thoughts on children

so a while back i was made a primary worker. i work with these adorable 4-5 year olds and some {especially two certain boys} are absolutely crazy. they're basically bouncing off the walls and couldn't sit still even if they wanted to it feels like.


and today, i realized - they're like static energy! the energy just keeps building up and they have no opportunities to let it loose so they're forced to have little sparks all the time, and they can't focus. they can't just touch ground and have it all be gone though, especially in our society where the normal activities encouraged for children are sitting and coloring or sitting and playing with cars or sitting and watching the video games/movies. they're always told they have to sit and be still. no exploring allowed.

these children with their abundance of energy are stuck.

people, or rather "adults" today hit upon something that struck their fancy. they like to blame things on chemical imbalances. in other words, in our society today we like to say that these children aren't normal. in fact they have a problem. something is wrong with them. they have ADD, ADHD or are Bipolar. seriously? a child bipolar?

so they give these children medications, anesthetics and chemicals and stuff that their tiny little bodies don't naturally produce on their own. then those children have bad side-effects to those medications and get another medication to balance them out. it goes on and has been known to go on as far as some cases where a child will be on as many as eight medications for one "problem". this is horrible!

especially if you stop blindly trusting in these "doctors" and research what these pills are. many of them are anesthetics and just a clue - "anesthetics" comes from the greek and means basically "to deaden". these children are given chemicals to deaden them! not to help them live.

so what to do? instead of killing these beautiful spirits, shouldn't we be helping them to live and to be excited for life? {as they were originally i might add, just with more energy than usual} i want to bring it all back the idea that they are like static energy.

how do you get rid of static energy? you use it. it touches a surface and it's let loose! in my opinion if these children were allowed to be unique, to explore and examine every little detail, they may not have so much energy to spare. maybe if they were allowed to run and not stop at the right time and in the right ways, then when it's preferred to be reverent and still {like in church} they may not have as hard of a time with it.

those are my thoughts and my opinion. hopefully i stepped on some toes.

hard.

the hardest part about saying goodbye to your best friend for two years is that your best friend isn't there to comfort you through the heartache.

i miss him. and people keep asking if i want to talk about it {the normal girl cure.} but i don't. i tell myself in my mind that it's okay. i'm stronger than this. because i am.

i'm so proud of my friend for serving the Lord. and i am doing everything i can to do the same. and i'm thankful that i had a friend who encouraged me to do just that. quite simply, i am happier than i have ever been. after all, he is serving the Lord. that doesn't mean we love each other any less, or that i won't ever see him again - because i will. and i keep my promises.

{i've even joked with him that even if i wanted to, i don't have time to find someone and get married before he gets back. it's chronically impossible.}

i love him. {and even though i'm not "waiting" for him} i'll see him again.

decisions.

it usually comes down to this: a decision.
everything in life requires decisions.

so why am i so bad at them?

someday i will have to make a decision.
a very hard one.
we all have to eventually.
and we can't take turns with this one.
it's completely up to that one person.

and talking to my mom about some decisions last night
she was completely honest with me.
they are meant to be hard.

otherwise they would be easy.

and then where would the fun be in life?
{oh i dunno...}

but to tell myself the truth?
i don't want certain decisions to come.

i want to stay awake at night till the sun rises sometimes
i want money and jobs to be more easy to come by
i want to live in a nation that isn't so blind
i want the next two years to completely change me
and yet not change us at all.
oh, and i really want Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit to be PG.

i know. wishful thinking. it got no one anywhere.

only decisions get people moving.

i'm just scared that one day,
i will have to make a decision between my heart
and the world i have always lived in.
and no matter which one i choose, i lose something
a part of who i have become.

decisions.

spiders

last night i had a bad dream.

a spider was on the front side of the back of my chair.

its body was so small, but had legs that expanded at least four inches in each direction.

i woke up in a cold sweat and ran to my mom's room.

i barely remember going back to my room, her turning on the light and telling me that there was no spider there.

that it must have been a dream.

or rather, a nightmare.

i remember her asking me whether i squished it in my dream.

that's an odd question you might think.

but in my family, i guess it's not.

apparently there's this superstition that if you dream about spiders, it's telling of something bad that is about to happen.

if you kill the spider, then it won't happen.


purely nonsense.


but then why am i not afraid of spiders in reality...and i'm terrified of them in my sleep?

life is sneaky.

yes. i know it is passed midnight.

but after talking on the phone with a friend tonight it kind of hit me. i'm living the life i never thought i'd see. all my guys basically have their mission calls. my best friend who's a girl is now officially married. i'm an aunt. i'm less than a year away from my own mission {hopefully, fingers crossed}.

