Seconds ago I just experienced one of the strangest feelings of my entire life. I felt older. Between scripture time and watching some episodes of Royal Pains and reading and then talking to my oldest brother Cameron...I feel...older.
Mostly it was while talking to Cameron, especially after saying goodbye to him. I looked in a mirror we have by the door (random I know...mother...?) and saw myself looking back. My ripped and worn down "air force" t-shirt, makeup all wiped away, my hair messy and in a bun...and I felt
I was still me though. I am me. I am completely still myself, that's the crazy part. I feel more calm though inside. More sure of myself and a little more aware of people. My brother Cameron, maybe it's him. I love being around him. We were talking about memories and dogs and lightning storms and this house and that house and I had to bring up for him that the reason why I probably didn't remember something from his teenage years was because I was still a kid. It's weird to think that when he was 19, going on a mission and starting his real life, I was still in short shorts. I still didn't know anything about hygiene or how to do my hair or girly...in fact - until 7th grade I never even did my hair outside of a pony tail and the occasional twisty bun.
I think back on my past and I feel as if right now the world is my empty book and I could writ
e whatever I want. Those pages are all mine. I could scribble and waste them all away...or I could write the next Count of Monte Cristo or David Copperfield. The world is my oyster.
Like I said, I was looking in the mirror and seeing myself looking not my best - I felt beautiful. Not pretty per say. Beautiful. I felt...clean.
And maybe only a handful of people know what that word means but...have you ever been on a camping trip for like a week and when you get home you don't really feel dirty but then you take a shower and you realize that your skin is tingling from that sense of...cleanliness. I sorta feel like that.
It's just funny for me to think that withing two hours I gained a whole year on my head. Last night I couldn't sleep because of dreams of Nicole and Jayce, Madison and some random blond guy who kept trying to convince me that I was meant for him...and honestly I woke up feeling just really...well with a really dull feeling. The feeling where you've been there over and over again before and you're tired of going there. Twenty minutes ago - I was on new ground. I felt...happy. Clear and full and ready. I felt like a bird shaking its wings just before it jumps off of a very very large cliff.
I was talking to Nicole yesterday about children. I described to her my own dreams...and then after seeing her with her siblings I began to doubt whether honestly if I would ever be ready to have a family of my own. I'm not a very patient person, I hate it when kids cry and scream in
church, and I absolutely hate kid's books and kid's tv shows (mine will have the books...but NOT the stupid shows. no go.) and at this moment....for the first time since Madison broke up with me I feel turquoise again.
Haha - rewind!
Maybe it's the art and left sided brain in me - but when I feel extreme emotions, I color code them. Green is too...happy - giddy and yucky almost - not in control. Blue is very sad. Red...yah, take a gander. Yellow is happy-go-lucky, I really don't care but happy kind of feeling. And Turquoise has always been my favorite: the perfect smattering of happy and sad, making for a cool and warm color in one...
It's strange - with Madison I rarely felt just plain turquoise - not that that is bad, I like being green - it's not always a yucky feeling. But it was either green or blue. Never...just...content. I hope...and maybe - Maybe growing up really isn't so bad. Maybe growing up means coming to terms that I loved him, he didn't love me back but...life simply goes on. And being CLEAR with that. Knowing deep down inside that these moments don't determine the rest of my life, although they could significantly help either way...
I just feel like; I can love Madison, and I can love my family but nothing will ever stop me from simply moving on and being happy with my life. Content. I want to be content in life. I want to find someone out there who I can simply be myself - like I am with my brother Cameron, or like I am when I am with Mr. Haymond or Nicole, or Mr. Miller. (why do all the guys I like being around have to be at least 10 years my senior? I'm worrying myself that I'll be a Jane and Mr. Rochester story...*major shivers*...)
I want to be Turquoise, for all of my life. I want to marry my closest friend (besides Christ...uh...duh.)
Back to the growing up part. I feel like I really can do this. The struggles in my life (starting over at a new high school, breaking up with Madison, losing old friends like Brittani, siblings maturing and finding their lives elsewhere)...all of that...I can really handle it. And this is going to sound really kind of preachy and I'm sorry - but honestly, I think it's God. I think he's literally been right beside me this entire time and I just didn't know it. He held my hand during my parents re-marriage and...maybe He never even let go.
Mr. Carman gave me a picture for Christmas - the poem/picture of the walk along the beach story - and of how Christ never left us, he carries us...that's what I feel right now. I feel like I am going to really be ok. I will move on, and I will be turquoise. I will be...me.
If ever I feel lost, I just have to remember to just be myself. Just me. Because THAT'S who I saw in the mirror tonight. THAT'S the girl who grew up and is realizing that she is more beautiful withOUT the makeup and the fancy clothes. That's Kaylla. Kaylla is me. I am Kaylla....
Wow this sounds like rambling now...and I can just SEE certain people laughing at this post (yah I see you...and you KNOW who you are too....), but that's ok because I'm laughing too. :) well just smiling really - it's midnight and I don't want to wake anyone up with my random outbursts of laughter. Oh what a shame that would be.
Well goodnight. Kaylla now feels ...17? I don't really know how old I feel actually. We'll just have to see if it lasts till morning! Night! PS - HAPPY BIRTHDAY JORDON!!! I love you Brother so so much, I miss you and I am now...going to write you a Happy Birthday email...so that you can read it on your P day, tomorrow. k? so - Night!!
PS - I know I have shared this song before - but it's a very....Turquoise song for me. And so is THIS one....and this one actually...I really wanted to show Madison, cause it's one of my favorite songs ever by my favorite Pianist: David Tolk - but for some reason...I never got around to it. Hm. Oh well :P Maybe inside I never was sure he'd like it and I didn't want anyone to mock me.
k - Night!