living nightmare.

march 31, 2012

seeing him on the trax, at first it was like a nightmare just barely realized. only it was completely in my reality. and there was no waking up.

maybe the worst part was that it was following the exact same session, the same time (leaving conference), and the same dreaded silence and awkwardness of "what do i do?" as last time. it was crazy, seeing him here was ultimately against the odds. it was impossible, and so my brain dared not even believe it.

and all i could do was quietly glance back at him. although i will admit, i initially glared at him. after all, how dare he show up at that time? and how? what were the chances, meeting him. there. at that time. with my present company.

you're telling me. and you're right, next to impossible.

he had to have followed us, stalked us, something. yet that was just as impossible. there was simply no way that this was chance or predetermined. so what?

as we left the trax for our stop, the older ladies in front of us were taking so much time that it was near impossible for my friend and i to get off at our right stop. i was terrified that we would be stuck on that car with him a moment longer. what would we do? what would we say? i knew that the friend i had with me knew who the man was who i kept glancing back at...and i knew that that man...did not know that my friend knew about him. i know they made eye contact, and my mind is dizzy trying to think about what both of their minds were saying to themselves.

i was scared. i was angry. i was a strange sort of giddy. i didn't know how to feel yet i knew i could feel something big inside of me, something strong like a large gust of wind...but as if it were being held back by a wall.

and then it was over. i looked up just as we were about to exit, caught eye contact, just as we had when we had first entered, without a smile and without emotion. i waved goodbye.

and it was over. i passed through my own nightmare and lived.

...so i guess happy birthday to me right?