click on this link to check out my new blog!

honesty is a virtue.

and in the spirit of honesty, i am quite tired of this blog. i do like to write blog posts though. so keep your eyes open for when i have my next one open.

*warning: this next blog will probably have a focus other than my oh-so-interesting life. i'm tired of not being able to post my thoughts because people are so critical of the way i live, or because no one gives a darn.

*highlight: this blog will be fun. no dramatic rants.

talk later! bye.

thoughts on children

so a while back i was made a primary worker. i work with these adorable 4-5 year olds and some {especially two certain boys} are absolutely crazy. they're basically bouncing off the walls and couldn't sit still even if they wanted to it feels like.


and today, i realized - they're like static energy! the energy just keeps building up and they have no opportunities to let it loose so they're forced to have little sparks all the time, and they can't focus. they can't just touch ground and have it all be gone though, especially in our society where the normal activities encouraged for children are sitting and coloring or sitting and playing with cars or sitting and watching the video games/movies. they're always told they have to sit and be still. no exploring allowed.

these children with their abundance of energy are stuck.

people, or rather "adults" today hit upon something that struck their fancy. they like to blame things on chemical imbalances. in other words, in our society today we like to say that these children aren't normal. in fact they have a problem. something is wrong with them. they have ADD, ADHD or are Bipolar. seriously? a child bipolar?

so they give these children medications, anesthetics and chemicals and stuff that their tiny little bodies don't naturally produce on their own. then those children have bad side-effects to those medications and get another medication to balance them out. it goes on and has been known to go on as far as some cases where a child will be on as many as eight medications for one "problem". this is horrible!

especially if you stop blindly trusting in these "doctors" and research what these pills are. many of them are anesthetics and just a clue - "anesthetics" comes from the greek and means basically "to deaden". these children are given chemicals to deaden them! not to help them live.

so what to do? instead of killing these beautiful spirits, shouldn't we be helping them to live and to be excited for life? {as they were originally i might add, just with more energy than usual} i want to bring it all back the idea that they are like static energy.

how do you get rid of static energy? you use it. it touches a surface and it's let loose! in my opinion if these children were allowed to be unique, to explore and examine every little detail, they may not have so much energy to spare. maybe if they were allowed to run and not stop at the right time and in the right ways, then when it's preferred to be reverent and still {like in church} they may not have as hard of a time with it.

those are my thoughts and my opinion. hopefully i stepped on some toes.

hard.

the hardest part about saying goodbye to your best friend for two years is that your best friend isn't there to comfort you through the heartache.

i miss him. and people keep asking if i want to talk about it {the normal girl cure.} but i don't. i tell myself in my mind that it's okay. i'm stronger than this. because i am.

i'm so proud of my friend for serving the Lord. and i am doing everything i can to do the same. and i'm thankful that i had a friend who encouraged me to do just that. quite simply, i am happier than i have ever been. after all, he is serving the Lord. that doesn't mean we love each other any less, or that i won't ever see him again - because i will. and i keep my promises.

{i've even joked with him that even if i wanted to, i don't have time to find someone and get married before he gets back. it's chronically impossible.}

i love him. {and even though i'm not "waiting" for him} i'll see him again.

two words.

my day summed up in two words? six months.

it could be more like four...but the report said six.

and my hopes and excitement for the past two months?

tossed out the window of the women's center at the hospital.

and to top it all off? i get to take pills.

the why? it's not life-threatening, not even life changing.

i'm just...not normal.


just another un-planned change in the plans.


but what if this one changes all of the plans?

...then i guess that's how things are.

and i need to trust in the Lord no matter what.


so "yay" for ultra-sounds, monthly blood tests, synthroid

and putting my mission on hold.


{ps. i really want to just cry right now. life isn't fair.}

It's Not Christmas Without You.

i love this artist's voice. i'll never forget the first time my friend kelsey showed her to me {kelsey showed me a lot of my favorite artists now that i think about it...} it was incredible. and i love this song. it's actually my favorite christmas love song. absolutely beautiful. and i see it being very applicable this year...and next year too. oh goodness.

but i am so happy. christmas is wonderful {thanksgiving is still my favorite but oh well}. they are both wonderful.

and i love this snow we're getting. i don't mind the driving part.

this snow reminds me of wonderful snowy walks, learning more about another person than i ever have and loving them all the more for it. i guess it's okay to tell you that i started to really notice that one guy during thanksgiving and fell in love with him by christmas.

i've still to kiss under a mistletoe though. {can you hear me smiling?}

anyway - so there's my winter schpeel. listen to the song, and i hope you enjoy it like i do.

decisions.

it usually comes down to this: a decision.
everything in life requires decisions.

so why am i so bad at them?

someday i will have to make a decision.
a very hard one.
we all have to eventually.
and we can't take turns with this one.
it's completely up to that one person.

and talking to my mom about some decisions last night
she was completely honest with me.
they are meant to be hard.

otherwise they would be easy.

and then where would the fun be in life?
{oh i dunno...}

but to tell myself the truth?
i don't want certain decisions to come.

i want to stay awake at night till the sun rises sometimes
i want money and jobs to be more easy to come by
i want to live in a nation that isn't so blind
i want the next two years to completely change me
and yet not change us at all.
oh, and i really want Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit to be PG.

i know. wishful thinking. it got no one anywhere.

only decisions get people moving.

i'm just scared that one day,
i will have to make a decision between my heart
and the world i have always lived in.
and no matter which one i choose, i lose something
a part of who i have become.

decisions.

spiders

last night i had a bad dream.

a spider was on the front side of the back of my chair.

its body was so small, but had legs that expanded at least four inches in each direction.

i woke up in a cold sweat and ran to my mom's room.

i barely remember going back to my room, her turning on the light and telling me that there was no spider there.

that it must have been a dream.

or rather, a nightmare.

i remember her asking me whether i squished it in my dream.

that's an odd question you might think.

but in my family, i guess it's not.

apparently there's this superstition that if you dream about spiders, it's telling of something bad that is about to happen.

if you kill the spider, then it won't happen.


purely nonsense.


but then why am i not afraid of spiders in reality...and i'm terrified of them in my sleep?

¿Como?

sometimes he and i will start randomly talking to each other in spanish, him better than me of course because i haven't practiced in three years and because he works with spanish men every day of the week. some epic moments include the part where i have no idea how to say what i want to say so i try to use the closest synonyms i do know and it ends up being something like "very happy two days" when i was trying to tell him that i was really excited to see him in two days. yah...something like that.

and someday, {no matter what happens in the future}, i really want my children to be multilingual. portuguese, french, spanish and whatever language i end up serving in. my husband and i would start with english but slowly once they get ahold of that language, we would start speaking a foreign language at home. during the years when it's just my husband and i, he could teach me his mission language and him, mine. i know we could do it.

and y'know what? life has so many adventures ahead of me, and y'know what else? i am so, so excited!

life is sneaky.

yes. i know it is passed midnight.

but after talking on the phone with a friend tonight it kind of hit me. i'm living the life i never thought i'd see. all my guys basically have their mission calls. my best friend who's a girl is now officially married. i'm an aunt. i'm less than a year away from my own mission {hopefully, fingers crossed}.

it's all just kind of...crazy.

i mean, i could be married in two and a half years. seriously. and a kid in at least four.

what?

that was not in the plan so soon. i wasn't going to get married for another four years. my whole life snuck up on me and i didn't even realize it.

and right now...i'm almost not sure what to do with myself. where did the time go? i have to get my wisdom teeth out soon? no!