christmas eve.

every year it comes around...it's a day for best friends.

can i tell you about this christmas eve?

would that be strange, seeing as it's already the 26th? i hope it's not strange for you because i'm still so happy. and although old memories assaulted me occasionally, some tender and some...painful; i have made new ones. and they are lovely.

the day began with aaron and megan opening our gifts to them and their gifts to us. because my family is strange and we celebrate everything early this year; thanksgiving and now christmas. it's all good. we're whites. {refrain from racist comments please.} haha

i was...stressed and uneasy to say the least. seth's christmas present was a unique one and i was worried that i would mess it all up.

because i wrote him a song.

maybe someday you will hear it but i find that unlikely. it's his and his alone and even though i will be recording it for him to keep...that's just it. it'll be for him to keep.

so i drove illegally to pick him up and played it for him at the stake center, on their beautiful grand with the yellowed keys. he didn't seem to mind the illegal part. if anything i truly think he was relieved at my driving. if my memory serves correctly, he had just been out driving with his younger brother. despite what you all may recall, i am actually a pretty decent driver.

i messed up. but i played it for him twice through, and...it was the right christmas present. fitting.

later that day he gave his present{s} to me. if it weren't a public blog i might say i'm in love. oopsy! haha. I now have my very own treasure box, pre-filled with treasures and hopefully...soon...one of them will permanently hang on my wall. a picture of Our North Star.

the rest of the day was beautiful. imagine having a baby in the home, to hold and comfort whenever you please. it made me want to be a mother...so badly.

but those years are a ways away. and i can contain my baby hunger. even if it must be five years away {which to me...seems...very far away right now. but maybe that's just it. the Lord is always thinking up new ways to help me be more patient.} i can make it.

and then a very timely phone call. and soon thereafter we had some delightful plans to go caroling with the mason family! oh i was so excited.

and for good reason.

it was a beautiful. singing, the harmonies, the christmas lights. being with seth, laughter. my attempts to escape being whitewashed {which i fear once the next snow falls may be inevitable...eeps!}, watching the small children run around excitedly to every door that they saw, the awkwardness of choosing the next song, difficult and accidental key changes, exciting icy driveways, seeing floating lanterns. seeing how the singing seemed to brighten the smiles of others. oh and i got to meet seth's older brother at last.

it's strange, i don't think i could ever explain the happiness i felt that night. it was one of the closest times i have felt to celestial happiness in my entire lifetime. something about even just being near seth...his family, singing, snow and loveliness...

how could life have ever been any better?

a goodnight hug and the night was concluded, sweetly.

i never forgot though, whose birthday it was. i hope that wherever he is, he finds happiness. but yes, i wish never to see him again. and although some would say that is...a betrayal. but it was different. one person can help a friend while only harming another. although i won't say which was done to me...maybe both, i feel that it would be best...if no contact were ever to be made.

i'm sorry if that hurts him. or her. but i refuse to be manipulated. i refuse to change for another.

and instead of playing his song that day, the one he taught her, but only i remembered...

i played a new one. one of hope. one of peace. one of purity and love.

a song of happiness.