grateful.

today, my efforts at being a better friend this time around came full circle. on one of my worst days, i had friends...multiple friends who came to my aid, who gave me hugs, told me they loved me and even gave me back massages during a long rehearsal. Especial thanks to the boy who talked to me out in the hall between scenes and who gave the afore-mentioned back massage. a large...large thank you as well to the boy who can always get a smile on my face. he is truly and angel in my life. thank you to the two girls who gave me hugs and told me they loved me, and thank you to my newest friend who is so honest and wonderful and sweet and kind. and thank you to my other guy friend for teaching me to stand up for myself when certain questionable guys get up in my face and a little to close for personal comfort. I don't think I know what i would do without all of these amazing people in my life.

lame.

i just spent 13 and a half hours at school. early morning seminary, school, after school fiddler practice until six and then innovators concert dress rehearsal from seven till eight-thirty. i'm dead. guess what, i have like three things due tomorrow and 100 pages to read in a book i hate. and on top of all that, stress makes me emotional and crabby. then again on top of that i have to think about the halloween dance now...someone couldn't take their date and my friends were trying to convince me to take him (girl's choice dance) and although my conscience screams to just do it, i'm exhausted, extremely shy...and poor.

can anyone say stressed much? and since i have a vendetta against facebook life details i am pouring this out to you. whoever you are. pity me. for 1 minute. starting now.

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okay. done. now i have to actually finish the homework. love you all. wish me luck. i very well might have a nervous breakdown tonight. pray for me. all this stress is making me very emotional and making me feel very inadequate and...well...my...weaknesses very strongly.

luckily {and actually this probably has nothing to do with luck, looking up} i have the very best group of friends i possibly could have right now. period. love you all. without you...i don't know where i would be right now.

Good night

{post script} - probably won't be writing for a while {end of term and all...} but i've got some really nice posts on schedule...i hope you like them.

{post post script} if ever you see me, don't hesitate to give me a hug. all hugs are appreciated.

Today, Things are Looking Up.

First: my friend came to early morning seminary. he even ate his eggs raw so he would be there on time. he's one of the most amazing people I've ever met.

Second: the history/political science test I was stressed about was a piece of cake. Thank you Mr. Haymond for drilling those theories and ideas into me so I don't even have to study for this class.

Third: I have friends in Paige and Jess. We altos? yah, we rock. Oh and Joe's hugs are wonderful pick-me-ups.

Fourth: Lunch time was just fun, with my friend's younger brother eating with us it was cool to just see those two bouncing off each other. I like seeing siblings who are friends in and outside of school. Also Libby's attempts to warm up Seth's peach...ha. Oh the lovely things of life (:

Fifth: my apple was so big, it could even have been used to show the size of my brain, that's how big it was. not even joking - please believe me. it was maximus (:

Sixth: in Andrews' class I got the assignment done with plenty of time to spare. that's always nice not having homework.

Seventh: Mr. Bills will find a surprise for him when he gets back to his choir room. I'm excited to hear about that one... (:

Eighth: watching fiddler was extremely enjoyable being surrounded by friends who appreciate all the same things that I do. It's surprising to notice what a difference that makes, that instead of friends teasing your likes and etc., they are agreeing with you. It's a good feeling.

Ninth: I'm going on a date tonight.

Life is always better when you look upward instead of downwards. Yesterday I changed my blog's title in case you didn't notice...{yah, blind much if you didn't notice?} It's from a talk from the last conference. I love it. Yesterday I wrote at least six different posts just about how disappointed I was about the day...but didn't post them. Today...there were downs to it, but it's always just better to focus on those things that will lift rather than drag.

Life is still good. Life is truly beautiful, even in it's hurts and sorrows.

