just behind her} which i'm really thankful for because otherwise i probably would have walked home early.

i went to go play some volleyball with her and her friends {yes, awkward seeing as i don't really know anyone...when will it stop being awkward? gosh, kind of sick of that}

haha my favorite part was when the ball got stuck behind some railing and not any of the boys even tried to climb over...REALLY weird - where's Drew when ya need him? after years and years of our soccer balls going over the fence at AHS it ended up being me getting it, after like 5 minutes of waiting for someone else to do it. wow kaylla (:

oh and i took my shoes off...? not sure what was worse, flip flops on and manure filled sand or just my bare feet....I'm sure I smelled wonderful. but you know me - as long as it's fun, it's worth getting dirty. it really wasn't bad; just when i thought that i was stepping on poo...

haha

there was this one guy {troy? not sure} who was hilarious! if there was a blond version of nick, that was troy. truly a heart of gold - and he doesn't seem to find it awkward to talk to me, even if we haven't talked at all much.

met two emily's, one whittney, zack, saw jacob and max johnson again, oh and after volley ball i went to go dance some line dances with erika {yeeeahh kelsey - line dancing...maybe i was wrong that these people weren't hicks. jk jk} (: they really are all pretty normal, in fact a lot like the upper highland/alpine people

so we danced the chicken dance, got some drinks of water, talked to erika about sign language {I've always wanted to learn - now going to salem hills high i might actually get the chance!!} talked to Becca {another girl from my ward whose been pretty cool} and then there were a group of girls and we were talking - something about one of them hacked into the other girls' facebook account, etc...they sound like kaytlyn and kelsey (:

so then there was a slow dance. dunno why someone requested a slow dance at a social like that...it was pretty much outdoorsy stuff...oh well, but i really REALLY REALLY don't like slow dances anymore, in fact ahead of time i told myself - kaylla if there are slow dances, RUN. not walk - RUN. too late. Jacob asked me and at first i said no {then i realized what a JERK thing that was to do} {stop thinking about yourself kaylla} and said yes. i gotta say, i doubt many other girls can say they have had a slow dance with a fella like him. he told me how to sit on his lap so that he could move his wheelchair in circles but occasionally his chair would get stuck and i'd have to get out and fix it, eventually i just stood up and we kept talking (: what a fun guy.

i don't think i was able to ever tell you about the johnsons! my dad's mom and dad {my grandparents} were like best friends with jacob's grandparents, so my dad and jacob's mom families were really close, so when we moved here and my dad saw leslie, it was like a reunion! so i've gotten to know jacob a bit more than everyone else. they're a really cool family. really cool. (: max reminds me of jordon at that age!

so then after the slow song, talked some more i think, talked to erika, mostly i can't remember really...met her brother zack who seriously looks like he could be austin hills' twin brother {weird i know...maybe they are related...i should ask} {oh and megan looks like briana...WOW, i'll ask about them too (: }

got a ride home..."tidied up" and went home (: zack tried to tell me that i really should tryout for the soccer team, he's a soccer player too - striker - but i don't know...i don't want to make a fool of myself, showing up to tryouts and being REALLY bad. i dunno...i just don't feel like making a fool of myself. i will probably go to all the home games though - i like watching soccer (: even before last year.

so then i came home, took a shower to wash the manure sand off of my body and waited for my parentals and lo to come home - the went to see harry potthead {jk of course} because her birthday is tomorrow and they wanted to do something special for her.

now i'm going to bed (: night!

kaylla

Dance It Up!

Yup - it was the last stake dance for the summer tonight, and I am so glad I went. The fact that none of the gals that I usually hang around would be there almost made me stay home but for some reason I just felt like...getting out of the house (even though my sunburn isn't quite all gone yet...ow.) and it wa

s quite an adventure finding the place (should have known...gosh, it was Alpine - shoulda gotten the hint)

So the adventure started like this. First of all, I told my mom earlier that week that I wanted to go - so that she'd know she or someone at least needed to give me a ride - she was fine with it, didn't have to convince her or anything which was nice. Then Lilly even offered to drive me (huh?) (I know, I

was shocked too - usually I have have to warm her up to driving me ANYwhere) but my parents wouldn't let us take the convertible (car problems) so I had to wait for my parents to get home. They got home around 9...the dance started at 8 or 8:30 (not sure) but I was gonna be late anyway...so then we head out - my mom wanted to get some groceries so although Lil was driving, my mom was with us. So glad she was.

