i saw this play yesterday at the Hale. it was beautiful and wonderful. this is my favorite song. it gives me the chills...for some strange reason. the way they did this part was with these moving doorways and all three are wandering "the halls" but never see or meet each other. it was hauntingly beautiful.
the high soprano, the child's voice and the strong male...it's perfectly balanced and well done. just...beautiful. Thank you Papa Miller for inviting us to come with you and for the tickets. we all loved it so much. i wish i could watch it over and over again. i think i just might become as obsessed with the music as i did with Jekyll & Hyde.
i love musicals. they...they are very rejuvenating. ha, i know, strange word but really. i think it was just what i needed this week.
that line is from the movie The Help. i liked it, however i probably won't watch it again because the film had some language issues. other than that though...i really liked it.
it was interesting, i had been talking to my mom previous to watching it about how some people tease me in my friendship with seth. she explained to me that i shouldn't let it bother me, that people don't know any better really and that no matter what i shouldn't change my friendship because of what outside influences think. it should be my decision and my decision only if anything ever changes. and at the rate that we are going...we'll probably be best friends for a very, very long time. in other words...when people tease now, i don't really care.
anyway there was this part in the film where the main girl's mammy, the african-american woman who basically raised her was giving her some advice on how to handle the boys at school teasing her. the woman talking to her is named constantine and the young girl's name is eugenia {or skeeter}.
every day you're not dead in the ground, when you wake up in the morning, you're gonna have to make some decisions. got to ask yourself this question: "am i gonna believe all them bad things them fools say about me today?" you hear me today? "am i gonna believe all them bad things them fools say about me today? you hear me today?" all right? as for your mama, she didn't pick her life. it picked her. But you, you're gonna do something big with yours. you wait and see.
like i said..i like that part.
i reminds me of when an old friend of mine told me that i was completely in control of everything that i felt, all my emotions, all my hurts and loves. everything. we also choose how we react to the people around us. day by day we make decisions, and it is those decisions that form the very life we life, what we do and through that...essentially becomes who we are.
another character in the story named aibileen, who is also an african-american maid has this mantra for the child that she looks after. i quoted it for my title. every day, and every time something bad happens, she makes sure that little Mae Mobley knows that she is kind, smart and important; some of the most important lessons a mother could teach a daughter, and sadly that these southern women have a hard time teaching or even understanding themselves.
and that is one of life's most important lessons...only for me i would say it in another sentence: "you are a child of God. a princess and a diamond." to know your worth and to know who you are and what you are, is one of the truest blessings to have in life. with it you can do so much
and the man i want to have by my side, through it all...
someday...
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful."
my school did this play when i would have been a sophomore. it's neat because two of my really close friends played snoopy {seth and craig} {it was a double cast}. i was sitting inside the doghouse yesterday, that little place is so neat. i love it. everyone left little notes or their names inside of it, and a couple made mention to this song.
it got me thinking, sometimes life is so hard to just remember to be happy about.
some things that make me happy?
snuggling up close to my mom for warmth early in the morning or late at night
fooling around backstage with my friends
subway sandwiches
looking at beautiful black and white photos
talking to my friend seth
or having a water fight at a drinking fountain
a warm bed and clean room
real photobooth pictures
a blue coat with bright red gloves
christmas sweet breads
pumpkin pie!
holding a baby...
the hug of a close friend
dressing up in costumes for plays
oldies music {most music really...}
beautiful fall colors here in my new hometown
back and shoulder rubs from caring friends
being on stage
singing a beautiful song and being on key
surprising the alto section on how low i can go {low d flat...maybe lower}
my CTR ring
writing in my journal, and reading past entries
stick/post it notes
inspirational quotes, especially from friends
playing and improvising on the piano
2:15
watching science fiction shows with kelsey
long phone calls with kaytlyn, laughing and crying
singing random songs while walking the dog
making apple bread...smelling it...
brown spotted bananas
so many things mean happiness...
happiness, it's loving life. it's the little things in life. it's believing in The Lovely.
