Para-para-paradise

admit it. you wish you were me. and you wish you had had a late night dance under the stars to this song.

or maybe a song of your choice, but it was with the same guy {no maybe not exactly the same guy, because that'd be weird} but he was your image of prince charming. like this boy is to me. my knight. my hero. my friend...best friend.

who knows where the wind will blow us but this i know.

we will always be just that. friends.

saturday night was wonderful. a masquerade dance? not going to lie, it was magical. and the fact that it was stag? even better.

it may have ended on a song that cut like a knife in my chest but he made it all better. he took me far away and we danced under the stars to a new song, we made new memories, we lived in our own moment.

it was paradise.

{should've known.}

Today We Danced in the Rain.

there i was, walking in the hall. you caught me by surprise. holding the door open and reaching your hand out. i took it. and we danced in the rain. today was beautiful because of you.

sometimes i feel like the tears are only being held back by willpower. sometimes my day starts...less than it could. sometimes your smile makes it that much more worth moving forward.

and then we dance in the rain. i feel the overpowering desire to just hug you sometimes. but i hold back.

but today...we danced in the rain, together.

and all is well.

kaylla.

twirling

there's something magical about dancing in and of itself. just the whole romantic idea. of course, if you're dancing with someone who is totally awkward, won't talk, thus is hard to dance with...it's not quite so magical. in fact, it's the worst kind of awkward.

i imagine the best dances are those with a couple twirls involved. guys might think we girls get dizzy {and some do...} but i can honestly say it makes me so happy and just very good feeling inside when they spin me around. maybe it's something of that feeling of not being connected to the world anymore. who knows, but it's magical.

i imagine someday dancing with that man who has changed my life, who i love more than anything and anyone else in the entire world except God Himself. something just seems so right about that idea. i hope he isn't afraid to twirl me, and doesn't make it so i have to ask him to do it. right here right now, i give him permission to do it without my asking.

what can he lose right?

Kaylla

cantelopes and honeydews.

dark figure against the window in the door. doorbell rings. my thoughts, put jack into my room so he doesn't bark at the poor people. open door, there's no one there. look down. posterboard, upside down. "I know that we CANTELOPE, but HONEYDEW me a favor, please go to Homecoming with me? From, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _". random cantelope and honeydews next to poster explained. walk out onto porch. watch craig's little white car gaper down the street. charlie.

yes, the words were all written in different colors and then the first group of underscores were in light blue and the second ones in red. i'm too slow, one reason why i'm not doing so well in AP Stats, so i couldn't figure out who it was from. Lilly's idea was that the corresponding letters in the color blue were for the top blanks and the red ones for the second one. she was right...because it works out perfectly...Charlie Flint.

my first thought? oh no.

second thought? how do i respond.

third thought? i don't have a dress.

it's funny...now that i think about it, if i had paid more attention i may have noticed something strange. the fact that craig offered me a ride home yesterday, that they took me home first and that charlie was there...it's all just...too consequential to be consequence. tricky fellows finding out where i live. ;P

so now that my mind is having a healthy dose of confusing babble of its own, i'm going to go take the nap that i was about to do before pleasantly disturbed.

...my worst fear? it's not really from charlie and i answer the wrong person. (:

An Adventure

"the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."

at least i think that is how the proverb goes. not sure - you can google it i'm sure if you want to exact quote.

so onward and upward: my journey of a thousand miles? making a new reality and accepting that the old one has forgotten me and that i really should forget all about it.

so today for the bulk of the day, well it was pretty much being lazy and catching up on my favorite tv series "haven" because the premiere for the second season came out yesterday. but then around seven i went to a stake dance/social activity...

that was...interesting.

