In Memory

today my family went to the cemeteries in provo and orem to go visit my grandma. my best friend and i had gone on saturday to pick out the flowers. the day before was rainy and cold. but today? it was perfect, a day like those that my grandma loved.

we cleared the overgrowing grass from around the gravestones and told brief memories that we shared and loved. we walked about and commented on the designs of other graves. one had both a husband and a wife...and they were both still alive! another had a tree on it, that was very beautiful.

it is so peaceful in the cemetery. last tuesday {the 22nd}, seth and i went to the salem cemetery. it was so quiet and dark and peaceful. i hope we didn't disturb anyone there with our talking and occasional laughter. we found a card that had lost its grave. it was simple, but so sweet.

something about graves, the people gone and the people here now and the people someday to come...it's an incredible all-encompassing circle.

one funny moment from today. we were talking about parking the car and that word was stuck in my head, so when i asked where my great-grandparents were i asked "where are they parked?" instead of "where are they burried?" everyone seemed to find it quite humorous.

it made me sad though...i believe i missed my friend's goodbye. he's left today you see. he will be working this summer to pay for his mission up and away north of here. really far north. i miss him already, knowing that he isn't as close as he usually is. but my thoughts are reaching out to him, and i know that sometimes...we'll be thinking about one another at the same time. he is doing the right thing, and that makes everything so much better.

and maybe, someday...

things will turn out the way we hope.

i stood beside my grandpa's memory cross in the orem cemetery as well. i am so grateful for those who have served our country, including him.

without them, i wouldn't have the freedoms that i do have today. and watching the flag go up on the day of my high school graduation...it's incredible. it's beautiful. and i am eternally grateful to those men and women who have sacrificed their lives for it. i hope that i can honor them by being worthy of keeping it.

so happy memorial day. and may God bless you.

waiting.

four years and five months. i can wait. i know i can. he's my best friend.

i can see it being really hard. and at those hard times looking at his picture...wherever i may have it with me {not sure how i'm going to do that one but i'll work it out}and thinking of all the love that we share. thinking of how he is truly the best friend i have ever had here on earth. the only person i trust more than him? is the Lord.

someday, i want to wear a white dress and come walking out of those doors. i want to have my bride's maids wearing whatever they can find that's blue and yellow. i want lots of white and peach colored roses and a simple and easy wedding reception.

i want to have small children, clean their sticky hands and teach them all that i know to be true. i want to teach them to discover and to create and to become. i want to be that mother who is kind and gentle and loving.

someday i want to grow old and die. i want to die not a moment before him and as soon as possible after him, so that we are never far apart.

maybe this is...difficult to imagine me saying this. i know i have been changing and fickle before. i know i have said i have fallen in love before. but never has anyone brought out the good in me more than him. never has anyone been worthy to make me feel so happy as i do.

and so? i'm waiting. although without a promise...i am waiting.

and while i am waiting, i'll be living and learning and growing. and loving. always loving him.

always.

daydream, just a regular day

it must be just...a human thing to do, to imagine how beautiful the future can be. and even in the most simplest experiences, someone like me could find the purest joy. i was sitting on my couch and a picture kind of just popped into my head...just one of those smiling ideas.

~*~

she stands in the kitchen, dinner just beginning on the stove. he comes in, and with coat and shoes still on he sits down and sighs, tired. leaning forward he places his head in his hands, and just focuses for a short while on breathing. it's been a long day at work. unable to resist and let him have his time to detox, she walks up to him quietly and kneels next to where he is sitting. taking one of his hands away from his face she presses it to hers and then gently kisses it. she closes her eyes, simply holding onto his hand, willing any strength that she had, that he could have it too. he stands up quickly pulling her with him into a gentle embrace and then he holds her. just holds her.

a tear falls down his cheek.

and in her heart she is just praying, begging God that she could even begin to help. she prays in her heart that her love could sustain him, that her love could make him smile, could bless him even in his darkest hours.

because she loves him. she always has. even before she met him, he was the man of her dreams. and love, that's forever. for always.

that's my day dream. or one of them, i suppose. that even when the shadow is darkest, love can shine that light, casting aside all despair and fatigue and in it's place there is always, love.

just a phone call away.

my mind has these little moments that it imagines up. i don't really know where they come from {actually not gonna lie...a lot of them come from the silly romantic movies i watch, but they're different...personalized to me, i guess}.

i figured i'd write one down tonight, and share it with you.

{don't read into the fact that i used my own name, it's a tedious business naming a character and when i don't have time, i just use my own name. so no worries...}

~*~

young girl in college, runs out of her apartment in tears. her boyfriend and she just had an argument. she remembers her best friend from high school. i have to talk to someone. someone out there has to understand...i need a hug...

so she calls him.

"hello?"

silence.

"hello...?"

"uh,...hi. this is kaylla."

"kaylla? wow, really? how are you?"

she nearly cries, it's so good to hear his voice again. instead she laughs and answers his question with one of those questions that can be taken either way

"eh...life's...just life, y'know."

"yah?"

"haha...yah. how about you? what's going on in your life?"

"just school...guess the same as you, just life."

silence.

"kaylla, you still there?"

she feels the tears falling down her face but she's trying to hold the sounds of her cries.

"kaylla?"

"yah." she breathes in deeply "yah, i'm still here."

"kaylla...are you okay?"

her mind is going a million miles an hour and all she can say is

"no...no, i'm not."

more silence. then she continued.

"i needed to call someone." she paused and realized that that wasn't quite true. "actually...i needed to call you. i miss you. i wish...i wish i could have a hug right now. i...i feel so...lost. i'm sorry, is this a bad time? it was stupid. i shouldn't have called. it was just...reflex. i needed a friend. i needed...i needed my best friend."

she listened, paused but didn't quite wait long enough for him to say anything and went on.

"remember that time when you gave me a ride to that one party and dropping me off back home, when i asked you...you told me we would always be friends? i guess, i guess i called you because i remembered that."

"kaylla...where are you? i'm gonna come see you. tell me where you are and i'll come and get you."

she broke down in tears again momentarily. she stopped the tears just long enough to tell him where she would be.

"thank you...i will see you soon..." and then hung up.

an hour later.

the beat up and worn down car drove by the cafe she had told him to meet her at. his heart beat a little faster at the anticipated reunion. parking his car he then walked toward the small cafe. looking in one of the front windows he saw her. she sat there with her head down and her face was mostly covered by a sheet of hair but he knew it was her. for a second he wondered at the timing of it all, he'd been thinking about her a lot recently...wondering what was going on with her and her life. he'd seen her at his homecoming talk but hadn't been able to talk to her very much and since then their lives hadn't collided yet. this would be the first time they had really talked in nearly two years...and oh had he missed her.

he opened the door and walked toward her. she didn't know he was there yet and for a moment he stood slightly behind her, but not for long.

"kaylla."

she turned around quickly. she knew it was him. it was his voice. seeing his face she couldn't help but smile, even on her tear-stained face. she'd never been able to hold back a smile from him. he smiled back. she jumped up and gave him one of the most heartfelt hugs she had ever given.

and the tears came.

and somehow in that moment they both knew again, that everything would be Okay.

~*~

yah, i know...a little cheezy. but it's mine. if it's not too much cheese for you, then i might share another one with you sometime.