{post script}: I now have sixteen followers! (: my goal of having 20 by the end of the school year is seeming more and more possible each time I see those numbers change (: thank you readers for...ha, reading. it means a lot to me that my thoughts, my words mean something to another person, even if it is just a passing thought.

the better sides of people ;P

i like setting a mood for my posts recently:

yesterday and today were the perfect example of what my seminary teacher said the other day. girls are like rollercoasters. wow. yesterday was exhausting but had a lot of wonderful moments...today? almost everything that could go wrong went wrong.

ultimate goal for this post is brevity; only those things upon which it is necessary to expound upon will i do so because...well lets just say the things i wish i could REALLY talk about are...not entertaining in the least. {i try to avoid woe-is-me posts in other words}

yesterday interesting experience. i went to my locker and on my way back and heading toward AP Lit upstairs i saw this kid throw off his backpack. at first i thought he was totally joking but these two kids started full out throwing punches. i ran almost right into them, and one nearly pushed the other right into me. i was so scared and traumatized that i ran as fast as i could to my class and nearly started to cry. i have never seen anyone actually fight in anger...never.

there was one moment, a lightning second where i was in the corner up against the wall before mrs dunn broke up the fight where i remember thinking, wanting, madison to be there and "save me" went through my head. because he would know what to do. maybe i was crying for more reason than one. or maybe i always felt safe around him, thus when i didn't feel safe...i thought of him. anyhow.

lucky for me i got three Brian hugs that day. i always thought cynthia gave the best hugs...and she does give amazing hugs, but i have never met anyone to beat brian for hugs. he loves hugs almost as much as i do. we are also now officially friends; facebook says so. haha

i wore colorful socks...dunno why, sometimes i'm just a weirdo i guess. singers/choir was tiring...i've just been really tired recently i guess.

lunch time: the time of day i look forward to every single day now. sometimes i dreaded it, because a lot of my friends have certain choir meetings during lunch which leaves me alone; but now i have made great friends with the boys who don't ever leave that place and i like it. in fact yesterday there were only boys in there, one girl but she was reading a book and i don't even know her name. it was just me, sean, seth and chris{topher} (: which...leads to the next story...

{sidenote: chris and seth say lunch prayers. i admire them for that. today i did too. it made my nearly drop-horrible day one good moment better...}

i was minding my own business. not really, if you know me, you know i'm nosier than an ant-eater. anyway we were talking, lots and lots, i love talking to guys - they're not... judgmental like girls are and never take offense, all of which came in handy later. this girl {don't remember her name} came dressed up as the Mad Hatter {homecoming theme is Alice in Wonderland - that day was character day} and she looked AMAZING! so seth or someone said that someone really should take a picture so i whipped mine out and took one.

then i remembered my goal to get pictures of my boys for the auction off {read about that...briefly...here - end of post} by the way for which i am adding craig because he cyber stalks me and i don't want to leave him out ;P so i told the three of the boys to pose for me. sean and chris like good boys face me and i'm ready to take a threesome shot, but seth says something about why not catch a picture of his better side so they all start turning around and as they're there like that without skipping a beat i said something to the effect of "well if that's your better side seth, would you like me to go lower?"

i didn't end up taking that picture, just so you know. or any picture for that matter. seth and i burst out laughing and once it kicked in, so did the other two. seth is the "french kissing" friend i told you about this time. i swear we were both so red in the face and laughing so hard we were going to be sick. sean loved how i didn't even skip a beat to say it, seth told me about how his family would love me. i liked that, and poor poor chris, he's so good and innocent almost it feels like and hilarious in his own way with his tenor voice...haha it was just classic. it's funny because i knew i was saying it, i knew i wanted to say it...but my brain didn't censor it coming out...so it came out very...well, at least they laughed.

if i mention embarrassing moments with seth or pictures or cameras we both just laugh...oh man. too funny...

then we said bye to sean and chris, sean telling me how i had put them all in a wonderful mood {which he has no idea, totally made me feel so so good inside} and then seth and i walked to my next class. i was so embarrassed and apologized for my embarrassing behavior and he said he loved my sense of humor or something like that, how his family really would love me. i spent my TA period very happily... i like people who make me feel good like those three.

then in stats i got another hug from brian. love that guy, he's so nice to me (: makes my day every time. then jason came around for a hug and brian and i shook our heads and brian gave me another hug, we fake cuddled for a little bit. it was too funny especially jason's face - you had to have seen it. haha, love it.

after class and before Fiddler practice i talked mostly to guys again. dunno what it is but i have never ever had so many guys as friends as i have this year, and felt more comfortable around them than around anyone else. sean, craig, alex and this other guy who is in my seminary class but whose name is slipping my brain right now. when that kid left to go somewhere it was funny, i couldn't hear what he said but sean told me that he said "and goodbye attractive girl!" which made me smile. people are just nice like that here at SHHS.

