growing up.

when i was little, i avoided all the cracks in the pavement. i didn't want to hurt my grandma. i would also avoid the rough stuff in between our kitchen tiles.

to this day i still do it. out of habit of course, but i do.

and sometimes i wonder, what will it feel like to be all grown up? to know so much, and to have experienced it all? true love. marriage. children. heartache. death of loved ones. and finally, my own death.

will it be full of events? or will it just...come.

yesterday i turned eighteen. some would say that that is an event. and then others say that when the same day happened to them, they didn't feel any different.

well. i don't feel much different. but i do. suddenly i have this large burden placed on my back. my mom and i have agreed that to be treated as an adult, i must act like one. i must be mature. i must take responsibility. and honestly? i'm excited.

and i'm scared.

for so long, i could say "hey mom! will you make me breakfast?" and i could expect her to say "of course" at her own expense even sometimes. i no longer need my parents permission for anything legally. i could do whatever my heart desired. {i should probably get a job...}

marriage and family is also much closer than it was last year. technically, i could be married and pregnant with my first child within the next two years {definitely not going to happen, but still}. i will be going to college the next semester that i can afford it {hopefully fall semester but if not definitely spring}. i will be moving out within the year as well. i will have to do my own laundry, dishes, bills, bathroom cleaning {no more bribing lilly into cleaning the tub...haha}, making sure my room is pristine.

so much responsibility.

the past made an unexpected reappearance in my life yesterday. i saw an old acquaintance, and it made me really think about how i would react to the people in my life now in two or three years time. will i scream their name and run and give them a hug? or will i awkwardly remain quiet, pretending that they are not there and only giving a brief wave as i part from their presence?

i hope to make better decisions than that.

yet i don't wish to go back into the past and correct anything. although i will live, learning from my own lessons and mistakes. i will love all those around me...but i will be more careful about those who i keep close in my life. i want to live my dream, my dream to help others understand who they are, what they can become, recognizing their potential.

i am eighteen. i'm an adult. i have blue eyes and curly brown hair. i know who i am. i make big mistakes sometimes, and i've had to fix them myself. i play the guitar and the piano. i often crave macaroni and cheese or raisin oatmeal cookies. i find myself in love often, with life and the people around me. i love sunny, hot summer days with slight breezes. i love the ocean and it's chilling needle cold waves which can toss you about.

i love my life. i love who i am.

here's to growing up.