first of all when they said that it was at a barn i thought "oh ok, so like someone's personal gym or something maybe"...nope, it really was a barn. i have the manure and sandcovered flip-flops and jeans to prove it. first mistake? wearing those jeans. second mistake? ...can't think of a second one actually - but we'll see

so my dad dropped me off at the place and i wandered around trying to find out where the entrance was. once i found it i stood behind some chairs {new girl: i obviously don't really have friends yet...} but luckily one of the girls from my YW's class saw me {in fact i was standing just behind her} which i'm really thankful for because otherwise i probably would have walked home early.

i went to go play some volleyball with her and her friends {yes, awkward seeing as i don't really know anyone...when will it stop being awkward? gosh, kind of sick of that}

haha my favorite part was when the ball got stuck behind some railing and not any of the boys even tried to climb over...REALLY weird - where's Drew when ya need him? after years and years of our soccer balls going over the fence at AHS it ended up being me getting it, after like 5 minutes of waiting for someone else to do it. wow kaylla (:

oh and i took my shoes off...? not sure what was worse, flip flops on and manure filled sand or just my bare feet....I'm sure I smelled wonderful. but you know me - as long as it's fun, it's worth getting dirty. it really wasn't bad; just when i thought that i was stepping on poo...

haha

there was this one guy {troy? not sure} who was hilarious! if there was a blond version of nick, that was troy. truly a heart of gold - and he doesn't seem to find it awkward to talk to me, even if we haven't talked at all much.

met two emily's, one whittney, zack, saw jacob and max johnson again, oh and after volley ball i went to go dance some line dances with erika {yeeeahh kelsey - line dancing...maybe i was wrong that these people weren't hicks. jk jk} (: they really are all pretty normal, in fact a lot like the upper highland/alpine people

so we danced the chicken dance, got some drinks of water, talked to erika about sign language {I've always wanted to learn - now going to salem hills high i might actually get the chance!!} talked to Becca {another girl from my ward whose been pretty cool} and then there were a group of girls and we were talking - something about one of them hacked into the other girls' facebook account, etc...they sound like kaytlyn and kelsey (:

so then there was a slow dance. dunno why someone requested a slow dance at a social like that...it was pretty much outdoorsy stuff...oh well, but i really REALLY REALLY don't like slow dances anymore, in fact ahead of time i told myself - kaylla if there are slow dances, RUN. not walk - RUN. too late. Jacob asked me and at first i said no {then i realized what a JERK thing that was to do} {stop thinking about yourself kaylla} and said yes. i gotta say, i doubt many other girls can say they have had a slow dance with a fella like him. he told me how to sit on his lap so that he could move his wheelchair in circles but occasionally his chair would get stuck and i'd have to get out and fix it, eventually i just stood up and we kept talking (: what a fun guy.

i don't think i was able to ever tell you about the johnsons! my dad's mom and dad {my grandparents} were like best friends with jacob's grandparents, so my dad and jacob's mom families were really close, so when we moved here and my dad saw leslie, it was like a reunion! so i've gotten to know jacob a bit more than everyone else. they're a really cool family. really cool. (: max reminds me of jordon at that age!

so then after the slow song, talked some more i think, talked to erika, mostly i can't remember really...met her brother zack who seriously looks like he could be austin hills' twin brother {weird i know...maybe they are related...i should ask} {oh and megan looks like briana...WOW, i'll ask about them too (: }

got a ride home..."tidied up" and went home (: zack tried to tell me that i really should tryout for the soccer team, he's a soccer player too - striker - but i don't know...i don't want to make a fool of myself, showing up to tryouts and being REALLY bad. i dunno...i just don't feel like making a fool of myself. i will probably go to all the home games though - i like watching soccer (: even before last year.

so then i came home, took a shower to wash the manure sand off of my body and waited for my parentals and lo to come home - the went to see harry potthead {jk of course} because her birthday is tomorrow and they wanted to do something special for her.

now i'm going to bed (: night!

kaylla

Dance It Up!