amaya lost her keys...that was a big ordeal, i feel bad for amaya but she's got them now so it's all good. some stupid kid stole them. good ole charlie though, he was real nice to her...it's cool to see how good of friends those two are. i love being around them (: haha and landon. landon is a HOOT. (:

fiddler practice was exhausting, so was powder puff practice...and then i had a ward party afterward. i like charlie, alex and spencer as our coaches though. they're awesome. i'm scared charlie might yell at me - he gets into the game (: but we've got it all worked out, alex says he'll make sure to keep charlie in good behavior.

anyway- ward party; lots of good food, talked to some of the laurels, found out that this kid in my musical theater class is in my ward...he just doesn't go to church which surprised me. anyhow. oh and {sidenote} whenever i told my embarrassing story yesterday about the picture, i always called the wrong people by the name of seth...ack. i just couldn't stop embarrassing myself. i was on a roll.

anyhow...that's really all that happened yesterday: next post will be about TODAY.... (: excited? i would say me too...but i've already lived it once...but some good things happened so it's worth going through again i guess. :P

kaylla

{post script: ultimate goal of brevity: fail}

some days deserve a post about everything in them. like today.

wow. i'm not really sure where to start for today. first of all actually: I'm an aunt!!! I'm so happy! Little Halle White was born today at 6:08 pm, weighing 7 lbs and 1 oz, and 19 inches long. she is beautiful (: in fact, hopefully this will work, here is a picture (: they don't have a middle name set for her yet...that's coming (:

anyhow. so today...? started horribly. in fact i was in tears a little bit for seminary and AP Lit, but Allie and Paige both gave me hugs and i apologized to my dad and everything turned out okay in the end. i saw my friend Seth in the hallway and i felt bad because i din't want him to see my red, teary-eyed face so i kind of blew him off when he said hi, but later when i saw him in the library i was able to talk to him and we chatted...it was "very nice" (haha, Tarzan) and then he walked me to my next class so we could keep chatting. i like people like that, who put people as a priority...it's nice and makes me feel good inside, especially after having that horrible morning.

then singers/choir was good, and so was lunch. haha, funny story - i was with allie and libby and we were in our lunch vestibule and that fella was coming at us and so i blocked the door. we talked briefly and he said something about having to have to enter by force. just a continuing theme i suppose after "beating him up". something about that guy just makes my heart give little hiccups of happiness.

he then "changed his mind" about going outside, (maybe i'm just a stupid silly girl...ha wait. i know i am. anyway, onwards) but i kind of like finding him looking at me. like when we were checking our Crime and Punishment books out of the library and he said hi to me...that made me smile. and then when i was going to lunch he saw me in the hall and took note of me again. i dunno...i'm fine with just friends. but sometimes, some people... (:

so he followed Allie and I into the library where she had to print something off, and i went to vote for Homecoming Royalty...or something. He followed us there too. it was fun. ack. i just love talking to people like him. he tried to vote to but neither of us knew how to do it. we gave up. i stayed in my TA and he left to go to AP Physics. it's kind of funny seeing him on a computer, he's totally not the computer type of person. (: called it, he agreed.

in my TA, it was just another happy day. i love it in there. Ben and Emily are just...great friends (:

then AP Stats...oh gosh, i'm not really good at it. i hope i did okay on my test. i felt good about it though, so crossing my fingers.

after that i had Fiddler rehearsal, talked a lot with Amaya (course, she's an amazing gal...dunno what i would have done these past few weeks without her or Allie, or Paige...or haha a lot of people. like Charlie, Sean and now Seth that i'm getting to know him too)

in my little family group for ensemble, there is THE cutest little girl. She's my "little sister". love being in this play. a LOT. oh and my new pal poked his head in while we were on stage too. he has fluffy hair after swimming. if i could wish for anything right now it would be more time to get to know people like him. people like him who make me feel like the whole of mankind (man being the key word...) is doomed.

then after practice i talked with maya, charlie, landon and craig. that was FUN. we decided (except craig) to go to amaya's house to get some musical theater homework done together. that was so much fun too. Landon says i'm a flirt. he's the one who tackled me to the floor in amaya's basement. just for the record. besides, no strings on this girl...no matter how sad and wretched that actually makes this girl...but it means i can do whatever i please. Landon is pretty cool. so much personality that i don't know what to do with him sometimes. we have a joke: that i'm in love with him. haha, not really...in fact it was kind of awkward - his ex girlfriend asked me if i really was...awkward moment of making sure she knew i was in no one in connection with him (or anyone really...much more simple that way...seeing as probably the moment i did start liking someone, the way my luck runs - a friend of mine will tell me that she likes him and i'll have to make myself back off to avoid a brittani-madison situation...which would suck. so i'm staying away completely) but i'm free to flirt. anyway.