First of all, Google Maps? You're screwed up. I took down detailed directions on how to get to the stupid place, and we got lost (just like the first time I went to this stake center with Madison, Nick and Cameron - that was a car ride to remember, especially since Nick nearly swore...or did he swear, I can't remember - poor Madison was freaking stressed out by it too, guys are so rough on each other - good thing they're also super forgiving) anyway so we got lost trying to find the place, back and forth, Lilly got mad and nearly crashed because she forgot someone else had the right-of-way because she was upset at my directions; finally my mom heard me say something about getting to Alpine Blvd...wow. If we had known that then we could have found it TONS faster. After that, my mom knowing where we were going, we were able to find it EASILY.

So I get there and I'm supposed to party it up now right? Wrong. The moment I got out of the car this dude stands up and seeing my shorts (awesomely handbleached by moi) says I can't go. My heart basically sank to my toes...I'd been slightly looking forward to dancing with my friend who said they might be there, and the fact that we went through the stupid effort to get there just to find out I couldn't go? Yah, sucked. By then it was like 9:54 or something, so we drive home. My mom knowing I'd wanted to dance with my friend...and being the absolute angel that she is, told me that she'd rush me home, I could change and she'd bring me back.

That's what we did then, rushed home, I changed and we hurried back. I realized halfway there that I'd left the cell phone in my shorts' back pocket...ugh I thought but didn't think it was a big enough deal to go back for. Kind of wish I had... oh well.

So then I got back, it was weird - the dance was outside (?) but that was cool anyway, different sort of fun. I stood sort of by Maddie and Kinley (gosh I love Kinley - she is so sweet and really funny and just great person to be around) and saw Madison (who looked like a major stud, gotta say - as a friend of course) and Kennedi and Emily and Cameron...and...am I forgetting anyone? Well just a good handful of people from school. (: it was so nice to see them all!

So then the first slow song I'm there for...this complete stranger asked me to dance! It totally made my day that a guy asked me to dance...that's just not really the sort of thing that happens to me; guess I was just at the right place at the right time. Anyway his name was Jordan, I told him that was my brother's name. We talked about dances, he mentioned that this was his first one because he'd just moved from Northern Cali, I asked him but it was nowhere I was familiar with (not like I'm familiar at all with it, but I do know where San Jose and LA are so...haha). Then we talked about schools, sports - he likes soccer, and he said it was his favorite sport to watch, I told him how I used to watch our school's team - then I told him about how I used to love to watch Lacrosse, which is funny because I think he barely even knew what Lacrosse was (poor soul). I told him I was glad he'd asked me to dance and he said he was glad he asked me (kind of wish he'd asked for my number or something but oh well), he said he was surprised at himself for coming because he's not very outgoing and kind of sky - I told him I didn't think so because he asked a complete stranger to dance - he laughed at that (good laugh). Anyway - that was really fun. I love meeting new people who actually want to meet you too! Especially if they're willing to talk, I hate those slow songs where you're just...swaying...hoping the other person will move their vocal chords and never does. Anyway - it wasn't like that and if I had only danced with him it would have been worth coming...........maybe....or maybe that was just the icing on the cake and the real value in coming came later...hm (:

So a few awkward songs and dances later, I danced a slow with Jacob Frazier - what a funny guy (: haha he is awesome though. Then some more bouncing songs. I love to just let go to the music. Sometimes, depending on who you are with you can let go more or less easily and maybe this was one of those times when it was harder but I still had fun. Something about bouncing and feeling that beat in my chest...yah I'm a music weirdo/freak - probably why that's what I'll eventually go to college for...no matter how much I avoid it. It's my fate... (Lilly hates it when I use that word) hahaha.