Yup - it was the last stake dance for the summer tonight, and I am so glad I went. The fact that none of the gals that I usually hang around would be there almost made me stay home but for some reason I just felt like...getting out of the house (even though my sunburn isn't quite all gone yet...ow.) and it wa

s quite an adventure finding the place (should have known...gosh, it was Alpine - shoulda gotten the hint)

So the adventure started like this. First of all, I told my mom earlier that week that I wanted to go - so that she'd know she or someone at least needed to give me a ride - she was fine with it, didn't have to convince her or anything which was nice. Then Lilly even offered to drive me (huh?) (I know, I

was shocked too - usually I have have to warm her up to driving me ANYwhere) but my parents wouldn't let us take the convertible (car problems) so I had to wait for my parents to get home. They got home around 9...the dance started at 8 or 8:30 (not sure) but I was gonna be late anyway...so then we head out - my mom wanted to get some groceries so although Lil was driving, my mom was with us. So glad she was.

First of all, Google Maps? You're screwed up. I took down detailed directions on how to get to the stupid place, and we got lost (just like the first time I went to this stake center with Madison, Nick and Cameron - that was a car ride to remember, especially since Nick nearly swore...or did he swear, I can't remember - poor Madison was freaking stressed out by it too, guys are so rough on each other - good thing they're also super forgiving) anyway so we got lost trying to find the place, back and forth, Lilly got mad and nearly crashed because she forgot someone else had the right-of-way because she was upset at my directions; finally my mom heard me say something about getting to Alpine Blvd...wow. If we had known that then we could have found it TONS faster. After that, my mom knowing where we were going, we were able to find it EASILY.

So I get there and I'm supposed to party it up now right? Wrong. The moment I got out of the car this dude stands up and seeing my shorts (awesomely handbleached by moi) says I can't go. My heart basically sank to my toes...I'd been slightly looking forward to dancing with my friend who said they might be there, and the fact that we went through the stupid effort to get there just to find out I couldn't go? Yah, sucked. By then it was like 9:54 or something, so we drive home. My mom knowing I'd wanted to dance with my friend...and being the absolute angel that she is, told me that she'd rush me home, I could change and she'd bring me back.

That's what we did then, rushed home, I changed and we hurried back. I realized halfway there that I'd left the cell phone in my shorts' back pocket...ugh I thought but didn't think it was a big enough deal to go back for. Kind of wish I had... oh well.

So then I got back, it was weird - the dance was outside (?) but that was cool anyway, different sort of fun. I stood sort of by Maddie and Kinley (gosh I love Kinley - she is so sweet and really funny and just great person to be around) and saw Madison (who looked like a major stud, gotta say - as a friend of course) and Kennedi and Emily and Cameron...and...am I forgetting anyone? Well just a good handful of people from school. (: it was so nice to see them all!

So then the first slow song I'm there for...this complete stranger asked me to dance! It totally made my day that a guy asked me to dance...that's just not really the sort of thing that happens to me; guess I was just at the right place at the right time. Anyway his name was Jordan, I told him that was my brother's name. We talked about dances, he mentioned that this was his first one because he'd just moved from Northern Cali, I asked him but it was nowhere I was familiar with (not like I'm familiar at all with it, but I do know where San Jose and LA are so...haha). Then we talked about schools, sports - he likes soccer, and he said it was his favorite sport to watch, I told him how I used to watch our school's team - then I told him about how I used to love to watch Lacrosse, which is funny because I think he barely even knew what Lacrosse was (poor soul). I told him I was glad he'd asked me to dance and he said he was glad he asked me (kind of wish he'd asked for my number or something but oh well), he said he was surprised at himself for coming because he's not very outgoing and kind of sky - I told him I didn't think so because he asked a complete stranger to dance - he laughed at that (good laugh). Anyway - that was really fun. I love meeting new people who actually want to meet you too! Especially if they're willing to talk, I hate those slow songs where you're just...swaying...hoping the other person will move their vocal chords and never does. Anyway - it wasn't like that and if I had only danced with him it would have been worth coming...........maybe....or maybe that was just the icing on the cake and the real value in coming came later...hm (:

So a few awkward songs and dances later, I danced a slow with Jacob Frazier - what a funny guy (: haha he is awesome though. Then some more bouncing songs. I love to just let go to the music. Sometimes, depending on who you are with you can let go more or less easily and maybe this was one of those times when it was harder but I still had fun. Something about bouncing and feeling that beat in my chest...yah I'm a music weirdo/freak - probably why that's what I'll eventually go to college for...no matter how much I avoid it. It's my fate... (Lilly hates it when I use that word) hahaha.