we went to a street party, after having a short youtube party and banana cake. landon called me a flirt again. i punched him.

oh and the classic moment of the day?: i had a skirt hanger in my hand and i poked charlie with it. it went into his tummy and the words just popped out "charlie's squishy..." for some reason everyone started laughing. not to mention it was hat day today...tomorrow is twin day. i think amaya and i are going to match. unless she changes her mind (: who knows.

while we were on our way to drop landon off at his car back at the school he and i talked about if we were to really ever wrestle each other. landon's funny - he can make things super awkward but it's okay because it's him and his personality. he said i was nice. haha, which i thought was funny because i'd been punching him earlier and when i mentioned that he agreed but i also wasn't major upset if he punched me back jokingly, which is why he was upset at some other girls i guess. something like that. anyway - longer story shorter-ish, he said if we wrestled and then one day got married then it wouldn't be awkward. amaya and i just laughed. we then talked about movies - apparently if i watched Wall-e or Penelope with landon, his ex-girlfriend would be upset. {makes me wonder...what did madison say about me?...anyway, not important.} but over all i thought that was rather funny. love being around landon. he's hilarious, and if i'm a flirt...*cough... hahahaha.

and then i had a good girl talk with amaya when she dropped me off at home. i have permission to tease her (: i love it. i'm so excited...sounds horrible but i'm just like that. ;P

and then i came home and got the news that Halle was born! good day all in all...good day.

Kaylla

{post script:} the friend...the one who i haven't really...told anyone except amaya and kelsey about...name wise...i'm not like...y'know, like in love with him or anything. just...exploring. happily exploring. besides...like i said about the other girls liking people...yah, i try to avoid (heavily) conflict with other girls. this time it might be tough...but i'll do it. i already know of at least two girls who have a thing for him. i had better back off in other words. thing is...if i'm stupid enough, i'll say he's just as curious about exploring as i am. Landon would say he is a flirt too. it's not fair. (: we'll see where this plot turns, y'know?

and if you're madison reading this...text me. you are privy to any knowledge you want and you know i love ya and always will talk to ya and tell you everything...if you want. it's up to you. (;

a day in heck.

{this post may or may not be appropriate for the eyes of men. you are forewarned}

yes, girls you know you what i am talking about. it happened today. i was emotional. i was angry. i was in pain. i was nauseous. and i hated myself. my pants didn't fit. i wanted to wear sweats and have my hair in a messy bun all day long. to put things slightly in perspective for those who don't get it {the male population who risked reading this post} imagine having someone stab you in the lower stomach with a serrated knife and you have to leave it in there for seven or six days pretending that everything is okay as you bleed your life away. don't forget you aren't allowed to be cranky because other people judge cranky people. oh and you're not allowed to cry either...tears are either seen as pathetic or scare other people.

today i reaffirmed that i dislike Politics. Mr. Griffin won't stop getting upset with us. he's a grump. and he closed the blinds that i day-dream out of. in second period {concert choir today} i just felt an overwhelming sense of homesickness. homesick for kaytlyn, my yellow room. homesick for american heritage familiarity...and honestly, homesick for friends whose shoulders i can cry on...which i do not have just yet at salem hills. in fact i haven't given anyone outside my family a hug since Allie, and that was awkward. no hugs? this just isn't kaylla. no wonder i feel lost...

so lunch was miserable too, because i'm late on my registration for my concurrent enrollment class which means an extra fee...my mom is going to kill me. which is why i'm making this post fast...oh wonderful stress...

lunch was lonely, and a mess of trying not to cry again. i went into the bathroom and let it out as much as i could with all the girls in there but it wasn't enough. it was still pent inside pretty much all day. in fact...all of school pretty much stank today until after school when i was talking to Seth, Charlie and Amaya. Seth and i agree - we both want to get to know each other, but we both hardly ever have time. he should ask me out {not in like THAT way...but that's seriously like the only way we'd ever get to know each other} and i have this deep curiosity to get to know him...not sure why. and what is it with these public school boys and long-ish hair? tsh. {sidenote: i called seth a flirt and he agreed. the few conversations that we have had have all ended awkwardly...french kissing topics, winks, gestures...its rather funny really...} he's just as awkward as me. probably why i want to get to know him, two awkward people can have so much fun.