it's all just kind of...crazy.

i mean, i could be married in two and a half years. seriously. and a kid in at least four.

what?

that was not in the plan so soon. i wasn't going to get married for another four years. my whole life snuck up on me and i didn't even realize it.

and right now...i'm almost not sure what to do with myself. where did the time go? i have to get my wisdom teeth out soon? no!

and i'm still in shock.

in my mind...i have always had a five year plan. pretty much at least. i knew where i was going. and if i was unsure - i figured it out in my head and let things happen.

today that changed. God took control of the car i thought i was supposed to be driving. sister missionaries can now serve at the age of nineteen, and that's only six months away for me now.

at first...i'll admit. i was scared. i'm not ready. what about school. suddenly the two years of my life that i was wishing were already gone...were. {careful what you wish for, right?} and while everyone around me was celebrating, i felt like i was a little johnny raincloud, still uncertain of her future.

and honestly, i'm not sure what i'm going to do just yet. i know three things though. i have been taking mission prep for a reason. my brother is right - i have to go because i want to, not for anyone else. and finally...like bro. newman said in mission prep - for sister missionaries, the Lord will let me know what the right path for me is.

all of the implications this forces into my head are....mind-blowing. here i was, having to have to wait six months after my best friend seth even got home from his mission and now...he and i may be serving at the same time, and if i were to go the month after my birthday, i'd still be home before him. crazy-sauce.

it's kind of funny too...the more i think about it, the more my mom and i talk about it, it feels like the more things are simply falling into place.

when i came home after listening to the second session up the canyon with a group of friends, i sat down and talked to my mom. and once i was finally able to talk it through with her. i cried. and i laughed at the same time! that's never happened to me before. and it was wonderful.

again, i'm not sure what will happen. but i trust the Lord. and regardless...i am so very, very excited.

Invention of Love

it made me think. about what love really is. and how beautiful, and special.

and maybe kind of a hauntingly beautiful short film, but i liked it.

honesty, criticism, reality.

i'm a horrible person.

{yay for stupid-me and what-have-i-done-now posts. this is one of those. it will probably be deleted within the next 24 hrs so read while you still can.}

but i am.

and sometimes i just want others to admit it too. but not in an angry way. why can't people have conversations like:

"hi. i'm a horrible person. i enjoyed pulling the legs off of flies when i was little. they were still alive."

and then they answer

"wow. you really are a horrible person."

or maybe:

"well hello. will you please line up for me to break your heart? i won't mean to, but i'm a complete realist and if you don't fit the bill...bzzzp! you'r out."

"well that's just dumb. why would anyone sign up for that?"

honesty never killed anyone. it certainly hasn't killed me yet, and i am a firm believer in giving and taking it.

for example, today my mom told me:

"if you constantly push people away, they're going to come to expect that. and they will never come back. you can't treat people like plastic bags, saving them only for when you need them. that's selfish."

{those weren't her exact words...but rather what i heard. isn't is funny how sometimes our thoughts are much more eloquent? and harsh.}

but i agree.

and if you are one of those people...

i am so sorry.




i will be better.

the german army.

"No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness — they have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only ma who knows to the full what temptation means — the only complete realist."

-C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

soundtrack post mortem.

i wonder if Heavenly Father lets us choose the soundtrack to the movie of our lives that we watch when we've kicked it. and honestly, i know which ones i want. at least a good few.

for suspenseful, thought-provoking moments.



for the mornings that i wake up with a smile.



for the moments when i felt like all was lost, when nothing was quite worth it.



when i go exploring, or starting a new journey/adventure.



for happy peaceful moments, when i feel more in love than i ever thought possible.



when rocking a small child to sleep



for when i walk around campus, happy and healthy without a care in the world



as the day comes to an end. and we say goodnight, wrapped in each other's arms and filled with the never-ending love for one another. and we know, it was worth the wait.


