yes, girls you know you what i am talking about. it happened today. i was emotional. i was angry. i was in pain. i was nauseous. and i hated myself. my pants didn't fit. i wanted to wear sweats and have my hair in a messy bun all day long. to put things slightly in perspective for those who don't get it {the male population who risked reading this post} imagine having someone stab you in the lower stomach with a serrated knife and you have to leave it in there for seven or six days pretending that everything is okay as you bleed your life away. don't forget you aren't allowed to be cranky because other people judge cranky people. oh and you're not allowed to cry either...tears are either seen as pathetic or scare other people.
today i reaffirmed that i dislike Politics. Mr. Griffin won't stop getting upset with us. he's a grump. and he closed the blinds that i day-dream out of. in second period {concert choir today} i just felt an overwhelming sense of homesickness. homesick for kaytlyn, my yellow room. homesick for american heritage familiarity...and honestly, homesick for friends whose shoulders i can cry on...which i do not have just yet at salem hills. in fact i haven't given anyone outside my family a hug since Allie, and that was awkward. no hugs? this just isn't kaylla. no wonder i feel lost...
so lunch was miserable too, because i'm late on my registration for my concurrent enrollment class which means an extra fee...my mom is going to kill me. which is why i'm making this post fast...oh wonderful stress...
lunch was lonely, and a mess of trying not to cry again. i went into the bathroom and let it out as much as i could with all the girls in there but it wasn't enough. it was still pent inside pretty much all day. in fact...all of school pretty much stank today until after school when i was talking to Seth, Charlie and Amaya. Seth and i agree - we both want to get to know each other, but we both hardly ever have time. he should ask me out {not in like THAT way...but that's seriously like the only way we'd ever get to know each other} and i have this deep curiosity to get to know him...not sure why. and what is it with these public school boys and long-ish hair? tsh. {sidenote: i called seth a flirt and he agreed. the few conversations that we have had have all ended awkwardly...french kissing topics, winks, gestures...its rather funny really...} he's just as awkward as me. probably why i want to get to know him, two awkward people can have so much fun.
anyway. after school i talked to seth {its his birthday tomorrow! (:} and then charlie and alex told me the story of Sweeney Tod...oh my goodness...totally reminds me sort of of the movie, Fried Tomatoes. don't watch it. cannibalism.....{shiver!}
from there my day went much better. considerably. still not sure how the enrollment thing and mutual are going to work out but...all will be well. "its all good..." just keeping my fingers crossed.
...hm, there was one thing that one kid said to me that made me feel just...horrible. i need to forget about it, there's nothing i can change about it and really...it's not going to make a difference now. but it hurt briefly. i wish i could just...sew his mouth together with barbed wire but that's a little violent. i just don't like nasty people like that. {sigh}
I just felt really alone today. i'm still the stranger in these groups of people. i miss being an old person. i'm just really homesick for old faces today. really...really...homesick.
love you,...really, i do.
kaylla
{post script} the bid-off of the men is post-poned, i keep forgetting to bring out my camera and take pictures of people. i know, i'm horrible. anyway - it's postponed until i get pictures of all my boys. apologies in order.
{another post script} - Taiza has an AMAZING stinking VOICE!!! ohhhhhmyyygoosssshhhh. Mariane, be jealous, this girl would knock your socks, shoes and hair off.
{yet aNOTHER post script} Libby looked and reminded me of Miranda today. they are both too skinny for their own good. (: and it made me even more homesick...but yah...{sigh}
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