tender mercies

a long time ago - can't remember who the teacher was, what year in seminary or anything like that - but i remember the lesson. {it was probably bro casper though. just saying.}

you know those little things in life that simply make your heart want to sing? and never stop? the ones that make you look up and with the man upstairs in mind, you want to just smile forever and never take your eyes off of his beautiful face. those are tender mercies.

at least that's what the teacher called them. today i've had quite a few...in fact recently all in all my life has just been a whole long string of them.

the week before last sunday was a good week in fact i'd say a dang good week. sunday for some reason i was totally depressed and tired, {still recovering from the cold-turkey event of moving i guess} but after taking a nap i was pretty ok. i don't know really remember what happened but after that i was able to at least talk to anyone without being snappy and rude. oh and it was lilly's birthday and my mom had to work, and madison had completely failed the week before to invite me to his brother's farewell...which brittani, miranda and chloe got to go to...like i said: cold turkey. more like humble pie.

anyhow...this week has be rough. i'm not sure if i'm just having a hormone overdose {shouldn't be that - "herman" left almost two weeks ago} or if i've just had way too much time to think, but really - two nights ago i was legitimately sobbing...{after which i decided i can't handle talking to my ex-best friend anymore...hurts too much...too many disappointments} but i think that small hour of letting myself finally cry it all out, all that hurt and frustration {i let myself be a drama queen for an hour yes- you know who you are if you are mad at me for this...i don't even give a...} anyway - that helped me maybe finally close the door. i can say one thing - i have absolutely no expectations of my old friends anymore, what happens - cool, but if my old hopes never come true then i'll just have to roll with it. i'm a happy person and like myself that way and when life makes it hard for me to continue on that way - i gotta change it.

anyhow...so before crying, i listened to mindy gledhill's song "i will rest in you"

which only of course made me cry even harder out on my front porch {i feel so much...better outside. closer to Him maybe}. it was hard to see my stars though, that's one thing i don't like about tears. kinda sucks.

next day...my mom took me shopping, or errand running really. ugh haha but we had a good time together. we got the preparatory papers for my school registration and were just all over the place between AF and Payson...yuck but we got it done. i was also able to stick to my "closed book" motto. no more pouring out {right now is an exception because i'm feeling very 'writey" right now.}

when i got home i put on my red slippers.

i listened to the CD that gabby gave me {i miss you gabby...hope portugal is amazing!} and listened to all my favorite tracks before listening to the new mindy gledhill cd that my mumzy got for us to "share" {i'm the only one who wanted it and the only one who listens to it...haha}

made plans with my mum to go to summer seminary {just you wait...}

the next day...? uh...memory loss, can't remember...oh! i registered for school!! i met this girl named brigdit {sm!le} who had awesome hair and a super awesome personality that i could see. i hope i have some classes with her...{crossing fingers really hard} oh and she had REALLY pretty eyes - like she could rival lacey monson {yah i know right?}

more errand running, not sure what we got. oh yah - ugly pillows that my mom decided she wanted to return today haha.

ok so NOW the good part and really the reason for the name of this post ;P

today i went to summer seminary. scared - i'm kind of a weirdo, psyching myself out like that - but then getting out of the car suddenly i was kind of filled with this feeling of "psh, whatevs - i'm kaylla. these people don't even know what's hit them yet."

wow. amazing lesson to boot. i would write up my notes but honestly...what i learned is that what i'm going through? a trial, yes. my fault? some of it...but not all of it. some of it just was Life...and needed to happen. i mean...madison and i would have broken up eventually {ha, i knew i should have been the one to do it though...hm..oh well. he beat me to it.} {wait! correction - it was mutual, nobody broke up with the other, we did it mutually. sorry. haha - sometimes i forget}

anyway - in the teacher's lesson {he looked like the guy from music man the musical with chenoweth} he used this song:

i talked to the teacher a little bit, after the lesson, and i told him how i was new, my senior year - i'm kind of ...anxious... {i'm not scared though...not really} and he was just super nice. it's always good to know that people really do understand what you are going through {he moved his soph year and his brother's sr year} and it kind of just made me feel...more like "everything is going to be ok kaylla...in fact - maybe even better than before." i sure hope so.

my mom was late to pick me up so i got a drink of water, met a girl named Emily {she said she'll see me next week - and i will be there - already love summer seminary} and dawdled in the bathroom so as not to be awkwardly standing around waiting. came out and talked to more teachers - then listened to music outside while i waited some more.

more errands laters....

took lilly's pictures

painted my nails for the first time in like years... they look really pretty if i say so m'self

had a memory relapse of one of the stake dances with madison and surprised myself by how much it didn't feel like...real...huh. it's funny how memories can feel like that sometimes. i know it happened - and i miss how i felt back then - so happy and infatuated...but i think maybe i'm coming to my sense {haven't stopped missing anyone in particular or stopped loving them, i just maybe don't want to repeat that as much as i thought i did}

anyhow...

then i was bored and was reading meg abel's blog {my favorite blog by the way of all time...read it HERE} and lo and behold - she had the same song on her blog {i went way back on her posts...} as we had listened to in seminary today! so i listened again...and i have to say...it makes me feel very good inside...in fact...if i weren't so dry - i'd cry.

haha so there's my spill. hope it didn't bore you - if it did then shove it, i don't care. i blog. this is what blogging is to me; sometimes my feelings change and whatevvs but i'll probably update you. like if i end up hating anyone? i will let you know (:

lots of love your way

-kaylla

ps - the music were my tender mercies

pss - if you're mentioned in this post and you dont like the way you are portrayed please just chalk it under kaylla's creative license and don't bother me about it - just keep it to yourself, leave the pie in the pie hole...i'm pretty sure i don't want another one of those kinds of talks but i'm just so...over with that life that...it's really just no use making a big deal of it. sorry. i love you. but i've moved on.

and since you've forgotten about me? i will take it that you have moved on too (: {even steven yah? cool.}