{disregard any movies these are found from. i like the song for many of them and haven't even seen all of these movies.}

hope you enjoy.

a brother's advice.

my oldest brother is full of wisdom. and when we talk, i feel like he respects me and treats me the age that i am and with the responsibility that i should and try to have. i don't think i would be at my maturity level to the extent that i am, without him.

and today, we went for a walk. and we talked about relationships. and he {like so often before} opened my eyes to something i have overlooked.

and i feel empowered with that knowledge. the knowledge that i can determine my own destiny and where my life will go. and i can breathe so freely right now. and i am full of excitement, although nervous, at what could follow.

sometimes we have to take a leap, a risk and hope that these decisions that we make with our life will turn out for the best. but the Lord trusts us to use the intellect which He gave us. one who has to be commanded in all things is a slothful servant basically.

so i take my destiny into my hands.

we will see what happens. and i hope that i don't learn the hard way that what i want isn't always my best choice. but maybe, maybe it is what will eventually be the best for me. maybe i will grow all the more for reaching out and taking my destiny by the hand and guiding myself.

i can do this.

and i love my brother. i am constantly reminded of why i have always wanted to marry someone like him. and i hope that someday i do, and that he will love me. and i hope that we will be compatible and in love.

and that is all. {smile.}

homecoming

today i went to one of my brother's best friend's homecoming. their family and my family used to have gospel discussions on our back porch. his dad was my sunday-school teacher twice and his sister, was one of my best and only friends during those years living there.

and so we went back today, after nearly two years {for me at least}. and it was crazy how easy it was to talk to some people, and how ridiculously hard it was to talk to others {still}. when we moved i was so confused and angry, i think i blamed it on anything and everything and i forgot that it wasn't their fault. so i'm sorry.

it was strange being able to talk to one kid who i know {back in the day}, he liked me...and honestly, i really liked him too {even if he was a bit rude and teased me and flirted in a way i didn't understand}. but talking to him and my other friends today, being able to finally have let myself grow up, become happy...

it was wonderful.

i felt free and relaxed and confident {most of the time}. and i'm not really sure why i was ever nervous to visit them. maybe we all really have just grown up a bit. maybe people do change for the better. and maybe we make judgments and never bother to fix them, and end up living our lives in the darkness of bitterness. and i'm sorry.

and i'm so glad that he's back from his mission. and i'm glad i've finally learned to let go. and i'm really glad the people i was dreading to see weren't even there. and i'm glad to have made new friends in people is didn't like, and remembered friends in old ones.

it was a lovely experience.

summer nights

i feel as if my summer has gone by in weekends, not full weeks. because when i'm with him? that is when i am happiest.

we hiked to the top of the payson mountain and watched the sunset, just like our first real date. the one i wrote in my journal about...the time when i realized some important things might really change for me that year. they did.

it's been odd going to the same activities that i did last summer, this time i know the people a lot better. they have become my friends. and one of them told me the other night that...although he may never see me again, he wanted me to know that he respects me.

and sometimes it makes me wish we could live our lives full of summer nights, where nothing changes and time stands still for just a while.

because i'm really going to miss them all. so much...

we watched fireworks, my friends and i. they were beautiful and the boom they made my chest was lovely. i think i will make it a tradition to go watch those fireworks, but always with friends. i think they make it the best.

afterward we went and got ice cream. since the soft ice cream was closed {bummer} we got a large tub of cookies'n'cream. best decision ever. and then we ate it on a friend's front lawn, talking and laughing. i wish more than anything to always remember those nights. because even when things aren't perfect...they're still so beautiful.

and then i watched the beginning of the meteor shower. and there were so many of them, and yes i missed some and he missed some but we caught some together. and i don't know what it is...but it's one of those things that makes life so wonderful.

and maybe i need a squirt gun...

but i have never been happier.

all i want to do is lead a beautiful life.

and that is the truth.

but to everyone that beautiful life? is different.

mine? would include traveling the world.

being enclosed in the warmth of his arms.

the capability to create beautiful things.

making music with the ones i love

and lots of apricot nectar.

new journal

i'm about three or five pages away from finishing my journal. so today i went to wal-mart and bought another one. i had a really hard time deciding whether to get one or not because the only plain one there was black. i don't really care for blacks or grays or whites.

but i got it. i consoled my purchase with the thought that it had black stripes as a pattern on the inside of the cover. i really do love stripes.

and so now? i have a new journal and two college ruled notebooks to write my missionary letters in. because yes, i plan on doing that too. regularly. well, regularly for at least one missionary.

and because i guess i have so many opinions and hard questions that people really never like to face...it's good for me to have a journal. i have noticed that i will sometimes take my hard words out on others {those they apply to} if i don't write them down somewhere else. in other words - i really need to keep a journal.

most people don't like my honesty.

so here's to a new journal. a black one, with stripes. may i have many adventures to fill it with and keep my many criticisms to myself. may the good friends i have made and will make find themselves honestly represented in it's pages and may i make many enemies for standing what is truth and right.

let the fun begin.

opinionated.

some people have really good opinions, incredible minds.

but at the slightest criticism, they just give up.

