Big Pictures

If someone said just those two words to me, honestly the first thing th

at would come to m

y mind is a big-screen movie. Ha, no jok

e. But the moment they tell me "Look at the big picture"

I get this bi

g image of the world. It's a cartoon

too. Funny...

Anyway -

I was sitting at my desk just...thinking about life really and the funniest self-made quote came to my head. It went like this (keep in mind that this is self-copyrighted and if I hear you use it without giving me credit I will hunt you down and egg you and your house): "If I were to look at the big picture, I wouldn't see you."

Kind of sad, but honestly very true. For some people it wouldn't be true but for the most part in our lives, like our families and friends that we stay close to for ages (however unlikely that is for some people...). Whereas in high school - that life was m

ade to end. I've decided that if I can, I'm going to go back to high school - if they accept my transcript that is. I kind of hope they do. I'm not done being sick of the drama. Ha. Masochist. Me. right here. yes.

But so many of the people that I know right now, some I'm happy that I will never see again and some I'm scared to leave behind. For the most part (other than a handful of people) I am glad to leave American Heritage. For so long that place has held me; captive or captivated I am not sure...but now I am going to be in a totally different situation.

We drove around my new school today, literally around haha, I tried to look in windows but it was kind of hard and my dad and Lo wanted me to focus on the road (psh, poor sports), but they have a decent soccer field and the school looks...pretty ok. I've never been to a real school - well one month at Timberline Middle School doesn't really count does it? - so this will be a first and honestly? I'm scared. So many people, so many different kinds of people. For the majority of my life I've been surrounded by nerds and kids that kind of are in need of fixing their life, or foreign students. That's been my exposure to the outside world (well Madison and Cameron weren't really any of those categories but I'm stereotyping).

So back to the big picture ;)

All these heartaches that I've dragged on about for the past...year...really? How well will I remember them, or even care about in even another year's time? Sure it makes me sad that a year from now someone may say "Do you remember so-one-so?" and I'll say "Who?" (honestly I doubt that will happen in a year...maybe ten years...but yah - you get my point) But no matter what, I think that's sad. I wish I could remember them all. I wish we could all changed only for the better. I wish I could remain an innocent child forever, running around in the dirt with my brother and sister without a care in the world.

The big picture though? I see it as me, a stay-at-home mother, with dusty dreams of being an author or concert pianist. I see her waking early in the morning to make breakfast for the gentlest and kindest man on earth who would save her from anything and everything if he could. He would be her knight in shining armor - who washes dishes occasional

ly. :) She would get her little three-year-old daughter named Inez Joelle (after her grandma and great grandma) dressed, the little tomboy probably already set in her character would only wear pants, whereas her older sister Amber Jayne (after her other great grandma) probably is a total girly-girl. Their older brother William or Martin (not sure about his name) is probably under and around his mom's feet with that soccer ball that I swear I locked in the closet...the silly boy. I'll get them

off to school and pre-school, my knight will leave for work and after I clean the house I will play on the beautiful baby-grand that we saved up for before even getting a house. While I'm playing and improvising, I'll feel a kick in my stomach where the next member of our family is trying to tell me that they want to play on the piano too. I smile and keep playing. Maybe later that week I'll visit my friend Kaytlyn (who I'm sure I'll still know) ;) or Nicole or one of the other amazing people I know I'll meet between now and then. I'll force my kids to play with theirs and both families will complain (just as I did when my mom

took me to play with her friends' kids) and they'll have a blast anyway.

Did I mention any of the high school drama in that there big paragraph? I didn't think so. But honestly, in 10-20 years from now, that really will be t

he big picture. That will be my life. (Ha, unless the world ends - then nothing of course will be the same ever again...*cough) anyway. But there you have it. I won't remember how much this person or that one hurt me. Time will have healed those wounds, and if not heal them - I'll at least have forgotten them until some unfortunate event digs them up again.

I can see it now...I'm driving along and I see a red subaru, and I'll think of him. I'll hear that song on the radio and this person will come jolting into my mind. Maybe one day I'll ask my children for a foot rub and they'll inquisitively ask where the round scar came from; and I'll have to tell them that that's where I got cleated by my friend, while I was barefoot...as always. Maybe I'll go through my closet and find the girls camp t-shirt that I wrote in permanent marker on saying M1DV8L3, and I'll laugh and fold it again thinking to keep it for just another year and then maybe by then I'll want to throw it away, but I never will.

So many things to remember, so many things to forget. Which ones will be which. I've reached a bridge in my road so to speak and I can't see wh

ere this path leads. I can't see where any of them lead really. I have no direction in my life except the Lord and my parents and occasionally some friends. My life is all mine right now. I can do and go wherever I please.

It's odd to think about all of this, to think about forgetting during a time when I can't stop thinking about it all. could I really ever forget this time of my life? Seriously? I guess with the big picture we never know. We just never know. And there is no way to know in advance; we have to just live life and get there. Just keep living and sailing across this big big ocean.

So here's to another year, and trying to see the big picture of things. Good luck. because you will need it.

Kaylla

PS - the last picture...is of San Hose Beach. Just a side-note to self.