1. randomly smile as big as you possibly can at some random stranger
2. make awkward sounds at a quiet moment and watch the awkward glances you get
3. go to a craft store with a friend and smell every single candle, maybe even going as far as having the candles compete, see which one wins Candle Idol.
4. make cookies...with all the replacement ingredients {i.e. honey instead of sugar}
5. google image "chubby asian babies."
6. go tothis website, then personalize it {you'll understand once you do it} and send it to all your friends.
7. go for a run, take a friend.
8. start a back-rubbing/scratching train. don't be cheap.
9. sing a hymn a capella with people who know the other parts {find a place with cool acoustics, that always adds a little more spice}
10. make a laughing circle. {if you don't know what that is...it's where four or more [if you can make them fit] people lie their heads on each others stomachs and one person starts with one fake laugh "ha." then the next person goes "ha. ha." adding a laugh each person who goes} soon everyone will be laughing without help...and without stop.
11. email and old friend who may be in need of encouragement
12. go for a hike and watch the sunset {bring a friend or if you are alone, count your blessings}
13. drink hot chocolate, if you can add french vanilla flavoring
14. sidewalk chalk a masterpiece of beautiful drawings and loving notes on a random friend's driveway.
i hope you are smiling. share the love. an interesting thing my bishop told me today was that when Christ asked his apostles if they loved HIM then "feed my sheep". He didn't say if they loved the sheep then they should feed them.If ye love me, feed my sheep.
I think this is my new...theme, motto...whatever you want to call those. It just seems to gather in all that I've wanted in my new life. Always be happy, remembering Christ above any romantic ideas that come to me. Focus on Him, the one who is the only one we can truly focus upon.
sometimes I get distracted...
but I am so lucky to have Him in my life. On countless times when I thought that the only person I wanted was the one fella who I liked and who couldn't be there for me...He was always there. He's always been right beside me, sometimes He has even held my hand. And when Sunday school teachers ask me to share any experiences that I've had where I've known that Christ was with me...I say in my head "are you serious? I felt Christ by my side and you want me to tell you about it?" maybe I'm selfish...but those moments with my Savior, are precious. and very...very sacred to me.
more precious than the ring upon my finger, even though it says CTR on it. I think that that ring too is so eminent of my new love for the phrase "It is better to look up." because CTR hasn't meant "choose the right" for a long time now for me. It means "Choose to Remember" and also "Christ the Redeemer" and when you put them together...?
Choose to Remember, Christ the Redeemer.
I thought it was rather beautiful too.
But maybe...that's just me.
It's another Lovely thing in my life right now. Because when I choose to remember Him, I know I will always choose His path, rather than the wrong or left one. How could I not? I've had dreams of His path, and in that dream...I was led to a garden where I could find my family, where I could find love. It too was Lovely.
I've been thinking a lot again about my future family. How will we handle big events? Will I ever be a good cook? Will my children be well-behaved or will they be horrible little wretches that I choose to love anyway? And my husband...? I know of only one word to describe him that's been given to me, but what else is there? Was my dream about him true as well? What if I meet someone who is fitting to that dream almost to the most possible amount that they can be...what if I get carried away in that and still marry the wrong man? What about May 6th? or January 27th? All those people...I've prayed for him since I was a child and learned that I could, although sometimes on and off. When will he rescue me? Or am I to rescue myself and then we shall find peace in each other?
and what is the quest...?
Sometimes I think too much. Sometimes I ponder...
But most of all, I simply think about how every single one of these things depends on me and how my life right now, no matter how much better and more in sync with the Lord's plan it is, I am still failing. Going the way that I am, there is no way I can have this beautiful and Lovely life that I desire. I need to do better, I need to be firmer in my beliefs, I need to delve deeper into the scriptures...and what's nice about this...is that I really do want to.
Now I just have to Do it.
