Friday, June 24, 2011

Fast Forward

Imagine you are seven years old again. Didn't you think that people who were getting married at like 21, just returned from their mission were pretty dang old? I was looking up some people I used to know, one of them was my brother's best friend from high school...he's married. I never thought of this kid as much older than myself, and he's married?!

It got me to thinking...I'm seventeen. I'll be a senior this next school year. Sometimes I feel like life could never change, but then I life really has only just begun! That's almost a scary thought. Most of the people I know right now will be married if not already having kids within the next decade! That's....just crazy. Really crazy.

I was also thinking about another person, and she was totally like only...what, a year older than me? Now she's got a missionary she's waiting for who I'm pretty sure she will end up marrying. She was only just a senior in high school!

Kind of scaring me actually. I mean, first boyfriend my Junior year...I don't want to get married honestly - definitely not for a while. My ideal age for marriage would be either 23 or 25...I'm fine with going another decade alone. Unless I met the right guy before going on my mission at 21 - there's no way I wouldn't serve the Lord like that. I've just always known I probably would.

Maybe I'm scared of getting on with life after all. I mean high school? I feel like I just barely got out of middle school, and now I have to skip to Senior year.

I just realized my luck may not be so good.

How do you even make friends in high school? Especially if you're COMPLETELY new? I have one idea/clue from my brother but it's not really much to go off of. The brother tip is this: if you do what you like to do, you'll meet people you enjoy being around - because you will have similar interests.

So my interests are...being a weirdo dorky private schooler. I like soccer (I'm thinking I'll try out...but I suck so I doubt that's gonna all work out...honestly...). I like music, art, photography and writing. Maybe journalism? I like kayaking and hiking too. I want to learn how to friend never got around to taking me to Park City with him (lil stinker).

I guess first stop would be to just be friendly. I read somewhere randomly that if you want to come across as a nice person for first impressions, you compliment. Tell them they have nice hair, a pretty face, a good I guess I just gotta notice the good in people so I can do that, so that they think I'm a nice person (hope they aren't disappointed when they find out about the freak of nature I really am haha)

Wow - just looked at my title for this post and realized I got a little off topic. Sorry!

Looking forward though - every girl has a daydream about how her life is going to go, the best possible course (at least most girls that I've talked to). Maybe I really am weird but beyond the next two weeks I have no idea where I'm going and what I'm doing.

In my future this is what I see. Move. Get job. Register for school (hopefully they accept my credits - fingers crossed). Make friends at church and school.............and that's it. Oh and try to see my friends from up North as much as possible (which so far after the first two weeks has been a failure - stupid sunburn and distance).

But there's always going to be those toss-ups. Like...I could get hit by a car and become paralyzed from the waist down. Or I could get some virus and become deaf, or blind. Or both my parents could die and I'd have to move up to Bountiful to live with Aaron and Megan.

Honestly...what scares me the most about the future, is not really the unknown...but rather the unknown of whether I will see those people again who have affected my life so much this past year. I talk about hanging out with Kaytlyn and Nicole, I talk about taking Madison kayaking. I talk to Britt about chilling one of these days down at the Ridge...but sometimes things just don't work out. It hasn't with my friends from my old ward - Gabby and Alyssa. We've hardly talked since the last time we hung out last summer, and they live a spare 15 minutes away. What happens when everything I've ever known is suddenly an hour's drive away? Facebook friendships? I hate that - I like seeing people's faces.

It all really just makes me's like the last day of school all over again. I hate moving so far away. I'm sure I can make friends again...but am I seriously supposed to just move on from the good times I've already had?! I'll always remember all the best nights of my life! I can't just move on like that!

Fast forward again...after high school, after I will have tried so hard to make friends again, I'm going to have to move on...AGAIN! When does it stop? Is that why God made it a commandment to find one person in life that you can hold on to forever? Because goodbyes are so unbearable? I wish I could hold on to these people and just keep them with me, all of us exactly the way we are.

But then of course that wouldn't be fair - because then Madison wouldn't be able to go on a mission, I'd never go to college and Kaytlyn would never become an amazing pianist. Nicole would never become a nurse, Kelsey would never become a journalist...we'd all be stuck in the past, no one living the moments that they were supposed to.

Thinking forward again! How am I going to meet that special companion? My best friend...we're obviously going to have a story; where does that start? Or when?

I think if anything consoles me in this whole wreck of moving on with life is the fact that he will always be in my future, whoever he is, he will always be there. Guiding me onward and keeping me going; someday we'll have children together, and they will have lives and struggles. If the only way I get to that is by moving on...I can do it.

But I'm kind of a pessimist. What if I'm one of those ladies that will end up spending her whole life alone? I don't want to be fact I'd rather die than spend my life alone.

Just take it one day at a time. That's the only way I can do this. Keep breathing and keep the days coming.


PS - two sidenotes - 1) I really REALLY want a bullet bike...then I could have my own source of excitement whenever I needed it and 2) I hope I'm not the only one who daydreams about meeting people from her past and having them join her future...because that would be one amazing turn in my story if I met certain people again, when they have time and space in their life for me and me for them's all up to the Master storywriter though, right? ;)

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