Then they announced the last dance. I was kind of surprised that it came so soon (but then I didn't even get there till 10:30...and it ended at 11 - shouldn't have been so surprised). It was one of my favorite songs (one I danced with Madison once - go figure haha) seeing as that's the exact person who asked me to dance it with him. I'm so glad that I asked him to save me a dance beforehand...otherwise I might have missed an awesome chance. It was so nice, we talked about me moving, his brother coming back among other things; but overall what stuck out to me was that it just felt like we were friends again, really truly - even after all the jerkish things I've said and done. He's a really forgiving person...which is awesome. (:

Oh and he got new shoes. Random that I noticed that I know...but I kind of notice those things. I'm cool like that. Little things make a difference. And maybe Jordan asking me to dance was fun...but this was better in its own awesome way.

Then the prayer was said. We talked some more (I can't remember which parts of conversation were before or after the prayer though...but does it matter? We talked normally) (: teasing and having a good time just like friends.

I borrowed Jacob Kleinman's phone to get my mom to give me a ride home and after that dodged talking to a guy I knew...who is really talkative and is that kind of person that if you see them and they see you - they chase you down; so I dodged through the crowd randomly, then waited awkwardly on a corner sort of waiting for my mom. I peeked around a little bit to see where everyone was but for the most part they were just all talking. I didn't feel comfortable just barging in on anyone so I just continued to stand...awkwardly...(yah I have a skill for awkward).

As Madison and them were all leaving I said bye thinking that they - he - wouldn't really hear me anyway; turns out Madison started to talk to me, which was fun. Talked about the shoes (: haha - he invited me to go get ice cream with them (and I reaaalllyyy wanted to..) but I didn't have money (even if Madison said I could dig on him haha) :P and there wasn't room in the car, anyway - it just didn't work out, plus I'd already called my mom. Gave him a hug and teased with Cameron about giving him a kiss - the silly dork haha, (totally wanted to steal the hat and smirk off his face but oh well), I'm glad that goodbye was happy. (:

So then I just sat on the hill next to the church waiting for my mom...the kid I had tried to dodge found me, and I couldn't escape...ugh, so I resigned myself to my fate and talked to him - which actually turned out not to be so bad. He's a little awkward...and strangely huggy for someone I don't know so well, but it was ok in the end. I thought I was the best person at making things awkward? I think I found another winner.

So then he left...and I sat on the hill...alone...

For a long time...

The lights outside went out...that was sketchy...

I headed toward the other groups of people out there still waiting, just so that I was closer to people - sometimes its nice to just be around people, even if you're not with them. I also was thinking that if I gathered enough courage I'd ask one of them if I could borrow a phone so I could make sure my mom hadn't forgotten about me (wishing just about then that I had gone back for my cell...see?)

Then this mom drove by and asked if I needed a ride, I said no but asked if I could use her phone. By then my mom was about five minutes away so it was all good (at least she was on her way haha). Then this random girl told me to come join her group of friends, her name was Abby (I can't remember what her friends' names were....sorry!) but they were a REALLY nice group of people! Like...I cannot believe how friendly they were. (: One of the girls said she wanted to see my face so she shone her phone at me, and the two girls were like "oh you're so pretty!" as if they were a little surprised haha but it still made me feel good. One of their friends had his arm in a sling, I asked him how it happened...he said he got in a fight with a bear but he won. (To each his own kind of humor) but honestly, who can be so outgoing when talking to a stranger (even if you are with your friends) anyhow.

Them my mom showed up and drove me home. We talked in the car, a little about fate and all that stuff crossed my mind, what with the shorts, not being able to find the place, my only pair of long pants having been washed just that day, all those hard and good little things - leading up to this night, that actually turned out pretty good. We also talked about music and I told her that in our generation...we listen to much different music than she did - she disagreed, haha, but I'm going to show her some songs and she'll understand what I mean. (: then we got home, ate pizza and now I am writing this...at 1:31 at night/morning...and...all in all it was a pretty good night. (:

Kaylla

PS - gotta say the best part? was just the fact that with certain people I really was able to see that we can just be friends - and good ones at that. That makes me....really happy.

Night!

I Miss You

Right now I'm in sort of a low mood...which is weird, I haven't been in one of those for a while - I've either been really happy, carefree, slightly angry, really sorry...because I've been really stupid again and...just really happy all around. This summer has been a really carefree happy one for me so far - seeing as I couldn't get a job until after the move, I haven't gotten one yet (that will change in two weeks....hm.) But anyway - I figured I was missing some people so I would write a blog post about some of them.