And all the while that I am doing it, I will always Look Up. because that is better.
last night I dreamt a strange dream. in my dream i was going to give a talk about the inner beauty of God's daughters. when i woke up i could remember most of the material i had been able to gather and could actually quote what one person said to me in my dream.
at that part of my dream i was in a long beautiful dress but was walking through the dust and dirt on my knees. i was destroying my beautiful dress. one boy turned to me and taking me by the hand told me "You are too beautiful not to stand and walk tall."
recently i had a sweet experience. a boy in my seminary class and concert choir class has been telling me i'm beautiful. the first time he told me i told you about it here. it really shocked me. however on the bus ride back home from concert choir {during which he told me most opportunities that he had that i was beautiful}, he explained it more fully to me. he told me that yes i'm physically beautiful...but it was more than that. a beauty of personality. a beautiful person. i have heard stories like this before, where someone is told something like that...it made me feel so good that someone was saying it about me, that it simply made me want to try even better to be the person that he might think i am; because yes, i too have made mistakes, major ones.
when i woke up from my dream this morning i wrote it all down. then i went searching for a talk about this, because i felt like i needed to tell my young women {i'm now laurel's president if that's not a shock enough for someone out there...i don't know what else would be, haha} and i'm hoping that sis. clark, the YW's president will let me maybe give it as a thought for our Young Women's in Excellence coming up soon. i'm pretty sure she will let me though, because she wants me in charge of planning some of it.
anyhow THIS is the talk that i clicked on and spent time reading before i would be too late to get ready for church. it said almost everything i think was in my dream. it was kind of weird but really cool. some of my favorite quotes and a generalization of my notes:
"It isn't just about cosmetics or clothing. What makes a young woman truly attractive comes from her heart." - Elder Lynn G. Robbins
"Happiness is the most attractive accessory a young woman can have."
-the smile is the most charming cosmetic
"Makeup...can enhance appearance. But no amount of eye shadow, lipstick, or mascara could possibly compete with the natural attractiveness of a genuine smile."
-choose happiness to create that smile
"A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
- Eliza Dolittle, the beauty was always there - she just needed someone else's help in discovering it.
-"a beautiful radiance in virtue." chastity
- bad women also smile, to beguile men (like potaphar's wife and delilah)
"Tell me what you smile and laugh at, and I'll tell you who you are."
Truman G. Madsen: "This Light of the spirit cannot be faked. All of the theater lights and stages and camera trickery and Photoshop manipulation may convince the unaware that artificial light has the same effect. It does not. Artificial light ends with the flipping of a switch. It is merely a backhanded tribute to Light. Christ is the Life and the Light -- the Light that lightens hearts through thick and think."
-modest=outward sign and a requirement. without modesty, divine cheerfulness and RADIANCE disappears...vanishes
- in beauty pageants only one is declared the "fairest of them all" but with God - there is no competition
end of notes. (:
So in other words...I was very spiritually uplifted today. sometimes it really has nothing to do with what you wear and how you look on the outside. Sometimes that happens to me...a lot in one day, like today. I already have four other posts lined up for this week - all from spiritual ideas i had today. be prepared.
in the mornings its so cold i have to put on red slippers that my mom made me. the crocheted stitches press against my feet uncomfortably against the linoleum floor but i like it.
i write my snail mail letters to my brother on yellow paper with a blue pen - just so he knows it's always me.
at night just before i go to bed, i find it comforting to listen to a cd i've had for as long as i can remember - david tolk's mendham - but on my portable cd player {which really is ancient, it was my brother cameron's before he went on his mission} when you have the earphones in your ears, and the player is on but not playing...it sounds like the ocean. it's soothing.
the smell of tanning sun-lotion makes me thirsty. or maybe it's the sitting out in the sun...
i always sleep with the blinds open because i like to feel like the stars are really God and His angels peeking on and watching over His children and their silly adventures.
taking walks at sunset with your closest friends is the most refreshing activity to be doing at that time of day. bring a camera.
goodbye hugs are altogether more meaningful when it is literally the last thing they do as they step out the door. always wait till the last second.