anyway. after school i talked to seth {its his birthday tomorrow! (:} and then charlie and alex told me the story of Sweeney Tod...oh my goodness...totally reminds me sort of of the movie, Fried Tomatoes. don't watch it. cannibalism.....{shiver!}

from there my day went much better. considerably. still not sure how the enrollment thing and mutual are going to work out but...all will be well. "its all good..." just keeping my fingers crossed.

...hm, there was one thing that one kid said to me that made me feel just...horrible. i need to forget about it, there's nothing i can change about it and really...it's not going to make a difference now. but it hurt briefly. i wish i could just...sew his mouth together with barbed wire but that's a little violent. i just don't like nasty people like that. {sigh}

I just felt really alone today. i'm still the stranger in these groups of people. i miss being an old person. i'm just really homesick for old faces today. really...really...homesick.

love you,...really, i do.

kaylla

{post script} the bid-off of the men is post-poned, i keep forgetting to bring out my camera and take pictures of people. i know, i'm horrible. anyway - it's postponed until i get pictures of all my boys. apologies in order.

{another post script} - Taiza has an AMAZING stinking VOICE!!! ohhhhhmyyygoosssshhhh. Mariane, be jealous, this girl would knock your socks, shoes and hair off.

{yet aNOTHER post script} Libby looked and reminded me of Miranda today. they are both too skinny for their own good. (: and it made me even more homesick...but yah...{sigh}

the way things are

today was lame.

morningside, i forgot to/didn't know it was sunday dress.

mr. griffin got mad at us...but i felt like he was mad at me.

lunch was awkward. i wish i had money.

the computers broke down so we couldn't work in photoshop for dig. photography.

musical theater was the only ok.

but then i had to leave before i got to see the list.

and i'm in ensemble...good thing i saw that one coming or this day would have been even more lame and you'd hear me complaining even more.

but on to better things. i nearly punched a guy today, made friends with one thought to be annoying, nearly killed craig on the blue ladder, made water bottle rockets, stayed far away from californian thoughts, got flipped off by lindsay, and all in all it was a balanced day for good and bad.

next week will be better. because by then my inner conflicts will have worked themselves out. they always do. besides, when the bee stings - it kills itself.

{post script} coming posts: a bid off of all the men i'm around currently. also, an adventure...even if i have to make one up just to write about it. (: bye

bittersweet

today i got put on the list for call-backs for Fiddler on the Roof. I'm happy, but then again i think just at this moment i am more sad about it. first of all, amaya didn't get called back and she is basically my favorite person to be around as of recent. i'm pretty sure she'll be in ensemble, but still. it would have been 100% cool/awesome/tubular if she and i could be like "sisters" or something {because people have actually started calling me amaya on accident, she too has brown hair the same length as mine and apparently we look similar from the back, haha, remind you of anyone?} and second reason for almost sadness is that i was going to visit american heritage after school tomorrow after school- but that's when call-backs are. now i won't get to see anyone, specifically well...those special people, y'know?

but then don't get me wrong...i'm SUPER excited to be on the call-backs list. a lot of my other friends made the list to {i freaking don't understand why amaya didn't make it. she's amazing!} gr. i don't want to get my hopes up or anything...but i would love to do the chava crying scene again. but of course, we will see.

on another note - today was a good day. even if i did fall asleep in griff's class. but amaya making faces at me from the other side of the room helped me stay more awake near the end (: i wish assigned seating would put our names together but alphabetically W is nowhere near B.

some people just really make me laugh, like jason, seth, charlie, sean...yah - these are the guys i am surrounded with now, i love this group of people. i feel so easy and good around them. and mr. bills' talk at the beginning of the year about Singers and Spotlight singers being a "safe" place - is totally true. i feel safer and safer.

kaylla

{post script - i'm usually not so hyper as i am recently. i think it's just nerves with the auditions and...other things, yah. so if you have seen me recently and think "wow that girl is crazy", yes that is true - but i'm normally less crazy.}