this is logic

"i got this."

"i'm stronger than this emotion."

"he can't hurt me."

"i'm in control."

"i may not be special to anyone but i'm still Special."

"my pride has destroyed many things."

"responsibility is my only repentance now."

"don't mess with feelings, it's always better to be blunt and hurt than be hurt."

"he may not see you, but you can still be friends."

"she could be a supermodel and i still wouldn't give a darn what she thinks of me."

"homesickness is in the head."

"rice bags are good for your pain."

"other people have weed and drugs for escaping, i have seminary."

this is awkward...but right now, i just really want someone to hold me. a great big hug. i want it to be a guy too. something about boys' hugs says safety to me. preferably taller than me, maybe a strong build. definitely gentle and not obnoxiously loud. a tight hug like cynthia's and as meaningful as nick and esteban's goodbye hugs. as tender as madison's...

what can i say, even at 5 in the morning i'm homesick for these faces...and yet, i still know that i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be. i just really...really need a hug right now. i need someone to let down their Avoid-the-new-person guard and give me a flipping hug.

having a hard time feeling the love right now. this is no longer solitude, it's lonliness...yuck. that needs to change. big time.

kaylla