sometimes i steal away my favorite movies from the family cabinet and hide them under my desk so that everyone gradually forgets whose they are...and they do end up mine. currently housing Fireproof, Tangled and Pride & Prejudice {2005-ps that one really is mine}
writing longhand letters is a very romantic past-time, especially while watching the city lights come on at dusk. it's also a nice time to walk the dog {while listening to david tolk of course or even greg laswell}
music was meant to be played loud - especially the bass. something about feeling the bass in your music moves your soul. make sure the music you listen to, you could listen to around your mother.
being random is like juice: you don't need it as much as water but everyone has it different ways, different flavors and sometimes not at all. some people like millk.
water has the essence of romance in it's body...while in a kayak, pass your fingers gently through it's curves and gentle waves. maybe it'll surprise you how calming it is.
the morning sunlight is the best. wake up early just to fall asleep again on the front room couch or wherever the sun finds its way to, so that you can wake up to the sunlight on your face.
these are only some of the lovely things i believe in.
I think I was seven (?) when my brother Aaron got his license (yah...that sounds about right) ANYway - my mom would never let him drive me places, not that I really went anywhere, but she wouldn't because of his taste in music. Let me give you an example of what he listened to:
Yah...I wish I were still that sheltered.
I was just listening to my playlist on GrooveShark and it surprised me when an older song showed up on my shuffle. I was talking to Madison about how sheltered I was, and I told him I'd rather be sheltered than not. People always tell me I'm so sheltered - and can I just say, I wish I were more sheltered. When people say I really don't want to know what a word means, I really should just listen to them and recently I have been. I don't look things up anymore - I'd rather not read that junk...
But wait! haha sorry - I don't want to offend anyone, because a LOT of my friends know a LOT of this stuff that I don't know and you know what's crazy? Yah, they're not innocent but they aren't BAD people like I used to believe.
But maybe I've just been desensitized? But then, am I a bad person? I don't think so - so it makes me wonder, is there REALLY a place where you are Too sheltered? I remember one of my first arguments with my friend Gabby was about the school I went to - her argument was that I wouldn't be ready for the "real" world. (Ha I can't believe I remember that conversation - do you remember Gabby?? haha) and then I remember when my brother left our small world of private school AHS, and he started to change, at first for the worst but then as he became much older, and graduated - something changed again and he really was ready for the "real" world; whereas you take me and I'm terrified to go out there and live life on my own.
Just this morning my mom was talking about how in our new house I'll finally have my own room (yay!) and then she finished her sentence with how hard it will be to get rid of me now. It made me realize that in all truths...in about a year - I will probably be moving out, going to college, and starting my "real" life. And I'm scared.
So is it bad to be sheltered? I think so...But then I'd never give up the sunny childhood days - believing that I could really soak up the creek into my tiny feet, or believing that stepping on the mushrooms was evil magic, or drinking out of the hose, or making dirt cities in our unfinished yard of dirt :) (remember Lilly?? mine was the coolest - you know it!), or making green cake with Gabby and Alyssa, watching the grass move like a wave through Gabby's attic window, or cleaning under my bed and my closet each year because I could NEVER keep it uncluttered for the life of me...
But when did I stop being sheltered? Hmm...give me a second to think it through - hahaha... - I think it was 8th grade. My mom got fired that year from her job of teaching 4th graders. We put our house up for sale and unable to sell it, refinanced. My world was turned upside down as my relationship with my dad deteriorated, I started listening to what I considered "hard" music at the time (most of it was just country with harder beats - like "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts), I changed my wardrobe...then in ninth grade I met Nicole. :)
Oh Nicole...where would I be if I'd never met you?
Before I met Nicole - you gotta understand the life I lived. I read only fantasy books - I never did my homework, though I was a book worm, I had no social life, I didn't wear makeup (hated it in fact and convinced Nicole to STOP wearing it), and spent my days watching and re-watching childhood movies. Maybe occasionally I talked online through email with friends - I was very cyber oriented as well. Nicole, LITERALLY changed all that. She forced me out of my comfort zone, making me talk to the guy who had embarrassed me after telling him that I liked him - he and I became friends again - ANYway - Nicole helped me to learn that shouting in the hallway and getting stares wasn't bad. It was just letting your voice be heard.