Haha...one or two code names will be used sadly, not because I'll be saying anything bad about anyone (remember I miss these people) but rather because I don't want to embarrass myself. Yah. Anyway.

Duh Blonde. I miss the long talks and the strange adventures we had; like offroading...popping two tires in one night (seriously? what were

we thinking?), hot springs, shooting, reading the Book of Mormon in 1 week, music challenge, makeup challenge...I just miss it all. I don't necessarily miss the last few weeks of drama and sadness and weird heartachy stuff, and all the drama...following the mess you left me with to deal with. Yah and no thanks for t

he mess after conference too - sorry, rule or no rule that was stupid that you couldn't say "Hi". It's funny...a lot of the things that I miss, I don't miss at all. Like...I really do like wearing makeup (oooh horrible kaylla I know right?) gosh, you probably think I'm being a jerk, then in your head you're feeling bad for me right now that I've gone down such a horrible path...it's funny - because I feel great. I love who I am and I love my friends and I love where I'm going. And you know what? I love my music. A lot. So ultimately, I miss you - but I'm glad that chapter is over.

Jordon, my brother. I actually miss you complaining about me demanding hugs every time you left home. I miss your stupid loud music (I acquired your speakers by the way when I cleaned out your room...) ;). I miss having you randomly come into my room and talking to me, making me

turn away from the computer screen and maybe snapping some quick pictures with my webcam. I miss helping you practice Lacrosse. I miss seeing your walls and scarves when

I dusted your room. By the way - I found your sticky notes in your closet...it's funny - I don't think I really knew you until after you left for Texas...which is weird because I missed you a lot anyway, but then I really missed you because I realized I hadn't used my time with you very wisely. I'm sorry for being such a priss, so annoying when your friends came over...having my own friends now with annoying siblings, I realize what a PAIN I was. I miss hearing you down in the basement singing to your iPod (turn down the volume hon) because you are SERIOUSLY tone deaf. I miss trying to teach you how to play the piano (I'm still gonna by the way) (: even if your fingers are curved weird, we'll get passed that. I really miss you.

Summer...you were the best friend I had when I was an unsocial homeschooler. That was awesome. Do you rem

ember playing Star Wars? I loved how that one time we combined it with Lord of the Rings...or was it Harry Potter? Oh and your edited board game?! Oh those were good times. I remember your basement kind of scared me - and it was cold. :) And that hill in your back yard was SO SO BIG! I miss our childlike fun. I really would totally go back to that, maybe not permanently but I still totally would.

Katie. Katherine? No - you'll always be my Katie. Haha...purple taffy finger? Ugh that hurt my thumbs so much girl you have no idea what I went through for you ;) jk. I remember in 3rd grade being that stupid new kid and not having any friends, and the one girl who I thought I could make friends with (Sophie) was absent the whole following

week, but you - you found me as I was hiding behind the pillar being a loner and just randomly gave me a hug. After that, we kind of went in and out each year as friends but know this hon, I always loved you. I'm going to miss you as you go to college and start your life. Don't change too much of the world, I still like cars that drive on the ground ;) oh and I'm so thankful you got over that mushroom haircut, the rabbits, and squeezing the blood out of my hands. I love you :)

Esteban - Frenchy friend. You are so easy to talk to. I have no idea why, because you haven't been known for keeping secrets ;) but it's kind of impossible not to just love you. heck, it's awesome. I miss hearing you down in Nick's basement singing California something...ohh my goodness, good times. Oh and how you couldn't land your flips (not that I could either) haha. Our facebook chats about music and the school romances...haha and sign language in the hallways! I miss you. I really wish I could have talked to you more in person. Miss you....