Then they announced the last dance. I was kind of surprised that it came so soon (but then I didn't even get there till 10:30...and it ended at 11 - shouldn't have been so surprised). It was one of my favorite songs (one I danced with Madison once - go figure haha) seeing as that's the exact person who asked me to dance it with him. I'm so glad that I asked him to save me a dance beforehand...otherwise I might have missed an awesome chance. It was so nice, we talked about me moving, his brother coming back among other things; but overall what stuck out to me was that it just felt like we were friends again, really truly - even after all the jerkish things I've said and done. He's a really forgiving person...which is awesome. (:

Oh and he got new shoes. Random that I noticed that I know...but I kind of notice those things. I'm cool like that. Little things make a difference. And maybe Jordan asking me to dance was fun...but this was better in its own awesome way.

Then the prayer was said. We talked some more (I can't remember which parts of conversation were before or after the prayer though...but does it matter? We talked normally) (: teasing and having a good time just like friends.

I borrowed Jacob Kleinman's phone to get my mom to give me a ride home and after that dodged talking to a guy I knew...who is really talkative and is that kind of person that if you see them and they see you - they chase you down; so I dodged through the crowd randomly, then waited awkwardly on a corner sort of waiting for my mom. I peeked around a little bit to see where everyone was but for the most part they were just all talking. I didn't feel comfortable just barging in on anyone so I just continued to stand...awkwardly...(yah I have a skill for awkward).

As Madison and them were all leaving I said bye thinking that they - he - wouldn't really hear me anyway; turns out Madison started to talk to me, which was fun. Talked about the shoes (: haha - he invited me to go get ice cream with them (and I reaaalllyyy wanted to..) but I didn't have money (even if Madison said I could dig on him haha) :P and there wasn't room in the car, anyway - it just didn't work out, plus I'd already called my mom. Gave him a hug and teased with Cameron about giving him a kiss - the silly dork haha, (totally wanted to steal the hat and smirk off his face but oh well), I'm glad that goodbye was happy. (:

So then I just sat on the hill next to the church waiting for my mom...the kid I had tried to dodge found me, and I couldn't escape...ugh, so I resigned myself to my fate and talked to him - which actually turned out not to be so bad. He's a little awkward...and strangely huggy for someone I don't know so well, but it was ok in the end. I thought I was the best person at making things awkward? I think I found another winner.

So then he left...and I sat on the hill...alone...

For a long time...

The lights outside went out...that was sketchy...

I headed toward the other groups of people out there still waiting, just so that I was closer to people - sometimes its nice to just be around people, even if you're not with them. I also was thinking that if I gathered enough courage I'd ask one of them if I could borrow a phone so I could make sure my mom hadn't forgotten about me (wishing just about then that I had gone back for my cell...see?)

Then this mom drove by and asked if I needed a ride, I said no but asked if I could use her phone. By then my mom was about five minutes away so it was all good (at least she was on her way haha). Then this random girl told me to come join her group of friends, her name was Abby (I can't remember what her friends' names were....sorry!) but they were a REALLY nice group of people! Like...I cannot believe how friendly they were. (: One of the girls said she wanted to see my face so she shone her phone at me, and the two girls were like "oh you're so pretty!" as if they were a little surprised haha but it still made me feel good. One of their friends had his arm in a sling, I asked him how it happened...he said he got in a fight with a bear but he won. (To each his own kind of humor) but honestly, who can be so outgoing when talking to a stranger (even if you are with your friends) anyhow.

