i know, i know...david archuleta. i'm not really a big fan but i remembered hearing this song and felt like listening to it. and now it's beating out of my stereo over and over again...i'll use the lame excuse that i like the beat.
anyway...i'm finding i get kind of nervous...jumpy...when i'm either expecting to see a certain person or when i think about what might be happening inside me again. i'm not really ready to fall again. i don't think that's the right thing for me, and i promise - i'm really trying hard to only see the good in this person and not get...attached. but it's hard when you have so much in common and you can talk so easily with them, and you get the feeling that they like talking to you too {but then, you could also be a complete fool and they/he is just playing with you...messing with your feelings} {sidenote: especially given that everyone says that that specific person is a flirt....but not in a bad way...but aren't all flirts bad if they lead you on?}
anyway...i'm really trying hard. i'm trying to stick to what i've been telling the girls when they ask me if i like anyone which is "I don't like ANYone. in fact, i don't like people." which usually gets a laugh and moves the conversation in a different direction, and i really believed it for the first two weeks. and sometimes i think i still feel that way - i'm really just not into the guys like girls and vice versa thing anymore {no i am not making a lesby comment. get your mind out of the gutter. woops, mine's there too - sorry.} moving on again.
but it's hard.
it's hard when they give you that one hug, the first hug out of all your friends and just hold you there. it's hard when you can talk and not feel like an idiot and laugh and smile without really caring whether you have something in your teeth or if your laugh sounds funny. it's hard not to notice that even if it was just as a friend, he took notice of me.
yah. it's hard.
and i know as always that the hug? didn't mean a thing. the teasing? probably doesn't mean anything either, except that all my friends in the past are right when they told me i'm really easy to tease because i react. the feeling that they enjoy talking to me too? just fuzz in my head again. the smiles? they're just hiding the inner roll of them eye-balls.
i've been told ever since i was a little girl that i'm a princess. well in disney movies, the princess usually gets the prince right? well what if i find prince charming and he's not interested in cinderella? the girl who has been cleaning and scrubbing her whole life, and has had it rough...what prince really wants her? he's going to want the dainty and beautiful sleeping beauty or even really the cinderella...but she has to get all dressed up as almost a completely different person in order for him to even notice her.
it's all quite messed up. believe you me.
and still i find myself going to the same spot for lunch, even if all my friends are at All-Star choir practice...simply because i know he knows i go there for lunch too. maybe i keep mental track of which classes he's told me he has when, hoping maybe i can run into him again. maybe sometimes i wish i could actually swim so there would be another chance to talk...
maybe even, dare i say...i wish he'd ask me out so i could get my thoughts REALLY sorted out. just an opportunity to talk as long as we want? become friends, because honestly friendships are ultimately ten times better than anything else...because then i can still appreciate him even if he doesn't end up being "prince charming".
this post was supposed to be one of those love-happy posts but it failed (: i'm just thinking a lot recently. and honestly? i feel kind of guilty. a part of my heart will always belong to madison and sometimes i feel like if i find another guy slightly attractive {okay maybe not just slightly...} then i'm committing some form of adultery, even though i have hardly talked to madison over the past three months and we've been broken up and "just friends" and whatnot that whole time. i should be over him, over all of this. besides also - pretty sure i saw him holding another girls' hand at that dance ;P so it's not like he's not over me... ack. muddled head. my poor poor muddled head.
maybe if i knew how this other guy felt...what's going on in his head too...i'd be less confused. but then, how embarrassing would that be for me to actually ask him. and imagine all the girls who would stab mental daggers in my back if it turned out good for me. i'd be the next female julius caesar.
great mental image. been there before and it's not fun. do i really want to go through all of this again, just for another guy who is going to go and serve the Lord for two years {as he should....} and forget all about me again? why bother? i'm pretty sure i know where it will end. besides...if this guy is as good as the other girls make him sound....why would he ever be interested in me? i mean... why me when there's alicea and amaya, or aubree or nickell, or all the other girls that are around him?
and back to that song? it's funny because there really is something about the feelings of excitement that still...give me hope. just like i never thought i had a chance with madison, and he turned out to be one of my best choices ever to keep working at. i mean, without him...i'd...wow, i'd be in a completely different place now wouldn't i? (:
so hopefully...i have a chance with him. but i'm not trying {y'know...i don't like anyone like that...haha} but y'know...where's the harm in exploring as much as i possibly can? I mean...what's the worst that can happen?
don't answer that. :P
kaylla
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