Cortlynd! Ha

ha remember how my mom couldn't stop calling you Courtney?! and I could swear that the guy I liked (Brandon) liked you. :) It was a weird year, but weirder, is that I remember you and miss you. I think we really could have been really close friends if you hadn't moved away just as it was getting good. I see your grandma around sometimes, has she passed on the "Hi"s? I hope so because I miss your smiles. I miss how people thought we were twins, that was the best - especially when I borrowed your sweater hahaha. Oh good times. Wow...we were so little in 4th grade, that's like crazy weird - but I miss you too :)

Madison (you don't think I'd forget to list you...I would have put you first but I didn't want to be...obvious) :P (hasn't been long since the last time I saw you either) but you know you're on this list ;) I miss talking to you...gotta say you were one of the best things about my Jr. and last year at AHS. I made a lot of mistakes - but I'm so glad you've forgiven me. Dude, have I ever told you that I actually do have a song for you? Yah, it's the acoustic version of "Down" by Jay Sean - every time I hear it I remember one of the many stake dances we went to - the one that was the day after Prom. Those were the best nights of my life - the days after Prom. I also don't think I ever told you how I wrote a letter to you a couple days after Field Day (you know what I mean by Field Day), and even though I guess it was a really sweet letter I never...sent it to you. Go figure. Missed that chance. Oh and Conference and Temple square...ahh that was the best 13 hr date I've ever been on ;) haha and ONLY one too. I miss...cough...a lot of things, probably wont say everything I miss hear because 1) that'd be awkward, 2) I know you've read this blog a few times and some things are just between you and me and I know other people read this blog too, 3) it'd be too long and I have a couple other people I want to cover before this post is anciently long. So know that you really are on my thoughts a lot, and even though I've made mistakes - I still miss you. A freakin lot. and no I'm not going to change my mind about that - I never do...I just, get confused. :P ANYway. I'll shutup now.

Kim!! I was actually thinking about you today, I saw a golfer I thought "Kim is SO totally way better than that old bug there." Not that I'm biased or anything. ;) You were the one who told me about 11:11 wishes, remember? Oh and the necklace theory? You have NO idea how those have changed my life - like you REALLY have no idea. You probably never will...seeing as you never freakin texted me back!!! We gotta talk and hang out sometime. Haha, remember your party and playing steal-the-flag and that dude you swore you would set me up with once I was 16? Well...I'm free now,how bout it?! haha Jk, I hear you've got yourself a man too - why didn't you ever tell me! I've missed our UBER long talks on gmail chat too haha, wow, I read one once and I seriously cannot get over it - you were OBSESSED with Christian, like no way. NO other girl can pass off being more obsessed than you were - I thought I liked CA (heh heh remember the initials?) a lot but whoa, you're love outshone mine no doubt. :) I miss you hon, you seriously made my 8th grade year absolutely amazing! And so...I dunno just HAPPY. You've always been a really happy person - and I loved that :)

Cameron Allred! AHhhhhhh! My favorite memories with you pal are those math classes. Wow. I swear if I didn't know that at the time you liked someone else you were a MAJOR flirt hon. ;) Haha there are just so many things I remember about school with you, it's kinda crazy. Like dances - you have a very distinctiv

e way of dancing, it's kind of funny. Then the Shakespeare Play - oh gosh I liked you quite a bit. Yah, I know that was weird and kinda creepy - honestly, so glad I got over you, otherwise I couldn't have been friends with you. :) You've kind of changed, I don't know if we'd have as much fun in Math class but I will always remember you fondly. Miss the good times - but again - the chapters over, and life is good as it goes on :)

Jordon Andersen!!!!!!!! Oh my freaking heck. I miss you too. It's been way too long since I've seen you. I've gone to stake dances simply hoping I'd see you and now I guess you've moved to Ohio or Iowa or something? What's with that? come back - I still need a date with my hot friend :) oh and do you remember showing me that book with the airplanes in it? Haha ok ok so these are my two favoritest memories of you - we were in PE class and it was that parachute shark game and you tagged my feet and you gave me the cutest and sweetest look I've ever seen. oh it made my heart melt haha. The other memory is when you were "cheating" off of the teacher's math book and I wouldn't let you and so you sat in my seat or something...I can't remember everything but it was totally the funniest look you gave me when you wouldn't move. I loved it. Remember my summer letters? ahh, what a romantic girl I was eh? haha - by the way, your brother was HORRIBLE for teasing me about that. ;) Miss you pal, hope the midwest loves you as much as we all utahns do :)

*siiiggggghhhhhhh there are so many people I miss it's not even funny. I'm going to stop here - it's just too long and I covered the basics. Know that if we ever had a good time, I miss you.

*Gabby and Alyssa (don't you DARE think I forgot you - I just want to dedicate a post especially to you two) ;) beware. I love you guys!

Bye!

Kaylla