i wish they wouldn't.

to me that shows weakness that is of the worst kind.

yes, sometimes people criticize without content

or with the aim to hurt

but oftentimes, just like most jokes contain truth,

criticism does too.

and it's there to help you see things clearer.

and if you learn to take it all in with a grain of salt

or a spoonful of sugar,

you may become something unique.

incredible even.

i wish people didn't take offense when i told them what i see.

never have i ever done it to tear anyone down

and i guess that is something i need to change in myself.

and i'm sorry if i ever hurt you, or someone you know.

it was unintentional. and meant for the best.

next time though when you ask for someone else's opinion,

be prepared to not simply hear yours reflected back to you.


because not everyone is a liar.

my fair lady

"you see...apart from the things one can pick up, the difference between is a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves but how she is treated. i shall always be a flower girl to professor higgins because he always treats me as a flower girl and always will. but i know i shall always be a lady to colonel pickering because he always treats me as a lady and always will."

-eliza doolittle

life's rough. and then you die.

this is kind of how i feel right now.

working almost full time is really difficult.

i like being in school better and am very sad not to be going back in the fall.

this young lady will be missing the smell of dinky textbooks

i feel like sometimes the physical stress of work makes everything so much harder to cope with

family, friends, boys, my own faults...any problem is magnified out of my control.

and i like being in control of my life.

probably not much of a good thing.

and i should work on that thing called "trusting fully in the Lord's will"

because He's ultimately the only one who has always and will always be there for me.

no matter how much i love and trust all those around me, sometimes they let you down.

but He won't.

and i feel peace in that.

i feel peace in the fact that He will be with me these next few years, whatever happens.

you never know what will come your way...or what will be taken away.

and i am fully prepared to handle all of it. as long as He is with me.

and that's not really a question. He's always been there for me.

so yes, life is hard...but death isn't so bad now is it?

personally, i wouldn't mind it. i even occasionally think of good ways to pop off.

yes, i'm weird. we have already established that.

i'm in love with old films.

i've found myself singing songs from old movies, re-watching scenes via youtube, all that fun stuff and i realized...i really love these kinds of movies. you don't have to worry if there's going to be an innapropriate scene, the acting is just as superb and even though there are no special effects...they used masterful techniques to create realistic scenarios. i've commented before that movies these days have way too many special effects and that the plot lines suffer from it horribly.

as children these movies were the ones that brought those beautiful fantasies into our imaginations. why have we stopped watching them and replaced them with so much listless, action-packed, inappropriate for youth, junk?

let's face it...there is no such thing as the Avengers or Harry Potter or any of those other high quality film characters in real life. but how many times has a love been challenged by disabilities, distance and time?

An Affair to Remember



young girls always dream of those dances, finding that one man who will love and cherish her. it's the classic Cinderella story...with a twist. we all want a twist in our story, at least i know that i've wanted it.

Slipper and the Rose



and a classic, historical romance. there is nothing better than a love created by passion and resolved by love in the face of war and betrayal, blood and pain. have you never wanted to find that the one who rescued you was also the one who you have loved all along?

The Scarlet Pimpernel



these kinds of movies show that mankind has something deeper within themselves, that people can trust one another, love one another, that there are people out there who aren't hopeless. how could a world be hopeless with these kinds of movies available?

i know that i love them, and probably always will...and will have them in my collection of family movies once i am married.

hope you enjoy.

{smile}

bad days and good days.

we're human, and we all have them. sometimes a day leaves us exhilarated. and sometimes we just want to go to bed and wake up on the weekend. every now and then you'll have the opposite kind of day that your friend is having and you'll feel selfish for feeling pretty good when they are feeling lousy. one thing i have learned though? the best kinds of friends uplift one another.

i had a really bad day the other day. i felt really useless and ugly and as if nothing could go right. but for some reason, even though he hadn't had such a great day either...he was able to make me smile. in fact we laughed at something pretty hard. i hope to return the favor. i love beautiful people like him. oh and in case you didn't already know, i love him.

someday when i'm married and my husband comes home after a rough day at work...i want to kiss it all better.

i think kisses make everything bright and happy again. especially the ones you have to stop, because your smile is getting in the way.

life can be so beautiful. but it's all about how you look at it. if you are constantly held back by the mud and the dirt flung your way, you're going to get dirty. you're going to get hurt and your going to fall down a lot. but for some reason...when you look at the world with a bright, new, clean perspective...everything seems to be okay. everything can go wrong, and you can still smile.

it's one of the miracles of life.

like anne of green gables: "tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it."