Them my mom showed up and drove me home. We talked in the car, a little about fate and all that stuff crossed my mind, what with the shorts, not being able to find the place, my only pair of long pants having been washed just that day, all those hard and good little things - leading up to this night, that actually turned out pretty good. We also talked about music and I told her that in our generation...we listen to much different music than she did - she disagreed, haha, but I'm going to show her some songs and she'll understand what I mean. (: then we got home, ate pizza and now I am writing this...at 1:31 at night/morning...and...all in all it was a pretty good night. (:

Kaylla

PS - gotta say the best part? was just the fact that with certain people I really was able to see that we can just be friends - and good ones at that. That makes me....really happy.

Night!

Cross Country & the Dance

Shall I say that one of the most humbling experiences in my life so far was trying to run six miles in an hour? ha. HA! Because it was.

It was interesting. I joined the team for two reasons one being the physical benefits, the other to remain unnamed but let's just say it has the name of a boy involved. I know - I'm pathetic. Probably the most pathetic wimpy girl with a cruel sense of humor that you'll ever read about.

So I was running . . . jogging . . . still jogging . . . and I did pretty well for probably a mile. Then I heard the three boys behind me catching up to me. I have this thing about being beat by boys - it's the competitive side of me I guess you could say - and I tried to bring my jog up in speed - I was tiring out faster. A certain guy who most certainly must remain unnamed kind of started to pull ahead of his friends to catch up to me - I glanced back and then sprinted forward and tried to keep the pace but then all three took ahead of me - and I gave up (I knew I couldn't sprint 6 miles - ha!) but the clincher of what kind of hurt was that two (including the one that most specifically should remain unnamed!) looked back and grinned at me. One of the two (gladly not the specific one) ;) seemed as if he were almost sneering at me and the other one in friendly competition. Ha like I'll ever be competition.

That bugs me when guys not only think they're better but ARE better. Totally unfair. BUT that gives me a GREAT physical goal. I'm going to keep running until I can AT LEAST keep up with those boys and then AT MOST - keep up with Drew and David. That would be awesome.

This morning though I woke up and I'm not even joking - I couldn't lift my legs. I finally was able to but it hurt like the DICKENS!!! My muscles are still screeching in loving and tender pain.

Perfect timing for the dance that night too. I was so exhausted.

When I went to the dance I felt like I was half asleep. I felt a little out of it. I was way more outgoing than I usually am. I jumped up and down just as enthusiastically as everyone else - I got some of the quiet people to dance too and I was sweating too - which of course means I was getting an extra workout (like I needed it after the 5 miles I did earlier that day!)

What was horrible though was that my outgoingness just wasn't enough to get me to even say Hi to the specific person. I was RIGHT next to him. We were even brushing hands briefly and everything was the perfect time . . .

Except for I'm a wuss.

BUT That's all going to change.

No more being scared of slow dances. No more acting like I don't know the people that I do know. I'm going to actually be myself wherEVER I am.

Good Goal eh? I think so too.

More about the Dance though. There was awesome music, okayish food, lots of dancing, lots of people to watch, tons of laughs, spins and twirls, bops and hops, lots of glances toward a certain figure . . .

Last night I dreamt of only the dance and what could have happened last night. My mind went crazy with my silly decision of non-action. Everything good happens in my dreams. When will I have the courage to make my dreams reality? And should I?

I love my life and I love everyone around me and I love myself the way I am. But how do I make all of them work together!? This is the year. I know it!

Like it's expressed in Fiddler on the Roof - things can only get better for me right?

I LOVE YOU!!!! So now Good Night.

Kaylla

PS- I really wish I had a facebook account . . . just two more years . . . :)

PPS - I just reread this post and I'm too lazy to go and actually fix the problem but above when I was talking about my little competition with those boys in cross country - I don't know how it sounded to anyone else but I really have no hard feelings for any of them. In fact I see it as rather humorous ;)