Tenth grade came around and Nicole and I pulled apart. I wish we never had. I became better friends with a childhood friend - Brittani Bills - and we took Spanish together with Mr. Carman - ugh - long dramatic story, we let it effect our lives to a degree that I find embarrassing now. My parents got divorced. That was...weird, though I have to admit I'd been asking my parents to do it since at least 7th grade (at least in my head). I remember one morning getting ready for school and just wishing I had no ears. Then after my dad moved out, we sold our house and lived in a basement apartment in PG for about three months...I hated those months. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. My parents started talking again and decided to do it again - they fixed their issues and decided to get married again. My mom had already signed the papers though for our little town-home in AF so we just decided to have him come along...weird but yah. They were married in our front living room for the second time. Traumatic year. Still sheltered? Heck no.
Then THIS year. WHOOSH! (Ha, have you ever noticed that you count years by school years, not actual years? confusing but that's how it rolls - for me at least). Friends from all over the world (= lots of culture shock for me and them, and more unsheltering), friends who I never thought I would even be able to stand (and now not only am I standing them, but I love their guts), and literally three different groups of people who I consider friends...thus confusion on my part again on where I belong :P
So Sheltered Kaylla White - where will you be in a year?
A year ago I wrote myself a letter, I get to open it this Wednesday...and I'm SO excited - you have no idea. It's like a time capsule!!! :)
A year from now - so much could happen...but what will it be this time? Will I be happier or will I be torn apart again and have to stitch the pieces back together again? (dramatic I know - but hey, I'm a writer, I have a license to sappiness, dramatics, and violence)
So here's to another year gome and one to come in a life of no-longer-being sheltered, and trying to keep some semblance of innocence in this world splattered in mud. I know I can make it through this mess, because I know who I am - and seriously, if you know that? Who can change your mind? No One.
C'est La Vie.
Kaylla
PS - sorry for such a long post...I had a lot to say :P and still didn't say it all...
So my teacher showed this video to us in class and I would just embed it but I can't seem to find an embedable version so I'll just have to post this link here. I loved it. It's about the oldest Holocaust survivor. She's inspirational and her laugh is infectious. Enjoy!
So this last Friday my parents and Lilly and I drove up the mountains and looked at the stars. It was so beautiful. I remember wanting to write about this last night - dunno really why, just that I did. :)
Have you ever noticed that you really can't see the stars in the city? I mean - you can see some of them but compared to when you're in the wilderness it's pathetic the difference between the two. Friday we couldn't even find the big dipper! We had a cluster that looked similar but it was too short :D It puts some perspective on how memorized people of old had the skies, to be able to see without all our junky lights. It makes me see how amazingly unimportant we are in this grand life . . . but yet then I KNOW with every fiber of my being that we are children of God and . . . we mean ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING to Him. How strange.
How beautiful!
Isn't life just full of . . . everything that makes you want to laugh and cry in simple joy? How can people be so sad when this world all around them screams and shouts of His glory!? I just can't help being so happy with my life. I know there are days (and I especially have those too - I'm NO exception for bad days) but to go through your whole life without the lite and life of Christ lighting your way? How can you not have joy?
I once heard that those who feel the most love and joy are the same people who feel and suffer the most hurt and pain. Even if that's true, which I'm sure in a sense it is, why would that be a reason to stop loving life? It just doesn't make sense. Joy is worth the pain - because our joy will be multiplied tenfold by our faithfulness to the Lord right?
So that's my message of joy I guess. I love life, I hope you take time occasionally to look at the stars and wonder, I hope life brings you more joy than you can hold, and only enough pain to understand what that love and joy means.
Okay so laugh now and then forever hold your peace, but I LOVE some of the songs on the Barbie movies. I really like the ones on Island Princess and Princess and the Pauper, but this one I was listening to recently and thought I'd post it, listen to the words and if Barbie annoys you - don't look at the pictures. Sorry for the blip right before the song start but the song is still really beautiful, titled Written in your Heart.
